I fucked up

[cannakush]

As the title says, i fucked up really bad. In the last days i got expelled from my boarding school and i have to live in another place than my home. The reason of my expulsion was my abusive amphetamine use. Since the begining of the year, i have been on amphs pretty much everyday. Mainly in pills, which i sometimes crushed up and snorted. I dont like snorting pills and i have snorted speed in powder form, which is pretty difficult to get where i am now,pills are more popular. And they last longer. I was also smoking weed all day, doing mdma on a weekly basis and did ketamine and percocets more than needed too.

The school never found any evidence of me possessing drugs or being high,but i got snitched for it and that i suposedly did threats and they basically kicked me the fuck out. Now im only 16 and i lost my money, almost all my old friends and most importantly, my mind. Basically my only chance of coming back would be going to detox and showing im clean. The problem is have been sober for 2 days now and every part of my brain wants drugs. Just get high. Anything. And i know i wont be able to abstain forever. Atleast i can smoke cigarettes alot, that obviously helps because withdrawing from that would be really horrible. I get visual hallucinations like objets changing shapes and size,paranoia and anxiety. My ocd got really worst too.

I would like to have any help on what could i do to make my brain understand that i have to be clean for a long time...at least until the 4:20. Im really scared i fucked myself up for real. Never in my life i have been so depressed and i ate alot of shit actually. Now sometimes i lose feeling of some parts of my body and have heartaches in random moments. Anothere thing, last week i double dropped pretty potent speed pills, then smoked a shitloadf of weed and went back to school. I was really high and there was a dance organised by the school and there was a strobe light and trance music. I wanted to be more fucked up so i drank alot of vodka. I had a veryh fast heartrate and arythmia afterwards. For days. And its since then that the physical symptoms are worst. I dont know if someone has been in the same boat or that has helpful ideas, share your experinces....i really wanna get back to normal.

 

[Missykins]

Absolutely we've all been in the same boat.

Basically, you've hit bottom. So what are you going to do about it?

 

[Lolie]

What resources do you have available to you? You mentioned that you have to live out of home, who at this point is legally responsible for your care and your medical treatment especially? Is detox and rehab an option for you or is it out of the question, financially or otherwise?

I'd look to your doctor as your starting point for finding a path from where you are now to "normal", but you need to realise that the actual work involved in that has to come from you. It's going to take time and it's not going to be a linear process.

 

[cannakush]

i live with my grand father now. And i hae and appointment soon at a detoxcenter when they will determine if i will go in for closed or open detox. The problem is i just cant imagine my life whitout drugs. I eat high, sleep high,watch tv high, go uot with friends highat school, basically i did everything high. Obviously sleep high and eat high on weed, but the other things mentioned were on amps and others. Drugs are just the main thing in my life, i dont give a shit about antyhing esle pretty much, xcept for my friends and a girl. But even with them im used to be always high with them.

 

[User Name Here]

Lolie has offered some wonderful suggestions and asked several important questions that need to be answered if you get a chance; that way we can help you a little more.

If you need anyone to talk to, you can contact me. I can give you my information. I have been in your shoes before as I was expelled from a very good boarding and day school when I was 17. I had to repeat my junior year at a rehab/reform school in Vermont and it was, well, quite an experience. Looking back on it, it was pretty awful at the time but I can't say I'm upset that it happened.

Moments like these are when we learn and grow. I hope you seek some help in the form of a therapist and feel better.

 

[User Name Here]

I'm going to add a few things since you replied again.

It definitely feels like you can't imagine life without being high as it is more than likely all you know at this point. However, you really need to get yourself straightened up. You will hate it at first--everyone does--but the positive outweighs the negative by far. It doesn't sound like any of the drugs you are using would put you through serious physical withdrawals should you decide to sober up, but I'm no doctor by a long shot so I can't really say. Just thank god you're not on opiates or benzos, both of which are very dangerous to withdraw from improperly.

Definitely get yourself into a detox facility at the very least. It's smart of you to seek help from a doctor. I know you feel really awful right now but things WILL get better, I promise. I know it seems like this might be all there is but that's not the case. You've pretty much hit bottom in your eyes, yeah? If that's the case, you only have one way to go: up. You deserve it so treat yourself to some help.

 

[S.M.F.G]

Absolutely we've all been in the same boat.

Basically, you've hit bottom. So what are you going to do about it?

Dude im there right now, This is the main question we should be focusing on^
what now??

 

[Lolie]

i live with my grand father now. And i hae and appointment soon at a detoxcenter when they will determine if i will go in for closed or open detox. The problem is i just cant imagine my life whitout drugs. I eat high, sleep high,watch tv high, go uot with friends high, basically i did everything high. Obviously sleep high and eat high on weed, but the other things mentioned were on amps and others. Drugs are just the main thing in my life, i dont give a shit about antyhing esle pretty much, xcept for my friends and a girl. But even with them im used to be always high with them.

Living life high is a learned behaviour to which you've become accustomed. While you can't imagine it yet because you haven't experienced it, you can certainly learn to live and enjoy life without always being high.

We don't so much give up bad habits as replace them with new ones. That's why I'm not a big fan of detox without rehab, because detox alone only removes the drug - it doesn't teach you a new lifestyle. Your old lifestyle has brought with it some pretty shitty consequences. Trying a different lifestyle is not a life long commitment.

Your life will change anyway over the next few years whether you want it to or not simply because young adulthood marks the end of many things and the beginning of others. You have considerable agency over the direction of those changes if you choose to exercise it.

One thing I'd like to add as a parent is that there's not a single time when I've got the "I fucked up" phone call from one of my children that I have perceived their situation as anywhere near as catastrophic as they have - and it wasn't. It just seemed catastrophic to them because they didn't know how to handle it and couldn't foresee a future in which it didn't define them.