I have a bad attitude. I need to need to want to quit. Convince me.

[itsok]

So, I've been an opiate addict (8 years on iv h) for about 10 years. I have gotten arrested a couple times, went to the er, did a few rehabs, lost a few jobs, had to quit school, lost friends, was suicidal, wrecked lots of cars, got broke, disappointed family/friends/partners, etc...

i gone from being an all-out junkie, to a chipper, but chipping got me fired recently, so i decided to get on MMT.

im on methadone now for my second time. i finally am patching my life back together. But now, i feel like after my random urine screen this week, i wanna use h. then after 3 days ill be clean and all will be good. I cant raise my dose bc the done makes me sleepy and i'm afraid ill get fired from my internship, so im only on 40mgs.

the craving to use comes and goes. its just that im not convinced that using once is gonna kill me or have disasterous consequences, especially if i plan and use wisely (timing wise and safety wise).

i know i shouldn't be thinking like this, right? but i can't seem to shake off the idea that once in a while isn't all that terrible. i mean, im doing better than before. im rationalizing and im having a hard time not convincing myself that using once will feel so good and that i wont jeopardize anything.

Im thinking about it more and more and i feel like im wasting away thinking about using. and if it's not h, then i wanna use mxe or something. im not used to being soo sober for so many weeks (its been like a month of nothing but methadone) and like chipping occasionally for a little over a half year. I fail to see the point in life if im sober for this long!!! i know i sound pathetic.

 

[badfish45]

Well rather than safety and death issues (which believe me it WILL kill you if you continue use, look at the threads of people talking about somebody they were with taking a normal dose and then nodding out and dying because their respiration shut down), don't you want to be free of a substance ruling your life? Do you not find it suffocating that a piece of brown tar is what you center your whole life around? It sounds like you've been in rehab before, but you had ONE fatal flaw that made it fail. Your attitude. You have no want to quit right now, you don't feel like YOU have a reason. You can't quit a drug for other people, believe me I tried that and after 2 weeks I just laughed. Don't make up a reason, find a reason that you honestly care about that will make you feel that drug usage is not worth your time, and you are better than a needle. The number one rule of quitting is that you cannot quit for other people. Just keep that in mind.

 

[swmo]

So, I've been an opiate addict (8 years on iv h) for about 10 years. I have gotten arrested a couple times, went to the er, did a few rehabs, lost a few jobs, had to quit school, lost friends, was suicidal, wrecked lots of cars, got broke, disappointed family/friends/partners, etc....

& those aren't enough reasons to quit? convince you? not to sound harsh, but you've got to convince yourself. i got convinced when i lost the fingers of my left hand.

 

[Bojangles69]

Thats the most interesting thing about drug addiction is we expect a shitty life just by using drugs all the time so when a shitty life happens its rarely ever enough to stop us from using.

Losing fingers on a hand would have a serious impact on my use I could say that for sure. Thats fucked up and sorry you had to go through that.

For me its more that I dream a lot when I'm not talking to people. I dream all day long really. I always see myself in my own head at future dates of time and have always had one reappearing situation where I'm an old man on a rocking chair just waiting to die. And I question in my head will that old man be regretful and sad about the life he lived or happy and at peace with himself?

Its never about using once for me its about the fact of WHY THE FUCK do I EVEN HAVE TO THINK about drugs. Never mind if I will die or not. I don't really care about that. I get fucked amp'd up when I notice that I'm just thinking or obsessing about drugs. Like wtf is inside my head after all the bullshit that I've already been through that actually makes me think its ok to keep using?
Oh no big deal I did a 2 year stint in prison and tried to off myself twice... had to drop out of school for a year, pay tons of fines, put so much shit on hold... and now I still don't have a fucking career or a stable life to look forward to. I still have issues waking up even now with a full time job and I still have so many problems being caused by the fact that I have no issues putting things into my body. No respect for my own body. Always thinking drugs are going to be the answer by some crazy fucking twist of reality.

Being a drug addict is like being aware that you're retarded, and can change that you're retarded... but you keep making retarded fucking decision day after day week after week year after year. If that shit does not tell you that there is some deeper mechanism working behind all this shit (definitely don't want to say 'disease' but something is obviously wrong with many of our brains) I don't know what its gonna take for you to realize that.

Drugs are a fucking waste of time. They are literally demons in a pill. You look at that pill and it says to you "I will make you feel fucking awesome, all warm and fuzzy and happy... god you will love the feeling if you just take me". Then you take the pill and your life becomes worse and worse. Like wtf. I wouldn't honestly worry about using one more time. I'd worry about why the hell you are even still thinking about drugs. Catch it before it even goes that far.

 

[maxalfie]

It's not up to other people to convince you to stop using only you can do that.
I know its not easy,I been on methadone for 5 or 6 years now and I still can't convince myself to stop using sometimes.But I do use less as time goes on and I no longer inject.
It may take a while to totally stop all use but you got to keep trying instead of thinking you will never achieve it.
Good luck with things mate and keep trying.

 

[PhrostByte]

I identify with what's been said already. Especially the comment from bojangles' previous post about knowing you're retarded. I know I fucked my life up.. but I still want to get high... I haven't done dope in months but I still want to.. I still get heartbroken every time a relationship doesn't work out for me.. it reminds me I'm human. I don't want to numb the pain anymore... I want to feel all those things we're supposed to feel.

Still.. I can't help but fantasize, even in the hot desert here, about walking through the snow in downtown Bmore and trying to cop some red tops... so that I can feel happy for 4 hours... feel warm for a while... feel at peace for just a moment in time.

 

[itsok]

I do know that im "retarded" and a "slut" in regards to drug intake. It is pathetic that none of my consequences permanently deter me from wanting to use. It is proof about how sick i am. i feel like if i just had a script everything would be fine. then i remember i have a blank script somewhere, but really im not about to commit a crime though it's tempting...

I haven't had such a bad jones in about a month. I have such poor impulse control. I have money in my hand and a 3 hour window. I already saved my clean piss just in case the methadone clinic piss tests me in the next 3 days, which they will. this is the twisted planning and thinking.

I appreciate the time u guys took to write ur comments. Instead of straight copping, i stopped home to read the posts. perhaps if i watch a movie I may just waste my window and not be able to cop anymore. but shit, i wanna use soooo badly and not get caught by the methadone clinic so they dont raise my dose (bc i cant be looking sleepy or l'll get fired again). Arghh! this is sooo frustrating. Its like i do everything "right" for a while then i feel like i wanna feel warm and happy for a reward (even though I pay soooo soooo dearly for that reward that it is so not worth it and even illogical).

Thanks for listening to my ramblings. I really dont know what Im gonna do tonight. I should try to take benzos and pass out and miss my window of copping opportunity and then hope the jonesing stops. I wish I liked alcohol. Then I could just drink my jonesing away.

Im thinking about copping and then waiting until after I get piss tested to use. But i know that is a poor plan given my crappy self-control. Ughhh, if I had never gotten a taste for h then id probably be successful and not a total loser. Plus, its raining and i dont even have a legal license (even though that hasnt stopped me before, Im trying to make better choices). So, is it worth it to not get high and think about it and jones until i sleep?

PhrostByte-- i even fantasize about the whole copping part too, not just the getting high part... I like the drive, the hood, the scene, the vibe, which most normal ppl dont like.

 

[itsok]

hey badfish, i agree i have to quit for myself. i have come to the point where im not into daily use, but now i have to find reasons to not chip. i honestly see no harm in it except for the legality part and getting caught or losing a job. but if i use wisely then won't i be ok. can't i just learn to use smarter?

i wish i had the attitude of never wanting to use again. i need help finding the rationale for not to chip.

 

[itsok]

hey u guys totally helped me. i didnt go cop. i missed my window for the week. I made banana bread and watched tv and emailed a bl friend. Yay! i guess i can stuff myself w banana bread and xanax until i go into a food coma and pass out and tomorrow will be a better day and ill be so busy i hope i wont jones.

 

[OverDone]

I dig that attitude. Tomorrow is another day.

Sometimes we get so comfortable with the familiar (even when what we are familiar with is horrendously painful and full of consequences). The fear and discomfort of change is more scary than what we are accustomed to. We can always change what we are accustomed to though.

The beginning of anything different is always difficult but those beginnings never last. Consistent repetition of new habits will eventually become the new norm. Those old patterns will still be hanging out in the back of your head for quite some time but as time goes by, more and more distance placed between your current patterns and that old lifestyle, that 'old' you will become less and less likely to revert to

(edit: please send banana bread) :D

 

[Missykins]

You cannot cajole, threaten, imprison, or beg a junkie to quit. A junkie quits when they're ready to quit.

I had to hit bottom before I quit. Everyone has their own bottom. Mine involved law enforcement, my family, losing my job, losing the ability to
practice my profession, etc. That was three and one-half years ago and I am STILL living in the fallout.

It sounds to me that you've yet to hit bottom. In NA, we talk about "high bottoms" and "low bottoms." Which would you rather have? Quit now
while you still have a home and your health, or quit later, when you have neither. Because those are your choices.

 

[badfish45]

hey u guys totally helped me. i didnt go cop. i missed my window for the week. I made banana bread and watched tv and emailed a bl friend. Yay! i guess i can stuff myself w banana bread and xanax until i go into a food coma and pass out and tomorrow will be a better day and ill be so busy i hope i wont jones.

That's the attitude

 

[tackyspiral]

i am so glad i saw this i am a iv heroin addict i am living in a 3/4 way house after i checked myself into detox because i wanted to stop and then i lost that feeling i have been caught a couple times now they say you have to want it to stop but i mean i could be dead before that happens i feel backed into a corner i am a junkie sometimes i think that is who and what i am and that will never change it sucks and i am unhappy and sometimes i dont know what the fuck am i doing this for nobody can fix me and i cant seem to find myself and the cravings are bad really bad i have a lot going for me but at the moment its real easy to forget

 

[Legerity]

Sure it is worth going through the craving if you are trying to stop your use. Sounds like you managed to do so It's interesting how a craving can just vanish once enough time passes regardless of how intense it was.

You label yourself with many negative words; you don't have to. Your thoughts seem accurate to me; using once is not likely to kill you. But whether or not using once will kill or harm you isn't really the issue. I've found that the more energy there is to focus on other things the easier it is to find those things that we find engaging and fun. And there are many choices out there!

 

[ScreamingButterfly]

I'm sorry to hear of your struggles, as a former heroin user myself I understand. I'm glad to hear that you got through your craving. Even the people who are committed to their sobriety still get cravings time to time. It's how you handle them that matters and you seem to have done a good job at that. Good luck with everything!

 

[Subdivisions]

You say that once won't kill you. Well, you might be right. But look at it this way...you use today...you get that feeling of satisfaction. But then what about tomorrow? What about the day after that? Everytime you use, you are re-enforcing the thought that life on H/MXE/OPIATES/ETC is the best way to go. This is the problem. You have to learn to live life without that crutch, period. H needs to be totally out of your life, for good. I learned this the hard way. You can't really chip when it comes to opiates man. Even if you could, the risk just isn't worth it. Everyone is different and no one can fix you on these forums...I went through SMART RECOVERY and for me personally, the worksheets where you do the pros/cons of using/not using was a huge help for me. I know sounds lame...but sometimes we don't realize how bad using just here and there is.

Either way, take care of yourself man. You deserve it.

 

[itsok]

so, i slip up a week ago. i didnt get caught (but who cares, i have to do it for myself anyway). i talked to my dr and counselor and they agreed for me to be on adderall again. it helps w my impulse control. so if i jones, and know i have a short window before it goes away, taking an adderall can help me focus on something else. also, i started taking dl-phenylalanine to reduce cravings. i know it is about having positive things in life to replace h and that that takes time.

one thing i hated about living a life of recovery only- being at halfway house, in outpatient, going to meetings, not going to school, or having a job- it was like all i was hearing all day was "i'm sick. im an addict. i will always be and im doomed to fail."

life got better for me as soon as i had some normal activities and normal friends....

 

[DooMMooD]

I think what you need to know is that if you quit and do the work require of you that you WILL HAVE A BETTER LIFE. Simple as that. if you dont believe me whatever but its true and you only need to ask ANY EX ADDICT whether its true or not.

I've met ex addicts at meetings who are in the SHIT FINANCIALLY! They had tons of money when using (somehow, that wasn't me, hah) but now that theyre sober they're fucked financially. and you know what? they say theyve never been happier in their lives than now when they have so little. Sounds like bullshit, but you can just hear it in their voices.

Its just so simple man, ive realized that. if i do whats required of me and am a good, morally respectable, contributing member of society, the universe will give me everything i NEED. I wont always get everything i want, BUT, look at what taking what i wanted got me: a huge drug addiction that made me lie steal and cheat for nothing. I wasn't even getting high at the end anymore, i was just enduring.

And i realized I dont want to "just endure" any longer. i want to live. Simple as that. It took a big wake up call, but once I got that, i CHECKED MYSELF INTO REHAB, and started attending meetings, signing up for outpatient. Everything I NEED TO DO, because if i do what i NEED to do, everythings going tobe ok. If i keep doing what i WANT to do, my lifes going to go no where, i'm going to be sitting in the same room stuck in the same rut crying over poor little me. Well, poor little me dont need that shit anymore.

You need to WANT CHANGE. If youre ok doing what youre doing it wont stop, i'm sorry. But, if youre like me, and was FINALLY FED UP with all the bullshit addiction brings, and all of the SAME EXACT THING day in and day out, then you'll change.

Best of luck to you man.

 

[itsok]

^ hey what if u are fed up w addiction but arent totally happy all the time with doing what u need to do? is that depression or just normal? i hang out because i convince myself it will get better with time. i feel like i have to force myself to do life. i admit that i like escaping reality with drugs. i wasn't ever trying to kill myself, but i wasnt concerned with preserving my life. if i dont like life in general, then why do i need to be concerned with preserving it? i wish i had genuine goals i was excited about, people i truly cared about, and things i loved to do. i feel like it looks like i have all that on the surface but i could easily walk away. i must sound ungrateful, but i am appreciative, but just not finding doing what i need to do that rewarding. im having trouble figuring out what brings pleasure and satisfaction- like i said, im hoping time will heal.

I remember doing what i needed to do for a year and still being not that happy so i relapsed. i finally learned that the hell that comes with daily use isnt worth it. however, drugs still seem to be something i fantasize, which i know isnt what i need to do now.