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i started cutting

infantannihilator

infantannihilator

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 19, 2013
Messages
899
Location
Canada
i was gonna go to the mental hospital yeserday but didnt.. cuts arent very deep dont need stitches but there are a lot, both my forearms look like a cat on meth raped them

dont really know what to do about that.. i know i wont get any real help. maybe since im self harming now maybe idk. but it feels almost as good as shootin drugs. i realize i just like stabbing myself and the adrenaline of never knowing if i slammed too much or cut too deep. it's exhilerating

i used to worry abou track marks being seen at work.. but i literally cannot bear my arms.


i actually had an amazimg day on friday, hung out all afternoon in the park layin down and reading on the hill. beautiful day. just felt great and alive.

somehow 6 hours later i was giggling madly as i watched the blood dribble out of my arm

i was drinking.. but this is time #2 after i didnt work.

bleh

i seriousoy have no real will or urge to "die" as it were. im just determined to ruin my life at any and all costs leading up to and aside from life itself
 
I feel like I need to be "locked up" for like a 60 day detox/rehab.. I want to work but my arms are so fucking fucked up and I can't hide them so essentially I can't go. I don't really know what to do to be honest. Ive not done coke but Ive been drowning myself in alcohol and otc codeine. i have no idea how my liver hasnt failed. Ive broken shit. just started physically mutilating myself.. like what the fuck.

i dont know what to do.. the really dont do anything asap at the hospital unless youre tryin to kill yourself right then and there.. I feel pretty sane right now, but that could swing within hours. loosely lookin at programs at the centee for adiction n mental health theres literally a year+ wait for any of them lol

its juat going to escalate until I die. I almost wish I didn't wake up when I od'd before. i don't want to die, but it'd be easier if i just did.
 
infantannihilator -

I began cutting when I was around 7 or 8, and it persisted well into my mid thirties. I found the intensity of the cuts got worse with age. My arms and the top of my right thigh look like I was in a knife fight. Some of the cuts went down to the bone. I didn't seek medical attention opting to fix them the best I could with butterfly bandages, and then superglue once they were internally heal enough. Needless to say, I never wear short sleeves.

I found that I quickly out grew cutting while sober, sometime around high school. However, I would do horrific damage to myself when I would be in blackout mode from booze. In my experience, the problem continued to escalate as my drinking escalated. I tried for years to get sober and the level of disgusting I felt toward myself for continued failing was reflected in my cuts, every time I relapsed. Since I have been sober, I haven't cut myself. I am currently saving cash to have laser treatment on the scars, and to have a ridiculous tattoo removed that covers an unrelated scar that I got while drunk.

My advice to you is figure out what is driving your unhappiness. You need to identify that pain and reconcile it. If at all possible, stop drinking. Drinking is progressive, and your consumption will increase as you try to counter the tolerance you will inevitably build.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Most people don't understand cutting, and most health care professionals discriminate against cutters. It's such a horrible cycle of not being a le to get help, and having to live with the emotional pain and shame. I wish I had better answers for you, I can certainly relate to what you are feeling, both what you hve written and what has been left out. In my opinion, cutting is nothing to be ashamed of, but it would be liberating if society didn't judge. I think it's a crapshoot regarding the hospital. You have to get a sense if you think they can help you or not. If you ever need to talk, on me. If you really need to drink, first try weed. For me weed help curb the desire to get drunk- though keep in mind it could also back fire and you may find yourself both drunk and high, though I found if I was drunk and high I was less inclined to cut myself.

Hugs!
 
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I agree with everything you wrote, x_benzo. Cutting is a symptom of many things--anxiety, self-loathing, OCD, unnameable pain. There are many layers to address--from the habit/ritual of it to the deeper sources of psychological pain. I hope for the best for you, OP. You can heal and you can heal on every level. <3
 
Stop drinking its a depressant and go on an anti-depressant. Stop doing things that contribute to your self loathing. Get out there and work. Do things to make yourself feel better about yourself. Sitting around drinking, not working and feeling sorry for yourself is the worst thing you can do. Anti-depressants take a few weeks to help but if you go on them, which I think you need due to an imbalance, and get back to work I bet you feel a thousand times better in a month. The only person that can help you and get you out of your funk is you, but you have to try. You can do it.
 
Sounds like you have a self destructive streak. Yeah, me too. I can't give you advice really. I stopped cutting because scar tissue doesn't cut. I can say this though. The scars, they don't help. My thighs look disgusting. And now, I have to see that everyday. And usually it's no big deal. But sometimes I see them and think "what the fuck has my life come to?". I get that thought alot. I do advise this, out of anything and any drug I have done, alcohol has induced more mental self-destruction than anything. And for me, the hardest part of quitting anything, is wanting to quit. I didn't stop cutting because my mom would cry over it. Or because it was hurting me. It's because whatever it did, just didn't do it anymore. It just didn't quite feel the same. Pm me if you ever need
 
Anti depressants make me go batshit insane. I "blame" wellbutrin for getting me into IV cocaine. I blame citalopram for my first suicidal breakdown which was planned and led to my first use of IV drugs.

I'm definitely bipolar. But havnt been diagnosed. I have been diagnosed with MDD.

I have multiple substance abuse issues and quite frankly I can't stop. I've tried. Very little success. As soon as I do I end up having a mental break of sorts and do something dumb.

I seriously need to be held and watched for a few months.. to get truly sober. doesnt matter how good im doing or feeling.. I could have the most amazing day ever then end the night punchin holes in my walls or shooting drugs.

Im never on an even kilter.. its just swing after swing.
 
Maybe it's best that you check in somewhere for a while. I know there are six month programs. You would be under psychiatric care while you're getting clean, which would be plenty of time for them to get your meds right, for you to get clean, and for you to get therapy. I know it sounds like a long time, but it goes by quickly and it nice to be in a safe protective environment away from daily life stress. If it helps you to get healthy, 6 months is really a short period of time compared to the rest of your life. If finances are an issue, there are places that let you work for them to pay your way through.
 
I don't think anything like that exists here.. I know a lot that do exist publicly are pretty short and have lonnngg waiting lists like, a year+

I've considered going into the mental center er just to see, they have everything.. my arms are pretty trashed up.. not deep cuts but so many
nws, trigger warning, no blood just scratches: http://i.imgur.com/I2tvEoQ.jpg other arm is worse.. but yeahhh. I want to go into work, quite frankly im bored off my ass but i cant hide my arms. it's really eating me since I make good money.. i dont kmow if when I go to the mntal place the arms will maybe be a little more of an "ok this guy needs help" ontop of all th other stuff.

my therapist i havent seen since november got back to me, says she can get me in on may 3rd, but cant see me long since shes dropping individual therapy to do a buncha group stuff in june/july that she wants me to sign up for.

i know #1 for mental stability is being sober.. but I cant move past 2-4 weeks.. and #2 i need some sort of mood stabilizer or something of the sort. I just have such problem ith continuing any sort of support, as I said didnt see my therapist since nov, who for a while I saw weekly..lol

anyway yeah..
 
The only thing that I know if is called being baker acted, which is a 72 hour hold if someone thinks you are a threat to yourself or others. After the 72 hours I am not sure what happens. My brother always got out. He is dead now from an accidental overdose, he had some serious issues too and was also a cutter.
 
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