I need advice

[Whodat3255]

Hi
I don't know exactly how to do this but I need help. My bf is into heroin, Xanax, and alcohol. When we met he was clean. That lasted about a month but the good ole co dependent that I am, I was already head over heels. Thankfully he wasn't a 4 times a day every day user. The most he has ever done while i was with him was a few days in a row (once a day). He would go small stretches without doing dope or Xanax or too much whiskey but sadly in over a year the most he has been clean is 36 days. He has done 3 different outpatients (did inpatient before I was with him) and being a psych major he knows how to screw the system and he is too stubborn to really do too much else. When he gets caught he bounces between apologetic and "relapses are normal in recovery". Anyway today I had the windows open while I was cleaning bc it was a beautiful day. Anyway I heard every single word he said to his dealer. When i confronted him, he acted like i was a crazy person and was basically gas-lighting me. When he couldn't me believe his lies he started with the " I made a mistake" thing. I went upstairs bc I was crying so hard I couldn't breath. Anyway about an hour later after he said it was a mistake he went under the same window (its where we smoke cigs) and he was back basically having the same convo. I don't know what to do anymore. He isn't the typical, use every day addict but he isn't working on his recovery either. I don't know what to do anymore. I told him, during his therapy session I was invited to, that if he used again we were over. I don't know what to do. Is there a way to pull him out of this or is that delusional? I know that an addict only gets help when he wants help but I don't WANT to leave. If i have to I will figure out a way to get back home ( I am from another state, I only have his family here, and I am waiting to hear on my dream job, I don't have the money to live alone right now). I am completely lost. I am afraid to leave bc he might just go completely off the ledge, but if i don't he may never wake up. I am between a rock and a hard place and i don't know what to do. Please know that I am not completely innocent in my "experiences" in life but I am almost 30 and realized that I wanted more out of life. I appreciate any help I can get. I don't know if this is even the right place to post of here but I am scared and desperate.

 

[Cdkman]

U cannot hold onto him and still live a life that u can be proud of..heroin is inside his head and sorry to say nothing outside will change it including love from u..it will keep getting worse as the viscous cycle goes round and round..reality is u need to leave as soon as u can..who know what the future holds, 30 is still young enough to forget about him and move on completely including finding someone else..best of luck

 

[SS373dOH]

He's only going to get worse, and will drag you into his void. Look for a roomie on cl, and emotionally disconnect yourself from him, until you hear back from your job. Then breakup with him after you find a roommate and are on your feet.

 

[dopemaster]

You can't go into something hoping to change someone. All the love in the world don't mean shit.

Dunno how else to tell you. If he using its gonna get worse.

I am pretty up front that I have drug and alcohol problems. So deal with it or not. Most people are not cool when they use. I don't complain or beg for shit. I do what I gotta do.

Dude ain't gonna change. He relapsed after getting with you. I suppose you could give him an ultimatum but dont be surprised if he lie or just tell you what you dont want to hear.

 

[Cosmic Trigger]

I agree with everyone else here. If you want to save your life you need to leave his. It takes courage to change your life and be on your own. If you can find the courage you will never regret it. It's how we build self love and how we then draw better people into our lives. Best of luck to you.

 

[Moreaux]

What everyone said is very true. You are not going to change him. You think you know about his using habits, but you don't. I promise you he is using a lot more than you realize, and it will only get worse until HE is ready to quit. You are caught in a vicious cycle that will continue to get worse the longer you stay. This will suck the life out of you the longer you stay. You said he's been in patina and outpatient...he knows what he needs to do to get sober, he isn't ready to yet. Addiction is a progressive disease, he will get worse until he either gets clean or he dies...do you want to watch him slowly kill himself until one of the two happens as it could be years. Heroin mixed with benzos is a notoriously lethal combination, do you want to wake up one morning to find him dead? I know this is harsh but these are things you have to ask yourself because you are loving with an addict. Is this the kind of life you want for yourself? If you find you are really wanting to stay with him consider getting therapy as healthy people do not stay with addicts - it's to mentally and physically unhealthy. I am so sorry you are going through this, but you need to leave for your own health and sanity. You can't/won't change him.