I have no faith in anyone. And struggle to bond with anyone anymore on a serious level

[elgoucho9]

So I'm quite new to posting in this part of the forum. But I have been doing some self reflection recently and figured it was worth a post.

In my late teens and early 20's, I used to go clubbing. So it was quite easy to wind up stumbling into females in the club.

Recently, it's been 3 years since I had a serious relationship. Sure I have had a couple of non serious girlfriends in that space of time. To be honest though, I only got with them because I was on drugs at the time. And since my last serious relationship, I really feel like I don't want another one the same. So I'm essentially just messing people around. As I know from the get go I'm not really interested long term and it won't last. Usually the second I see any negative character traits it just becomes a case of me trying to distance myself as quickly as possible.

My last serious relationship was from 2018 to 2021. Initially I did like her and want to be with her. She was pretty and sound to chill with. We were both heavy stoners at the time. I hadn't been seeing her for more than a month when she took a seizure in my house. On reflection I really wish that never happened as being the naive fool I was at the time, that made me feel sorry for her.

As time developed I met her family. Her mother was an ex heroin addict who abannoned her kids for 10 years while she was fucked up. Her father was an old oil worker who liked to drink and could be aggressive at times. Both were quite judging and unhelpful. I started to realise the family wasn't really for me.
Also by this stage I was starting to realise she didn't really do much apart from smoke alot of weed. I started taking her to the gym with me and showing her basic workouts and stuff. But around the house she wouldn't really pitch in and help much.

Despite having my doubts about some stuff I guess I just wanted somebody of my own. We got a flat together and things were good for a brief while. Eventually she got a job and started working. But every morning there would be tears and tantrums before work. It was like every day I'd start my day on the back foot in a bad mood stressed out cos of it. I'd drive her to work then crack on with what I had to do myself.
It wasn't long before these morning episodes stirred up a reaction in me. And she could tell I was no longer feeling the same about things I guess (it's easy for me to say this now, at the time I don't think I understood myself).

Eventually this rift caused my drug use to increase. She had problems with benzos when I met her. Which I did help with. But now it was my turn to run into troubles. I was taking too many valium and sneaking round the corner to buy crack when I said I was going for a smoke with mates etc. I just needed a break from the stress. I will admit there were times I was definitely no angel and a complete dickhead for lying about stuff. I just wasn't happy and tried to mask everything which ended up with me really fucking myself up.

In the end she didn't trust me. And I moved out. We were still speaking and there was love between us. I would come back for a few weeks, then leave for a few weeks. Like a revolving door. We would stop talking. Then start again. Then we were back to square one.

Now I should mention during the whole relationship from day one. Before I ever gave her reason to doubt me in any way. She never trusted me around any of my female friends. To the point that over time I stopped speaking to most of them. As it caused me so much headache it wasn't worth it. Worst decision ever as I lost some great friends because of this.

Well the next thing. I find out as we were having a 'cooling off period', she's been fucking one of my friends she met when we were together in our flat lol. And removed my name from the tenancy while still being all cute with me calling me every night etc. Telling me I better not be with other girls. This sent me crazy with rage. How could she? I spiralled into worse and worse levels of drinking, cocaine addiction and valium use. I had a couple of near death incidents around this time like a head on car crash at 70mph I somehow walked out of with only a burst eardrum. And drug binges that at points I was in a real bad way. On reflection now I can say I did this to myself cos I was hurting. I'll be honest enough to say when I spoke to her I gave her a tonne of abuse, then never spoke to her again. After all her insecurities and all the times I had to reassure her how could she do that? The most false person I've ever met.

Yet it gets worse. Since then she has been with 4 of my friends who she met in our house lol. Told them all sorts of complete shit about me. To the point they are no longer my friends. I even caught a sucker punch off one of them when I wasn't looking while on a session in his house lol. Not that it did any damage. But I'm sure her input would be the main reason he thought to do that.
My other friend, who is actually my friend also told me other people who used to come round and smoke weed with me. Now are all over her social media like their best mates. And I've heard they been slagging me off. Not that I really care about that, as they are really not too bright and live a life of crime, in and out of prison etc. Basically they actually are what her and her family seem to make out I was.

This post is not me looking for sympathy. As I say I was definitely for sure a toxic person myself at one stage because of the relationship. However my issue is, since her, I don't trust anyone. I know full well that the time I found out about would not be the first time she had cheated on me. And she was not someone I had expected would bare face lie to me like that.

In addition to the lack of faith I now have in others because of her. I also saw what alot of my mates at the time were like. They know all this happened yet continue to be buddies with her. Which they can do what they like but the way I see it, there's no loyalties there and they 100% would pass information back about me. Probably tell her I'm on drugs etc. So not real friends. Although again, in many cases this should have been recognised years ago from their actions before I ever met her.

As such I no longer have any social media anymore. Which given these circumstances I dare say most could understand. Like I said earlier in this post, during my 20's I was a regular goer to the local clubs. So could meet females there. For the last 2-3 years all the relationships I've had have just come from my relapses. Then when I sober up I just fuck them off cos it's not for me. Not to say some of them weren't attractive. But their lifestyles just weren't compatable with who I see myself as/would like to be moving forwards.

Now I'm at this point where I'm in my early 30's, I've had to write off a large number of friends. Ditched all social media apps. I have finally gained the upperhand and some control over my drug use. I am living much better and far less stressed than I was. Yet still having a relationship with someone, or even finding any women for the first time in my life is quite difficult. I guess I need a new friend circle. But I am so much more self aware now there's a handful of people I've been friends with for years and have been loyal to me, that I want to hang with. Beyond that I'm quick to spot anyones motives and underhanded behavior puts me off immediately.

I wonder what I can do to work around this? I'd like to meet a nice girl who has her shit in order, isn't clingy/needy (as I don't want my entire life to be consumed by someone elses needs ever again), and has something going for her. I recognise to attract this you have to project the same. I have applied for courses and am working towards attempting to open my own business. And I am very mindful of my own behavior now. I no longer use drugs which previously contributed to toxic behaviors, or drink alcohol anymore. I meditate and exercise most days. And eat healthy. Spend time looking after my families needs etc. Yet it feels like I am destined to be single now as I just can't find anyone compatible with what I'm looking for personality/intelligenince wise around here.

Anyone else been through similar that could give me advice it would be appreciated.

Sorry if I don't reply to all posts. As much as I would enjoy a good reply. I needed to type this out to fully process my issues myself.

 

[CFC]

Sounds like you're doing all the healthy healing things. Continue to focus on doing those things you enjoy or that give you satisfaction and pleasure. Rest safe in the knowledge that, in doing so, and just living your life like this, you'll meet lots of people. Eventually someone who you're attracted to will come along, and then this will all be ancient history and you'll wonder why you were anxious to accelerate things outside their natural order in the first place.

 

[elgoucho9]

Sounds like you're doing all the healthy healing things. Continue to focus on doing those things you enjoy or that give you satisfaction and pleasure. Rest safe in the knowledge that, in doing so, and just living your life like this, you'll meet lots of people. Eventually someone who you're attracted to will come along, and then this will all be ancient history and you'll wonder why you were anxious to accelerate things outside their natural order in the first place.

Wise words @CFC . I have thought this too. And you are probably right. The thing is I jsut don't see where I'm meeting anyone

 

[CFC]

Wise words @CFC . I have thought this too. And you are probably right. The thing is I jsut don't see where I'm meeting anyone

In the moment, it can definitely feel like that. We all rush rush rush. But things happen when they happen. Don't fuck it all up by trying to rush it - that will make a hash of anything. Deep breath, trust in the plan, and carry on. That kind of genuine, deeply felt laissez faire attitude will be so attractive to others. Have faith in yourself!

 

[BadBoy377]

Wow. That's a lot of insight mate. It's also empowering to be able to understand why you made some of your more negative choices.

I don't have any answers for you but I do commend your insight and ability to share.

Perhaps now is not the right time for you to meet someone new. You got some hefty (but not unreasonable) criteria there. I suspect if you continue to work on yourself like you have that you'll meet the right person when the time is right.

 

[elgoucho9]

In the moment, it can definitely feel like that. We all rush rush rush. But things happen when they happen. Don't fuck it all up by trying to rush it - that will make a hash of anything. Deep breath, trust in the plan, and carry on. That kind of genuine, deeply felt laissez faire attitude will be so attractive to others. Have faith in yourself!

I will go back to my meditation and hope to improve myself as far as possible for when the time comes. Like you say, trust the process

Wow. That's a lot of insight mate. It's also empowering to be able to understand why you made some of your more negative choices.

I don't have any answers for you but I do commend your insight and ability to share.

Perhaps now is not the right time for you to meet someone new. You got some hefty (but not unreasonable) criteria there. I suspect if you continue to work on yourself like you have that you'll meet the right person when the time is right.

Thanks for the reply man. Yeah, that last part is probably very accurate. I mean I meet people in the shop etc, I am quite chatty usually. I just don't make the same efforts to chase women that I use to back in the day.

I guess like yourself and CFC say. It will happen when the time is right. Until then just work on myself.

 

[chippermonk]

I think it's great that you really laid it all out there like that for us. Kind of like seeing a therapist. It shows that you are really thinking things through and working it out for yourself. Seems like you really did want it to work with her but she is a screwed up person to have a good relationship with. And no doubt, her family has fucked her up, so shitty as she has been, maybe she deserves a little empathy, as do you (though not enough to return to her!). You played your part in some of the problems, like with drinking and drugs, and you recognize it, and now you are really trying to improve yourself. Kudos!
It takes time to be ready to trust, but there really are some nice trustworthy women out there. You'll be cool with it when you are ready. Just avoid all those old so-called friends who bring you down and put yourself in positions where you meet women in a healthy, low-pressure setting, like doing some hobby you have. You can get to know each other in slower way than in a club

 

[elgoucho9]

I think it's great that you really laid it all out there like that for us. Kind of like seeing a therapist. It shows that you are really thinking things through and working it out for yourself. Seems like you really did want it to work with her but she is a screwed up person to have a good relationship with. And no doubt, her family has fucked her up, so shitty as she has been, maybe she deserves a little empathy, as do you (though not enough to return to her!). You played your part in some of the problems, like with drinking and drugs, and you recognize it, and now you are really trying to improve yourself. Kudos!
It takes time to be ready to trust, but there really are some nice trustworthy women out there. You'll be cool with it when you are ready. Just avoid all those old so-called friends who bring you down and put yourself in positions where you meet women in a healthy, low-pressure setting, like doing some hobby you have. You can get to know each other in slower way than in a club

Thanks mate. You are right about alot of things with this reply for sure.

Also i feel like that last part about meeting in a low-pressure setting is absolutely golden. My whole life I've tried to do everything at fast pace. And it's often caused me alot of grief/stress. I guess slow and steady wins the race.

 

[alasdairm]

lots of great advice in this thread already.

you're considering your issues and making plans to address them,. i'd say that puts you ahead of about 75% of people with problems who do neither.

i echo cfc.

i can only speak from my own experience but, whenever i've made a point of explicitly trying to meet somebody, it's been a disaster - online dating, going to clubs and pubs for that express purpose, etc. i feel like you're just setting yourself up for failure from the start.

all my successful relationships have come when i've least expected them and have been working on something else - learning, some creative project or other and various hobbies. somewhat clinically, it is a numbers game in part and just being out and about doing interesting things will bring people into your orbit. they may not be potential partners but their friends may be. i've had 3 ltrs in my life and they were all friends of friends.

your post is full of reflection and optimism and i wish you well.

alasdair

p.s. i'd love an answer to my pm but if you don't want to, i understand

 

[elgoucho9]

lots of great advice in this thread already.

you're considering your issues and making plans to address them,. i'd say that puts you ahead of about 75% of people with problems who do neither.

i echo cfc.

i can only speak from my own experience but, whenever i've made a point of explicitly trying to meet somebody, it's been a disaster - online dating, going to clubs and pubs for that express purpose, etc. i feel like you're just setting yourself up for failure from the start.

all my successful relationships have come when i've least expected them and have been working on something else - learning, some creative project or other and various hobbies. somewhat clinically, it is a numbers game in part and just being out and about doing interesting things will bring people into your orbit. they may not be potential partners but their friends may be. i've had 3 ltrs in my life and they were all friends of friends.

your post is full of reflection and optimism and i wish you well.

alasdair

p.s. i'd love an answer to my pm but if you don't want to, i understand

Yes mate. I feel like the only way I can really progress in life and get to where I want/need to be is to confront all my past issues head on. Accept my past shortcomings and learn from them.

Yourself and @CFC are completely correct. Everytime I've even wound up in a relationship it's been through meeting someone in the gym, at a bar, barbers etc. The only exception to that is the one mentioned in this thread where we started chatting on Facebook. And look where that got me

I think you've hit the nail on the head. The biggest takeaway so far from this thread is a) to keep doing what I'm doing. And b) I need to get out and do things more. So much of my previous socialising revolved around drug taking, I need some new hobbies.

I have applied to do a couple of courses to gain some new qualifications for work, perhaps/hopefully I meet some cool people there.

Sent you a PM btw.

 

[Jnowhere]

So I'm quite new to posting in this part of the forum. But I have been doing some self reflection recently and figured it was worth a post.

In my late teens and early 20's, I used to go clubbing. So it was quite easy to wind up stumbling into females in the club.

Recently, it's been 3 years since I had a serious relationship. Sure I have had a couple of non serious girlfriends in that space of time. To be honest though, I only got with them because I was on drugs at the time. And since my last serious relationship, I really feel like I don't want another one the same. So I'm essentially just messing people around. As I know from the get go I'm not really interested long term and it won't last. Usually the second I see any negative character traits it just becomes a case of me trying to distance myself as quickly as possible.

My last serious relationship was from 2018 to 2021. Initially I did like her and want to be with her. She was pretty and sound to chill with. We were both heavy stoners at the time. I hadn't been seeing her for more than a month when she took a seizure in my house. On reflection I really wish that never happened as being the naive fool I was at the time, that made me feel sorry for her.

As time developed I met her family. Her mother was an ex heroin addict who abannoned her kids for 10 years while she was fucked up. Her father was an old oil worker who liked to drink and could be aggressive at times. Both were quite judging and unhelpful. I started to realise the family wasn't really for me.
Also by this stage I was starting to realise she didn't really do much apart from smoke alot of weed. I started taking her to the gym with me and showing her basic workouts and stuff. But around the house she wouldn't really pitch in and help much.

Despite having my doubts about some stuff I guess I just wanted somebody of my own. We got a flat together and things were good for a brief while. Eventually she got a job and started working. But every morning there would be tears and tantrums before work. It was like every day I'd start my day on the back foot in a bad mood stressed out cos of it. I'd drive her to work then crack on with what I had to do myself.
It wasn't long before these morning episodes stirred up a reaction in me. And she could tell I was no longer feeling the same about things I guess (it's easy for me to say this now, at the time I don't think I understood myself).

Eventually this rift caused my drug use to increase. She had problems with benzos when I met her. Which I did help with. But now it was my turn to run into troubles. I was taking too many valium and sneaking round the corner to buy crack when I said I was going for a smoke with mates etc. I just needed a break from the stress. I will admit there were times I was definitely no angel and a complete dickhead for lying about stuff. I just wasn't happy and tried to mask everything which ended up with me really fucking myself up.

In the end she didn't trust me. And I moved out. We were still speaking and there was love between us. I would come back for a few weeks, then leave for a few weeks. Like a revolving door. We would stop talking. Then start again. Then we were back to square one.

Now I should mention during the whole relationship from day one. Before I ever gave her reason to doubt me in any way. She never trusted me around any of my female friends. To the point that over time I stopped speaking to most of them. As it caused me so much headache it wasn't worth it. Worst decision ever as I lost some great friends because of this.

Well the next thing. I find out as we were having a 'cooling off period', she's been fucking one of my friends she met when we were together in our flat lol. And removed my name from the tenancy while still being all cute with me calling me every night etc. Telling me I better not be with other girls. This sent me crazy with rage. How could she? I spiralled into worse and worse levels of drinking, cocaine addiction and valium use. I had a couple of near death incidents around this time like a head on car crash at 70mph I somehow walked out of with only a burst eardrum. And drug binges that at points I was in a real bad way. On reflection now I can say I did this to myself cos I was hurting. I'll be honest enough to say when I spoke to her I gave her a tonne of abuse, then never spoke to her again. After all her insecurities and all the times I had to reassure her how could she do that? The most false person I've ever met.

Yet it gets worse. Since then she has been with 4 of my friends who she met in our house lol. Told them all sorts of complete shit about me. To the point they are no longer my friends. I even caught a sucker punch off one of them when I wasn't looking while on a session in his house lol. Not that it did any damage. But I'm sure her input would be the main reason he thought to do that.
My other friend, who is actually my friend also told me other people who used to come round and smoke weed with me. Now are all over her social media like their best mates. And I've heard they been slagging me off. Not that I really care about that, as they are really not too bright and live a life of crime, in and out of prison etc. Basically they actually are what her and her family seem to make out I was.

This post is not me looking for sympathy. As I say I was definitely for sure a toxic person myself at one stage because of the relationship. However my issue is, since her, I don't trust anyone. I know full well that the time I found out about would not be the first time she had cheated on me. And she was not someone I had expected would bare face lie to me like that.

In addition to the lack of faith I now have in others because of her. I also saw what alot of my mates at the time were like. They know all this happened yet continue to be buddies with her. Which they can do what they like but the way I see it, there's no loyalties there and they 100% would pass information back about me. Probably tell her I'm on drugs etc. So not real friends. Although again, in many cases this should have been recognised years ago from their actions before I ever met her.

As such I no longer have any social media anymore. Which given these circumstances I dare say most could understand. Like I said earlier in this post, during my 20's I was a regular goer to the local clubs. So could meet females there. For the last 2-3 years all the relationships I've had have just come from my relapses. Then when I sober up I just fuck them off cos it's not for me. Not to say some of them weren't attractive. But their lifestyles just weren't compatable with who I see myself as/would like to be moving forwards.

Now I'm at this point where I'm in my early 30's, I've had to write off a large number of friends. Ditched all social media apps. I have finally gained the upperhand and some control over my drug use. I am living much better and far less stressed than I was. Yet still having a relationship with someone, or even finding any women for the first time in my life is quite difficult. I guess I need a new friend circle. But I am so much more self aware now there's a handful of people I've been friends with for years and have been loyal to me, that I want to hang with. Beyond that I'm quick to spot anyones motives and underhanded behavior puts me off immediately.

I wonder what I can do to work around this? I'd like to meet a nice girl who has her shit in order, isn't clingy/needy (as I don't want my entire life to be consumed by someone elses needs ever again), and has something going for her. I recognise to attract this you have to project the same. I have applied for courses and am working towards attempting to open my own business. And I am very mindful of my own behavior now. I no longer use drugs which previously contributed to toxic behaviors, or drink alcohol anymore. I meditate and exercise most days. And eat healthy. Spend time looking after my families needs etc. Yet it feels like I am destined to be single now as I just can't find anyone compatible with what I'm looking for personality/intelligenince wise around here.

Anyone else been through similar that could give me advice it would be appreciated.

Sorry if I don't reply to all posts. As much as I would enjoy a good reply. I needed to type this out to fully process my issues myself.

Dude you know me from here. I am in my 40's and alone. I ruined my social life from the start of college by being a drunk. I fucked up 2 possible chances I had at being with a good girl who was attractive, had no issues and all I could think about was drinking, My grades were acceptable even though I drank heavy. I have regretted that for my whole adult life. Both chances at a girlfriend who was marriage material, didn't do drugs or hang out clubs. They came from stable financially comfortable 2 parent families. The one issue with the one was, I am a white guy. Her family were Korean immigrants. They would have wanted her to be with a Korean guy from a good family. She actually was interested in me and even came up to me in after a large class and started hanging out. It wouldn't have been an issue but her parents only wanted her to date Korean guys. I think she liked white boys. Anyways I transferred to the main campus of my college she found me and I was too drunk to care anymore.
The other I will not get into, if I hadn't been a drunk, I could have ended up with a good job and a a great wife and family.
The point is, if you are a drunk and or a drug user, you are not really ready for a good solid relationship. I was good at hiding my issue. But also if you want a wife, a good girl( so to speak) is what you need. Two halves do not make a whole in a relationship. I wasn't even that. But if you really want a serious relationship and don't want to end up with regrets and eventually dying alone.
1. Make sure you got your shit together, I know you are really working on that, which is great.
2. Find a woman who has no issues. You have stuff of your own, don't add her shit to the equation.
3. Never seriously date a girl who left a solid guy,who maybe boring and lame, because she will do the same to you given the chance.
4. No sketchy girls, no matter how cute, unless they are filthy rich( hey to use an old saying, you can marry more money in 5 minutes than you ,can earn in a lifetime) but that is rare in the UK, ok Winston Churchill's mom was a rich American heiress. Rich American heiress dig British dudes sometimes.
5. Find a pretty girl, who will not cheat, lie, do drugs, has a decent job, no kids or ex husband's
6. No woman who are under 25 or so, you are over 30
7. No woman who you suspect is hung up on an ex.
8. No woman with vices, especially gambling or hard drug use or any drugs
9. That may sound judgemental, well guess what, this is your damn life and what if you both end up doing stuff you'll regret!
10. No high maintenance woman or drama queens or gossips.
11. No stupid women, You understand
12. A good healthy relationship with their family is a great sign.
13. Financially responsible is a must.
14. No serious political, religious or basic philosophical differences
15 responsible, loving, caring and trust worthy
16.loyalty is a must,
17 healthy, clean, feminine but not so consumed with looks that she is shallow
18. No women that flirt with other guys, bring you down, kick you when your down.
This is a partial list to get my point across. Don't die alone, find a good woman, she is out there. This is far from complete but this is a rough guide

 

[Metamorpheus]

Wanna send you a PM on this as I’m going through something similar but it deserves a longer post and I’m currently waiting on a pick up

 

[elgoucho9]

Wanna send you a PM on this as I’m going through something similar but it deserves a longer post and I’m currently waiting on a pick up

Please do my friend.

 

[tokayeahok]

i love this thread. the vulnerability, communication, honesty, and brevity.

like the lads and lasses mentioned above, rest assured that if you keep doing things for elgoucho, lagoucho will come along and she will sweep you off your feet. universe has a very very odd way of lining things up to almost mathematical precision sometimes.

much love

 

[elgoucho9]

I would like to say a MASSIVE thank you for all the positive comments in this thread. I can't even put into words what it means to me. Hopefully people can really see I genuienly am attempting to address my past issues and learn from them, long with moving forwards from them.

As already said I do not shy away from the fact many times in the past I have been a negative person, from whitch i try to improve myself each day. Which as as society is all any of us can do.


But pelple change and are calable of becoming the the best verisioms of themselves they can be

 

[fastandbulbous]

So I'm quite new to posting in this part of the forum. But I have been doing some self reflection recently and figured it was worth a post.

In my late teens and early 20's, I used to go clubbing. So it was quite easy to wind up stumbling into females in the club.

Recently, it's been 3 years since I had a serious relationship. Sure I have had a couple of non serious girlfriends in that space of time. To be honest though, I only got with them because I was on drugs at the time. And since my last serious relationship, I really feel like I don't want another one the same. So I'm essentially just messing people around. As I know from the get go I'm not really interested long term and it won't last. Usually the second I see any negative character traits it just becomes a case of me trying to distance myself as quickly as possible.

My last serious relationship was from 2018 to 2021. Initially I did like her and want to be with her. She was pretty and sound to chill with. We were both heavy stoners at the time. I hadn't been seeing her for more than a month when she took a seizure in my house. On reflection I really wish that never happened as being the naive fool I was at the time, that made me feel sorry for her.

As time developed I met her family. Her mother was an ex heroin addict who abannoned her kids for 10 years while she was fucked up. Her father was an old oil worker who liked to drink and could be aggressive at times. Both were quite judging and unhelpful. I started to realise the family wasn't really for me.
Also by this stage I was starting to realise she didn't really do much apart from smoke alot of weed. I started taking her to the gym with me and showing her basic workouts and stuff. But around the house she wouldn't really pitch in and help much.

Despite having my doubts about some stuff I guess I just wanted somebody of my own. We got a flat together and things were good for a brief while. Eventually she got a job and started working. But every morning there would be tears and tantrums before work. It was like every day I'd start my day on the back foot in a bad mood stressed out cos of it. I'd drive her to work then crack on with what I had to do myself.
It wasn't long before these morning episodes stirred up a reaction in me. And she could tell I was no longer feeling the same about things I guess (it's easy for me to say this now, at the time I don't think I understood myself).

Eventually this rift caused my drug use to increase. She had problems with benzos when I met her. Which I did help with. But now it was my turn to run into troubles. I was taking too many valium and sneaking round the corner to buy crack when I said I was going for a smoke with mates etc. I just needed a break from the stress. I will admit there were times I was definitely no angel and a complete dickhead for lying about stuff. I just wasn't happy and tried to mask everything which ended up with me really fucking myself up.

In the end she didn't trust me. And I moved out. We were still speaking and there was love between us. I would come back for a few weeks, then leave for a few weeks. Like a revolving door. We would stop talking. Then start again. Then we were back to square one.

Now I should mention during the whole relationship from day one. Before I ever gave her reason to doubt me in any way. She never trusted me around any of my female friends. To the point that over time I stopped speaking to most of them. As it caused me so much headache it wasn't worth it. Worst decision ever as I lost some great friends because of this.

Well the next thing. I find out as we were having a 'cooling off period', she's been fucking one of my friends she met when we were together in our flat lol. And removed my name from the tenancy while still being all cute with me calling me every night etc. Telling me I better not be with other girls. This sent me crazy with rage. How could she? I spiralled into worse and worse levels of drinking, cocaine addiction and valium use. I had a couple of near death incidents around this time like a head on car crash at 70mph I somehow walked out of with only a burst eardrum. And drug binges that at points I was in a real bad way. On reflection now I can say I did this to myself cos I was hurting. I'll be honest enough to say when I spoke to her I gave her a tonne of abuse, then never spoke to her again. After all her insecurities and all the times I had to reassure her how could she do that? The most false person I've ever met.

Yet it gets worse. Since then she has been with 4 of my friends who she met in our house lol. Told them all sorts of complete shit about me. To the point they are no longer my friends. I even caught a sucker punch off one of them when I wasn't looking while on a session in his house lol. Not that it did any damage. But I'm sure her input would be the main reason he thought to do that.
My other friend, who is actually my friend also told me other people who used to come round and smoke weed with me. Now are all over her social media like their best mates. And I've heard they been slagging me off. Not that I really care about that, as they are really not too bright and live a life of crime, in and out of prison etc. Basically they actually are what her and her family seem to make out I was.

This post is not me looking for sympathy. As I say I was definitely for sure a toxic person myself at one stage because of the relationship. However my issue is, since her, I don't trust anyone. I know full well that the time I found out about would not be the first time she had cheated on me. And she was not someone I had expected would bare face lie to me like that.

In addition to the lack of faith I now have in others because of her. I also saw what alot of my mates at the time were like. They know all this happened yet continue to be buddies with her. Which they can do what they like but the way I see it, there's no loyalties there and they 100% would pass information back about me. Probably tell her I'm on drugs etc. So not real friends. Although again, in many cases this should have been recognised years ago from their actions before I ever met her.

As such I no longer have any social media anymore. Which given these circumstances I dare say most could understand. Like I said earlier in this post, during my 20's I was a regular goer to the local clubs. So could meet females there. For the last 2-3 years all the relationships I've had have just come from my relapses. Then when I sober up I just fuck them off cos it's not for me. Not to say some of them weren't attractive. But their lifestyles just weren't compatable with who I see myself as/would like to be moving forwards.

Now I'm at this point where I'm in my early 30's, I've had to write off a large number of friends. Ditched all social media apps. I have finally gained the upperhand and some control over my drug use. I am living much better and far less stressed than I was. Yet still having a relationship with someone, or even finding any women for the first time in my life is quite difficult. I guess I need a new friend circle. But I am so much more self aware now there's a handful of people I've been friends with for years and have been loyal to me, that I want to hang with. Beyond that I'm quick to spot anyones motives and underhanded behavior puts me off immediately.

I wonder what I can do to work around this? I'd like to meet a nice girl who has her shit in order, isn't clingy/needy (as I don't want my entire life to be consumed by someone elses needs ever again), and has something going for her. I recognise to attract this you have to project the same. I have applied for courses and am working towards attempting to open my own business. And I am very mindful of my own behavior now. I no longer use drugs which previously contributed to toxic behaviors, or drink alcohol anymore. I meditate and exercise most days. And eat healthy. Spend time looking after my families needs etc. Yet it feels like I am destined to be single now as I just can't find anyone compatible with what I'm looking for personality/intelligenince wise around here.

Anyone else been through similar that could give me advice it would be appreciated.

Sorry if I don't reply to all posts. As much as I would enjoy a good reply. I needed to type this out to fully process my issues myself.

After my breakup from my ex, I had about 8 years on my own (non serious relationships), but after my heart attack, I met someone at cardiac rehab, who stated he had a friend who was in a toxic relationship and arranged to meet her on a night out. She turned out to be 'practically perfect in every way' (yes I know, but I do like 'Mary Poppins'!). She had problems with her family, but was a total breath of fresh air.
Anyway I ended up marrying her, so what I'm saying is don't give up, fate will make sure you meet the right person, when you're ready.

 

[garygroundwork]

fuck relationships are hard

work on yourself pal, don't chase it and things will come your way

you don't c it now but u will in the future.... its a good thing it didn't work, she sounds toxic as fuck

I swear social media has fucked women up

 

[Burnt Offerings]

Damn bro sorry your ladyfriend screwed you over like that

Regarding the trust issue, I wouldn’t worry about that too much. Actions speak louder than words. Once you’re with someone who treats you right you can learn to trust again

Some of it may be a blessing in disguise, i.e. nuking your social media lol

 

[axe battler]

So I'm quite new to posting in this part of the forum. But I have been doing some self reflection recently and figured it was worth a post.

In my late teens and early 20's, I used to go clubbing. So it was quite easy to wind up stumbling into females in the club.

Recently, it's been 3 years since I had a serious relationship. Sure I have had a couple of non serious girlfriends in that space of time. To be honest though, I only got with them because I was on drugs at the time. And since my last serious relationship, I really feel like I don't want another one the same. So I'm essentially just messing people around. As I know from the get go I'm not really interested long term and it won't last. Usually the second I see any negative character traits it just becomes a case of me trying to distance myself as quickly as possible.

My last serious relationship was from 2018 to 2021. Initially I did like her and want to be with her. She was pretty and sound to chill with. We were both heavy stoners at the time. I hadn't been seeing her for more than a month when she took a seizure in my house. On reflection I really wish that never happened as being the naive fool I was at the time, that made me feel sorry for her.

As time developed I met her family. Her mother was an ex heroin addict who abannoned her kids for 10 years while she was fucked up. Her father was an old oil worker who liked to drink and could be aggressive at times. Both were quite judging and unhelpful. I started to realise the family wasn't really for me.
Also by this stage I was starting to realise she didn't really do much apart from smoke alot of weed. I started taking her to the gym with me and showing her basic workouts and stuff. But around the house she wouldn't really pitch in and help much.

Despite having my doubts about some stuff I guess I just wanted somebody of my own. We got a flat together and things were good for a brief while. Eventually she got a job and started working. But every morning there would be tears and tantrums before work. It was like every day I'd start my day on the back foot in a bad mood stressed out cos of it. I'd drive her to work then crack on with what I had to do myself.
It wasn't long before these morning episodes stirred up a reaction in me. And she could tell I was no longer feeling the same about things I guess (it's easy for me to say this now, at the time I don't think I understood myself).

Eventually this rift caused my drug use to increase. She had problems with benzos when I met her. Which I did help with. But now it was my turn to run into troubles. I was taking too many valium and sneaking round the corner to buy crack when I said I was going for a smoke with mates etc. I just needed a break from the stress. I will admit there were times I was definitely no angel and a complete dickhead for lying about stuff. I just wasn't happy and tried to mask everything which ended up with me really fucking myself up.

In the end she didn't trust me. And I moved out. We were still speaking and there was love between us. I would come back for a few weeks, then leave for a few weeks. Like a revolving door. We would stop talking. Then start again. Then we were back to square one.

Now I should mention during the whole relationship from day one. Before I ever gave her reason to doubt me in any way. She never trusted me around any of my female friends. To the point that over time I stopped speaking to most of them. As it caused me so much headache it wasn't worth it. Worst decision ever as I lost some great friends because of this.

Well the next thing. I find out as we were having a 'cooling off period', she's been fucking one of my friends she met when we were together in our flat lol. And removed my name from the tenancy while still being all cute with me calling me every night etc. Telling me I better not be with other girls. This sent me crazy with rage. How could she? I spiralled into worse and worse levels of drinking, cocaine addiction and valium use. I had a couple of near death incidents around this time like a head on car crash at 70mph I somehow walked out of with only a burst eardrum. And drug binges that at points I was in a real bad way. On reflection now I can say I did this to myself cos I was hurting. I'll be honest enough to say when I spoke to her I gave her a tonne of abuse, then never spoke to her again. After all her insecurities and all the times I had to reassure her how could she do that? The most false person I've ever met.

Yet it gets worse. Since then she has been with 4 of my friends who she met in our house lol. Told them all sorts of complete shit about me. To the point they are no longer my friends. I even caught a sucker punch off one of them when I wasn't looking while on a session in his house lol. Not that it did any damage. But I'm sure her input would be the main reason he thought to do that.
My other friend, who is actually my friend also told me other people who used to come round and smoke weed with me. Now are all over her social media like their best mates. And I've heard they been slagging me off. Not that I really care about that, as they are really not too bright and live a life of crime, in and out of prison etc. Basically they actually are what her and her family seem to make out I was.

This post is not me looking for sympathy. As I say I was definitely for sure a toxic person myself at one stage because of the relationship. However my issue is, since her, I don't trust anyone. I know full well that the time I found out about would not be the first time she had cheated on me. And she was not someone I had expected would bare face lie to me like that.

In addition to the lack of faith I now have in others because of her. I also saw what alot of my mates at the time were like. They know all this happened yet continue to be buddies with her. Which they can do what they like but the way I see it, there's no loyalties there and they 100% would pass information back about me. Probably tell her I'm on drugs etc. So not real friends. Although again, in many cases this should have been recognised years ago from their actions before I ever met her.

As such I no longer have any social media anymore. Which given these circumstances I dare say most could understand. Like I said earlier in this post, during my 20's I was a regular goer to the local clubs. So could meet females there. For the last 2-3 years all the relationships I've had have just come from my relapses. Then when I sober up I just fuck them off cos it's not for me. Not to say some of them weren't attractive. But their lifestyles just weren't compatable with who I see myself as/would like to be moving forwards.

Now I'm at this point where I'm in my early 30's, I've had to write off a large number of friends. Ditched all social media apps. I have finally gained the upperhand and some control over my drug use. I am living much better and far less stressed than I was. Yet still having a relationship with someone, or even finding any women for the first time in my life is quite difficult. I guess I need a new friend circle. But I am so much more self aware now there's a handful of people I've been friends with for years and have been loyal to me, that I want to hang with. Beyond that I'm quick to spot anyones motives and underhanded behavior puts me off immediately.

I wonder what I can do to work around this? I'd like to meet a nice girl who has her shit in order, isn't clingy/needy (as I don't want my entire life to be consumed by someone elses needs ever again), and has something going for her. I recognise to attract this you have to project the same. I have applied for courses and am working towards attempting to open my own business. And I am very mindful of my own behavior now. I no longer use drugs which previously contributed to toxic behaviors, or drink alcohol anymore. I meditate and exercise most days. And eat healthy. Spend time looking after my families needs etc. Yet it feels like I am destined to be single now as I just can't find anyone compatible with what I'm looking for personality/intelligenince wise around here.

Anyone else been through similar that could give me advice it would be appreciated.

Sorry if I don't reply to all posts. As much as I would enjoy a good reply. I needed to type this out to fully process my issues myself.

Sounds like those dudes wren't your friends to begin with really#, or maybe she is a really talented (for lack of a better word) sociopath.

Fuck her and your ex friends, mate. It sounds like youre a really outgoing person, who is doing all the right things: learning a new skill to start a business potentially, quitting the hard drugs, and you work out quite regularly IIRC - as well as being good for your mental health, you'll look sexy for the ladies.

I'm recently single so I'm a little worried bout what's to come, but fuck that. I think guys like yourself should have no problems. I need to work on myself before worrying about a woman, but all in good time.

Good luck, my friend.

 

[Foreigner]

It sounds like you have made significant progress in your 30s. Often when we reach milestones, we feel good briefly, and then forget about it. In today's world, we don't have enough rituals to celebrate milestones. They often go by uncelebrated. I think it's important to take a moment to acknowledge all the good work you've already put in toward bettering yourself because it's not insignificant or unimportant.

This is all to say, I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Although you are romantically lonely, you are building a solid foundation for yourself that will lead to better relationships.

If it's any consolation, it was my late 30s (almost 40) when I met my life partner. By then I had given up. I had so many disappointing, abusive, bullshit relationship experiences that I decided it could never work between myself and another. You may respond with, "Well at least you had opportunities." The truth is, quantity does not trump quality. It just takes meeting one right person for the wheels to turn.

I know how hard it is. When you've had a shit relationship (or several) and yet have never had a really good relationship, you don't have a template of "what works" to draw upon as the standard you need to look for. All you have is evidence of things going wrong. Even so, you have to somehow go deep within yourself and draw upon faith that just because it didn't work in the past doesn't mean it can't work in the future. It's so hard for our brains to get this, but it's the truth.

I guess the truth is... the unwillingness of the heart to be broken is a sign of a broken heart. Maybe you just need more time. You have to be willing to risk pain to love and if you're not there yet then maybe just be with yourself right now.

I do think that you have some pretty lousy characters in your life though. That's not helping.