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I know I'm not exactly wanted here but...

W

Warped Reality

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 30, 2010
Messages
569
I feel like I just need to express myself, you know? I need someone to listen... I don't expect a lot of people to care... Not much people care about me anyways...

I just don't know what to do with myself. My entire life, I grew up with a group of friends, and to this day they're my best friends. The best friends I could ever ask for... At least I thought. It seems as if our group of friends is falling apart... And I don't know what to do... There's nothing I can do about it, other than accept it. I can't try to talk to them, or get in touch, or anything. But that's not half of the problem.

The past five years my depression has been coming and going. I do everything I can to help myself cope with it, and it seems to work for a while. Until the drugs are gone at least.

The past two years I thought that I've cured my depression. But was I really curing it? I don't know. I thought that numbing myself with drugs was helping me. I always said "Ecstasy got rid of my depression" and "LSD got rid of my depression". Shit like that. Then I moved on to opiates (Oxys and Delottas), and it numbed my senses in a way that I've never felt before... I was happy knowing that I was back to normal until my girlfriend broke up with my today saying "Are you really happy? Or are you just too fucking busy numbing yourself with every single drug possible". That got to me just a bit. It was more of an eye opener than anything.

I never considered myself a drug addict until now. I didn't really notice I was addicted because I've always had the money to buy drugs. I've spent over 50,000 dollars in the past two years pumping myself with drugs. I never felt a single feeling of addiction because I always had them, whenever I needed them.

Now I can tell I'm just rambling on about nonsense that nobody cares about. I have a well-paying job, a house to myself, great friends, but now that I look at things, does any of that matter when I'm this fucked up?

In my past threads I've posted, I've talked about suicide. I've felt suicidal many times, but not this time. I don't feel the need to take my life, I feel like that couldn't help nearly enough. I feel like I can't do anything to repair the things I've broken in my life. My relationships, my life, and most importantly, myself. I don't see a future anymore. Although I have a well paying job, and an amazing life, it's not enough to make me happy anymore...

I've tried everything... I've even tried looking to God for help... But that didn't seem like the most logical idea. I'm not religious but I thought I'd try to go to church and blahblahblah, whatever, none of that really matters...

Now one thing that has extremely gotten to me tonight is... Well this is hard to say... But I've noticed that the past two years, while numbing myself with drugs, I've come to accept my fathers death. Actually it's not even that I've accepted it, it's the fact that I don't give a fuck he's gone anymore. But I guess now that I'm saying this it really means that I care about that more than anything. I lost my father at a young age (14), and I'm now 19. It's been 5 years that he's gone, and the past two years, I haven't really cared. I had no reason to. I was so fucked up on drugs the entire time that it didn't even matter. Nothing mattered other than me being happy.

But my question is, was being that selfish worth it? Was being happy worth it? Because I always thought that nothing mattered unless I was happy. But now that I'm happy, I'm in the saddest state I've ever been in. I'd love to forgive myself, to be truly happy - but if I forgave myself, that's like saying to everybody that has ever tried to help me, that has ever given a single fuck about me "I don't need you anymore because I'm happy". Will I ever be happy? Because from the looks of it, if I'm the most lonely person ever, and I hate myself for everything that I've done, and I beg forgiveness from everybody that has wasted their time with me, and they forgive me - I'll still be sad, but would the fact that they've forgiven me make me happy? Or could I forgive myself and be happy? Or would that lead to them feeling used? And end up with me not being happy?

I'm sorry if this sounds like complete nonsense... to be honest, that's all it came out to be when I thought of it. Everything is so confusing right now I just don't understand what to do...

Bleh I don't even get what the point of this thread is... should I even press the 'submit new thread' button? Or would that be a waste of time? Meh whatever I'll do it anyways, let the bad replies roll in...
 
There's nothing wrong with you for posting this. You want something to change and you're doing something about it. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me over basically the same thing. It's sad and yet I was really abusing drugs. It's selfish to just go and do drugs at the expense of everything else, and who wants to be around that? It took her breaking up with me to realize it unfortunately. Even if you are going through tough times you're a good person remember, you deserve everything anyone else does. I've had similar thoughts, like 'was doing what I did worth it' or 'well why DID I let myself do the wrong thing'. I just don't think it's worth analyzing. Learn from what happened. Once you DECIDE to make a change you will. You can stop abusing drugs, you can find another relationship. What do you want? The clearer you are on what you do want the better.
 
jobe28 said:
There's nothing wrong with you for posting this. You want something to change and you're doing something about it. My ex-girlfriend broke up with me over basically the same thing. It's sad and yet I was really abusing drugs. It's selfish to just go and do drugs at the expense of everything else, and who wants to be around that? It took her breaking up with me to realize it unfortunately. Even if you are going through tough times you're a good person remember, you deserve everything anyone else does. I've had similar thoughts, like 'was doing what I did worth it' or 'well why DID I let myself do the wrong thing'. I just don't think it's worth analyzing. Learn from what happened. Once you DECIDE to make a change you will. You can stop abusing drugs, you can find another relationship. What do you want? The clearer you are on what you do want the better.
Click to expand...

thanks buddy that post actually cheered me up a bit...

i think the first thing i need to do is get clean... then i'll work on rebuilding my relationships with my friends and family. i really do believe that if i try hard enough i can be happy without the use of drugs.
 
Great. That's a good goal. It was definitely a key decision for me, it just didn't make sense to continue, not denying that it was nice to get high or whatever and cover up my problems, I just wanted more from my life (sounds cliched) and knew I was worthy of that. You'll get through it!
 
I don't think anyone can tell you whether it's all worth it or not besides yourself. I can totally make sense of what your saying. I've felt a lot it before, and sometimes still do. I started really realizing things around 19 too. Personally, when the people I hurt accepted my amends it did help. But the only thing you can do to improve your life is well...improve your life.

All the realizations you've made is really hard for a lot of people. And that's the first step, now youve realized that you are an addict. The rest won't be easy, but the first step I think takes the longest.

Honestly your still young, I'm only 21 but when I do get in a rut and start thinking that the rest of my life is doomed, I almost have to slap myself to realize that it's just ridiculous. People have done more with less time. For an addict, you won't be able to accomplish whatever while continuing to use, because it just gets worse. At first it won't be pleasant, accept in really weird cases, but if you give it time and determination, I know you will find what your looking for. I've had serious clean time in the past and it is possible to live a happy life without substances.

Keep it one day at a time, sounds corny but really.

O and my bad if any of that sounded like nonsense, i get really sentimental when I w.d for some reason...
 
Lucky me, my girlfriend does more drugs than me, I mean nothing hardcore but she does way more pills than is necessary but I wont break up with her because I would be considered a hypocrite. I once dated a girl in college that was totally against any drug use & it was very difficult to get high on weed while having to see her later on. Anyway, I just rambled, lets get back to you.

If your friends are your true friends, they wont be going anywhere & will try to help you out. Sorry to hear about your father bro, it must be very hard losing a parent & im assuming you masked the pain of your fathers death with alot of drugs & I cant blame you for it, I probably would have done the same thing.

Suicidal thoughts have crossed quite a few bluelighters minds & there is a thin line between doing it or not but I believe you are strong enough to keep it a a thought & thats it.

As far as religion goes, it does help alot but you gotta believe in it very much so. It takes decades for some monks to gain spiritual guidance & clarity of where they belong in this world & its seems its always a fight against the "negative/evil" effects of this world.

You self medicated yourself & imo, theres nothing wrong with that because you saved yourself from a possible "suicide". Not saying you would have done it but when someone gets really depressed, theres no telling.

Good luck with your future bro!
 
I don't think seeking forgiveness from others in itself is what will bring you peace of mind. Self-forgiveness will make the opinion of other people irrelevant. If you can accept yourself despite what you consider to be mistakes or flaws, then you are immune to others' judgments. Even if you feel that you did things that are horrible to certain people, you do not need their judgments to determine how you feel about yourself. I've lived my whole life based on other people's opinions and it is not a path to peace. Acceptance doesn't mean you have to think what you did was "good", it means that you accept that it happened and that you don't let it continue to haunt you forever.

The past is the past. If there are actions that you think are appropriate for mending certain relationships then that may be helpful, but ultimately it's your ability to accept the past and to accept everything as it is right now, that will allow you to experience peace and make the lasting changes that you seek.

If you're in pain and going through a difficult time then be nice with yourself as you go through this process <3
 
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