I Never Planned On Living This Long

[ThePharmacist4925]

On monday I will be checking into the Menninger Clinic (Top 5 Psychiatric Hospital) for the second time. The last time was in December 2012 and I was physically dependent on alcohol. This time I'm sober, but I'm taking 9 medications that are having severe side effects on my. My triglycerides are far too high and rising quickly, according to the doc I will soon be at risk for diabetes if I do not change my medications. My teeth are falling apart slowly, I've had 9 root canals and no doubt there will be more. I'm 205lbs now and recently I've been getting acne. I have close to no sex drive, not like the meds I'm on would allow me to finish the job anyway. I can't feel part of my left calf, I stepped on something this winter and it's been that way ever since. I have severe mental health issue and often times wish that I would just die in an accident so my family could have the peace of mind that I didn't take my own life. So you get the picture that I'm having a hard time, let me tell you some things that will be interesting to compare and contrast with what I told you so far.

I'm a future millionaire, I will inherit a great deal of money at some point. All my (unborn) children and their children have private schooling and college payed for including master's or doctorate programs. I live in a 7500 sq. ft. home and drive a luxury car. I have German Shepherd and she's wonderful. I'm wearing a $450 pair of corduroys. I have enough neckties to hang my local police force salem witch style, and on average they cost $200 a pop. Not to mention my shoes average $350 a pair and I've got 25 pairs now. I think you are beginning to get the point, I have $100,000 sound system built into the house, all the speakers are hidden under special dry wall that lets 95% off the sound through. I stayed at a hotel with a sky garden smoking area. They dedicated an entire floor to smoking cigs and put in a nice garden, but the view of the city was still stunning. I'm going to inherit a house in either florida or Utah as well, either way it'll be big and comfy with custom furniture.

So why oh why do I always finding myself wanting to die. I mean today I want to live, but yesterday I didn't. I'm on 9 medications so maybe I don't feel anything at all, but why do I spend so many days in deep thought about wanting to die. I won't kill myself, I won't ever do it, I can't do that to my family. I have a younger brother and sister whom I love so much, but soon they will grow older and move on with their lives. My bro is already a junior in college and my sister a sophomore in high school. I don't want to be left alone living with my parents because I'm a pathetic psychiatric patient that could never figure his life out. I'm tired of feeling sick and tired.

There was a time in my life when things were looking up, but everything dissolved since then. The two people that knew me are now starting their own lives and I'm basically all alone. I'm on trajectory to be alone with my critical parents until they die and I inherit a shit ton of money. I hate this fucking trajectory. I want to accomplish something, I want to be happy, I want to feel loved, I want to have friends, I want to be a real person, I want to have a clear mind.

Godammit, I'm so over medicated. How do become a real person again? I'm sorry for ranting but I hate life being this way, and I want to be functional. I have everything but, I feel like nothing. Why, I just want to want to live.

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

Any advice pertaining to how you derive meaning from things and how you navigate the modern world would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Ignot]

What medications are you on? Have you stayed off the alcohol? I remember you mentioning one of your brothers was a chemical engineer, right?

I'm losing all my teeth as well, and I'm about to approach my late twenties. I have not been addicted to anything illegal in almost three years.

Your in difficult spot because you have all this nice clothes, nice house, a luxury car...Be honest with your psychiatrist/doctor and ask yourself if you have been doing anything like Work/School? If you have a nice as fuck car, disposable income, and these bad-ass shoes, it's going to be a motherfucker to get off 9 medications, work 40 hours a week, and go to college

get off any anti-depressants or any anti-psychotics if you don't really need them, those meds almost drove me insane. I also had to say goodbye to my Kpins and shit. The only medication I have been able to live a decent/functioning life is my ADHD meds. My girlfriend dispenses them for me, like a baby, but hey, it works. I would ask a doctor in the hospital, in which order to get off the meds

I wish you the best of luck in the hospital, lord knows I have spent a full two years of my life between Jail/Rehab. It has helped a lot. Mostly with staying off benzo'z

I can relate, because I grew up in a upper middle class home with my single mom. and my father was a millionaire. But that's another story.

You gotta be grateful that your driving up and down the hills of Jersey with a nice ass car, next to the korean in a STi at the red light.

Take advantage of that shit. Get your libido back and save up money so you can go out on dates and shit.

 

[Ignot]

This thread really hits home for me, you know I remember living with my rich father when I was 21. He got me addicted to cocaine, and manipulated me in very strange ways. I remember telling him "I want help, I want to go back and live with Mom" "I cannot handle life knowing you have a gram or two of cocaine for me everyday"

It was stressful as fuck knowing that I either:
1. Go to inpatient rehab and then be accepted back into my mothers home.
2. Stay with my father, and have my heart explode.

I was paranoid, fat, suicidal, I could not think straight at all, I was spun out on a daily dose of a gram of Crack. I finally remember calling my mother after drinking a few beers and popping a Xanax, and telling her the whole story. She said "Don't worry, I will get you out of there" two months later, A cop came to the house in the middle of the day, and I was summoned to court:
I was given two options:
1. Go to Jail for 30 days
2. Go to Rehab for 60 days.

I went to Rehab, and I never went to see my Father again.

It's weird, you know... Sometimes Inpatient detox is the only answer.

Anyone willing to turn themselves in to the hands of Inpatient rehab, is a person ready for change.

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

Vyvanse, Modafinil, Zoloft, Seroquel, Litium, Intuniv, Propranolol, Depakote, Gabapentin. Yes, my only brother is a chemical engineer. I've been sober for a little over a year. I have the luxury of taking as much time as I need to get psych help. I'm currently set to enter The Menninger Clinic on monday in order to get off as many meds as possible in a safe environment where I can be comfortable. After that I'm set to spend as much time as I need at The Austen Riggs Center in order to explore my mental condition with the best psychotherapists available. I'm very grateful for everything I have and I always try to give back to the community as much as possible.I will have spent 3 years of my life between rehabs and psychiatric facilities by the time this is done. I mean there are decent odds that this will turn out alright.

I guess as a child... growing up I didn't plan on living past 18 or maybe college. Then I met a girl and I dreamed up a life for us, nothing fancy, a simple life with a small house near to beach outside of Los Angeles. We dated for 7 years and I broke it off after she said some cruel things. Then I tried to die by a slow drowning in alcohol. My mother stopped me close to the point of no return. I detoxed and returned home to find that I had left a bottle on my shelf, so it started again and when my mother stepped in I said sure I'm clean off alcohol and called my old pill dealer. Opiates till I dropped, but I survived and ended up in treatment. I did the treatment thing till they weren't looking and started a cycle that worked. Eventually they looked and realized that I drank half a bottle every other night. Off to rehab, it was a good experience until it wasn't anymore. I moved home but stayed clean, my father kept asking me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I couldn't think of an answer, nothing, not even a lie. Then he asked if I wanted to get my meds fixed and I said yes. As the hospitalization has approached I've grown emotional about the fact that I don't know what I want to do with my life because I don't want to do anything with my life. I'd rather just die, but my family is dying for me to want to live. There were 4 suicides in my father's family (immediate & extended) when he was growing up including his elder female cousin, his younger brother, and paternal uncle. I think I got those genes. I want to feel free of this cloud that has followed me since I was young, I want to want to live so that my family doesn't have to carry the burden of wanting me to live for me. If I had a person to live for, then it'd be easy, but I don't and in truth living for myself just seems like a waste. The idea that I work my ass off so I have time watch a little TV on the weekend seems stupid. I'd rather be free of this world, but I will stay for my family. As long as I stay for them, they'll be the ones desiring for me to live, while I wish for freedom from this world. There's something wrong with me I think, but unless these expensive doctors can fix me the cycle will be as described. it would be nice to be free.

 

[Ignot]

Vyvanse, Modafinil, Zoloft, Seroquel, Litium, Intuniv, Propranolol, Depakote, Gabapentin. Yes, my only brother is a chemical engineer. I've been sober for a little over a year. I have the luxury of taking as much time as I need to get psych help. I'm currently set to enter The Menninger Clinic on monday in order to get off as many meds as possible in a safe environment where I can be comfortable. After that I'm set to spend as much time as I need at The Austen Riggs Center in order to explore my mental condition with the best psychotherapists available. I'm very grateful for everything I have and I always try to give back to the community as much as possible.I will have spent 3 years of my life between rehabs and psychiatric facilities by the time this is done. I mean there are decent odds that this will turn out alright.

I guess as a child... growing up I didn't plan on living past 18 or maybe college. Then I met a girl and I dreamed up a life for us, nothing fancy, a simple life with a small house near to beach outside of Los Angeles. We dated for 7 years and I broke it off after she said some cruel things. Then I tried to die by a slow drowning in alcohol. My mother stopped me close to the point of no return. I detoxed and returned home to find that I had left a bottle on my shelf, so it started again and when my mother stepped in I said sure I'm clean off alcohol and called my old pill dealer. Opiates till I dropped, but I survived and ended up in treatment. I did the treatment thing till they weren't looking and started a cycle that worked. Eventually they looked and realized that I drank half a bottle every other night. Off to rehab, it was a good experience until it wasn't anymore. I moved home but stayed clean, my father kept asking me to figure out what I wanted to do with my life, I couldn't think of an answer, nothing, not even a lie. Then he asked if I wanted to get my meds fixed and I said yes. As the hospitalization has approached I've grown emotional about the fact that I don't know what I want to do with my life because I don't want to do anything with my life. I'd rather just die, but my family is dying for me to want to live. There were 4 suicides in my father's family (immediate & extended) when he was growing up including his elder female cousin, his younger brother, and paternal uncle. I think I got those genes. I want to feel free of this cloud that has followed me since I was young, I want to want to live so that my family doesn't have to carry the burden of wanting me to live for me. If I had a person to live for, then it'd be easy, but I don't and in truth living for myself just seems like a waste. The idea that I work my ass off so I have time watch a little TV on the weekend seems stupid. I'd rather be free of this world, but I will stay for my family. As long as I stay for them, they'll be the ones desiring for me to live, while I wish for freedom from this world. There's something wrong with me I think, but unless these expensive doctors can fix me the cycle will be as described. it would be nice to be free.

This is the sad reality of life, Working 40 hours a week;only leaves enough time to sit down and spend a few hours watching a TV series or browsing on the web/Playing video games.

Let me tell you something: Save the Vyvanse script if you can do it, take a nice recreational dose on the weekends, avoid daily usage. I SWEAR TO GOD, I KNEW YOU were on anti-epilepsy med, I had a gut-feeling. That zoloft has you on "Neutral" mode. This is just my opinion.

Seroquel causes massive amounts of "Morning lethargy" Lithium? Jesus christ. And then you are on a booty-ass beta blocker, SMH. Yuck. Fuck man, Besides the Vyvanse your on a bunch of nasty shit that causes Lethargy and depression, and MOST OF ALL "COMPLACENCY" Gabapentin reminds me of someone using trazadone to replace ambien, yuck.

Besides the Vyvanse, your on a nasty a fucking cocktail of drugs. This is just my opinion. I wish you the best bro, your posts that I have read have always been full of wisdom.

I think your going to be okay, bro. But listen to this advice: If you wish to have some sort of "Recreational dose" of a drug once a month or so, I reccomend holding onto a chilling ADHD medication. It worked for me

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

I understand. I requested this medication detox and psychotherapy vacation. I want to want to live. I'm hoping that the world class psychotherapy will help me move in that direction. I want to be put on medications that actually help me. I don't want to have a torrential cyclone of the heaviest medications available come my way. I don't want to be numb or dumb or overweight. I want be able to feel the weather outside. I don't want to want to die or be dead anymore. I want to have friends. I want to be stable. I always say "hope is a dangerous thing so I don't fuck with it." I want to have real hope. I want to be able to cry. I want to not hate myself. I want to feel free as the wind must feel. I want to find love again someday, no rush because when I find it I want it to be the real deal. I want to see those I love grow and prosper. I'm exhausted of fading in and out, I want to remain grounded in the life where I actually belong for once. You get it.

 

[Ignot]

Just pointed a rsponse ^ In case you miss it

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

For whatever reason I'm never tempted to abuse stimulants, I don't really like em' I guess, but I deal with them because they help me get shit done.

You've been so kind to me by responding to my desperate cry for attention, I'm grateful for you.

 

[Ignot]

Hunter X hunter! Man, I just read this shit, and it really hits home, Being prescribed a SSRI on top of a ANTI-PSYCHOTIC and a fucking ANTI-EPILEPSY. I was on the same fucking cocktail, except my phychiatrist gave me Clonazepam/Temazepam script on top of this other shit. This was when I was 20. I remember gaining so much weight on this cocktail.

SSRI+ANTI-PSYCHOTIC+ANTI-EPILEPSY is a common combo of drugs psychiatrist use.

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

I'm so glad you caught the Hunter x Hunter thing, it's such a beautiful story.

You should enjoy the little detours to the fullest, because that is where you'll find the things more important than the things that you want.

Yeah I know all about psychiatric trend in the United States. I've read all the clinical manuals that explain exactly how to treat a patient and what type of drug to prescribe and when to prescribe it. Those bastards do this to everyone, but at least I can afford the most expensive treatment in the world to undo the damage. Think of all the people with my predicament who are lower middle class and can barely afford their medication. Going cold turkey off some of this shit is lethal and detoxing off SSRIs and atypical antipsychotics is hell on earth, even alcohol doesn't numb the worst of that pain. I want my brain back and then I want to help all the people trapped on too many medications, especially the people who have been conned into using the most expensive name brand stuff that is even less effective than the older ones that have gone generic. I want to free people from slavery to Big Pharma. I want to find a way to give people good therapy using technology. I pray that we all can be free of this medication just enough to feel the love of mother nature by breathing in the fresh air. I pray for a future full of fresh clean air.

 

[Colonel Contin]

I don't know what I want to do with my life because I don't want to do anything with my life.

I want to help all the people trapped on too many medications, especially the people who have been conned into using the most expensive name brand stuff that is even less effective than the older ones that have gone generic. I want to free people from slavery to Big Pharma. I want to find a way to give people good therapy using technology.

Spend some time thinking about how you could make this your purpose. It obviously brings out some passion in you.

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

You are right, having lived this, I should know best how trapped a person can feel. There's gotta be a way to give people access to great psychotherapy at low to no cost using all this technology. I hate that much of this technology is actually making humanity sicker, but there is probably a way to reverse that. The last thing I'd want to become is an anti-medication propaganda machine. That isn't what this is about, this is about giving people access to psychotherapy that works. On the other hand good psychotherapy is more effective than medication and if people can try that at no cost before they resort to medication then some people might be able to be saved. Idk how to do this yet, but where there is a will, there is a way. Thanks for pointing that out Colonel Contin.