TDS I hate myself sometimes for being an addict

[bliz62]

I'm going to type this all out because I think I need to...I may never say it all again.
So I haven't been on in a loooong time. Was trying not to do the drugs as much, trying to be more of a partner and parent. And yet, here I am again. Because I just don't know anyone else to talk to about this. I hide my opiate habit and have for years, but I think it's getting to the point where I can't. I use pills, well abuse them. Started as a legit thing, and I DO still have pain issues, but it has evolved into much more than that. I now have to buy them black market...and it kills me what I'm paying. I'm really good at pretending I'm not doing this, not spending our hard earned money on pills to make me feel better. And that's just it. My life *should* make me happy. But sadly, only the pills do...although, do they really? No. But yet, I'm unable to say I'm done. I know one day I could get caught. I know I'm NOT being a good person sometimes, whether it's withdrawal or craving or simply doing the wrong things to get the pills. And yet I don't want to stop. It makes me sit and cry because I'm so fucking stupid to have let myself go this far. I paint this picture of myself and oh man, it's not true...I feel basically like I disgust myself at these low times.
I think that I'm starting to get sloppy, not covering myself well enough, and money's getting much tighter so buying will get harder to conceal...and I know I'll be either outed from my own doing or one day get caught buying. And that makes me hate myself sometimes.
Thanks for letting me vent...I do have a therapist and psychiatrist, but I haven't been able to disclose this stuff to anyone.

 

[spork]

I'm glad you were able to get that off your chest. Did it help any? I have a tendency to keep a lot of my feelings bottled up, but when I do finally let them out (no matter if it's verbally, written, or whatever), I usually at least feel somewhat better.

I think that admitting this here is a good start. I'm wondering if you could tell your partner or maybe a trusted friend or family member about your addiction? Doing so could provide you with a huge amount of support.

 

[lonewolf05]

Thanks for sharing. Sometimes getting your issues off your chest can help immensely.
How long have you been addicted to opiates? Also, what is your preferred method of use?
Suboxone may be a great option if you haven't tried it before. It will be less expensive than buying prescription opiates on the street. Do a slow taper over 4 months.

I know you don't want to hear this but you're never going to be able to live without facing this problem. I wish you the best and good luck!

 

[Sepher]

I do have a therapist and psychiatrist, but I haven't been able to disclose this stuff to anyone.

Hi Bliz. You mean you've not discussed your addiction even with these? I'd think that would be the first thing you should do, see what help they can offer. What do you think would happen if you discussed this with your partner? If it was me and my partner admitted to a problem like this I'd do everything in my power to support them through their attempt to change and address this.

I think you need some support from somewhere, struggling on all by yourself is clearly not working for you, it just feeds the guilt and self-loathing you feel and that pushes you towards your DOC as a means of suppressing that, it's a vicious cycle. You need to find something that will help you break that cycle, telling your partner might be the first step. Have you looked at NA or SMART Recovery, anything like that that might help you put a support network in place?

 

[bliz62]

It did help to type it all out, thanks for "listening" everyone.
That's correct, I've not told my therapist about the addiction. I guess it's been a few years now, and I just eat the pills, I've been fighting the urge to try stronger drugs and stronger methods.
I'm not ready to tell my partner. But I will look into NA...thank you for the advice.

 

[gr33n3y3z]

You are not alone, so many people struggle with opiate addiction including myself (I'm a hardcore user.) You shouldn't keep you're secret bottled up to yourself, it will drive you crazy. Admitting on the internet to many people is one thing. I can tell in your post that its eating at your conscious to get everything off your chest and tell your partner/someone close to you. Admitting to yourself that your are an "addict" is not enough,yes it is a step to realizing you have a problem. If you are as bad as I think you are you need support and outside help.

The hardest thing I have ever done was admitting to close family my s/o that I had a major pill problem, everyone was on my side helping me cope and receive treatment. I was put on suboxone, a wonderful drug for addiction, I had to take piss tests every week. I signed my life away that if I pissed dirty I would go to court and face charges. That shit kept me clean. But you have to stick with. Unfortunately I relapsed I will be going back on the suboxone this month, and I will stick with it even if it means I'm on it until my dying day. I think about my liver (24 years old) I have a three year old son I love him dearly I want to be alive for him for as long as possible. My short story.

Thank you for sharing, your brave and strong, and sound like a loving father/lover. You can get through this. It's mind over matter.

Best of luck to you

P.S don't hate yourself

 

[herbavore]

The worst thing that happens with addiction is the self blame and self hatred. It is a snake eating its tail. There are many many paths that might lead to addiction--adventure, curiosity, self-medication, chronic pain, just doing what everyone else around is doing--but there is one thing that clamps the jaws tighter and that is the growing cycle of self hatred/use/more self-hatred/more use on and on, deeper and deeper. Make that your priority. The secret keeping is just a function of the self hatred. You think you cannot possibly face the judgment of others if they "knew". But it is really your own judgment you need to stand up to. It is so hard but it is possible to retrain your mind. I hope that you can get the courage to tell your therapist at least. That could be one small step to take if the others (your family) feel too horrifying. Let your therapist help you with strategies. You are not a bad person for having an addiction.

 

[ArtVandalay]

I kept my opiate addiction a secret for too many years. I couldn't face my family finding out- I thought my life would end. But amazingly, my family supported my recovery. Mind you, it took a long time to get back on good terms with everyone. And I did lose quite a bit in the process. But I've come out the other side a substantially better person, and I feel so much better- physically, emotionally, spiritually. It's a long, tough rocky road ahead of you, I wish you the best of luck!