I am so thankful for you to support me. It feels unreal to have so loving community.
There is order of emotions, kinda. The pissed offness, anger protects human from anxiety which protects from sorrow and/or fear. Or something like that, you get the idea. My therapeutist actually confirmed that is thing.
Some years ago after trauma, I noticed how it all changes all the time. Very unstable. And when the colossal sorrow got too bad, I sometimes dissociated in very selective way. Only disconnect from emotions but otherwise I felt like all is real and clear. When the trauma was happening and long while after, I was just griefing hard, my soul had broken. I had never before felt so vulnerable and fragile. I cried so loudly, it felt sometimes endless and sorrow too big to cry out. It feels good to cry sometimes, but eventually, it started to feel just bad. I could cry chaotically when walking outside doing errands. I tried to avoid it, but eventually I got dependent on benzos. They made me so empty, emotionless and useless. Withdrawal, well, you know.
I have now realized that in the moment, the worst problem is fear, anxiety. I expect myself to fail acting up to the obsessions I have and avoiding triggers. And I have constant pains. And the thing with chronic pain is, it changes your personality and lifestyle. It conditioned me to be extremely body conscious and avoiding certain things. The obsession-compulsion part of me twisted around it and I am now using my body all the time in compulsive way. Have for years. I don't want to move. I want to be in certain positions and not in certain positions. I don't want to go outside.
It is so insanely cruel to live like this. But I am certain things are changing. I can fucking do it.

Now I feel totally exhausted and I just want to sleep. Just suddenly, out of nowhere. But I have to eat. I want to develop new habits.
There is order of emotions, kinda. The pissed offness, anger protects human from anxiety which protects from sorrow and/or fear. Or something like that, you get the idea. My therapeutist actually confirmed that is thing.
Some years ago after trauma, I noticed how it all changes all the time. Very unstable. And when the colossal sorrow got too bad, I sometimes dissociated in very selective way. Only disconnect from emotions but otherwise I felt like all is real and clear. When the trauma was happening and long while after, I was just griefing hard, my soul had broken. I had never before felt so vulnerable and fragile. I cried so loudly, it felt sometimes endless and sorrow too big to cry out. It feels good to cry sometimes, but eventually, it started to feel just bad. I could cry chaotically when walking outside doing errands. I tried to avoid it, but eventually I got dependent on benzos. They made me so empty, emotionless and useless. Withdrawal, well, you know.
I have now realized that in the moment, the worst problem is fear, anxiety. I expect myself to fail acting up to the obsessions I have and avoiding triggers. And I have constant pains. And the thing with chronic pain is, it changes your personality and lifestyle. It conditioned me to be extremely body conscious and avoiding certain things. The obsession-compulsion part of me twisted around it and I am now using my body all the time in compulsive way. Have for years. I don't want to move. I want to be in certain positions and not in certain positions. I don't want to go outside.
It is so insanely cruel to live like this. But I am certain things are changing. I can fucking do it.

Now I feel totally exhausted and I just want to sleep. Just suddenly, out of nowhere. But I have to eat. I want to develop new habits.