No Azure, you are still alive... and your present 'journey south' is probably just an unfortunate coincidence. It sounds as if that fire might have damaged you however, I don't know about physically, but mentally almost certainly. If you think about that candle incident, you actually WERE experiencing a 'house fire' again, albeit a harmless one, though in the confusion and panic of waking up, you weren't aware of that.
What you are suffering from sounds very much like Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, which affects many, many people after undergoing any terrifying, life threattening disaster or situation. The all consuming terror and panic endured at such moments does not just go away and get forgotten, it can be restored or revived by what sometimes seem like almost unconnected stimuli and events, sometimes amy many years after the initial trauma. It's hardly comforting to say you are quite normal, as I'm sure you feel far from it, but you are actually nothing unusual, and have plenty of fellow sufferers.
If you think about it, in a way everyone instinctively has PTSD, it is a vital part of survival and learning, for instance, someone badly bitten by a dog when a child, will usually feel a twinge of fear whenever they see a snarling dog for the rest of their life, which may well save them being injured or catching rabies. Unfortunately, such reasonable, sensible fears can sometimes run out of control, and turn into a panic attack, where fear feeds on fear, and is not only very traumatic, but can be positively dangerous - 'panicking blindly' is no way to be when faced with real danger!
The good news is, significant developments have been made in treating this disorder lately, and enlightened methods and therapies which don't require large quantities of drugs with unpleasant, sedating side effects. Even better, PTSD is now treated with far greater sympathy and understanding, mostly due to the large numberr of military personnel afflicted upon returning to civilian life.
Although PTSD has always been with us, it was only really recognised during WW1, when large numbers of soldiers suffering from 'shell shock' caused concern - though it took a while for military medics to understand why strapping great, veteran troopers with many decorations for bravery and valour, would sometimes collapse and hide under the table shivering with terror, after someone pulled a Christmas cracker near them. The steady, unseen and crippling effect of being under intermittent shell fire for weeks at a time had never been seen before, and was very sadly and cruelly dismissed as 'lack of moral fibre' or 'cowardice', and quite a few poor devils were shot by firing squads before this 'new malady' was recognised. PTSD is of course most often and most dramatically an affliction of front line troops, where long periods of inactivity (though still in danger and under pressure), are suddenly broken by frantic, nerve jangling combat... where a cool head and clear thinking are essential.
Sorry aboout that 'lecture' Azure, but it may be reassuring to know you are 'in good company', and have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, blamed for or worried about. I'd guess that what you experiencing is particularly unfortuate, since the initial trauma occured at night, and is (I'd guess?) disturbing your sleep, and maybe causing nightmares - which can still have severe effects on your nerves, even if you are actually unaware of them.... but wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding and very anxious.
That sounds like I am 'covering all bases' I suppose, but I hope it might help explain possible reasons for your current problems. I notice you say you "...wonder if maybe I died and was trapped in hell or purgatory." In effect that is very symbolic, if PTSD panic attacks are the cause - a terrifying, overwhelming fear of dying is one of the worst features of panic attacks, which I have suffered, and found (like I suspect you do) they were utterly exhausting, just the dread fear and tension of waking up in the grip of one kept me awake and 'disturbed my rest' for months, during which everything seemed to go wrong, and my whole life was effectively made a misery, just by the 'fear' of fear itself. THe expression 'nervous wreck' has gone out off fashion nowadays, but actually suited my condition very well at that time. I wonder if any of this sounds familiar?
If it does, I have good news, based on my own experience and what little I know about modern PTSD treatment. Back in the 'old days', I was sucessfully treated with small doses of Benzodizepies, and recovered very quickly, and a few months later needed no medication at all. I'm pretty sure you will find things much more advanced and convenient nowadays, assuming PTSD is to blame. The very best of luck, whatever - sleep well and sweet dreams!
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