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i hate myself so much it burns inside

N

Need4speed

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 23, 2011
Messages
440
theres no way else to describe this feeling

im almost 40 years old still renting a shitty basement apartment that i cant even manage to keep organized, my stuff is scattered on the floor everywhere and the smell is getting more atrocious by the day since its so damn and the pipes for the building explode from time to time leaving severe water damage that has never dried

the kicker is i have blown through all my savings within the last 2 months and all i have to show for it macbook air laptop

i carelessly burned through 20k in under 60 days and now all i have $433.00 to my name

im so frustrated that my insides burn with hatred
 
Shit man I know the feeling bro. I blew through 20k I hit on a scratcher in like 6 mths on ecstasy about a decade ago. It's a hollow feeling man. Just try to keep ur mind busy with other things so u don't think about it as much bro. There's not much u can so about it man, it's long gone already so fuck it. Personally I just took it as a lesson learned. At least u got the Mac! Hey it's something. Now just put your mind to getting the fuck outta that apartment that u loath. I've been there too unfortunately. Surrounding play into depression big time IMO/ime. My state of mind greatly improved when Ioved outta my hell hole and now a buddy and I split a real nice place. Maybe u could team up with afriend and rent a proper ace too bro. It makes it much easier to split it 2 or 3 ways that way u can still afford to catch a buzz or just do ur thing in general. Sry I couldn't be of more help. I've been where ur at though and just figured I should post my experience during a similiar situation. Good luck and god bless brother...don't let it eat u up man, it's only money,..
 
Need4speed said:
im at the end of my rope
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it sucks man I know. What about the people in your life, family or friends? I know people like us don't always have others in our lives but if u do maybe u can confide in them. I believe that everything that happens in this world happens for a reason. Maybe u needed to learn that lesson for something that's gonna happen later on in ur life. That's how I try to look at things, and I'm the most miserable , negative piece of shit that you've ever had the unprivilege of chatting with trust me lol. Try to make the bad shit into good shit by using it to motivate u. You can get it all back bro, it's not hopeless. God has a way of not giving us more than we can handle, take the lesson and use it to better yourself. Do what u gotta do to be happy, who cares wtf it is bro, u gotta be happy with yourself. I've been there bro and wallowing in shame and self hatred doesn't get u anywhere. There's a plan put down for all of us and everything that is was meant to be, all we can do is try to change our future because the past is gone so fuck it, just fuck it dude! Can't do shit about it now but move on and show improve brother...
 
Well if it makes you feel any better, I only have about 500 dollars to my name as well! :)

I deal with self-loathing a lot as well. It's tough...just because you know that (intellectually) you shouldn't hate yourself doesn't make the feeling go away. Then I think "well I'm just a piece of shit anyway, I may as well go get high and lock myself in a room forever". Which only intensifies the self hate. It's a vicious cycle.
 
Way|0st said:
WHATS got you down man. substance abuse?

most of the dudes who follow me around on the forum are still living in their moms basement so you're doing better than a lot here.
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I also have had this experience with people living at their parents' home.

I am moving this to the dark side.
 
N4S, I am so distressed to hear the amount of despair in your post. I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, even sorrier that you are turning circumstances in on yourself. There is a huge distinction--a life or death distinction-- to be made between responsibility for one's choices and actions and hating oneself for them. We all take wrong turns, make choices that may be bad or good in the long run but who can know at the time? drug use and drug abuse does not happen in a vacuum. There was a reason--maybe as innocent as adventure and experimentation, maybe escapist from unbearable psychic pain, maybe just fitting in with those around you. Whatever it was initially, there is no need to let those past decisions rule your life forever. perhaps it was self-hatred way back at the beginning and now you are coming face to face with the fact that you can only change that internally, nothing external will do the trick other than momentarily.

Your apartment does sound depressing but maybe a good way to signal to yourself that you are not powerless (depression and despair will argue with that in your head but don't accept their voices). Clean up. get rid of everything except what you really need or value. Call the health department about the leaking pipes and let them know that you do not want to be identified. look everyday online and elsewhere for a new place to live. sometimes the smallest step on a new path is the hardest to take--all that uncertainty! But once you have taken it, you are on the new path and things are clearer.

Are you involved in any way with social services in your area? If so, ask for help. let them know what you want help for--addiction? Life skills? Therapy? Self hatred will convince you that no one cares. People do but they are few and far between and it takes active looking. I know how hard this may seem when you are feeling so distraught but I would encourage you to make a few calls and see if you can get someone to help you. And keep posting here. This is a caring community and many people either have been or still are where you are. We can help each other so much just by listening and speaking our minds. I've seen you reach out to others and I hope you know that you are valued here for who you are.<3
 
I think there are lots of people on this forum who can relate and empathize with your story! I often think about the choices I made financially and how foolish they were, but you know what? You can totally build it all back and you always have a second chance as long as you're alive! I was worried about my finances when I first got clean so I got two jobs in addition to running a business. It sucks, but I feel good knowing I am making money and DOING something about being so stupid and blowing all my savings. Will I ever be where I was before? Probably not and it doesnt matter. But you can get it all back.

Start small - do you work? Can you find a friend to go in on a better place with? Can you get public assistance like Herb said? It does suck to make the effort but once the ball gets rolling at least you will feel empowered instead of so helpless and that will alleviate some of the self hatred.
 
The only thing that is important to you right now is to make a resolution to do better.
I've been trying to save up to buy a mac for a year now lol. Money comes and goes. All you have to do is hold on to that few bucks you do have, maybe do something positive and clean your house up! Home is where you make it. It could be worse. It could always be worse. You could be in a cell, you could not be here at all! I know the exact feeling you have. I must say though that however bad things seem you definitely have the power to do something about it.
Money comes and goes, I promise you that. I'm sure there are positive aspects to you that are worth more than all the money in the world. Just stay out of trouble, pick up around the house, and stay positive. Things will get better, believe that and look on the bright side. You could have no place to call your own and no macbook to type about it on!
 
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