I need to get off heroin before I lose everything.

[opi8]

Ok, so I've been stuck on heroin for the majority of the year. I had a nice house, profitable business, a beautiful family, a few good friends, and I'm about to lose it all.

I was clean from opiates for a month or so after an at home naltrexone detox on new years day. After relapsing, I've been shooting 1 to 2 grams a day for over 6 months, more when I've just picked up. I have lost all the equity on my home, my business has deteriorated to the point of being no longer being profitable (I'm the sole provider of a family of 4), I've got myself into a 6 figure debt to my father (who doesn't know about my addiction, at least the extent of it) who now has nothing left to give, and the shit has hit the fan. I am about to lose my home, my business, my family, friends, future options and often, I think about losing my life.

My current supply won't last another day and I want to succeed in getting off this time. This is the time I usually get some more, but I want it to end now.

I don't even know why I'm posting this here. <snip> I really need to get off this shit and I have nowhere else to turn. I know that's sad in itself.

Can anyone here help me get rid of this evil fucking demon-monkey once and for all? Advice, encouragement, a kick up the ass or anything else you think might work would be appreciated.

 

[badfish45]

Advice is only you can do that. You need to find it in you to REALLY want to quit, and now is the time because it seems you realize that you have to. First off, you can't expect to get off of it your first time, second time, etc, it's all a game and when you fall you need to know how to get back up. Best wishes :D

 

[canaan]

You have to be motivated to quit if you don't want to quit 100% then your fucked, No matter whats on the line or how much support you have you gotta want it.

 

[LilbabiC]

You have to be strong but, don't be afraid to ask for help. First, tell your father the extent of your sickness. Ask anyone that you know (who is clean) to help you. When I stopped using H, I told everyone who would listen that I want to be clean. One time I was on the verge of relapse and no one was around to support me so, I went and asked some strangers on the street for help. You have to be willing to do whatever it takes to slay the dragon. I lost alot to my addiction but, I've been clean for four years now and I have it all back and much more. Good luck.

 

[herbavore]

LilbabiC, that is really inspiring--especially the part about asking strangers on the street---that is determination!

Opi8, that is the level of determination you need. The determination itself can give you the strength to tough it out. I know that it is hard to believe in yourself when everything around you is failing--family, business, home etc.--but focus on each hour of success that you have staying clean once you have committed. The only way you can hope to get everything back in order in your life is by taking small steps to get clean, hour by hour, day by day.

 

[tackyspiral]

You have to be motivated to quit if you don't want to quit 100% then your fucked, No matter whats on the line or how much support you have you gotta want it.

this statement completely terrifies me...
luckily i do not have access to H right now but i wont lie i want it crazy bad
i always get to the point where i truly want to stop but then after a day a week a month or a year i lose that feeling i am caught in an endless fucked cycle and i will be so dead before i really want it 100 percent
and i really dont like NA personally

 

[Doomed2pain]

I'm sorry to hear about that, I feel for you I really do.

You need to get on some form of maintenance and counselling whether it be group or one to one. My sister has been an addict for over 15 years and had to deal with it from the age of 12 and keep it secret from our parents.

I myself am currently on a tonne of meds for pain and mental health so I know you're struggle, I am physically dependent, but as I feel no euphoria and it hard touches my pain, I don't really have the psychological addiction,i do not abuse my meds.

My sister is now on maintenance and is earning great money, she has worked hard for the past 7 years but Christ I have seen her and her ex at their all time lows, doing illegal stuff to fund it, no food, no gas for heating etc. And it breaks my heart to see people suffer like that.

It can be done, you just need the appropriate support and if you're not already on anything for your mental health, that could make a big difference when going into recovery. Set yourself achievable goals, light exercise or maybe something like Tai chi would be perfect as it helps with meditation, discipline and endorphin release. Any martial arts really but the meditation aspect of tai chi would hugely. Benefit you.

I hope you pull through it, you are strong enough. Just try not beat yourself up too much as that will only worsen matters.

Love and hope to you

 

[Missykins]

this statement completely terrifies me...
luckily i do not have access to H right now but i wont lie i want it crazy bad
i always get to the point where i truly want to stop but then after a day a week a month or a year i lose that feeling i am caught in an endless fucked cycle and i will be so dead before i really want it 100 percent
and i really dont like NA personally

No heroin addict who wants to find a reason to continue using junk is going to "like" Narcotics Anonynmous. I'm sure I'm going to get flamed for saying this because there are so many 12 Step haters on Bluelight but you BELONG in NA, all day, every day. <Please remember which forum you're in and adjust your tone accordingly. This is The Dark Side and such argumentative and aggressive posts are not appropriate. I understand the point you're trying to get across but please choose your words a bit more tactfully and sensitively. Thanks - n3o> You are not going to be able to get clean on your own.

 

[g0d00]

Man listen to yourself!

You know what you need to do, now do it. I know shit is hard. But after every dark night there's a bright day. So no matter how hard it gets, stick your chest out and handle it.

You sound like your heart is in the right place. It's a bitch I know it.

 

[Doomed2pain]

^rubbish where are your "success" NA stats like other treatments have to provide, "i see it at meetings dont count".
Most other studies show on your own " spontaneous remission" is the most sucessful of all. some people just pack up and call it a day

Exactly my sister and my ex couldn't be doing with na, aa etc as they couldn't deal with other people's horror stories and it made them worse. Everyone is different.

 

[skinnylegz]

Have you considered going on Methadone? If you're really not ready to let go of the feeling opiates give you, methadone might be a good choice, at least for now. You can get on methadone and use the time on methadone to get your family life and finances in order.

People refer to methadone as "liquid handcuffs," but I think it is great. I am personally on methadone and I could not get clean any other way and I tried EVERYTHING before settling down on methadone. If you have access to a clinic in your area, I'd suggest giving it a shot.

 

[Sepher]

^Let's not turn it into an NA believer versus disbelievers thread, eh? We can all present stats, and we can all 'share' our experiences of 12 Step programs, but not sure that's very productive right now? Missykins, Donnie, start another thread if you wanna get into it, I'll follow in a bit with my own thoughts. This is not the the thread to do it in.

Now back on topic . . .

Opi8, where you at? LilbabiC's advice is wise. Tell someone close to you and ask for help. We'll help on here best we can, but words on a screen don't amount to the same as help in real life. Practical head on : You still been shooting grams a day right up to now? You got anything in the way of help re: rapid detox? You doing this absolutely cold?

Regardless, just tough it out. Lots of us have been there, done that, and we've beat it. No reason why you can't beat it too. Takes an enormous effort of will, but that's all. If you're determined to beat it, you'll beat it.

Best of luck.

N x

 

[opi8]

^ I'm from Australia. I caved and scored again. My brother knows, but he's in the same position as me, which is probably because of me. We both say we're going to quit, then one of us will either score, or get the idea, and then we're both back on the H train.

I am seeing a psychotherapist, but this is for issues relating to anxiety, I'm not very comfortable discussing my drug use with this person. In fact, I'm not comfortable with talking about anything personal at all to most people. I don't think seeing a different pysch would help.

In order to help I have saved up some suboxone, clonidine and loperamide and I'm prescribed diazepam for GAD. I have the tools necessary, but that first day of being sick is when I cave in, every time. I've got off much smaller habits cold turkey, with suboxone tapers and even rapid detox with naltrexone once before (and never again), but I've never stayed clean more than a month.

I don't want to go on opiate maintenance, but I am starting to feel it may be the only way. It's like there's two versions of myself. One is desparate to quit, no matter how hard it is as I know it needs to be done and I can't sustain this lifestyle. The other is desparate to score at any cost and is filled with the worse fear imaginable about not having the comfort that opiates provide me.

Thanks for your responses everyone. I know, this is just something I have to do and there's no easy way, I just have to suffer through it and get it done.

 

[Doomed2pain]

Well said my ex is clean off everything and he kept replacing his addictions with other substances. He even knows what meds I take, he and my son went to his Cousin's christening party and he stayed on soft drinks. He works full time, see's his son every day now and is happy in a long term relationship. He put me through hell and we are getting to be really good friends again, he has made an amazing recovery.

My sister is on maintenance but is happy, successful and in a brilliant relationship with someone who is even more successful. She just can't get time off work to go through detox, so is on reduction steadily and slowly.

They both had equally long addictions of 15+ years to any drug they could get their hand's on.

So anything is possible.

^Let's not turn it into an NA believer versus disbelievers thread, eh? We can all present stats, and we can all 'share' our experiences of 12 Step programs, but not sure that's very productive right now? Missykins, Donnie, start another thread if you wanna get into it, I'll follow in a bit with my own thoughts. This is not the the thread to do it in.

Now back on topic . . .

Opi8, where you at? LilbabiC's advice is wise. Tell someone close to you and ask for help. We'll help on here best we can, but words on a screen don't amount to the same as help in real life. Practical head on : You still been shooting grams a day right up to now? You got anything in the way of help re: rapid detox? You doing this absolutely cold?

Regardless, just tough it out. Lots of us have been there, done that, and we've beat it. No reason why you can't beat it too. Takes an enormous effort of will, but that's all. If you're determined to beat it, you'll beat it.

Best of luck.

N x

 

[Sepher]

OK, you've got a decent set of meds there Opi8. Never used Suboxone to come off, but try not to use them. Try and do it cold if you can. By all accounts the Loperamide should help with the worst symptoms, but likewise never used them to come off either.

The Clonidine should help a good bit if you tolerate it well, though sometimes doesn't feel like it's doing much cos you're still rattling, restless and twitchy, and don't know how much worse you'd have been without it. You know how to dose it, yeah? Start low, upping dose slightly up to peak withdrawal using as little as you feel comfortable with, and taper it as you come out the backside of the withdrawal so as not to get rebound hypertension effects from it in its own right.

I'd hang on to the sleepers for a bit, and maybe try not to use them for the nights when withdrawal's at its peak, cos if you're anything like me you'll not sleep no matter how many you take, and will just feel even groggier and more lethargic with shitloads of downers swimming round your system when your body's already at a low ebb energy wise. Not sure it's a good idea taking Benzos with Clonidine anyways, seems to be risky from the very little I've read, so keep them for the post-acute phase to give yourself a break and help try and re-establish some kind of normal sleeping pattern. It was not sleeping and being desperate for just a few hours out of it that always broke me in the end.

Keep in touch as you go through this, yeah? What we have to say won't always be massively useful, but we'll do our best to be a useful distraction at least. Lots of us have been there, done that, have more t-shirts than we can usefully wear, you know? My best to you. I wish you well. Hang in there fella.

 

[Es mum]

im also in australia, where r u?

Keep strong. Im not best to give advice as im on the other end - my partner is the h addict that is fighting to quit too.

Best of luck - you can do it!!

 

[LilbabiC]

You are seeing a psychotherapist for anxiety and you aren't comfortable talking to him about your drug addiction. Your anxiety is one of the reasons you use. It is all related and if you truly want to get off of heroin you"ll use every resource available no matter how uncomfortable.

As far as NA goes, I was never a big fan but, I did manage to get a few things from it like: Changing People, Places and things. You have to limit your interaction with your brother until you are both strong enough not to use. I know that can be very hard but, it seems that the two of you are co-dependants.

When I was coming off heroin I did it without any meds because I wanted to remember just how terrible and painful withdrawl was so that I'd have motivation to never return to the comfort of heroin.

You can beat this disease but, not alone so please find some help.

 

[Sepher]

You and your brother spend a lot of time with each other and mostly do drugs together, or at least move in the same circles? Would be great in theory if you both decided to quit and were able to help each other through but in practice what happens is each of you is waiting for the other to bail first, and then you have a ready-made excuse for caving that's blameable on somebody else. If you can't quit together and he's gonna continue to use you need to cut him out of your life for a while. It will hurt, you and him, and you might have to deal with any guilt you feel in 'abandoning' him, but you need to concentrate on you. He'll come round one day, once he's off himself, and maybe you'll be able to help him get there once you're off and stable yourself, but you do have to cut users out of your life, even when they're family. I had to do it with my little sis. Not sure she'll ever forgive me for it, or if we'll ever have back the relationship we once had, but after being co-dependants living in the same house and thieving together for so long the only way I could keep on track and not slip back was to keep her at arms length for as long as she continued to use. Now she's off and moving forward herself we have something like a normal relationship, that's not defined or marred by our addiction. We still have a ways to go though.

I think you're right in not wanting to go on a maintenance program. If it comes down to a choice between maintenance and stability versus losing everything you have then maintenance is a no-brainer, sure, but if you feel you're resolved enough and strong enough to quit right now just do it. As for not feeling comfortable asking for the help of, or talking about this with your therapist, you have to get passed that. Your addiction is directly relevant to any and all other issues you're struggling with. They can hardly help you if you're not being frank with them, and keeping something fundamental like addiction to yourself. If you're not comfortable with them personally then change counsellors, but otherwise make the best use of your time with them. It's what they're there for. Don't waste the opportunity or turn away the help.

 

[patheboss420]

using lope isnt cold it is still an opioid

 

[robag50]

Get on some methadone my friend, I've been through the wringer myself with the shit, and I now have over 10 years of pretty good stability... I get mine through the VA for pain but there are clinics in every state i think.... hope you get some help bro...