I know I should stay clean..... but.

[wcote]

I just keep on thinking FUCK IT. lets get back on it, all out, no fucking about. WHY????

Lets get bang on the smack and benzos again...... AND I DONT KNOW WHY I FEEL LIKE THIS?!

flat out, im just like fuck it why not, get grafting. ARGH

Iv come so far, being addicted is shite, we all know that..... its not fun its not cool......

but why do I want to go back???

I know what it would do to my family and mates, I have so many positives....

For one, women, when i was junkie mess, i got with lass's but it was junk relationship..... but went to brizzle last weekend, and fuck me one mates of mine was hitting on me and I was shocked, cus she is sooooo HOT. cus i was clean and she respected me i guess.

There are way more important positives to being clean.... but that one has stuck in my head.

BUT I just think FUCK it...... man my head is in a odd place, I really need to speak to the worker at the Drug Center, who i really get on with..... but im in ireland......

sorry to go on folks, but my head is in a weird place...... 8(

 

[monstanoodle]

You really needn't apologise mate I'm just going to post this bit now so that you know I've read this and am replying.
TBC shortly
--- Edit ---

Obviously you know the positives and pitfalls, but do you know the reason for this seemingly random urge to use again?
That's the key to making sure that you don't use or ever wish to use again.

I think that you'd get much more and more varied input if I moved this over to The Dark Side. Would you like me to do so?
It makes sense from the heart of a user myself - Not just the heart of a moderator

 

[wcote]

Thanks. Im going to try to sleep.

So if I dont reply until tomoz you will know why. %)

Thanks.

 

[monstanoodle]

Ok mate Sounds like a good idea.
And you're more than welcome wcote! S'what we're here for amongst other things
Take good care of yerself man and I hope you have a good 'en tomorrow

 

[wcote]

Cant sleep mind is going around and around...... SO up for 5 mins. then back to bed.

Thanks moon, I dont wish or want to use...... but I still think fuck it. GRGH

Yeah move it to THE DARK SIDE

 

[monstanoodle]

Gahhh rubbish. I hope you can sleep soon man
And I can completely relate to not wanting to but that part deep down thinking "Why the fuck not?" when there isn't really any proper and rational reason you can come up with.

Cool - I'll shift it over

EADD -----> TDS

p.s. Much love those of the TDS! ~~

 

[wcote]

MAN its christmas day. all family in good mood.....

i think as the booze gets flowing il be fine..... not a good thing really.

thinking about this time last year i was a mess..... and now im thinking about going back to that......

im even thinkin of how and where to graft..... fucking with my head.....

this has been going on for a couple of weeks now....

 

[maxalfie]

I know how you feel Wcote mate. I still use heroin on a mostly daily basis.
I can write a list as long as my arm on all the positives there are for giving up the gear but no real positives to carry on using.
But even armed with all this information I still choose to use like an idiot.
I know that if I stopped using I could buy nice stuff like a big flat screen TV etc but I still choose to spend about 90% of my wages on heroin.
I guess that's just the nature of addiction, we know it doesn't make sense to carry on using but we just can't stop ourselves.
Hope you have a good day mate.

 

[charlie clean]

As a drug user, you have a financial, legal, social and possibly pharmaceutical problem.

I say 'possibly' because, unless you're extraordinarily well connected or a Swiss resident, it's unlikely you'll have had enough of the drug fully to appreciate the pharmacological aspects before you've had enough of your other 'drug problems' and 'kick' as you did, wcote.

So whatever attracted you to the actual drug in the first place probably remains unresolved and still hits you every now and then. Just remember everything that goes with it and live with it. Or lobby for heroin on prescription. Then any 'drug problem' would be just that. As it is, the actual intoxicant gets confused with - and even blamed for - the accompanying legal-socio-economic nightmare and the old noggin can get into a right tizzy.

Happy Christmas to food-bloated heroin cravers everywhere. Resist! ( whatever you should be resisting. )

 

[wcote]

was very very drunk, told me uncle my problem, PLUS that I was still using..... so he told family. Fair shout to him. STUPID OF ME

But it was good to have da family know in a way.... its helped a lot actually..... I REALLY needed to talk to someone about it, sorta the person i would prefered not to have talked to.... but i was in ireland so had no one else really.

So now im getting out of my parents place, moving into 'sheltered' accommodation, cus i cant be with them...... just aint working. as im sure people can relate to :D

Going to get right back into the recovery programme, cus iv deffo gone a few steps backwards.... and im VERY close to full relapse. so need help asap.

get back to the uk on da 28th.... talk to my 'key worker' get things in action. Ah well.

Oh and iv had swiss heroin quite a few times its verrrry nice. %)

 

[herbavore]

wcote, I think you are on the right track with telling yourself all of the things that are better in your life (like relationships) when not using. Concentrate on those, really pay attention to them. A friend of mine used to take time in the morning to appreciate what it felt like to wake up without immediately constructing his whole day (in his head) around using. He said it seemed like a little thing but it was such a huge sense of freedom to wake up and not immediately be craving that he used that wonderful feeling to sort of center himself for the rest of the day.

Think of all the things like that that made you finally stop using; then consciously bring them to mind as much as you can.

Also, do the cravings happen when you are experiencing negative emotions? Maybe learning strategies to deal with those emotions that make you uncomfortable could help?

Good luck and stay strong.

 

[wcote]

Yeah im not going to tell my friends in bristol for now..... because I really want to continue the on / off thing with a VERY prutty and lovurly friend of mine and as im only dabbling and im going to get help again,

i will stop dabbling or else me and her wont happen..... i need money to visit her! so its a good reason not to use..

but still i forget things like this, and thats what gets me.....

So i need to do what your mate does and think positive.....

I think an V important thing will be to get back in recovery programme and get into accomodation.

 

[wcote]

I CANNOT FUCKING SLEEP.

Too much shit in my head.

Again im thinking fuck it.... but not nearly as strongly, even though i want to get into recovary again..


my brain REALLY hurts.

and iv got to get the ferry in 3 hours..... im tired, but cannot sleep.

wish i had valium..... but that has its MAJOR downsides....

AGHGHHBSFHDJHDBGh

 

[herbavore]

Sorry to hear, wcote. Sending you a PM and lots of love.

 

[effie]

wcote, I am also sending you a pm! We live in the same city

 

[Jabberwocky]

Guess what?! I can't sleep either Still in acute stage of w/d, but fuck it I'd take a little insomnia any day next to the shit I'm out doing when I am using the horse. This last time around it felt like I couldn't live with myself, I mean with all the manipulation and deceit and whatnot.

charlie clean, me thinks, is right on the money. It's taken basically reconnecting with my dad after a LONG period of basically not talking 8( which was on my part a response to my abandonment issues related to my parent's divorce when I was 11. I know a divorce is not the biggest deal, but I'm starting to come to terms with how it's foxed with me. But the point there is there was an underlying issue that had a lot to do with not wanting to come to terms with my addiction. Now that I'm coming to terms with it, already it has been easier to at least begin to get serious about my "drug" problems... again *sigh*

If you didn't already realize, you should always feel free to shoot a pm my way if you have the urge.

Cheers mate %)

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

Don't fucking go back you idiot!

I did exactly the same thing and I'm now facing up to a life of no girlfriend, no job, loneliness, 80mg a day methadone habit and no end in sight for months on end. I can't get a job because of my habit, I'm not going to be getting a girlfriend with no job (although I am more than financially stable) and being a junkie. Every day is painful as I reduce my methadone. I have no respect left for myself and I'm completely lost.

I desperately need to get into some form of counselling ASAP because I'm not in a good way.

Do you want this,or do you want to go and fuck that fine-ass biatch that was hitting on you?

 

[wcote]

i want the fine WOMAN.... man i could not belief she hit on me..... the other girl yeah, we have history..... DAMN your right.....

thats the thing im thinking fuck it........ but i aint acting on it.....

man i lost girl with history due to smack...... and she got back with me.....

obviously there are loads more benifits than getting of with clean, hot woman instead of another user, who you shagg, but really its all about the smack.

 

[phactor]

Can you setup an admission to a treatment center before you leave your parents house? Going to a shelter to wait till a bed opens up isn't probably the best idea. Get something setup, tell your parents that you will be leaving on that day and see if they will let you stay until then.

My parents relationship and mine is complex, but at the end of the day their support was probably what has allowed me to say that I haven't used anything in 438 days. Knowing that I didn't have to worry about becoming homeless while I went through therapy made a huge difference.

 

[wcote]

I think I have mentioned they are not kicking me out straight away. But saying get out. My key worker aint going to chuck me in some fucked up hostel.

Im going to sound like a cunt to you, but my parents can be as supportive as they like, but it doesnt not stop me in any way from using.... i dont use in the house... but just cus of them nah, not at all.