Depression I swear some people who kill themselves do it just to STFU the thoughts of whether or not to kill themselves

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Literally feel like I'm getting a migraine from the constant internal dialogue of whether to kill myself or not.
Even the pettiest little things like "oh that movie looks awesome, I guess I won't kill myself until it comes out next week" or "Run out of opioids 2 days early again, I guess I'll kill myself before the withdrawal hits"

drjgbswjkgb.sjlbv.sbg I'm so sick of it.

Plus, the diabetic clinic basically gave me the equivalent of a loaded gun. I have at all times around 5 instant insulin pens with 300 units each (total 1500 units of insulin...100 is enough to put me in an immediate coma) so I'm constantly deliberating whether to just inject the lot.

IDK if I even wanna die or not. It's more like I do the opposite of doing things to be healthier. Like I wanna minimise my natural life-span. For example, I smoke 30 cigarettes a day and was just diagnosed with early stages of COPD...so I started smoking 40 cigarettes a day.

I'm so confused.

 

[paranoid android]

Do you have depressioin or is it just intrusive thoughts? Are you on any meds for it? Opiate wd also causes thoughts like that i remember when i used to get really sick from dilaudid wd id get thoughts like that but i ws never seriously suicidal.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Do you have depressioin or is it just intrusive thoughts? Are you on any meds for it? Opiate wd also causes thoughts like that i remember when i used to get really sick from dilaudid wd id get thoughts like that but i ws never seriously suicidal.

I have Severe Major Depressive Disorder (w/ psychosis)....I am also 26 hours into opioid withdrawal, though and I think right now it is exacerbating things. I'm on several psych meds (sertraline, trazodone, seroquel, thorazine) that have been helping, but I've been having these thoughts more and more often recently. I feel like maybe I should see my doctor about it

 

[2c-Connoisseur]

I don't know but I doubt it. I think people commit suicide either due to just having experienced a devastating event, or due to unbearable pain from a long term illness after trying and falling to get out of it. Some people also have delusional thoughts which convince them to do it I think too

 

[Mysterier]

I feel like maybe I should see my doctor about it

This is the best idea.

Perhaps the hesitance and looking for signs to give yourself more time are life rafts to keep you afloat during this turbulence. Be patient with yourself if you can. I hope these thoughts and the confusion subside soonest, but I recommend seeing your doctor as soon as possible.

 

[Neuroprotection]

Literally feel like I'm getting a migraine from the constant internal dialogue of whether to kill myself or not.
Even the pettiest little things like "oh that movie looks awesome, I guess I won't kill myself until it comes out next week" or "Run out of opioids 2 days early again, I guess I'll kill myself before the withdrawal hits"

drjgbswjkgb.sjlbv.sbg I'm so sick of it.

Plus, the diabetic clinic basically gave me the equivalent of a loaded gun. I have at all times around 5 instant insulin pens with 300 units each (total 1500 units of insulin...100 is enough to put me in an immediate coma) so I'm constantly deliberating whether to just inject the lot.

IDK if I even wanna die or not. It's more like I do the opposite of doing things to be healthier. Like I wanna minimise my natural life-span. For example, I smoke 30 cigarettes a day and was just diagnosed with early stages of COPD...so I started smoking 40 cigarettes a day.

I'm so confused.

Please stay strong my friend, we all love you and care for you and don’t wish for you to harm yourself. I remember being suicidal as a teenager, that is, whenever anything got difficult, I pondered about the idea of killing myself to end it all. The thing is, I am prohibited from committing suicide by my religion and that’s the only thing that saved my life. just wanted to mention that once I accepted this fact fully and let go of The prospect of suicide, I was suddenly hit by an amazing sense of calm and new appreciation for life. once you reject suicide as an option, you learn to accept difficult challenges in life even if that means doing nothing about it. Life is so short, and you never know how it might improve in future, so it’s such a shame and a huge wasted opportunity to end it early.
I encourage you to speak to your doctor, maybe try a different medication or combination treatment, or even sign up for a new treatment, like magnetic brain stimulation. there is definitely something out there for you and by staying strong you help others who might be in a similar situation. I read about many cases of people who came to the brink of suicide, literally about to shoot themselves in the head and then, for some reason, intended to put it off for awhile. they then come to reject the prospect of suicide completely, and are happy they did not succeed.

I wish you all the best in your recovery.

 

[Juniper Bruhmomentius]

Methadone for life in your case would be the naturally smartest option, obv

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Methadone for life in your case would be the naturally smartest option, obv

Why do you say that? Methadone made me gain 30lbs (without altering my diet) and also gave me severe secondary hyperhidrosis

 

[BlossomsBlooming]

Literally feel like I'm getting a migraine from the constant internal dialogue of whether to kill myself or not.
Even the pettiest little things like "oh that movie looks awesome, I guess I won't kill myself until it comes out next week" or "Run out of opioids 2 days early again, I guess I'll kill myself before the withdrawal hits"

drjgbswjkgb.sjlbv.sbg I'm so sick of it.

Plus, the diabetic clinic basically gave me the equivalent of a loaded gun. I have at all times around 5 instant insulin pens with 300 units each (total 1500 units of insulin...100 is enough to put me in an immediate coma) so I'm constantly deliberating whether to just inject the lot.

IDK if I even wanna die or not. It's more like I do the opposite of doing things to be healthier. Like I wanna minimise my natural life-span. For example, I smoke 30 cigarettes a day and was just diagnosed with early stages of COPD...so I started smoking 40 cigarettes a day.

I'm so confused.

As a nearly lifelong depressive with first episode of suicidal ideation around age 8 (and took a handful of Ibuprofen, then completely forgot about it, went outside and played all day, only to remember at bedtime thinking “Oh yeah, I forgot I tried to kill myself” ), I know those Dark Nights of the Soul all too well. The one report that has always stuck with me was out of San Francisco, with research gathered from any survivors of a Golden Gate Bridge attempt. Every single person interviewed reported intense regret the moment their feet left the bridge. I’m 47 now, successfully treated for anxiety/depression, able to recognize how my mind was truly playing tricks on me during the lowest of my low experiences. It’s totally whacked though, my friend. The thought “You should kill yourself” rolls through my brain at least 5 times per week to this day. Sitting peacefully in the beautiful sunshine and there it goes. I acknowledge it and let it go. Fucking bizarre. You aren’t alone.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Spoke to my doctor on the phone today. He increased my Sertraline (Zoloft) from 150mg/day to 200mg/day and suggested I take my Trazodone (which I'm actually prescribed for sleep and only take when I REALLY need it like once or twice a week at most) every night so I can benefit from it's anti-depressant affects, too.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

I'd like to thank all of you for your kind, replies btw

 

[BlossomsBlooming]

Spoke to my doctor on the phone today. He increased my Sertraline (Zoloft) from 150mg/day to 200mg/day and suggested I take my Trazodone (which I'm actually prescribed for sleep and only take when I REALLY need it like once or twice a week at most) every night so I can benefit from it's anti-depressant affects, too.

Glad to hear you’re actively seeking betterment for yourself! I just learned of EMDR therapy the other day. I’m fascinated. Ketamine is showing strong results as well. Keep seeking as necessary! All that Science out there is elevating all the good! XO

 

[jasperkent]

"Should I kill myself, or have a cup of coffee? But in the end, one needs more courage to live than to kill himself." -- Albert Camus

I've seriously considered suicide many times. I don't think of myself as particularly courageous. I think I just really like coffee.

 

[Lysosomalstorage]

Suicidal ideation is definitely all depression/dissociation/depersonalisation based, but actual suicide is often from panic, I've lost a couple friends now who all left notes and there was always some catalyst that accelerated plans from ideation to action. Something that put a timer on building the nerve to do it. Obviously this is anecdotal to my experience, but the worst part to me is all the things that caused them to have this countdown or impending doom were easily solved and inconsequential to anyone not suffering in their specific way. It was the ideation build up that warped their perspective to the point where a countdown would even exist. As soon as you start considering suicide you need to realise you're not thinking rationally and you need help, even if internally it all makes total sense, in reality it doesn't. Anyone can reach this point and it's normal to not know that you've reached it.

 

[paranoid android]

Why do you say that? Methadone made me gain 30lbs (without altering my diet) and also gave me severe secondary hyperhidrosis

Ideally you could get something lke time release morphine as a substutite but i think they only do that in BC and a few euro countries.I have never taken methadone but i know people who gained weight from it. I never gained any serious weight from morphine or dilaudid. Also do you find the thorazine boosts opiates? When i first took thorazine with morphine i was nodding out the whole way home in my moms car lol.

As for your depression have you ever thought about ketamine maybe? I to have had psychosis in the past it's fucking awful. I dont get depression though thankfully

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Glad to hear you’re actively seeking betterment for yourself! I just learned of EMDR therapy the other day. I’m fascinated. Ketamine is showing strong results as well. Keep seeking as necessary! All that Science out there is elevating all the good! XO

What is EMDR? I'd definitely be interested in that ketamine-infusion treatment. Not sure if you can get it on the NHS (anyone from the UK know??) or if they'd let me do it with a history of addiction, but it's something I'm considering asking about.

 

[ChemicallyEnhanced]

Ideally you could get something lke time release morphine as a substutite but i think they only do that in BC and a few euro countries.I have never taken methadone but i know people who gained weight from it. I never gained any serious weight from morphine or dilaudid. Also do you find the thorazine boosts opiates? When i first took thorazine with morphine i was nodding out the whole way home in my moms car lol.

As for your depression have you ever thought about ketamine maybe? I to have had psychosis in the past it's fucking awful. I dont get depression though thankfully

Yes! I avoided taking the morphine and thorazine together for ages since I've heard people say APs decrease opioid effects, but I do find the thorazine increases the morphines effects, especially sedation.

I've never gained weight on any opioid other than methadone before.

I'd definitely consider the ketamine thing. Not sure if it's available here, though.

 

[Jnowhere]

To Chemically Enhanced: Suicide is not the answer, waking up in hell is much worse. Get right with the Lord. Repent, accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior and lead as Godly a life as you can. Only Jesus can save you and I know, I felt the same way too. No, things in life are not suddenly going to be wonderful, but it is going to get better. I still have problems but they are getting better. I discovered a new lease on life through the Lord. I repented and came to a saving knowledge of Jesus Christ. I have been trying to live a God fearing life. Boring maybe, but not wanting to die, looking forward to eternity.
Sorry, to break it to you, life is not fun, Adam and Eve screwed that up and cursed all mankind. This life is a test in a way. It has been almost 2,000 years since his death, but people, good or bad can't stop talking about him. WHY, HE IS THE MESSIAH AND THE ONE TRUE SON OF GOD ALMIGHTY. HE IS THE LIGHT AND THE WAY TO ETERNAL SALVATION.

 

[Senior Moderator]

I have Severe Major Depressive Disorder (w/ psychosis)....I am also 26 hours into opioid withdrawal, though and I think right now it is exacerbating things. I'm on several psych meds (sertraline, trazodone, seroquel, thorazine) that have been helping, but I've been having these thoughts more and more often recently. I feel like maybe I should see my doctor about it

You should definitely see your doctor about this. This sounds like a pretty urgent situation for you. Will you see your doctor?

*Edit* Sorry, I hit reply straight away without reading the thread. Good on you for speaking with your doctor. That is a REALLY strong indication that you do not actually want to kill yourself, and that you DO want to feel better. I hope you realise that and give yourself massive props for taking action ❤

 

[Asclepius]

Literally feel like I'm getting a migraine from the constant internal dialogue of whether to kill myself or not.
Even the pettiest little things like "oh that movie looks awesome, I guess I won't kill myself until it comes out next week" or "Run out of opioids 2 days early again, I guess I'll kill myself before the withdrawal hits"

drjgbswjkgb.sjlbv.sbg I'm so sick of it.

Plus, the diabetic clinic basically gave me the equivalent of a loaded gun. I have at all times around 5 instant insulin pens with 300 units each (total 1500 units of insulin...100 is enough to put me in an immediate coma) so I'm constantly deliberating whether to just inject the lot.

IDK if I even wanna die or not. It's more like I do the opposite of doing things to be healthier. Like I wanna minimise my natural life-span. For example, I smoke 30 cigarettes a day and was just diagnosed with early stages of COPD...so I started smoking 40 cigarettes a day.

I'm so confused.

You are fucking amazing - you have a wonderful mix of irritating & being profoundly, smart & beautiful - why the fuck would you want to erase yourself!?