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I really hate being clean

evilthree

evilthree

Bluelighter
Joined
May 8, 2009
Messages
213
Location
Philly
I've been having trouble dealing with being clean and sober from everything. I'm on an intensive drug court program, and the daily stress of dealing with these people alone is too much to bear at times. I really just don't like the recovery scene, yet I'm kind of forced into it. They make you attend 12 step meetings and abstain from everything(alcohol included), following up with random tests. I never pictured myself being abstinent from everything, nor did I ever want to. I recently came out of county jail once again because I got high. I overdosed on heroin on my birthday after not having a habit for over a year. The sick part is, the overdose didn't bother me. The getting locked up bothered me worse than nearly dying and ending up in the hospital. As I write this, legal penalties and threats are really the only thing keeping me clean. I truly do not agree with probably 99% of what the courts say, or their philosophy of clean by any means, but I'm always afraid speaking my mind or sharing my beliefs will make them say I'm not "serious about my recovery" and lock me up for a good amount of time. I feel trapped, as I feel like once you're trapped up in the US justice system you either conform or you're locked away, and they always have ways to retrap you(probation, parole, etc)
 
Damn OP, you from st louis? Sounds like the drug court program im in lol. I feel you on the fear of being honest. My treatment counselor is awesome though. Hes a recovering addict and allows us to speak our mind and he himself doesnt completely agree with the way this program is ran. It gets better though. Find some cool sober people and things get better.
 
I am sorry to hear you are going through this. It can feel dehumanizing. Hang in there, dealt with it a bit myself <3
 
Try to look beyond the idiocy of the courts and the programs and whether or not you will abstain for everything for life or not and just take a good hard, honest look at yourself and your life. Is it where you want it to be inside? Are you comfortable with who you are and how you feel? You can't do anything about the legal hoops etc but you can do simple things like find a particular meeting that is a better fit for you. Maybe you are not yet ready to give up getting high, but then again, maybe you just want to heal at a deeper level. What about finding other kinds of support while you have to do this--like free meditation groups, online SMART recovery groups (non-12 step).

Hang in there. I used to go to drug court with my son all the time. It is a sad, sad farce.<3
 
Work out man or find some sort of hobby to "geek" out on and focus on that. Replace it as a new addiction. Working out worked for me because it's like you get buff and healthy and the girls love it and you're strong and confident in yourself and then you start eating healthy and that is osmething you can focus on too and becomes another hobby.. then you start cooking (another plus with the ladies) and that's another hobby... you get what I'm saying? Don't go back to the drug life style, it's wretched...
 
I hate being clean. I at least need something to look forward to do everyday. And the longer you go "without any mind or mood altering substance," it only gets progressively worse. That's why sometimes in NA meetings, the speaker will say, "Fake it till you make it!" She might as well have said, "Put on your fake happy faces, children, it's almost time to go be a productive, sober wage slave for The Man!"
 
Trust me when i say you are not the only one my friend.

I have come to the conclusion that I'll never have years or even months of true sobriety. I dont count suboxone as fully clean. (Not starting a fight or debate just my personal opinion and im all for people using the medication)

Drugs will literally kill me or drive my life into an abyss even more so then it has already (if possible) and honestly im ok with it. ( i think)
Dont get me wrong i wish so much i could be the clean role model for my siblings like i was 5 years ago. But addiction is a bitch. I work hard and will never steal from them again as im fighting to fix broken bonds.

For the last 6 months i use sub during the week and any drugs on the weekend. Eventually this will have to stop i figure but i just got a lot going on right now. Not going to bore anyone here but i want you to know you are not alone and i fight the daily, good vs bad as hard as you. Its a constant fight and its draining and i wish my family knew and understood more about addiction. No excuses though if you need someone to vent to shoot me a pm.
 
I personally see this as the biggest and most massive problem associated with forced recovery through the threat of the legal system. Nobody engaging like that is serious about anything about their recovery and why should they be? They haven't accepted that anything about it is seriously messing them up and damn if at least 25-30% aren't there for menial marijuana convictions in states where it isn't yet legal anyway. I basically believe that the court system can go and totally bend itself over the table to have it's entrails ripped out its ass with a large hook, but that's just me. 20 months clean, here but it was by my own personal choice for my own life path and that's the only reason it continues working for me?
 
My philosophy is just send me to jail and get it over with. I'm not gonna get up early to go see some dickhead and piss in a jar then pay for the experience. Just send me to jail. That route is less expensive and you don't have to stay off drugs.
 
evilthree said:
I've been having trouble dealing with being clean and sober from everything. I'm on an intensive drug court program, and the daily stress of dealing with these people alone is too much to bear at times. I really just don't like the recovery scene, yet I'm kind of forced into it. They make you attend 12 step meetings and abstain from everything(alcohol included), following up with random tests. I never pictured myself being abstinent from everything, nor did I ever want to. I recently came out of county jail once again because I got high. I overdosed on heroin on my birthday after not having a habit for over a year. The sick part is, the overdose didn't bother me. The getting locked up bothered me worse than nearly dying and ending up in the hospital. As I write this, legal penalties and threats are really the only thing keeping me clean. I truly do not agree with probably 99% of what the courts say, or their philosophy of clean by any means, but I'm always afraid speaking my mind or sharing my beliefs will make them say I'm not "serious about my recovery" and lock me up for a good amount of time. I feel trapped, as I feel like once you're trapped up in the US justice system you either conform or you're locked away, and they always have ways to retrap you(probation, parole, etc)
Click to expand...

I´m sorry you are going through this. In my opinion, you can only be clean once if comes from your guts. Not because someone is demanding you to do it.
I´m trying very hard to stay sober and I don´t like it at all. I have cravings all the time. I think my body does not produce endorphin anymore, or not enough. However, that is because I really wanted to be free from any opiates or drugs whatsoever.
If you are doing this because of a third party, or a legal demand. Try to see if that suits you or try to picture your life being free. You managed to do it for quite sometime, so you know what you are capable of.
Do it for yourself!
Wish you good luck!!
 
88James said:
My philosophy is just send me to jail and get it over with. I'm not gonna get up early to go see some dickhead and piss in a jar then pay for the experience. Just send me to jail. That route is less expensive and you don't have to stay off drugs.
Click to expand...

That was my attitude last time I got busted. For me probation is just jail delayed and drawn out.
 
Court ordered rehabilitation can really go wrong. Ime I partied hard as a result thinking I would clean my act once the piss tests started. I ended up going way past my limit and doing all crazy sorts just to keep living the way I was. In the beginning they were not on their shit and I got away with a bunch of months not having to do shit. My apartment looked like a drug den back then and after one weekend I awoke to the po calling me...asking for directions. Thank god their was no gps. There was at least a case worth of empty whipits, bottles everywhere. They got all lost and I had the place almost together when the po called and just said, "I'm late as it is can you just come outside and sign a paper?". Not long after that I was getting piss tested and that put me in the same head space thinking once they got you, they own you.
I somehow skated along through it and completed it. I never want to be in that position again, even though I wouldn't have a problems passing a test now. But I agree the law has no place in recovery. Because even if you're not in major trouble you can get yourself in way more trouble by faking a piss test, than your original charge. I look back and think damn I did all that for nothing but I was able to straighten myself out, on my terms. Something I wasn't going to let them dictate to me. All the stress and pressure messed me up for a while.
 
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