I hate myself and I want to die

[NOLA]

First off, Im bipolar, have OCD and go through a shit existence just coping with those two issues. Opiates are the only things that quiet the nnoise in my head but after 10+ years now the problems with the drugs are overshadowing the problems with the neurobiological issues. My self esteem is zero. My desire to live a normal life is a farce since a normal life seems beyond my ability. Im lonely and depressed all the time. Ive worked less than 2 of the last three years and contemplate suicide weekly if not more. My parents having to deal with my suicide is the only thing thats kept me alive this long. I dont feel I deserve to be loved for a myriad of reasons and see the future as blackness and empty. Ive at times convinced myself Im demon posessed as I cant imagine any other reason someone would have this shit in their lives.

How do you guys, who are able to comprehend my position, deal with it? To be certain, I WANT TO DIE AND WANT TO DIE RIGHT NOW. Ive spent countless hours trying to figure the best compromise between stopping the pain I live with vs inflicting pain on my family. Ive lost all my freinds from my drug use, cant explain the hell the OCD coupled with bipolar causes for me to anyone who isn in the same boat and the ony solace available (drugs) are now working against me to.

How do you keep moving forward when everything seems hopeless? You can break up with a girlfreind, quit a job, sell your piece of shit car and move to a better girlfreind, job or car. But this is my life/brain/addiction and I cant depart from them without departing completely. My dads a pastor, my mom an angel, my brother and sister upstanding citizens and perfect in every concievable way. My suicide would harm my dads ability to lead his church, not to mention devestate and cause long term issues iwth my family that im not ready to inflict upon them as its not their fault. Burying your own kid isnt the easiest thing to do and especially due to him causing his own death.

What stragegies can I use to keep my head above water when all I want to do is give up and die so I no longer have to live in daily hell. Im 35 and have lived this way for 10 years now. The thought of aonther week let alone another 35 years is unbearable but how do you explain that to your family who cant comprehend within 1% (my brother is a doctor and the only one i can talk to but even he only understands to a 10% degree) what I live with on a daily basis. Just like as a white male Ill never know what its like to be a black female my familiy will never ever be able to understand what its like for me to simply live let alone the efforts it takes just to keep from blowing my head off as its as foreign to them as being a black woman is to me.

I know im not the only one with these things in their lives. I figure if you answer you must still be alive so your advice is of some value. Right now i dont see mysef making it through the weekend.

If your religious please pray for me. If not please tell me what you do to cope. I want to die but i dont want to leave my mom and dad to live the rest of their lives blaming themselves nor living with the hole my death would create.

Please help.

 

[RedLeader]

I understand about the OCD. I have it really bad too. And while a lot of my psychological problems did become more manageable once I got clean/sober, the OCD actually got well worse. Many, many medical people have tried to tell me about "mind-over-matter" solutions to OCD ("If you find yourself doing whatever OCD thing, stop and think Do I really need to do this? Answer, and then realise that you don't have to."), but that would always strike up the Are you serious? If it were that easy, I would have done that ages ago! thoughts. As well, I get nasty physical side-effects/anxiety when I don't satisfy my quirks, and those are no joke and not something that I feel like I can mind-over-matter. People will stare at me because I'm touching objects all around me over and over, looking underneath things, counting to myself, etc. It's horribly embarrassing, but less uncomfortable than the alternative.

What kind of things get your OCD going?

Are you currently on any prescription medications? The only one I've used directly for OCD was Luvox/fluvoxamine, which did help with a lot of the "terror" behind the OCD, but didn't stop me from doing all of the silly things. Still, though, it's something you might want to speak with a doctor about before you decide to do anything rash.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Before you decide to do anything OP, please, please first read this. I rarely pray, but I feel compelled to do so in this case. I will meditate on this as well. My heart, soul and life goes out to you, NOLA

 

[NOLA]

Luvox for OCD, Adderall for ADHD, Seroquel for bipolar, klonopin for sleep/tourettes. My OCD is abnormal in that while, yes, i do count shit, cant have anything be of an even number (HUGE problem when I had a vehicle that had volume settings in numbers as opposed to just turning up or down the dial) etc. my biggest OCD problem by far is intrusive thoughts. Ive literally spent entire nights crying adn beating the walls with my fists because I cant get the image of myself giving Jesus a blow job out of my head. If I werent religious it would have slipped in and slipped out and never been an issue. The shit about OCD with intrusive thoughts is that you have to fully and completely "recognize" them to let the anxiety over it dissipate...but then they come back stronger than before. I feel something akin to ants crawling inside my chest and like my body will literally explode if I dont give in to the thoughts....but the more I give in the more they come back. Luvox helps in that my entire life isnt one big intrusive thought anymore but not to a degree that makes life bearable....just more bearable than without it if that makes sense. Opiates are the only thing that stops them from occuring in the first place. problably the reason I chase the nod of opiates is due to their ability to stop intrusive thoughts altogether.

What gets is going? Hell fi I know. Just looking at me youd never know I had it unless you were there while I was closing my eyes and focusing on the shit in my head in an attempt to make the anxiety go away by acknowledging the thought in the first place. To this day i cant touch my neices because Im afraid Ill rape one of them. Ive never had any desire to rape anyone period and the thought disgusts me but the OCD makes me think I WILL rape my neice so I can only stay away to keep the possibility from happening even though I know I would never rape anyone let alone my brothers 4 year old kid. But knowing I would never do it has nothing to do with the image being lodged in my head. Regular mind over matter bullshit is bullshit in its own right but doesnt apply to my issues since I know of no way to keep the images fom coming into my head in the first place. My solution, after trying all manner of prescribed drugs, marijuana, alcohol etc. was opiates. when Im nodded out I dont think about shit let alone raping my neice.

Theres worse things out there than being a junkie and life without opiates for me is definitely worse than life with them. But now the opiates have gotten out of control and have their own problems such as health issues from shooting up 10x a day, job issues with having to shoot up 4x a day at work, money issues with having to support the habit etc. Truth be known, if i had the money and access Id take being a junkie over being a sober version of me any day because its a hell of a lot easier than dealing with the intrusive thoughts. Problem is the drugs are now taking over.

Add in bipolar and you have an entirely different paradigm to work with. The only time in recent memory I didnt do opiates all day every day was a ten day period where all I did was sit in the recliner and feel zero emotion. No shower, no food, no drugs. the dogs shit all over the floor and went without food cause I couldnt see the point in getting out of the recliner. If cigarettes required getting out of the recliner I didnt smoke. Oddly, I didnt even have any withdrawals that week. Around day 7 it occured to me I hadnt eaten or drank anything in a week, hadnt done drugs in a week, hadnt taken care of my dogs in a week....yet took another three days to get up and deal with any of it.

On two occasions Ive ended up leaving work unannounced, checked into a hotel and stayed there for 3 and 5 days respectfully because it all became so overwhelming i had to get out of the situation and getting fired was the lesser of the two evils. Nobody knew where I was and I turned the phone off and shot up opana and dialudid, in what now seems an obvious passive suicide attempt, in massive doses hoping to close the world around me out until I ran out and went home.

So yeah, the luvox definitely makes me able to "function" though thats a weird word to define considering the wide scope it carries with it. But doesnt do nearly enough to stop the insanity. The drugs filled the gap but now Im so isolated because of them I can discern depression from bipolar from depression from drug use. All I know is Im beyond tired of it all and if I could have found a way out other than suicide I would have by now. Increasing opiate consumption is suicide in and of itself at the point ive reached. I laid out my ID cards, letters to family and contact info for the three other ppl besides family Id think may actually care if I died on the table and shot 40mg opana assuming Id be dead three weeks ago only to wake up 16 hours later even more depressed that I was still alive. WTF?

Im embarrassed, self loathing, full of hate etc but am probably one of the more emotional ppl I know. I cry at sunrises over the beauty of the world, then cry at the report over on OD about anna dying from OC/klonopin, then cry at the thought of the same dose not being able to kill me.

The OCD and bipolar are here to stay. The opiate use appears to be the same. Question is, how the fuck do I turn this shit around since everything I hate about my life will be part of my life until the day I die. My logic tells me the only way to shorten the pain of living wiht things Ill live with until I die is to die....which is where suicide comes in.

I feel fucking stuck here with no way out other than the ultimate ending....but I cry over my mom having to bury her son. If only I could have her spend one day inside my head to know what life is to me then I know she'd be sad to see me go but ultimately happier that I was in a better place. Sadly thats not possible so to add to all the misery of living I have to deal with the knowledge of the misery Ill be causing her.

I dont know what to do but something has to give and has to give soon. 8 years with various psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists etc. have gotten me nowhere save the minor dent luvox put in the OCD. But the idea of living this way with or wihtou opiates is unfathomable to me.

If only I had no family I know what the answer would be. tonight is particulary difficult as far as these things go and im having a hard time offsetting the pain i cause family withthe pain i feel myself. Im ready to die....I just wish i could convey why to my family so they could hurt as little as possible from it. Theyre good people and dont deserve what my death would do to them

 

[NOLA]

Thanks toothpaste...I read that prior to posting. I appreciate it nonetheless

 

[Jabberwocky]

 

[mareseatoats]

NOLA, I'll pray for you.

 

[NOLA]

Thank you maresea...I need it more than i can describe. Ive been in this position MANY times before but this is the worst its been in several years. Note three weeks ago I shot all that opana and was pissed to have survived. Should be a decent indication of how seriously bad it is tonight since its not been this bad in several years though my last "attempt" was less than a month ago.

Im trying desperately to occupy myself by laying on my bed between my two dogs and running all over BL to occupy time hoping this will pass. Ill take any help anyone is willing to throw my way.

God bless you for reading and taking the time to ask the Man upstairs to send some sanity this way. My prayer will include thanks for you and all who have put forth the effort to pray, meditate, throw karma, whathaveyou my way. My prayers alone arent seeming to help as im now down to "Please help me" as any other words are futile and not forthcoming when I attempt to pray for myself.

But i recognize the benefit of prayer even though Im personally in a place im too ashamed/depressed/otherwise unable to ask for more from God than just "help".

 

[RedLeader]

I'll reply in more depth tomorrow, as I'm about to hit the hay (gotta get up really early...). However, I just wanted to commend you on your writing skills and your ability to tell us in a clear way everything you have going on, even if it seems really complicated. I know you just joined BL, but I really do think that you'll be a great fit for The Dark Side (I have a good feeling about you being able to help other people too), and you should let that be one additional reason to keep living for now.

I'm not really a religious person, but I'll keep you in my thoughts. We're all in it together

 

[EyesSizeOfTheMoon]

You're not the only one. My life is complete shit and an utter waste of time in my opinion. What's the point of living if I lost all the people I used to know and only look forward to my next fix? Nothing seems to satisfy me anymore and the depression and loneliness is slowly starting to kill me. It's almost like a default state I have that will never change. Sometimes I feel like I had to grow up too fast and not be able to enjoy life as much as I wanted to. Craving the amusement and joy I see everyone else has is something I would have over any materialism. Life can seem dark and endless a lot of the time, but at least the only thing keeping me alive is the thought that maybe something or someone in the future will help me see that everything is going to be alright. even though it feels like it's not. Whenever I start thinking about how much I loath myself or how shitty my life is/has been, it just seems to make other negative connections and has me sinking lower into my own thoughts. Then it manifests into my life physically, almost like a self fulfilling prophecy. After all these years of telling myself that I couldn't get out of this situation and that nothing will ever change, I realized the only way that I can ever move forward and get what I want out of life is get up, make a list of small goals that I want to complete first, and start being productive. Being home all day only had me laying in bed for a long time doing absolutely nothing. You have to tell yourself that whatever situation you are going through has some way of getting through it. No matter what it is, there is always something you can do about it. Depression happens when you give up, but if you start being active and make It a habit then you will start to think more positively. It's all about the power of perception and will, I've learned. If you view something as negative, then it will be. Drug addiction is something I thought I would never cure until I realized it's all in my head. I realized all I have to do is put down the pills/coke/whatever I was using at the time, and just stay away from it. Of course the cravings are there, but it's not as hard as it sounds. People make it out to seem like its a disease when really it's just an excuse to do more and have people feel sympathetic for you so that you can feel better about it. Nothing should stop you from living the life you've always wanted. Fuck that little voice telling you you that you can't make it through this life without being happy. It's only true if you let it be. It's going to take a little time to realize what I'm trying to say, but hopefully you'll understand that you are just as human as the rest of us and that we all go through some sort of inner conflict with ourselves. Instead of thinking about how life should be perfect all at once just start with the small things and work your way up. I don't know you or you're life story, but I feel like (so far) we share the same feelings and that we're not going through this alone. Addictions/disorders/anything happening in the mind can be overcome with a strong will and perceiving you can overcome the possibility of failing. You think you are a failure then you are one. If you tell yourself you're not, I promise to God you will see how your life starts to give back to you in ways you never thought would happen. I know you will find that strength through that black void and make it out as a new person.

 

[Merkinsey]

I got this from somewhere online:

"We are hurtling through space on a cold rock in a massively empty universe. Every moment of life is a victory against the vacuum. Try to stay on task people. Every second you don't give up you make things better for yourself and for your fellow life forms."

I try to think this way: Being alive as a thinking living being experiencing anything at all is a miracle compared to absolute nothingness.

We all live through suffering and I feel for you. Try to look for a better tomorrow and the smell of Spring. It's not easy but I try.

 

[Jabberwocky]

NOLA, EyesSizeOfTheMoon, thank you both so much for what you have written above. I am very touched. This sound so cheesy, pathetic in a classic sense, but I mean it. In the mass and jumble of words, digits and letters you have posted above, I feel more connected with you, and somehow with myself as well, than I have been in years.

After reading what you have written NOLA and
After reading what you have written EyesSizeOfTheMoon
I feel so much more human, like how I was meant to feel, like myself.

Thank you. Please keep posting.

edit: Merkinsey - Beautiful quote! Very appropriate. Thank you, too.

 

[NOLA]

Thanks Red. Ill probably make it as I have before. Im now starting to realize the futility of it all though. Surviving to tomorrow only means I get to return to the shitty existence that got me to where I am now in the first place so Im not sure why that would be the better option. Either way, until I sort out the family issue or get to a point where the pain Im living in overrides the percieved pain I cause them Ill just continue to hope I get hit by a car somtime in the near future so I can get the best compromise possible.

As to religion, religion isnt a prerequisite for caring. I dont judge anyone based on their religious stance as its not my place. I would feel remiss however as a religious person not to ask for prayer from those who are. Doesnt mean I only want prayers and nothing more. More like I want prayers from those who see the usefulness of prayer, advice from those who see the usefulness of advice, positive energy from those who see the usefulness of positive energy....you see where Im going.

Thanks to all of you regardless. My dogs and I appreciate your help more than you can imagine

 

[Jabberwocky]

Doggies Suffice to say, this makes me smile. I miss my rat terrier and my partners age'd lab...

 

[KAYLA2010]

and hugs to you. As life goes on you will develope more and new skills to deal with life i hope you make it through this tough time. T.O.Y.

To try and help i want to say keep your head up and think positive things will get better and know there are people here thinking about tou and praying for you. You are loved!

Also think positive write note stucky note post them everywhere around yoir house or room and pit on them reminders of why you are an awesome person on the inside and what tou love about yourself and what people love about you.

We are here and you will be missed keep on going. Sending love and hope tou way

To help you close your eyes and imagine your family getting the call of hereing what happened to you. Not just think about it. Just literally play a tape in your head of what they will look like i they ever see or get that call. You could never kill toirself if you literally close your eyes and pcture what your family will go through for the rest of their lives. Everytime think of suicide play this in your head.

I have hope for you! Love and hugs

 

[NOLA]

Not sure if any of you are Tool fans but one line in Stinkfist goes "Ill keep digging, till I feel something". Tool isnt a band for everybody but I listen to them daily. They are a dark band to be certain but unlike Alice in Chains who seem to alternate between glorifying heroin and shining a light on how it ruins your life Tool is a lot more about recognizing the darkness around you and finding a way out of it. Er go the name Tool. In that their music is useful as a tool for whatever you see fit to interpret their lyrics to mean as it applies to your life.

Ive been digging for quite a while now. Im still hoping to feel something.

Toothpaste, i wish I could say I wrote all that to inspire anyone but honestly im grabbing at straws here trying to find any reason NOT to end it all and end it all very soon. The fact its helping you is helping me regardless of my original intent. Thanks for sharing that. It never occured to me that my plea for help would actually help someone else. Im thankful you not only cared enough to read my posts but also that you responded the way you did. That actually helped more than you can imagine.

Eyessizeofmoon: Thank you as well. I understand where your going and while I can put down the drugs I cant put down the intrusiive thoughts that put me on the drug cycle Im on in the first place. That one isnt will power as much as the will to live despite not wanting to. Ill re read your post to make sure i didnt miss anything but I appreciate the response and am thankful for your taking the time to do so. I know deep down Im worthy of love....its surviving my own non drug related demons thats the bigger issue of the two. Opiates help quell the voices so quitting opiates will certainly stop the opiate portion of my issues but as Red mentioned above it actually increases the OCD related portion, or at least in my experience and obviously his it does. Life sucks for some of us. Coping with it means using destructive measures sometimes using the lesser of the two evils analogy. i suppose if I took the drugs out of the equation the will to live despite not wanting to may be easier than doing so while using but it all seems so far off from any semblance of reality that I feel changing the floor mats in my truck would do about the same good at this point. But Ill definitely go over your post again and ponder the possibilities of ANY decrease in the shit storm that my life has become. If I can get a 2% reduction in the shit life I lead by quitting opiates Ill do it. Thats how despreate I am right now. Anything at all beats where I am. I hope and pray that, while acknowledging many of you know where Im coming from, that none of you are actually where I am. I want nothing more than to live a happy and fulfilled life. I just cant picture that in my mind anymore let alone picture myself in that place. What i will do, however, is work on that list you suggested and work on the little things like trying to get back into my art and writing and hope that little by little the things I tossed to the side as being pointless given my situation may provide the tiny hole I need to start wearing away at a hole big enough to escape through. Art and writing were a huge part of my life at one time. Your post makes a lot of sense and those seem like good places to start trying to break out of this as any. Thanks for the encouragement and advice.

 

[NOLA]

Kayla, I have over and over (OCD) which is where me being alive today came from. Not at all trying to devalue your post...just acknowledging Ive done so already. I mentioned in another thread somewhere I have a huge banner hanging in my bedroom stating "YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO LIVE". May be time to supplement it with the suggestions you mentioned.

Thanks for the kind words...

 

[Jabberwocky]

Keep digging. Keep posting.

I'll try and match you, but given the depth and quality of what your started us off with OP, I've got some catching up to do



Like, I wish I could reach out and hug you. REALLY REALLY DO. I've got that smile going that's half way between joyous and I'm-about-to-cry... You've touched me and I cannot thank you enough for it. Really, I can't. But I can try.

You just keep digging/posting.

Psssh... Who doesn't like Maynard Tool

 

[KAYLA2010]

Kayla, I have over and over (OCD) which is where me being alive today came from. Not at all trying to devalue your post...just acknowledging Ive done so already. I mentioned in another thread somewhere I have a huge banner hanging in my bedroom stating "YOU ARE OBLIGATED TO LIVE". May be time to supplement it with the suggestions you mentioned.

Thanks for the kind words...

Its okay im just trying to help in anyway i can ya know hugs and loves ur way hugs hugs hugs

Just know i/we are here for you

I also did not mean you are obligated to live for anyone other than yourself. Live for you and live for the love you will find one day or kids

Be yourself your a great person just keep on going im rooting for you we all are.

Lots of love and hugs magic dust for your pain to disappear

 

[NOLA]

Toothpaste: Im guessing ppl on BL are more familiar with Tool than the general public. Either you get them or you dont and you have to have been in certain dark places to even begin to get them which is why they have a "cult" like following. But yeah, Maynard rocks.

As to the hug...I could sure as shit use one right now so Im gonna hug my dog (he's a 90lb ridgeback) and pretend its you in the event any transcendental time and space distortion could possibly occur allowing an actual hug between you and I to occur. If not, at least I get to hug my dog which he seems to like.

Kayla: I know your trying to help or you wouldnt have posted. I appreciate it TONS and will sticky note my bathroom mirror with notes on WHY Im obligated to live vs simply reminding myself I am. In fact, Ill hug the dog twice....once for tooth and once for you.

I honest to God am feeling better now that when I started this thread several hours ago. i actually sat a shotgun down and turned the computer on when I posted originally. You all cant imagine what a blessing its been to hear the encouragement you've all sent my way. No, Im not suddenly cured, but I dont have any doubts about seeing the sun come up tomorrow anymore and when I started this thread I wasnt sure Id live to see a response let alone another day. All of you are angels in disguise and I thank you for taking the time to help me through this. I know it will come back but Ill have to deal wiht that then. For now Im literally floored by the outpouring of love Ive recieved from total strangers and the complete turn around its caused for me at this moment.

None of my issues have gone away, but through the encouragement you all have shown Ill manage to survive another day to work, yet again, on some sort of solution to my problems that doesnt include the obvious. You can be certain though that when the next urge to end it comes Ill be back here again. This board, specifically you all who have responded in my time of need, have done more to help than I could ever imagine. My family, dogs, and myself appreciate and love all of you for it.