Sad I haven’t been able to cry until I did the right combination of drugs yesterday.

[PenguinWithNapalm]

Edit: this post is not meant to glorify drugs it was just something interesting that happened today. So usually I like to perceive (in other words lie) to myself about being in control of my emotions. Obviously this is much easier when you numb yourself with opioids everyday. Today though was different. And beautiful. And cathartic. I didn’t realize how much I needed to let this all out. Mind you it wasn’t the textbook “I’m out of drugs and now the emotions are all running back to me.” I had drugs. In fact I had a plethora of my favorite drugs to mix. Opioids (DOC) and amphetamines (prescribed but I like to abuse them in conjunction with the opioids) not always but when I get a new refill I like to do it a couple times and use the rest for the clinically severe adhd that I actually have. The problem with abusing amps as anyone who’s done it will tell you is the crash if you don’t have landing gear. Well everything lined up and I had it all but when the vyvanse hit me I started to feel angry about the impotence I feel to make this fucked up world a better place and started to dwell on all of the fucked up things in this world deliberately designed to keep us down. So I took the Xanax and smoked some dope and that peeled away the layer of anger and let me actually (for the first time I can remember) feel those feelings and it was just the right dose as to not escape these thoughts but to look at them in a different light. I started crying. Then I started crying more. My girlfriend was with me and she is an intelligent and empathetic person who also shares these views but is more apathetic about it. I think she is just jaded by the impotence she feels about it too. She with me and consoled me and I let it all out. That was many hours ago and I am still in the process of dealing with these emotions I have been hiding for so long. I feel so much better now that I let it all out. It was just rather novel that it was actually the drugs in the first place that facilitated this (since it wasn’t anything like a psychedelic or MDMA) anyways I just needed to share that. Thank you for reading.

 

[Kellsee]

I would stop now if I was you.

You are romanizing your relationship with opiates.

Just tread lightly

 

[PenguinWithNapalm]

I would stop now if I was you.

You are romanizing your relationship with opiates.

Just tread lightly

It actually was the vyvanse and Xanax not the opiates. I’ve been an opiate addict and daily user for many years now so unfortunately I’m far past that. I actually haven’t romanticized them in a long long time. It was just more about the ironic beauty of finding a shred of myself still alive that surfaced through drugs. I truly appreciate your concern though. It means a lot. I am taking my mental health a lot more seriously these days though. I have therapy once a week as well as group therapy twice a week. So I definitely am on a journey of self improvement. Thanks Kellsee

 

[Kellsee]

It actually was the vyvanse and Xanax not the opiates. I’ve been an opiate addict and daily user for many years now so unfortunately I’m far past that. I actually haven’t romanticized them in a long long time. It was just more about the ironic beauty of finding a shred of myself still alive that surfaced through drugs. I truly appreciate your concern though. It means a lot. I am taking my mental health a lot more seriously these days though. I have therapy once a week as well as group therapy twice a week. So I definitely am on a journey of self improvement. Thanks Kellsee

ok I gotcha more now. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to explain yourself tho so I’m sorry for that because I hate how people make us feel that way. But it’s just something I’m sensitive too cause of how I messed my own life up. But I see you already get it so I’m glad lol

 

[PenguinWithNapalm]

ok I gotcha more now. I didn’t mean to make you feel like you had to explain yourself tho so I’m sorry for that because I hate how people make us feel that way. But it’s just something I’m sensitive too cause of how I messed my own life up. But I see you already get it so I’m glad lol

Thank you for saying so but you did have a point. This post could come off as pro-polydrug as a way to solve emotional issues. That’s why I went back and reworded it a little differently. The LAST thing I want is to make someone think the can solve their problems with like this.

 

[Kellsee]

Thank you for saying so but you did have a point. This post could come off as pro-polydrug as a way to solve emotional issues. That’s why I went back and reworded it a little differently. The LAST thing I want is to make someone think the can solve their problems with like this. I
Have

That was so thoughtful of you!

I get how sometimes you just wanna express something in raw honesty tho

 

[PenguinWithNapalm]

That was so thoughtful of you!

I get how sometimes you just wanna express something in raw honesty tho

Yeah, I’ve just been going through so much and been wearing a strong mask for so long because I don’t want to burden the people around me :/

 

[washingtonbound]

Edit: this post is not meant to glorify drugs it was just something interesting that happened today. So usually I like to perceive (in other words lie) to myself about being in control of my emotions. Obviously this is much easier when you numb yourself with opioids everyday. Today though was different. And beautiful. And cathartic. I didn’t realize how much I needed to let this all out. Mind you it wasn’t the textbook “I’m out of drugs and now the emotions are all running back to me.” I had drugs. In fact I had a plethora of my favorite drugs to mix. Opioids (DOC) and amphetamines (prescribed but I like to abuse them in conjunction with the opioids) not always but when I get a new refill I like to do it a couple times and use the rest for the clinically severe adhd that I actually have. The problem with abusing amps as anyone who’s done it will tell you is the crash if you don’t have landing gear. Well everything lined up and I had it all but when the vyvanse hit me I started to feel angry about the impotence I feel to make this fucked up world a better place and started to dwell on all of the fucked up things in this world deliberately designed to keep us down. So I took the Xanax and smoked some dope and that peeled away the layer of anger and let me actually (for the first time I can remember) feel those feelings and it was just the right dose as to not escape these thoughts but to look at them in a different light. I started crying. Then I started crying more. My girlfriend was with me and she is an intelligent and empathetic person who also shares these views but is more apathetic about it. I think she is just jaded by the impotence she feels about it too. She with me and consoled me and I let it all out. That was many hours ago and I am still in the process of dealing with these emotions I have been hiding for so long. I feel so much better now that I let it all out. It was just rather novel that it was actually the drugs in the first place that facilitated this (since it wasn’t anything like a psychedelic or MDMA) anyways I just needed to share that. Thank you for reading.

The opiate and amphetamine situation sounds terrible to be honest. Digging yourself into a hole. Stuff is not a joke my friend just got out of rehab for a 300mg percocet habit and his personality has changed completely