I really need help

codename

Greenlighter
Joined
Jul 9, 2010
Messages
1
I am at the point where I have no where to go other than some silly blog. Anything and everything might help me at this point. I am at the point where I am fantasizing about killing myself.

I am almost 23, I started taking pain killers at 18.. I haven't taken a pain killer in 5 weeks and it is making me go fucking crazy. I had issues with "despression" years before I started taking pain killers. So when I started taking them, for a long time it seemed like things were all better... For a long time I had an amazing time with pain killers. But about a year in a half ago it became full on addiction... Basically, and I just learned this a few months ago, my dad has been addicted to pain killers for a good 20 years... He has been an addict my whole fucking pathetic excuse of a life...I have 2 older brothers... He started giving them pain killers before me but around 18, I got them like drugs is a right of passage in my family.. Before pain killers I was smoking pot with my dad so, no shock there I guess. So, it startedted out slow but by 22 I was a full on piece of fucking shit addict. I have tried to quit a few times... SO FAR this is the longest I have been OFF of opiates. I haven't taken an opiate since June 4th. and I don't feel great... I want to get high. I HAVE taken adderall which I almost like better for the fact that it just makes me feel normal. I feel ALIVE on adderall but, I quit my job a few weeks ago when I decided to withdrawl from pain killers one final time and bought adderall a few times. Now the girl who sells it top me is moving, I have no money and no way of getting it. I had to pay for adderall which has been maybe a 5 month affair... PAIN KILLERS were free and they lasted 4-5 years at this point. So, at first I felt strong and happy t o be getting clean.. Now I have no money, no0 job and I feel like all I want is to feel good or to NOT FEEL. I have resorted to the DUMBEST fucking shit.... Enhaling nail polish remover, and drinking mouth wash... To feel ANYTHING but sober. I want opiates SO bad right now becaus eI just don't care if I live or die. I actually want to die and don't know how to really full proof kill myself without a gun.... Drugs have ruined my life and I see no healthy life left to live. I really don't know what to do. I am a 22 year old girl with, above average looks, when I take care of myself. On drugs, at 5'4 I was able to keep myself around 116 NOW, I'm about 130 which makes me feel fucking disgusting and fat. I just hate myself for everyhing right now and I WELCOME DEATH. I can't affored insurance. I feel like my mom sees me as a hypocrit, and no one really sees how much pain I am in. If I do end up finding a way to kill myself, part of me feels like leaving a bitchy note to show all my family memebers that they SHOULD give a fuck. My dad, an addict, WILL care.. My brothers will be hurt but right now I feel SO much resent towards my mom.. SHe just thinks I should be better.. Comparing drugs to a tumor... I removed the drugs from my life, I shuld be better right? WELL NO... FUCK her for marrying an addict and being a piece of shit mom. She wants me to be better but she doesn nothing to help. I am at the point where I either need SERIOUS help or I will go start fucking strrangers for drugs. I DON'T CARE anymore. I can't feel like this without help. I was a CHIL:D when I got addicted I STILL am a fucking child and no one in my family cares. I don't care really... I welcome death. Part of me wants help, but I can't afford help, I don't have insurance and my mom doesn't seem to give a fuck. So whatever. I am not religious but I pray for god to take my soul. I am broken and I can't believe this is my life.
 
Sweetie, print out your post and have your mom read it in front of you. If she cries she loves you. Once that happens let her hug you and do the mom thing and the two of you can sit down and figure this out together. You need to explain to her that you cannot do this alone. She should know that though. It was part of Mom 101. We have children and then we take care of them till we die of old age. We add grandkids into the mix but still live for the adult children too. Btw, if she doesn't cry then she has serious emotional issues. I'm not your mom and I welled up reading this :)

5'4' and 116 or 130 is a healthy weight. You'll be fine. You need to change some things in your life and get out of the rut you are in now.
 
Posting this was not easy was it to begin with, but I bet you felt some relieft when you pressed submit?

The more you talk about it, the better you will feel. The closer the person is to the issues, the better you will feel. +1 for reading to your mum.

Not going to bullshit you and say I know what you're going through, because I don't. What I can familiarise with is feelings of suicide, and to that end, I can assure you that things are NEVER as bad as they seem. Give yourself a chance to look back at this episode and wonder what the fuck you were thinking. Don't consider it; you're clearly stronger than that. Ask yourself every day for the next 10 days whether your negative feelings were as strong as the day before. If the answer (at any point) is no, then you are not ready to even consider taking more fundamental action.

Stay strong m8.
 
Codename:

I tried to kill myself once. I am very fucking glad that I failed in my attempt. In my mind, no life is worthless, and I don't think that any addict is a piece of shit. Addicts are people. You may be in a bad way right now, but it doesn't always have to be that way. Believe it or not, there are people who have had it worse than you that have managed to rise above all of the shit. I believe that you can do it.

Look at me: I am bipolar. At least you do not have a mental illness. Well, you said that you dealt with depression, but you didn't specify whether or not you meant clinical depression or just "regular" depression (such as being depressed because you are in a shitty situation or had a hard time growing up). One part of bipolar disorder is depression, so believe me, I know where you are coming from there.

I have felt so worthless before, many times, especially when my drug use spiraled out of control and I ended up in a mental institution two times in a row because I didn't want to give up the drugs. I lost everything that was important to me because of that. Somehow, I didn't give up. I managed to move ahead in life and stop using the drugs. Granted, I never got big into any drugs that had a physically addictive component or that would cause me to withdraw, but in my opinion a drug problem is a drug problem no matter what drug it is; anyone can go too far with any kind of drug. Just because something isn't physically addictive doesn't mean you can't fuck your shit up by using it.

Please try to have hope, even if you can only manage to have hope for one second out of each day. If you can do that, you are doing something positive. You are going to have to get to a point where you are seriously fucking pissed off and tired of your situation before you are able to make some positive changes, but by what you've written I can sense that you are getting to that point.

Keep posting here in the Dark Side. Know that people are reading what you have to say and paying attention to it. Don't feel like you are the only one to go through this kind of thing. I think just about everyone who uses drugs long enough eventually steps over to the Dark Side; I think it's inevitable.

Hang in there!
 
Yo man youre still really young dont worry about being an "addict" most of the people I know fall into this category. It does take time (1-3 months) but after that it will be so much better as long as you want it to be better.
 
OP, you're my age (I just turned 23) and I can definitely understand and relate to some degree. Non addicts don't realize that it's not just something that goes away...a friend and I had this discussion about mental illness yesterday actually. There are people who realize that it's a constant battle, and you can't just snap out of it. You should try going to talk to someone, are you enrolled inc ollege? They tend to have services for free, and often cheap health insurance. My dad is a coke head, I'm a stoner, and we're both benzo addicts. You need to talk to your mom, my mom died almost 3 yrs ago and I miss her every single day...you may hate her now, but when she's gone you'll feel guilty for that resentment. And, when you are at the end of your "teen angst" you are still kind of bitter about everything...that changes in time, I'm at the point where I'd rather spend holidays with family than friends.

About your weight, I'm 5'2 and currently at 120 I feel a little TOO thin...I fluctuate between 120-130 lbs, and I'm very happy at that. 116 for 5'4, unless you have a thin frame without curves, is a little too skinny. You sound like you are currently at a perfect weight!

I'm currently broke as all fuck and a graduate student, and can't seem to get a real job. We are still young, OP. Things will get better, you will be able to move out soon and take care of yourself. Yes, suicide is a fun idea to flirt with, but it's FINAL. There is no chance to get better after that, you only get one life. Keep your head up, and feel free to keep posting here in TDS. I know when I've felt alone and read through these posts, I was comforted by the fact that there were so many others out there struggling with different issues just like me, and many doing everything in their power to get better.

I hope that rant helped you get a few things off your chest, I know posting here has made me feel much better too.
 
It's hard to think like it when youre going through withdrawals but u must remember IT WILL PASS. It only takes time.

Seriously, see a doc if u can. If u can't u really need to talk to someone, if not ur family try a helpline. There's loads.

Otherwise u need to taper down from whatever your poison was rather than just go cold turkey.

However your life feels right now it will get better. You can win back what you've lost. Your brain is very malleable, it just takes time to get it back the way it was.

#1 thing is to occupy yourself. Read, write, watch movies, play games, get out, even take the dog for a walk (get one first if u dont have one) can be magic. The worst thing to do is sit there thinking about how bad things are, how worse they can get, and what you've done to get where you are. Lose those feelings, toss them away, they don't matter anymore. That was the old you.
 
I almost shed a tear reading this....being a former addict I was at a point where I was not only going insane but had depression every min of every day.

I promise if will get better....stop the drugs (which i know is WAY 2 hard) and concentrate on betting your self imagine. Get involved with other people.

Alrite im coming down hard and I cant take this anymore; please just keep looking up. I try to everyday, and im surprised im still here.
 
Codename:

I tried to kill myself once. I am very fucking glad that I failed in my attempt. In my mind, no life is worthless, and I don't think that any addict is a piece of shit. Addicts are people. You may be in a bad way right now, but it doesn't always have to be that way. Believe it or not, there are people who have had it worse than you that have managed to rise above all of the shit. I believe that you can do it.

Look at me: I am bipolar. At least you do not have a mental illness. Well, you said that you dealt with depression, but you didn't specify whether or not you meant clinical depression or just "regular" depression (such as being depressed because you are in a shitty situation or had a hard time growing up). One part of bipolar disorder is depression, so believe me, I know where you are coming from there.

I have felt so worthless before, many times, especially when my drug use spiraled out of control and I ended up in a mental institution two times in a row because I didn't want to give up the drugs. I lost everything that was important to me because of that. Somehow, I didn't give up. I managed to move ahead in life and stop using the drugs. Granted, I never got big into any drugs that had a physically addictive component or that would cause me to withdraw, but in my opinion a drug problem is a drug problem no matter what drug it is; anyone can go too far with any kind of drug. Just because something isn't physically addictive doesn't mean you can't fuck your shit up by using it.

Please try to have hope, even if you can only manage to have hope for one second out of each day. If you can do that, you are doing something positive. You are going to have to get to a point where you are seriously fucking pissed off and tired of your situation before you are able to make some positive changes, but by what you've written I can sense that you are getting to that point.

Keep posting here in the Dark Side. Know that people are reading what you have to say and paying attention to it. Don't feel like you are the only one to go through this kind of thing. I think just about everyone who uses drugs long enough eventually steps over to the Dark Side; I think it's inevitable.

Hang in there!

I had a very similar situation as DF, I was hospitalized in mental institutions 4 times in the span of 7 months with two suicide attempts. I felt like they were the only solution to my problems. I'm bipolar, but tend to stay mostly depressed. I was lucky enough that on my fourth hospitalization to go to McLean Hospital just outside of Cambridge, which is one of, if not, the best mental hospital in the country. I flirted with opiates and abused my benzos, but my last hospitalization finally got me the right medications and I'm finally kicking the bad habits and with the new meds I feel a lot better. Sometimes it takes a lot of hard work, and a lot of hard times to finally get it right, so keep that in mind and keep trying, because like its been said, suicide is final. There is no more solutions once you're dead. My advice is to keep trying new avenues and I'm sure somewhere down the line your coping skills and whatever else you need will overcome the pain you are feeling now. So, keep fighting and I'm positive there will be happier days and you will be able to live a normal life once again. I hope the best for you, and that you'll realize that good days lie in the future.
 
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