Mental Health I think its time for me to go.

thizzin' since 98

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 22, 2011
Messages
118
I can't stand the mental pain anymore. It's been a 4 year battle and absolutely nothing has gotten better.

I suffer from diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder and clinical depression with occassional depersonalization/derealization. All sparked from "MDMA" or whatever the fuck was in those shitty ass, dirty pressed pills I was taking with my ex girlfriend of 4 years, my first and only girlfriend that I lost due to my lack of motivation and giving her the attention she needed because of the fact that I
I couldn't even take care of myself, let alone give her the attention and love she craved, which made her leave me for some dude at her new job.

I only took 'mdma' and occassionally smoked weed, starting on my 18th birthday, back in 2011, when I was kicked out of my house. I went on a binge, with my friend buying hundreds of dollars worth of 'pokeballs' for about 3 months. We would roll Friday, Saturday, Sunday, then sleep and recover for the next few days, then wash, rinse, repeat. Every roll was incredible, I've never felt so incredible in my life, the roll would be so intense, semi tweaky rolls, I would grind my teeth bad, my eyes would shake, I was filled with so much love, I had such a strong connection with my girlfriend, everything was great, until one night, coming home from a rave with some friends, we all still wanted to keep the party going, mind you I didn't have a test kit and was young a naive, and took whatever pills I was sold without question.

This night, the supplier had a different batch that I had never taken before, she had 3 different kinds at the time, 3 red supermans, which my girlfriend and her friend split up and took and one lone blue rolex that I took. I had never taken anything besides 'pokeballs' before the blue rolex which was not a 'pokeball'. It was dark blue, and speckled with green, very chalky, the dye was rubbing off on my fingers almost immediatly, I had a weird vibe about it, but was desperate to keep my high going, so I ate it.

About 40 minutes later, I felt like a train had hit my brain, I left my body, felt like I was stuck in a 3rd person, looking down at myself in her bedroom, sitting against the wall in the corner of her bed. I began shaking, crying, and went into my first extreme panic attack, I was stuck in the bathroom, filling up the sink repeatedly with vomit, throwing up pure blue liquid with chunks of green scattered about. I probably vomited 7-8 times within a 2 hour period. I ran outside into her front yard, sobbing, felt like my mind was melting, I kept begging my friends to take me to the hospital, but no one wanted to, in fear of our parents finding out what we've been doing and potentially getting in trouble with the law. I really thought I was going to pass away that night. The high lasted approximately 18-22 hours, off just one blue rolex and a red dragon fly I had taken hours ealier in the night. I kept praying for it to go away, begging god for forgiveness for being such an idiot and taking drugs and to save me before I died. That was the last time I touched street drugs. I was so traumatized, for weeks after that night, I felt incredible depersonalization, and felt like I was on a permanent comedown, I would break down and cry for hours and hours, for weeks, for no apparent reason. I just wanted my old self back. Shortly after that whole experience my family broke apart, my parents, married for 32 years, divorced, my brother also pretty much left the family and did his own thing, I now lived on my own with a friend and my girlfriend, for the next 4 years. And my mental health never came back to me. I tried excersising, a change in diet, I went to the doctor, let him know what happened and was prescribed xanax as well as wellbutrin, prozac, celexa anti psychotics, because they suspected me of being schizophrenic, and other drugs over the course of a few months, with no relief besides the xanax which did take the edge off a bit.

I'm 22 years old and my quality of life is currently 1/10. Before the drugs, I was 'straight edge' throughout highschool. Life was great, I graduated with a 3.9, at 17 years old. I had a supporting family and lived fairly comfortable. I used to skateboard everyday as well as play music, guitar, piano, as well as playing competitive video games, making around $800 including tons of free gear and electonics. I would take trips out to chino hills, venice beach, all over Californa, and skate all afternoon throughout the night, having a blast, never getting tired, feeling great. I had no idea what anxiety or depression felt like.

These should be the best years of my life. I should be living life to the fullest, making memories, improving myself, traveling, making a name for myself.

I work a shit job, minimum wage, fluctuating hours, even if its a 4 hour shift, I cannot wait to get the fuck home, it feels like an 10 hour shift in my head.

I can sleep 8 hours, 12 hours, 14 hours and wake up feeling a deep sickness in my gut, absolutely no appetite, no passion to do anything that I used to love and exhausted like I haven't even got an hour of sleep.

I'm constantly contemplating ending my life, I have no support, I feel like a complete waste of time and space.

Over the past few months I've been spending half of my paychecks every two weeks, on clonopin and norcos and percocets.

The percocets give me energy, motivation, improve my mood 10 fold, I crave them, because thats the only time I feel talkative, up, I can get out of the house and accomplish some things, I feel like I'm very close to creating a new monster and becoming addicted to opiates because they make me feel some what normal again. Other than that I haven't taken any SSRI's or anything for at least 2 years.

But after those few short hours of relief, I become a recluse again, constanty feel nauseous, feel like I want to cry, extremely anxious, feel angry and irritated as fuck, I want to fight, I have dark and strange thoughts. I'm scared and can't take the pain anymore.

I'm currently high on norcos, which is the only reason I'm on here making this thread, if it even makes sense. Otherwise I feel to crippled to even reach out for help. I apologize if I'm jumping around with my back story or if I am leaving out anything, I'm trying to fight the nods.

I don't know what to do, I want my old self back, and I know I'll never be that soft spoken, go with the flow, cool kid I used to be. I've never been in a fight, I've never been in trouble with the law, even now, in this terrible state, I can still fake it, and most people have no clue anything is wrong with me, I have females hitting me up frequently, wanting to hang out, telling me how attractive I am, etc etc, but I have no interesting in even simply texting back, same goes with old friends, I'll always flake on them, even though I fucking pray I could be a normal 22 year old man again and go out and adventure and rebuild relationships again.

I think its time for me to go, I fucked up, I made foolish decisions. I have nothing to look forward to. I'm ready to go. I'm just another statistic, I might be missed for a few months, then I'll fade away, a distant memory like everyone else who passes away. I'm not contributing to the world, to the people around me.

I'm already exhausted from typing and my mind is blank again. Sorry for the novel, I'm too high to proof read it. I might be missing some things.

If you have any questions to help complete my story/situation, feel free to ask.

Farewell my fellow bluelighters, hopefully people new to the drug culture can take something away from this and steer away from drugs or be responsible unlike my stupid ass, and not end up another statistic like myself.
 
The really hellish thing about depression is that you have to fight so hard and try so many different things when the last thing you want to do is try and fight and "fail" at finding the answer. But I can tell you, as someone who's suffered similarly for the last twenty years, that there are things to live for. There are beautiful things in the world, there are possibilities, and it can get better. I am 27 and just this past year have found a combination of medication that actually helps my depression, after years and years of trial and error.
You are your own worst enemy or your own best support. And while MDD makes it difficult or impossible to choose health, to choose vitality and hope, I have no doubt that you are strong enough to hang in there until you find something that makes the world a little brighter.

Stick around for a bit longer. You're so young. It would be nice to get to know you better.
 
The really hellish thing about depression is that you have to fight so hard and try so many different things when the last thing you want to do is try and fight and "fail" at finding the answer. But I can tell you, as someone who's suffered similarly for the last twenty years, that there are things to live for. There are beautiful things in the world, there are possibilities, and it can get better. I am 27 and just this past year have found a combination of medication that actually helps my depression, after years and years of trial and error.
You are your own worst enemy or your own best support. And while MDD makes it difficult or impossible to choose health, to choose vitality and hope, I have no doubt that you are strong enough to hang in there until you find something that makes the world a little brighter.

Stick around for a bit longer. You're so young. It would be nice to get to know you better.



I know exactly what you mean when you say this: "The really hellish thing about depression is that you have to fight so hard and try so many different things when the last thing you want to do is try and fight and "fail" at finding the answer."


To the OP...hang in there man.
 
I have anxiety and had depression when I was on effexor, now im on zoloft and stopped smoking weed and things are a whole lot better.Dwelling on the past, the time you've lost, and opportunities does nothing but make you more depressed, I know all about it.But on the other hand I can't just tell you to think positive thoughts and you'll be ok because thats total ignorant bullshit.

The best thing to do is to get on medication, and dont give up if the first med doesnt work.You have to keep trying until you find what right for you and its not something that will happen fast it takes time.Also something I should have done was jot down atleast how I was feeling and I would have noticed the pattern of depression emerging instead of toughing it out on effexor when it wasn't helping at all.That being sad I dont want to scare you away from meds, its really a trial and error process.
 
OP, your life went through a lot of significant change even without your horrible experience with the unknown substance. It may be that you are ascribing everything to that experience and writing a story in your head that is unnecessarily fatalistic. It is a huge trauma to have your family fall apart and end up on your own at your age. Couple that with the extremely upsetting experience you had, a break-up and you have a pretty good recipe for severe depression. It is understandable that you feel this way now but life will change and you need to get yourself away from the story in your head that you cannot change with it.

One of the most helpful things in my life has been learning to be compassionate with myself. This does not mean self-justification or rationalizing my own bad behavior but it does mean having patience and empathy for myself. If you had a good friend that had been through some really tough times and he felt apathetic and even suicidal, would you say, "You are a waste of space"? Of course you would not. The way we talk to ourselves in our own heads can be harsh and brutal and while we know that would never help anyone else we continue to do this to ourselves. Try pretending that you are an outside observer of yourself. What advice would you give?

Save yourself a lot of pain and suffering and get rd of the opiates right now. You need to get back to a clear brain that can learn ways to cope with the hard times. As long as you mask and numb your feelings, you are denying yourself that opportunity.
 
You should really try to work on your emotions what you were experiencing related to the rough events there. To me it sounds like emotional trauma you have hidden. Depression is the result when there are very difficult emotions that could not be dealt with at the time, but remain under the surface. Drugs are not going to solve this though they may help if youre willing to take the route to explore yourself. If you have any chance getting psychotherapy I would highly suggest it. Do not give up, you have very good chance of overcoming this if you just figure out the route.
 
hey man , i feel your pain... I overdosed on molly when I was 19 , I always thought I had PTSD after that.... in fact I think I have PTSD now from all the crazy experiences I've had which stressed me out to an unlivable level . .. For me , percs and opiates affect me the exact way... I feel energetic and just sort of "cured" and normal and pain free when I am on opiates. If I were you I wouldn't kill myself just yet.... You will probably get your mojo back... I don't know how , couldn't say when... but i'm 28 ... My girlfriend who I was in love with overdosed and died when I was 20 ... I tried to basically destroy myself with hard drugs, because I felt guity. But I guess i'm just a tough bastard... I'm not saying my life is peachy , just saying that it will get better if you keep plucking away .. stay active , try to hold down a job. put in the work... if you have to do drugs to keep from killing yourself , then develop a strategy and use your drugs... I did that for a long time and its not a real solution, but it does work for long time if you are smart and honest with yourself. Try to project an attitude of gratitude ... Its incredible how many people are miserable because they choose to remain a victim , "oh my life is over!" "poor me , i wanna die!" ... I used to be and do all of those things, and one day I had an epiphany about how I was deluding myself and basically choosing a victim mentality because in my case "My parents and the school forced me to take amphetamine when I was a little kid, and i had no choice and its fucked me up" which is all kind of true, but I was skating on it, saying i was permanently fried because of it... which was just NOT true... No matter how bad things are they can ALWAYS get worse! Sometimes we have to just decide we are going to be happy, and at first feels funky and untrue, but soon becomes true.. If we serve other people , give of our times, money, energies to someone less fortunate - often times (and this is sooo true!) we find it to be extremely gratifying .... thats why were here basically. When we are grateful for the things we still have , and go through that list every day, every moment; suddenly life is so great! Its all about attitude! your brain is probably fine, just like mine was; your perspective of what "normal happiness is" is probably skewed because of all the time you spent on MDMA ... in contrast sobreity is dull as hell
 
I just want to say thank you to all for reaching out and taking time out of your day to read my story and write back with words of advice. I cried reading all of your responses, and I took every word to heart. You guys are so right. I'm choosing to keep myself the 'victim' and it's prolonging the pain. From here on out I will strive to not remain a victim and to fortify my brain with positive vibes, and hopefully I can change myself into a new man, and close this dark chapter in my life.

much much love, Thizzin'.
 
I just want to say thank you to all for reaching out and taking time out of your day to read my story and write back with words of advice. I cried reading all of your responses, and I took every word to heart. You guys are so right. I'm choosing to keep myself the 'victim' and it's prolonging the pain. From here on out I will strive to not remain a victim and to fortify my brain with positive vibes, and hopefully I can change myself into a new man, and close this dark chapter in my life.

much much love, Thizzin'.

It's nice to hear back from you, I was worried you may have harmed yourself.Good luck with your recovery and just remember every day wont be awesome but every day wont be terrible either,and take it one day at a time.
 
It's nice to hear back from you, I was worried you may have harmed yourself.Good luck with your recovery and just remember every day wont be awesome but every day wont be terrible either,and take it one day at a time.

I should rephrase that, every single day wont be awesome but every single day wont be terrible either.
 
Don't kill yourself without talking to me first guy. I got a plan. You are not still on APs are you? Antipsychotics block dopamine from binding. Please tell me you are not on an AP. This will take a lot longer if you are, but you will feel good again. If you stay on it, you will never feel good again. Stay away from doctors. The only thing they can give you that would help you is adderall. You would be surprised how many suicidal people would have been saved by some freaking adderall. But nope - "abuse potential." They would rather you kill yourself than give you a drug with abuse potential. Literally go tell a doctor you will kill yourself if you don't get a dopaminergic drug. See what he says. NO DON'T they will put you in a psych ward and give you APs (LMAO STAY AWAY FROM DOCTORS IT WAS JUST A JOKE). You will end up court-ordered to never feel good.

Let me help you. PM me. If you are not on an AP, I can get you feeling alive again in no time. I don't want to post everything in the open because they tend to outlaw chemicals that are truly good for people in this situation. And the more we talk about them online, the more likely they are to get on the radar of legislators.

btw, the drugs might not be what did it. That said, you took something and you have no idea what it was. That is bad. It could have been something harmful. Never take a drug that hasn't been tested. You gotta know what you are taking man.

There are drugs that will stimulate your dopaminergic system without doing harm to it, you just have to stay away from abusing them. Some of these drugs are still legal, and I don't want to name them online. One of them saved me when I was unable to function. DEEP depression. Almost as bad as this one, but nope, I'm on an AP (and never felt worse).
 
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btw you need to avoid drugs you have to take every day. What you have to do is get through the depression in the short term long enough to change your environment and situation.

And opiates won't do it. You will spend all your time on them JUST BEING HIGH. That is not your goal. And you will be left with an addiction. If you are already addicted, you need to switch to kratom (it will be extremely easy getting off of kratom when the time comes if you use the right things, and those things will leave you with no addiction). Kratom has stimulant properties which will help you. That's the only one I will name in the open.

I really hope you are not on an AP with a long half-life. I have worked out some solutions for that to at least get through until it gets out, but it will be difficult I'm not gonna lie.

Don't kill yourself. PM me. And remember - not every dopaminergic drug is going to help in the long run. You need the right ones if you are going to avoid addiction and harm.

Stay away from street drugs. And stay far away from marijuanna. If you start taking opiates and smoking weed every day, you are going to have more problems in the long run.

Remember - what you are looking to do is change your environment and your situation. Once you get far enough in that, you will be good to go. It's just getting there that's the problem. And that is what I can help you with.

STOP getting high just to get high. You should never be wasting time when you are able to function.
 
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Hey motiv,

Well, I'm still here. I have absolutely no drugs at the moment, so this anxiety is crippling. I've had the past 3 days off of work, and I've done absoultely nothing but sleep all 3 days away, instead of getting up and working on my car, or paying bills.

I'm just a 22 year old kid, working paycheck to paycheck, in a very bad enviroment. I recently took my dad in with me so he wouldn't be a 68 year old homeless man, and it's just adding to all the stress I have around me.

I feel like I have so much potential, being squashed by all these stupid fucking feelings in my head.

I should be grinding, working to be able to support not only myself on more than just paycheck to paycheck, but to help out my dad too, and I can't.

My dad is also very mentally sick, and sleeps just about everyday away, or just watches tv if he isn't sleeping.

I'm just so lost. I cry every day. I crave opiates. I've even steeped as low as to ask a neighbor if she had any extra vicodins laying around, just so I could stop crying and maybe accomplish something for the day. Vicodins? Really, lol. I'm used to 30-40mg oxy.
 
@NOtoInvega
Hey, I'm not on any AP's. I'm currently only taking a few benzo's here and there to ward of the constant state of panic I am in, from the moment I wake, to the moment I close my eyes and desperately try to fall asleep. And I tried to shoot you a DM but it says you have exceeded your limit of storage and you need to make room.
 
Hey thizzin, I'm really glad that you're back and posting--good to hear from you. Once again, I want to tell you how much credit I give you and I hope you give yourself for what you are doing. It can't be easy to be having to be the responsible adult for your parent at this point in your life. One thing you could look into is getting your Dad some social services that might allow you to get paid (not much but something) for being his caregiver. Family members ca be compensated for that. Is he on disability? If not, try to get him on it to at least have something extra coming in for your bills. I'm really sorry that you are having to live like this right now but if you could try to see how strong you really are and how generous and kind maybe you could stop some of the judgments against yourself. You are only 22, in a very tough and demanding situation and you are keeping it all going. Don't focus on how well or how easy it is going, just the fact that you are doing it is cause for admiration.

Where are you in California?
 
Hey herbavore,

It's a beautiful Saturday in California. I'm from Southern California. About 40 minutes from Palm Springs, and a little over an hour from Los Angeles, and a little over an hour from San Diego, I'm right in between everything.

Thank you so so much, for coming back to check on my status, and for writing such words. You made me tear up reading your latest reply, it means a lot to have complete strangers actually care and offer such kind words, more than some actuall friends I have here in California. It's really crazy if you think about it.

He is on Disablity, and was on also recieving money from the Veterans Association, but then canceled his veteran check a few years back, due to a mistake on their part.

So as of now he recieves a check every month for $849. After paying his storage fees, insurance, phone, and other debts, he is left with roughly around $300 for the entire month, not including food expenses, etc etc.

So that leaves me paying rent for the both of us, paying for food for the both of us, etc etc.

Mind you I get paid a measily $9.50 an hour.

I'm worth so much more than a minimum wage job, I have so many talents, that could lead me down multiple career paths, that I KNOW I could be successful at and live a far better life, but I feel so crippled.

It's a beautiful, warm Saturday in California, and once again, I've slept most of it away, my palms are sweaty, my heart beat is going like I just finished running a mile, my mind is a jumbled mess. It makes me cry.

I log on to facebook and see my friends out hiking, exploring, at the beach, eating dinner with their families, getting ready to go rave tonight, and I'm sitting in my little two bedroom apartment, stuck. This are the moments I should be living for. So many potential memories, possible connections, gone.

Fuck.
 
Dear friends,
Living with debilitating depression is possible. Do whatever it takes to get thru today.
Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Tomorrow it will be different.

When i was 8 or 9 i was molested by a teenage boy who tried to shove my head down on his penis. I wept as he sucked on mine and my life has never been the same. I've always felt like I was a piece of shit. It's hard for me to think otherwise. PTSD. Bed wetting. Erectile dysfunction. Drug and alcohol abuse. The whole nine yards. Compound this with my uncle sodomizing me for a couple of years in my pre-teens and BAM...suicidal tendincies to the max.

Today I'm fifty six years old. I'm living with and seriously in love with the most amazing woman I've ever known. I love life like never before. I promise you that your circumstances WILL change! What ive done in the past was to always remind myself that if it got so awful that I could not go on then i would off myself. But, it never got to the point where there was just no hope. Look for hope! Even if it is simply the next time you can get high. Keep going! Eventually you will get to the place where you don't have to look any more. Hope will be yours!
I found my hope in Jesus Christ. I know that at the outset that sounds very simplistic. But as i learned to process all my circumstances through the grid of knowing i was loved and accepted by the sovereign God of the universe my troubles became simple.
Obviously i don't expect anyone to believe that I just 'got religion ' and everything was resolved.
But the truth is that becoming a Christian put me into a community of people who helped me grow and begin to see myself as something other than a piece of shit. Oh yea, i still have shitty thinking. I don't always want to get out of bed.
But i will not give up!
Dont you quit. Don't ever quit. Contact me if you want a friend.
 
hey, thizzin. I sometimes think that people on Bluelight know more about me than some of my best friends of 30 years. It's the beauty of an online community--a different kind of honesty and vulnerability is available.

Here is a suggestion I have for you that concerns your Dad. Go to the county office responsible for Section 8 housing. If your Dad is a senior citizen he will be on one list, if he is not a senior but is on disability he will be on another. Either way he should be able to get housing through the state at a very reduced rate (or free, depending on his check). There are usually long waiting lists for this but don't let it discourage you because sometimes things open up much sooner. If you did not have to pay for his housing life could be much different for you. Another option is to contact the VA. Tell them your Dad's situation and ask if they have any social workers that could come and help him get the services he needs. My husband is a Viet Nam vet and he used to hate the VA. These days he is pretty appreciative because they have actually come through for vets of his era. (Now it is the younger vets that are getting the shaft--oy!)

Do you have a community college near you? Would it possible to take just one class while you are working? One of the things a community college offers is counseling and you may find support there for other issues besides academic. If you could pursue anything you wanted academically, what would you choose?

P.S.I've always wanted to see Palm Springs. I live on the coast up north but I have a longing to see that part of the desert. One of these springs I will make it down there. What do you think the best time to see the desert is? Spring or winter?
 
Hey motiv,

Well, I'm still here. I have absolutely no drugs at the moment, so this anxiety is crippling. I've had the past 3 days off of work, and I've done absoultely nothing but sleep all 3 days away, instead of getting up and working on my car, or paying bills.

I'm just a 22 year old kid, working paycheck to paycheck, in a very bad enviroment. I recently took my dad in with me so he wouldn't be a 68 year old homeless man, and it's just adding to all the stress I have around me.

I feel like I have so much potential, being squashed by all these stupid fucking feelings in my head.

I should be grinding, working to be able to support not only myself on more than just paycheck to paycheck, but to help out my dad too, and I can't.

My dad is also very mentally sick, and sleeps just about everyday away, or just watches tv if he isn't sleeping.

I'm just so lost. I cry every day. I crave opiates. I've even steeped as low as to ask a neighbor if she had any extra vicodins laying around, just so I could stop crying and maybe accomplish something for the day. Vicodins? Really, lol. I'm used to 30-40mg oxy.

Hey , if it makes you feel good to help your dad than do that... But if he is only gonna sit around and never better himself, than you gotta do what you gotta do. Its good that you cry everyday believe it or not... it means you are in touch with your emotions and when things turn around you will feel immediate relief and happiness... For me I went though a lot, where I was in tourture but woudn't let myself feel anything until , when I did let it out, it was like gushing. Just remember to stay centered, remember what it is your going for... and if all else fails stay focused on the DAY that you are currently in and NOTHING else, do not think beyond THIS day, tell yourself that
 
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