TDS I messed up....bad. Please help.

[OnToNeverland]

So, I've been on subutex for 5 years and haven't touched any other opiate for over 4 and a half years now..until tonight . Not only am I extremely disappointed in myself, but I messed up in the process. It was a orange morphine 60, tried to bang it (dude instructed me on how to avoid the gel) and it must have been too thick still because I drew up what I could which was only like 25cc and proceeded to continue the process. I got in, drew blood, and pushed the plunger. I got a small rush, but a few seconds after, the injection site started to burn like crazy and now it's a little swollen. What should I do, heat or ice? I'm literally, almost to the point of tears. It's almost Christmas and I wasted 20$ being selfish, which could have been spent on Christmas presents and hurt myself in the process. Plus, it's a secret from my long-time fiance, who is also on subtex and clean from other opiates. That's probably one of the worst parts, because if he found out he'd be so disappointed, not to mention pissed. I can't believe I did this. I honestly hate myself right no. It was in my face and I didn't say no. Now I'm miserable and in tears. Please help.

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

you had 4 years without touching anything thats fucking amazing! one little relapse is not that bad... it is called a lapse, as long as you don't use again you will be fine. relapse is a part of recovery... think of it as the same thing as a diabetic having to follow a strict diet and then out of no where they eat a cheeseburger (idk what diabetics can't eat but you get what I'm saying)...

4 years is a really long time you should be fucking proud of yourself, be happy, one little lapse is ok

 

[OnToNeverland]

Thanks for the reply and the positive words of encouragement and praise. It just hit me hard because I have my own little family now (fiance and daughter) and my priorities are a lot different. I know how hard the rest of my family would take it if the found out as well. Plus, the guilt of keeping it a secret from my fiance is gonna be a tough one to battle with, but I just can't tell him, not right now anyway. I know addiction is an everyday struggle and some view quitting other opiates and going to subutex as maintance is just switching one addiction out for another, which I agree. But atleast with subutex I'm not dealing with shady people everyday, putting myself in harms way, and spending countless hours a day trying to score. Thanks again. Hopefully this was a one time slip-up and won't happen again. I can only pray.