I am at the point where I have no where to go other than some silly blog. Anything and everything might help me at this point. I am at the point where I am fantasizing about killing myself.
I am almost 23, I started taking pain killers at 18.. I haven't taken a pain killer in 5 weeks and it is making me go fucking crazy. I had issues with "despression" years before I started taking pain killers. So when I started taking them, for a long time it seemed like things were all better... For a long time I had an amazing time with pain killers. But about a year in a half ago it became full on addiction... Basically, and I just learned this a few months ago, my dad has been addicted to pain killers for a good 20 years... He has been an addict my whole fucking pathetic excuse of a life...I have 2 older brothers... He started giving them pain killers before me but around 18, I got them like drugs is a right of passage in my family.. Before pain killers I was smoking pot with my dad so, no shock there I guess. So, it startedted out slow but by 22 I was a full on piece of fucking shit addict. I have tried to quit a few times... SO FAR this is the longest I have been OFF of opiates. I haven't taken an opiate since June 4th. and I don't feel great... I want to get high. I HAVE taken adderall which I almost like better for the fact that it just makes me feel normal. I feel ALIVE on adderall but, I quit my job a few weeks ago when I decided to withdrawl from pain killers one final time and bought adderall a few times. Now the girl who sells it top me is moving, I have no money and no way of getting it. I had to pay for adderall which has been maybe a 5 month affair... PAIN KILLERS were free and they lasted 4-5 years at this point. So, at first I felt strong and happy t o be getting clean.. Now I have no money, no0 job and I feel like all I want is to feel good or to NOT FEEL. I have resorted to the DUMBEST fucking shit.... Enhaling nail polish remover, and drinking mouth wash... To feel ANYTHING but sober. I want opiates SO bad right now becaus eI just don't care if I live or die. I actually want to die and don't know how to really full proof kill myself without a gun.... Drugs have ruined my life and I see no healthy life left to live. I really don't know what to do. I am a 22 year old girl with, above average looks, when I take care of myself. On drugs, at 5'4 I was able to keep myself around 116 NOW, I'm about 130 which makes me feel fucking disgusting and fat. I just hate myself for everyhing right now and I WELCOME DEATH. I can't affored insurance. I feel like my mom sees me as a hypocrit, and no one really sees how much pain I am in. If I do end up finding a way to kill myself, part of me feels like leaving a bitchy note to show all my family memebers that they SHOULD give a fuck. My dad, an addict, WILL care.. My brothers will be hurt but right now I feel SO much resent towards my mom.. SHe just thinks I should be better.. Comparing drugs to a tumor... I removed the drugs from my life, I shuld be better right? WELL NO... FUCK her for marrying an addict and being a piece of shit mom. She wants me to be better but she doesn nothing to help. I am at the point where I either need SERIOUS help or I will go start fucking strrangers for drugs. I DON'T CARE anymore. I can't feel like this without help. I was a CHIL:D when I got addicted I STILL am a fucking child and no one in my family cares. I don't care really... I welcome death. Part of me wants help, but I can't afford help, I don't have insurance and my mom doesn't seem to give a fuck. So whatever. I am not religious but I pray for god to take my soul. I am broken and I can't believe this is my life.
I am almost 23, I started taking pain killers at 18.. I haven't taken a pain killer in 5 weeks and it is making me go fucking crazy. I had issues with "despression" years before I started taking pain killers. So when I started taking them, for a long time it seemed like things were all better... For a long time I had an amazing time with pain killers. But about a year in a half ago it became full on addiction... Basically, and I just learned this a few months ago, my dad has been addicted to pain killers for a good 20 years... He has been an addict my whole fucking pathetic excuse of a life...I have 2 older brothers... He started giving them pain killers before me but around 18, I got them like drugs is a right of passage in my family.. Before pain killers I was smoking pot with my dad so, no shock there I guess. So, it startedted out slow but by 22 I was a full on piece of fucking shit addict. I have tried to quit a few times... SO FAR this is the longest I have been OFF of opiates. I haven't taken an opiate since June 4th. and I don't feel great... I want to get high. I HAVE taken adderall which I almost like better for the fact that it just makes me feel normal. I feel ALIVE on adderall but, I quit my job a few weeks ago when I decided to withdrawl from pain killers one final time and bought adderall a few times. Now the girl who sells it top me is moving, I have no money and no way of getting it. I had to pay for adderall which has been maybe a 5 month affair... PAIN KILLERS were free and they lasted 4-5 years at this point. So, at first I felt strong and happy t o be getting clean.. Now I have no money, no0 job and I feel like all I want is to feel good or to NOT FEEL. I have resorted to the DUMBEST fucking shit.... Enhaling nail polish remover, and drinking mouth wash... To feel ANYTHING but sober. I want opiates SO bad right now becaus eI just don't care if I live or die. I actually want to die and don't know how to really full proof kill myself without a gun.... Drugs have ruined my life and I see no healthy life left to live. I really don't know what to do. I am a 22 year old girl with, above average looks, when I take care of myself. On drugs, at 5'4 I was able to keep myself around 116 NOW, I'm about 130 which makes me feel fucking disgusting and fat. I just hate myself for everyhing right now and I WELCOME DEATH. I can't affored insurance. I feel like my mom sees me as a hypocrit, and no one really sees how much pain I am in. If I do end up finding a way to kill myself, part of me feels like leaving a bitchy note to show all my family memebers that they SHOULD give a fuck. My dad, an addict, WILL care.. My brothers will be hurt but right now I feel SO much resent towards my mom.. SHe just thinks I should be better.. Comparing drugs to a tumor... I removed the drugs from my life, I shuld be better right? WELL NO... FUCK her for marrying an addict and being a piece of shit mom. She wants me to be better but she doesn nothing to help. I am at the point where I either need SERIOUS help or I will go start fucking strrangers for drugs. I DON'T CARE anymore. I can't feel like this without help. I was a CHIL:D when I got addicted I STILL am a fucking child and no one in my family cares. I don't care really... I welcome death. Part of me wants help, but I can't afford help, I don't have insurance and my mom doesn't seem to give a fuck. So whatever. I am not religious but I pray for god to take my soul. I am broken and I can't believe this is my life.