i think i ruined my brain for good

[infantannihilator]

damn bros, you ever think my brain will heal?

sometimes i dont think so, i think its beyond putting in an effort sort of deal. you know, once you experience something you cant ever turn that experience off or go back. the only way to do any healing is to go sober as fuvk, which i did once.. but i just took the same approach to health as i did drugs or sucking dick: all or nothing. damm bros in 6 months i doubled my lifts n gained 20lbs , man i was poppin so many supps n shit, learned all sorts of molecular biology, i went hard,no smoking, no drugs, didnt even drink durin that time because i never wanted to feel like shit on lift day, or because i had to lift that night and didnt want to disrupt my sleep or my supp cycles.

and through the health i gained nothing, never felt any better about life or my place in it in general.. then started hard into research chems which i discovered as an adjunct to peptide research.

life is shit and i think i have just ruined my brain to a point where ill never get out of this cycle.

 

[CalicoSam]

How long have you been abstinent from the research chemicals and other substances that "ruined your brain"?

I don't think you've ruined your brain for good. But you may have done yourself some damage from which your recovery will be slow and possibly will not ever be complete.

Doctors might be able to help. Supplements used judiciously might help. Exercise and good sleep might help. After you've been abstinent a while and are stable cautious, informed use of nootropics might help.

The main thing is to continue abstaining from things you know are doing you damage.

 

[RDP89]

What exactly are your symptoms?

 

[infantannihilator]

How long have you been abstinent from the research chemicals and other substances that "ruined your brain"?
I don't think you've ruined your brain for good. But you may have done yourself some damage from which your recovery will be slow and possibly will not ever be complete.
Doctors might be able to help. Supplements used judiciously might help. Exercise and good sleep might help. After you've been abstinent a while and are stable cautious, informed use of nootropics might help.
The main thing is to continue abstaining from things you know are doing you damage.

What exactly are your symptoms?

I just always feel like something is missing. Im a polydrug user, been struggling with iv coke since this summer, but recently went on two 3-4 day meth binges.. one of which ended up in a freak partial collapse of one of my lungs. ive also been struggling with an off and on codeine addiction where i take 30-40 t1s a day, which equates to 9000-12000mg of tylenol, and as we all know the max reccomended is 4000. add to that drinking half a fifth a night in some cases. its a wonder my liver hasnt packed it in.

i cant get through my work day without the pain killers, and even then or possibly as a result of, or a combination of the two I am tired as all hell by the end of the day. staying sober even, really ttryng, i just hit a point where i am so fucking worn out, then i end up in a depressive rut and turn to drugs to satiate myself.

ive basically thrown my life away with this pattern of abstinence, deprssion, using, depression, etc

my other point was ive done the sober, exercise, be healthy thing for an extende period of time, and granted there were some times I felt great, but i just took that to extremes itself and I probably exaerbated my physical ailments that lead to pain.. looking back on it i was always in pain. this was two years ago, then I got into research psychedelics and empathogens.. amd then ultimately last year i shot up for thfirsttimean tried to killmyself, ende up homeless for 4 months.. (of which I was entiely sober for, and to be honest being in that shelter was very memorable for me)

I mean damn.. i usedto make 60k a year, had a new car, all sorts of shit, the world was my oyster.

now im just a fucking super in debt shamble of a man going through these torturous cycles.. and at this point I dont think Ill ever escape.

 

[infantannihilator]

ifit werent for social assistance, which I am ashamed to admit I am on right now.. id be buggered. Im not working now but I can go back any time. last I used anything was new years.. I ran out of codeine on saturday, as well as money for smokes (pack a day)... yes i kept smoking even while one of my lungs had a hole in it.. and truthflly, it didnt bother me, I mean, my chest hurt but Inever once thought "ok, gotta stop smoking im killing myself"

I shot up too much coke in the summer and blacked out and had a seizure.. i was alone.. im lucky I didnt die. I woke up with a dislocated shoulder, a hole in my swollen to masive proportions lip, blood everywhere... and you know what I was doing? settin up another shot. I did two more with a disocated arm before I walked to the hospital. didnt stop me, I actually grabbed more coke that very night if i recall.

thats all im doing.. slowly killing myself because im too much of a pussy to do it in one fell swoop.

 

[Zapgunn]

I’ve been stressing really hard lately that I’ve fucked up my brain from shooting up way too much meth for way to long. I used to be really smart, but now I feel like i can’t remember anything (like for real, there are whole parts of my life that i can’t remember) I can’t focus well, and i get very confused and frustrated quite often. I also have trouble enjoying things I once loved, and all into terrible bouts of depression and anxiety. So I have literally been driving myself crazy with regret and obsessing over my mental state constantly, fearing that i fucked my brain for good this time.

All of this of course is making things way worse than they need to be. I’m starting to try and accept where I am today and realize that some of this might be in my head (some of it is obviously very real, but i think I’m exaggerating it and making my symptoms worse) If we keep obsessing over this we are going to overwhelm ourselves and that will probably lead us back to using more and causing more damage!

So yeah acceptance right now is key for me. I did some damage yeah, its not great that I did this, but I just have to deal with it one day at a time. I also need to remember that the brain is an amazing thing that can heal itself (slowly) from all sorts of shit. I mean you always here stories of people who were just as bad junkies as us, but now are happy and successful. So it can happen to us, it might just take a lot of time.

I don’t know if your into AA/NA meetings but those have been helping me a little bit. It’s just nice to see people that were once as hopeless as me now sober and doing some pretty cool stuff. It helps give me hope. Of course you have to find the right meetings because some of them are shit. If thats not your thing, I think some sort of support group is crucial for people like us and there are other options.

 

[infantannihilator]

Honestly brother, out of all the drugs ive done, none has ever left me feeling so fucked up than meth, and I never really got all that into it. I've used it on three occasions as I said for 3-4 day binges, to the point im hallucinating, hearing people, seeing bugs and all sorts of shit all over, and I swear each time it took me more than a week to feel regular again. Ive been on major coke binges, but never pushed past two days no sleep.. however two weeks straight left me a fucking depressed total wreck. Really though, it doesn't compare to how hard meth feels on my system, so if you've had prolonged use I can only just imagine.

Ive been through all sorts of drug classes an counselling at a local mental hospital, did a ten week "intensive" group cbt clas, but never gone to aa etc. I guess part of my lack of courage lies in the fact that I have tried all these things and in the end the only real truth is: you have to want it, and only you can do it. It really and truly is that simple.. yet the simplest things often seem the hardest. You always see the stories, you're right..but I wonder what the ratio of junkies who found sobriety, to junkies who death-spiraled into a hole in the ground are. I don't think I could fall any lower than being homeless.. but Idiscovered I could handle that life, but more importantly, that we are extremely adaptive beings and make use of our surroundings. As weird as it sounds, for me, being down there was almost uplifting.

I feel like I came out of my depressive hole yesterday which is good. Finally picked up a book again (avid reader), and have been more vocal which I notice is a sign that I'm feeling better.