I no longer fear death... but I do fear dying without having made a difference...

[Lightning-Nl]

This scene in 'The Dark Knight Rises' put into words something that I could never explain to anyone who hasn't experienced it themselves.

As someone who had to experience an incredibly traumatizing childhood - Bruce Wayne, and Blake are both people that I wholeheartedly understand. This scene put into words what I never could.
"Not a lot of people know what it feels like... to be angry... in your bones. I mean, they 'understand' " He's right. Everyone 'understands'... for a while. But after you've been emotionally broken for long... people just expect you to move and act like it never happened. And as Blake says '..and then they expect the angry little kid to do something he knows he can't do... move on..."

People don't understand that you can never move on. You will never be able to put it behind you... and just like Blake - I also learned too late that the anger never goes away, and that you have to hide it behind 'a mask'.
And what Blake say's about "practice smiling in the mirror' is something that I exactly did... for years. But I never could get my 'mask' on right - people could alway see through my 'smile' and still see that angry and hurt little kid... I eventually got the mask on right. But like Batman... There are times when that angry and hurt little kid has to 'take off his mask' and show the world that he's not afraid anymore, but he's still angry and still hurting...

For instance - I was at a movie theatre several months ago. There were two guys in front of me, one way more buff than the guy in front of him. When the guy in front got to the front of the line - the guy behind him... the 'tough' guy butted right in front of him. The first guy got angry and told him to move back but the buff guy wouldn't. Then it was like the buff guy snapped and he tackled the innocent bystander to the ground and punched the crap out of him. Seeing innocent violence brings out that anger in me. I no longer fear getting hurt or dying. All I care about anymore is stopping the evil that traumatized me when I was a child and making sure that innocent people don't have to experience evil, even if that means my life.

So I ran up behind this buff guy who thought he's tough, and just started hitting him. He turned his attention to me, and I tackled him to ground.
I never understood Batman until that moment. He's not fighting the evil in front of him, he's fighting the evil that he experienced as a child. And in that moment, as I was fighting this asshole - knowing that he was stronger than me, I held nothing back. Because in my mind, he was just as evil as the perverts that (I believe) forced me to be their sex slave as child. (I have recovered repressed memories that highly suggest this happened)

I saw all of that... just running through my head... it made me so angry... all those years of this festering anger, hatred and rage building up inside of me and in this one moment, I was finally fighting the evil... defending this innocent man... from the filth and scum of the world.

And in that moment I realized that my true self was 'Batman' and the person that I 'normally' am was actually my mask... I no longer fear death... But I fear dying without helping someone else in the process. And I'm not sure what to do with that feeling.

 

[T. Calderone]

What other things do you think you could do in your spare time? I used to volunteer at a homeless shelter. Organizations like Meals on Wheels are always looking for people to help or check into the Humane Society in your area.

I recently moved to a new town so I'm looking to do the same - making a difference in someone's life through volunteering. I also started seeing a therapist every week and that's helped me a lot. I never realized how much anger and resentment I've been carrying around all these years. Just talking about it with someone can be very liberating.

 

[sailor bugg]

I don't fear death…. but that's because I've been pronounced clinically dead a few times and somehow I just keep managing to keep pulling out of those situations. I don't remember anything from when I OD until I'm revived so really what's there to be scared of? Death is just nothing, you don't even realize it. Mind you this hasn't made me more reckless, in fact I'm much more careful now, I've stopped doing opiates for the most part and if I do them I snort them. And I stay away from all other drugs.

 

[herbavore]

Swampfox, it is possible to "move on" just not in the way that people normally present it. You are always going to be influenced by that horrific past but you do have a choice how you will let it live inside you. You have every right to be hurt and angry and I think sometimes that we expect people to "move on" when what they really need is to go right down into it, in a safe setting with guidance, for as long as it takes to undo all the screws that adhere those experiences like scar tissue to our deepest selves. I think that you have a lot of insight and empowerment contained in your post and that you are healing through insight and compassion.

I met a man at a very intense group led by Gabor Mate that had similar incomprehensible experiences of childhood sexual abuse. He was literally pimped by his own mother. This man, in an effort to heal, had actually become a psychologist working with sexual predators. He felt the need to understand why and how anyone could become this monstrous. I left the group at the end of the day absolutely blown away that someone could take that experience and do what he did with his life. He was an older man--perhaps nearing 70-- and when he spoke of his childhood he still cried. When he spoke of his work and his 'patients' he said: what I found was that I was working with many people that had stories as horrific as my own. I wish I had gotten that man's name to give to you. I think you are right that those of us that grew up with safety as a given in our childhoods cannot really understand what it must be like to have grown up without it. All I can say is that I admire your searching, your transparency and your courage. Our species can inflict horrible damage but we also have the most amazing capacity to heal and transcend that damage with insight and enhanced compassion.

 

[Lightning-Nl]

do you really have to hide your anger and your fear?

In order to heal... yes. Unfortunately, society is what forces people who have this terrifying past to cover-up their emotions. Because people see public displays of anger, and emotional turmoil as... well I believe people find it offensive. Because all they see is someone who lacks emotional control. And in a sense that's right... but they're right, for the wrong reasons. While I'm wrong, for the right reasons.

For the past several years, I've tried every way I could to hide my anger, my shame, my guilt, my sadness, and my hatred from anyone by simply just isolating myself from society. But then I soon realized... I couldn't accept that. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to have a life beyond the pain and suffering held within me... held back simply by just not showing myself to the world. But you can't make friends with anyone if you have no self-worth yourself. And for a couple years now, I've tried and failed many times to makes friends, get a girlfriend... but it just wasn't possible.

And it wasn't possible, not because it couldn't be done, but because even I didn't believe that I had the strength within myself to believe that I could do anything. This was, by far, the lowest point in my life. Realizing that no one believed in me... including myself. I went into a horrible depression that I couldn't escape from... that I thought I could never escape from. Again, because I knew that even I didn't believe in myself - so how could anyone else? So I turned to drugs.

Drugs are able to fake anything. Amphetamine was great for hiding my lack of self-worth... but even then... I still knew it wasn't there, and this lie that I developed around Amphetamine as a means of my only outlet of self-esteem became so overwhelmingly anxiogenic that I couldn't take it. I just... burned out. Anxiety then started running my life. Everything I did, every thing I was... was control by my anxiety. Everything became a panic attack. And not because of the stimulants - but because I knew that I couldn't fix anything - how could I? When even I didn't believe in myself...

Eventually I was prescribed Benzo's and... all that went away... I could finally sleep. Finally go a day without punching through my walls and breaking things due to my overwhelming anxiety and anger... but again, just like any vice... it only works until it's gone. So I needed more. More Ativan, more Adderall, I needed more! God-dammit! Where are my fucking drugs?! I can't live without them! I NEEED THEM!...

Thankfully, before I fell into the pit of drug addiction... I realized that all Xanax in the world, couldn't change the fact that I was still hurting inside.

(to be continued)

 

[Lightning-Nl]

I was unable to continue my post above... writing that burned me out.

But I'd very much like more advice, so I'll give an update - I've been going through DBT, which has been helping me immensely. I've also changed around my house, and daily routine in order to try to change my life-style. At this point in time, I've been gaining a lot of self-esteem. I'm going to be at 1AM instead 8AM, I'm getting up by 11AM everyday. I've also been getting out. So far, I'm only going to garage sales. I've started collecting vintage video games, and various other electronics and I've actually started talking to people again!

I'm not abuse my meds, and for the first time ever - I've been at a stable dose for 2 months now. No med change-ups, I'm taking them on-time, I'm sleeping. I feel good! But I really... REALLY, desperately want to take it one step further. I want friends. Specifically, I really want a girlfriend. But I still lack the self-esteem to start a conversation with a girl...

I don't know how to proceed, so any advice at all would be appreciated much more than you know. Thank you everyone. I love you all <

 

[bcfly7x7]

This is in my wheelhouse swamp, dont think about wanting a girlfriend when taking to a girl. Just approach her and say hi, then the hardest part is over. Now all you have to do is find ONE topic you can both relate to. I.e. dogs, movies, family. Once you find that common thread, SHUT IT, AND LISTEN. You'll learn more and have more to talk about. Believe me, she will love to talk and respects a man that listens. What is the one thing that most people like to talk about? THEMSELVES, let her. Be confident and look at her eyes. Most importantly be your self. Girls have a knack for spotting a fraudster. If it doesnt work, there are still 4 billion to chose from.

As far as making a difference, I love to pay it forward, ill leave an extra 10 at a toll booth for other drivers. Help jump a persons car that needs it, but the biggest difference you can make is with those close to you, seeing their happiness as a direct result of your actions is incredible.

Hope this helps, also I dont claim and never claimed to be "Hitch".....lol.

My best,

Bob

 

[njirem]

I can relate to your feelings, and your story, i feel sorry for you being so mistreated in your childhood, i know how it leaves a big mark, the shame, the anger, the sadness, the anxiety, the depression.

My entire childhood i have been abused, mistreaten, manipulated, beaten, bullied and excluded.
It left my with GAD and PTSD, along with addiction and suicidal depressions.
I KNOW how it feels to go berzerk and project all the negative things from the past on current people or situtions.
I THOUGHT i wouldnt be able to overcome, but i did...

Im in the final stage of mourning, i am accepting not only the past, but i am accepting ME.

The pain will never heal, never ever, but i do realise now i can move forward and make something of my life.
I am the only one that can keep the past alive, as i am the only one that can close the book and start writing my own, a book i dictate and create.

Im up for a study as an experience expert on mental illnes and addiction, so i can make the best out the worst youngsters can go through.
The only right thing to do is use my experiences so maybe i can help kids to get out the negative spiral they are in.

I am volunteering helping disabled or sick people with the care of their animals while they are in hospital or in some other way cant do.
Animals make me feel so extremely comfortable and in peace.

Making the best out of the worst has become my own personal mission, and i will follow through with it until i can die with a peace of mind.



I wish you all the best and i hope you find your inner strenght to move forward.