Here’s my 2 cents. And it may be worth exactly that.
Try to realize that there is no user manual for parenthood in general and fatherhood specifically.
It is telling how we have set up elaborate and expensive education systems that can take 2. 3 or even 4 years to inculcate relatively small amounts of knowledge into our children. But there is very little in the way of how to raise a child.
Fathering is like walking into a wood shop or kitchen or chemistry lab with no manuals, no teachers, no diagrams. And then being expected to be able to run a table saw without cutting your fingers off.
It’s trial and error.
I don’t know you or your situation. You could be dealing with a mother fucker. If so I am sorry.
It’s very helpful if your father has a wife who can be there to mediate. But that’s not always possible.
If you are hell bent on sending a message then Father’s Day would be the time to make the greatest splash. But I would advise caution.
It’s so hard to keep calm and think in these situations. You sound young. Young people are so pasionate about everything. As we get older we mellow out, or just get too fucking tired.
The hardest thing for me, as a father, has been to learn that I cannot make my son’s mistakes for him. But I am very lucky as my wife knows how to teach me this law of parenting. I used to think that I could control what types of mistakes my son would make. I said I would only allow him to make non-fatal mistakes. The truth is I can’t control anything.
Fathers see their sons making the same stupid mistakes they did. It’s frustrating and the harder you try to course correct your son the bigger the mistakes get. You end up fighting and you don’t realize it but you are fighting with yourself. But your kid doesn’t know that. All of the self loathing for oneself comes out and it turns into such an ugly thing and usually the kid has no idea what’s going on. The father doesn’t either until it’s too late.
Think about this. We have all been trained to work on personal attributes to put on a resume. Education, experience, work ethic, etc. What do fathers want on their resume. My kid is going to a good school, captain of some stupid sports team, manager at some job.
In the end, I mean the actual end, when we die, or are about to. We don’t give a shit about our resume. We want our eulogy to be, he was a kind man. He was generous, giving, patient, loving, charitable, a good listener, funny, strong. All of the things that are important.
If you send a message on Father’s Day to your dad you are building a resume. And, dealing with a motherfucker, maybe that’s what you should do. But dealing with you average guy, that has a son. That’s not what you should do.
Be the adult. Someone has to. If you can figure out a way to communicate to your dad and do a good job explaining the mistakes he is making you will instantly see it. You watch and his shoulders will drop, his chest will deflate and he will tell you without saying a word that he is sorry for being such an asshole.
Or, maybe you’re the problem. I don’t know. When I was younger I would have fucked over my old man on fathers days. I was an angry kid. I can tell you that I feel like shit for some of the things I did to my rents. Still haven’t made amends.
Good luck.