lecroute
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Oct 7, 2022
- Messages
- 885
I was prescribed 1mg Clonazepam to be taken when and how needed to filter things out in stressful situations so I won't get overwhelmed and become catatonic. This was in 2021 and shortly after my doctor died. Since then my GP has been writing the prescriptions exactly as the original ones, and said that as long as I don't come asking for more than that, things are fine with him.
Which was no problem at all, as I could go weeks without even thinking something like clona even existed.
Soon I moved to a new place and it seemed like a good change for me. I began to rebuild my life as best as I could under the circumstances. There were still COVID regulations in place that kept me from going almost anywhere because I also tend to hyperventilate and already fainted a few times while wearing the shitty face masks.
But it was a nice, quit place I was living (just 5 houses in the middle of nowhere) and it felt like heaven after the chaos I was exposed to at my old place.
Only it didn't last.
The landlord applied the maximum rent raise (12.5%) the following year.
Neighbors began to get grumpy because the land around them was now open for construction.
Someone with no insurance drove into my parked car and destroyed it, and I became like a five-year-old who depends on mommy and daddy to take them everywhere.
They started to built two houses on the next lots to mine, and it was noise 24/7. Sometimes I had to interrupt a work meeting (videocall) because people said they didn't understand a word I said, and neither could I understand them.
It was about the most stressful situation I have ever been, even more stressful than the one I "escaped" from (and I've been in prison and had other not so common experiences).
The thing is I started taking clonas more often, at a point daily. I never cared much about it because I had a lot of unused ones from previous prescriptions and then there was the "this is what they are for" justification I and others were telling me.
Last week of January this year, I managed to find a place where I feel good and which has a lot of potential for me. I'm still short on money (another story) but know it's something that will resolve itself at some point.
I have public transportation, and I'm discovering places to go. I have finally room to pursue some hobbies, have a corner I can set up for exercising (with metal beams to hang stuff from) My neighbors are friendly, relaxed people. My dogs are happy and welcomed.
I really thought with all that, I would just forget about Clonazepam or anything else.
Turns out I don't.
I'm honest enough to admit that I do like to abuse them from time to time. I did that even before having a prescription.
But that's on certain occasions only.
Most days I hate to have to take them.
But if I don't I start feeling weird. Not anxious like many of you describe, but it's more like being exposed and vulnerable.
Not to the extend of being afraid to go out, or talk to people.
It's more subtle.
It starts out fine, I can spend a whole day without clona. And if I shut myself out (which means no communication with the outside world) I guess I could go for another day. But self-isolation is not the solution.
So I start taking part but then something happens (like a mail from my health insurance company arrives) and I stop functioning altogether, and then it's not just .5mg of clona I take but the the whole bar (2mg, which is practically what I was told to take if this happens)
And then it's just keeping the level because I have to keep functioning to solve that health insurance issue, right? And I can work again, too.
Now the health insurance thing was solved (thanks dad for your help) but I had to come down from several days of up to 4mg clona I didn't even enjoy back to (hopefully) nothing.
I still manage to do that. But it's taking me longer than it took me like two years ago, and it's a more conscious thing, not something that I just don't do because I don't feel the need.
I know I should find a new specialist and get me reevaluated. I know that I will have to take benzos forever because of my underlying condition and how it presents itself. But I also have to carry an EpiPen and most of the time I'm kind of forget about it sitting in my bag.
Mmm... I started with a question in mind and now I told half my story and forgot what it was.
Maybe I answered it myself, subconsciously (though I think not).
Anyway, writing all this down kind of helped, and now that it's written I can as well send it out into the blue light world.
Thanks.
Which was no problem at all, as I could go weeks without even thinking something like clona even existed.
Soon I moved to a new place and it seemed like a good change for me. I began to rebuild my life as best as I could under the circumstances. There were still COVID regulations in place that kept me from going almost anywhere because I also tend to hyperventilate and already fainted a few times while wearing the shitty face masks.
But it was a nice, quit place I was living (just 5 houses in the middle of nowhere) and it felt like heaven after the chaos I was exposed to at my old place.
Only it didn't last.
The landlord applied the maximum rent raise (12.5%) the following year.
Neighbors began to get grumpy because the land around them was now open for construction.
Someone with no insurance drove into my parked car and destroyed it, and I became like a five-year-old who depends on mommy and daddy to take them everywhere.
They started to built two houses on the next lots to mine, and it was noise 24/7. Sometimes I had to interrupt a work meeting (videocall) because people said they didn't understand a word I said, and neither could I understand them.
It was about the most stressful situation I have ever been, even more stressful than the one I "escaped" from (and I've been in prison and had other not so common experiences).
The thing is I started taking clonas more often, at a point daily. I never cared much about it because I had a lot of unused ones from previous prescriptions and then there was the "this is what they are for" justification I and others were telling me.
Last week of January this year, I managed to find a place where I feel good and which has a lot of potential for me. I'm still short on money (another story) but know it's something that will resolve itself at some point.
I have public transportation, and I'm discovering places to go. I have finally room to pursue some hobbies, have a corner I can set up for exercising (with metal beams to hang stuff from) My neighbors are friendly, relaxed people. My dogs are happy and welcomed.
I really thought with all that, I would just forget about Clonazepam or anything else.
Turns out I don't.
I'm honest enough to admit that I do like to abuse them from time to time. I did that even before having a prescription.
But that's on certain occasions only.
Most days I hate to have to take them.
But if I don't I start feeling weird. Not anxious like many of you describe, but it's more like being exposed and vulnerable.
Not to the extend of being afraid to go out, or talk to people.
It's more subtle.
It starts out fine, I can spend a whole day without clona. And if I shut myself out (which means no communication with the outside world) I guess I could go for another day. But self-isolation is not the solution.
So I start taking part but then something happens (like a mail from my health insurance company arrives) and I stop functioning altogether, and then it's not just .5mg of clona I take but the the whole bar (2mg, which is practically what I was told to take if this happens)
And then it's just keeping the level because I have to keep functioning to solve that health insurance issue, right? And I can work again, too.
Now the health insurance thing was solved (thanks dad for your help) but I had to come down from several days of up to 4mg clona I didn't even enjoy back to (hopefully) nothing.
I still manage to do that. But it's taking me longer than it took me like two years ago, and it's a more conscious thing, not something that I just don't do because I don't feel the need.
I know I should find a new specialist and get me reevaluated. I know that I will have to take benzos forever because of my underlying condition and how it presents itself. But I also have to carry an EpiPen and most of the time I'm kind of forget about it sitting in my bag.
Mmm... I started with a question in mind and now I told half my story and forgot what it was.
Maybe I answered it myself, subconsciously (though I think not).
Anyway, writing all this down kind of helped, and now that it's written I can as well send it out into the blue light world.
Thanks.
