I feel stuck, frustrated, and terrified I will relapse.

[dognasher]

I've been clean from Heroin for two months. I have relapsed with IV cocaine a few times. Every time I do it's horrible. I have a child, I have responsibilities, I am broke. My neighbors are dealers. I own my home. There's no way I can move. I am getting on Suboxone next week but that doesn't help with the coke problem. I will die if I don't quit for good. I don't even LIKE it, it's just the cravings literally take over my body and soul.

I never thought I would be grateful to just have a heroin addiction but after being through this shit, I wish I did.

Has anybody dealt with a poly-drug addiction like this? I know with enough time and space it will even itself out but I can't seem to get that far. And the IV coke addiction is super destructive - with heroin I can at least fake it and go to work and seem ok, the coke takes me down hard and fast.


I feel stuck in a pit of temptation, I am terrified, and I just want this to end.

I am getting on Subs next week and I do have to pee test but Im not sure they give a rip if I am high on coke or not.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be normal. I want to be a PTA mom, not a coke fiend. I am really at the end of my rope. I can't take the days of suicidal depression after a run. The other day I could barely get my kid to school. I love her. I love my family. I won't relapse on heroin to ease the comedown either so now it almost seems like everything is worse.

I feel horrible about myself. I feel like a selfish and terrible person. I don't know where to turn.

 

[herbavore]

Hey, dognasher. I'm sorry for your current situation and the feelings you are having. You know in your heart that you are not a terrible person and that it is the addicted brain that makes you make selfish decisions. It's confusing I know because after all, who is in control of that brain? But therein lies the truth--you are still not and addiction most definitely is. Coke is a horrible drug to get away from. I've seen it eat more people in my life than any other--maybe that's because I worked in so many restaurants in the 80's.

What can you do to change this? Sometimes we worry about all the wrong things at the expense of what we really should be looking at. Do you think that it would make a difference to move? If so, is there any way that you could rent out your house and cover the cost of renting an apartment or house in a different area? Have you tried looking to see if you can find a specific recovery group for parents in your area?

Please hang on and know that you can do this. You did it with heroin. Now you have to go all the way and ask yourself if you can learn to face life with all the inherent stress and loneliness that can come with single parenting (or any life, really) without going to a drug for relief. I think you can, but taking that first step into a commitment to do so is the scariest step of all. We are all afraid to fail and the more we tell ourselves we are failures the more we set ourselves up. What if you could start saying, "I'm pretty resilient!" every time you failed at some goal instead of "I'm horrible, just like I always knew I was."?

(())

 

[dognasher]

Thank you so much, herbavore! I am fortunate enough to have a partner to help me with my little one, but of course I twist that around too and make it as if I am just a drain and burden on his life. I think part of the evil cycle is that the coke temporarily relieves some of the lethargy and PAWS symptoms of the heron withdrawal, but in the end just sucks the life out of me. It scares me, because there is way more room for error and a lifelong mistake when you are mixing needles with cocaine, due to the compulsive nature of it. I don't share needles, but I have been known to reuse. And needles and little kids don't really mix in a home. I just feel so bad. I am trying to see the good in it, by looking at the steps I have taken to distance myself from heroin and telling myself that two months is something....but it's rough.

There's a lot of guilt I am dealing with now that I am mostly sober enough to see the fallout of my addiction, and it sometimes drives me to do stupid stuff. I am just really scared. I don't want to lose everything, and sometimes it literally feels as though I am possessed by a demon. It's like its not even me...which is frightening. And I know I am at a bad spot because when I do slip up I go straight to borderline psychosis, which is a sign that things are way out of control. And the comedown is horrible for any shred of self esteem I have left. I feel like drugs have taken away any good that I once had in my spirit. I never really had a problem with cocaine until I started using it in tandem with heroin, and man do I wish I would have never opened that door....

Thank you for the support. I don't see many posts on IV cocaine use around here, which just reassures me that even more so than heroin, there are no old IV cocaine users. They either sober up or they're dead. It scares the crap out of me.

 

[dognasher]

What can you do to change this? Sometimes we worry about all the wrong things at the expense of what we really should be looking at. Do you think that it would make a difference to move? If so, is there any way that you could rent out your house and cover the cost of renting an apartment or house in a different area? Have you tried looking to see if you can find a specific recovery group for parents in your area?


(())

Oh yeah, on this. Moving isn't really an option. I live in Denver and the rents are insane right now - my mortgage is low because I was able to save up and put a ton of money down on my house so I would actually be MORE broke if I rented the house out and moved....but I've thought about it.

The Suboxone program I am entering next week has a mandatory rule that we attend three support groups a week, and I found one that is specifically for women suffering from substance related depression and anxiety. I am very excited to attend this group, because I think I will probably connect with some other moms - I live right in the middle of the city and the hospital that hosts my Sub program is the big inner city hospital so there are lots of resources for mothers. So I hope that will help. I pray that will help. Either way medication alone isn't the answer and I really need to connect with some other addicts.

Here's the rub - when I am on heroin I don't fiend for blow. I am pretty content until my tolerance builds or I get bored of the one drug or whatever. I say that because I am hoping that the Subs sort of trick my brain into feeling somewhat sated for a bit so I can work on my skills and avoid this shitty coke that ruins my life. I dunno. It's a big round and round. I feel like I have spent the whole summer on the outside looking in - I can't enjoy anything. Im white knuckling it. I feel isolated. I don't know how to completely heal. I don't remember how I used to live before. It sucks.

 

[Phil.McKeer]

Hi dognasher! I'm so happy to hear that you're ready to quit and you're motivated! A couple things to keep in mind:

1. Although you report feeling down, it's actually not so bad - you can use that for inspiration. Use those feelings to fuel your desire to turn things around. You can also get inspiration from your responsibility to your children, etc. You can really turn that into a positive. No one is able to quit anything unless they really WANT to, and it sounds like you do.

2. If they're going to test you at the sub doc, make sure you're at least 4-5 days off from having done any cocaine (and drink TONS of water in the days between). If they see other drugs in your urine they may reject you. It is imperative if you want the suboxone script to piss clean when you go in (aside from opioids).

3. Your sub doctor might say you need to be on large doses for huge periods of time. This could not be further from the truth. To illustrate buprenorphine's (the active ingredient in subutex/suboxone) power, when I had a low tolerance I took 4mg of it (half a tablet) and was high as a kite for 48 hours straight and was nodding for about 10 of them. It is STRONG. You don't need to take more than 1 tablet/8mg a day, max. Since you're 2 months off of using any H, I think you can make due with less (like <2mg). You can read up more on this phenomena (over prescription/too high a dose/too long of a duration of maintenance of buprenorphine) here on Bluelight and elsewhere. Just don't get suckered into taking 16mg every day for years or you'll find yourself addicted to buprenorphine and will have a massive new problem on your hands.

4. Here's some inspiration to help you stop IV'ing cocaine - imagine all the cut in there. Everyone in the chain that the coke has gone through has cut it - some with relatively harmless, inert substances, some with nasty crap. You know you don't want that stuff in your veins.

Good luck. We are here for support. You can do it!

 

[cj]

Hey dognasher I am sorry you are going through this! Are you currently physically defendant on opiates? From your post I get the feeling you are not. If that is true then I would really discourage you from getting on subs. Contrary to what sub docs say the withdrawal from sub makes heroin withdrawal seem mild and it lasts a long ass time. Plus most places won't prescribe unless you have opiates in your pee and are in obvious withdrawal. If you are addicted disregard and know that it won't matter what other drugs are in your system at the ntake appointment.

Coke was my first addiction. Like you I had a love hate relationship with it. In that I loved it at first and hated it at the end. The good news is that once I had quit for a couple months the cravings completely went away. I found the addiction to overall be much milder than heroin. Not trying to downplay your pain just trying to give you some hope and reassurance. What I did to quit coke was every time I started craving a line I smoked a bowl of pot. It worked like a charm because pot and coke is a shit combination and the weed made me rational enough to realize I did t really want any coke. Not saying that will be your answer but that's what worked for me.

 

[Cliffy78]

I agree with crimson, after reading ur post I'm confused as to whether or not u are currently using opiates or was ur last usage 2 weeks ago? I also would highly recommend not going on subs if you not currently physically dependant on opiates. That wd is much worse and lasts much longer.
As a child my parents were coke addicts and as my mothers addiction progressed I had to watch her slowly destroy herself and our life. It's hardest on the children. I would have to go to friends houses just to find a meal. I collected cans to buy my school clothes. It was an extremely embarrassing and painful time in my life. I love my mother more than anything in this world and I had to watch her just fall apart both physically and mentally. She was a beautiful woman before the drugs but the coke robbed her of that, it took her teeth, her hair started falling out, it took everything from her. I watches her sell herself to disgusting men that she wouldn't have givin the time of day to before the coke. She even sold my baseball card collection that was worth well over 100k, she sold it for $100. Please just think about the future, and ur children's future. It may not be anywhere near this bad for u now but it's a disease and it will get progressively worse. You don't want to do this to your kids. I used to cry everyday for my mother, I'd pray to god to help her come back to me but she was gone. She's now in a home for the most severely mentally I'll people I've ever seen in my life, all because of coke. Don't make your kids live through this kind of pain, if u can't stop for yourself then do it for your kids. I've never shared this story here before but your post reminded me so much of my mother in the beginning of her addiction that I felt I had to share her story with the hope that maybe, just maybe it might help you, no matter how embarrassing it is for me. Good luck Hun and god bless...

 

[Erikmen]

I've been clean from Heroin for two months. I have relapsed with IV cocaine a few times. Every time I do it's horrible. I have a child, I have responsibilities, I am broke. My neighbors are dealers. I own my home. There's no way I can move. I am getting on Suboxone next week but that doesn't help with the coke problem. I will die if I don't quit for good. I don't even LIKE it, it's just the cravings literally take over my body and soul.

I never thought I would be grateful to just have a heroin addiction but after being through this shit, I wish I did.

Has anybody dealt with a poly-drug addiction like this? I know with enough time and space it will even itself out but I can't seem to get that far. And the IV coke addiction is super destructive - with heroin I can at least fake it and go to work and seem ok, the coke takes me down hard and fast.


I feel stuck in a pit of temptation, I am terrified, and I just want this to end.

I am getting on Subs next week and I do have to pee test but Im not sure they give a rip if I am high on coke or not.

I just don't know what to do. I want to be normal. I want to be a PTA mom, not a coke fiend. I am really at the end of my rope. I can't take the days of suicidal depression after a run. The other day I could barely get my kid to school. I love her. I love my family. I won't relapse on heroin to ease the comedown either so now it almost seems like everything is worse.

I feel horrible about myself. I feel like a selfish and terrible person. I don't know where to turn.

Being off of heroin for 2 months is a very difficult thing to do. I don't think you need subs to continue sober from opiates as it will be much harder to quit it after using it for sometime. That's just a thought I had.

If you've managed keeping heroin away you can do the same with Coke. I have used it for a long time and I can relate to your cravings. I remember hating the paranoia it followed me everytime I did it and how my children used to react from seeing me like that. They didn't know what it was but they knew I was different, not reliable or not present, not at that time.
Afraid most of the times and not feeling myself. You are probably not spontaneous as you would wish to be.

It may never be enough to remind you that our own kids follow our examples and they don't even realize they are just repeating what we do. So I believe that thought and the love you have for them could be the motivation for you to stop. Just think of how harmful that can be for them right now or in the future.

When you say you are craving, remember that craving does not last all day long. You could try to focus on not doing it today or tonight. And if that does not work divide your day in hours and say I won't use it now not for one hour. And keep postponing until this moment until you feel that your craving is mild or even gone. It will come back and you do it again and again.

Remember quitting heroin and how difficult it was. You have the power to stop doing that. I admit that having dealers nearby make it much more difficult but you could consider options like moving to another place and renting your own house.
Anything you'll do in order to keep yourself away from doing it again will be better than continue doing it.
You, your health and your kids are greater than your address or your reasons to keep using.

This coke addiction makes us feel terrible but it does not define who you are. You are the only one who can choose what you may become and you are not terrible, I agree that the coke addiction makes you feel like that.
Think hard about your kids, picture yourself healthy, free and without fear.

Good luck and keep posting. Don't give up. You are greater than this!!
Erik.

 

[dognasher]

wow guys! you are all so very amazing. i'm really sorry the following is so long. i am very emotional right now.

im sorry if i wasnt clear on the opiate thing - i have been on off for two months, i was an everyday user for almost two years. the problem is that i medicate depression with opiates. they are the only thing that has ever worked. and these last two months have just been white knuckling it and being so very miserable. i could not function, i could barely work, i cried every day for most of the day. i know it's most likely paws, but for that very reason i could never make it more than a month or two without relapsing.

that being said, i am on subs now. i have been for a week. it was not an easy decision. i was very reticent, for all the reason you guys wisely stated, but after trying a zillion meds for depression, my psych recommended i try it since i have a dual diagnosis of addiction and depression that has been very treatment resistant. i have to say, this medication has made a world of difference. i am taking 4mg twice a day. i haven't felt this alive in six years. i cried the first day that i took them, because i have not felt like the old me in so long. for the last six years i have been addicted to one opiate or another, gradually sliding into the final frontier of shooting heroin. at the time of my last detox i was doing almost two grams a day. 8(.

i truly feel like the suboxone saved me from hurting myself intentionally or through drugs. i have never been so scared of death, as i have been these last couple months. i can't describe it, it's like my brain has been hijacked by some demonic spirit that only wants me to die. i guess that's what addiction is, in a way...i truly felt like i was going to overdose, lose my family through repeated relapse, lose my business, lose my life.

in the days since starting the subs, i have not had one craving for a needle, for cocaine, or for heroin. i feel normal! i feel hopeful. i am laughing again, running every day (i used to be a marathon runner before i started doing heroin), and i am laughing, fucking, and eating healthy meals again with my fiancee, something we haven't done in so long. i know he is so happy to have me back. i missed him so much and it is great being able to connect with him again now that i am not stuck inside the prison of my own mind...i dunno, they really seem to have made a huge difference for me. i know that coming off of them may be hell, but i am in a really good program at my local hospital where i get the medication for free, have weekly appointments with both a drug addiction counselor and the suboxone doctor, and i have attended a couple addiction recovery groups that are specifically for women suffering from depression and anxiety in addition to addiction. it seems like a comprehensive program where i am not at the whim of some skeezy sub doctor who is charging me crazy amounts of money just to keep me addicted.

i really do hear what you guys are saying though, i am just desperate for a fighting chance to try and get well. and i can't do that if i am constantly shooting cocaine when i can't get heroin, or just shooting heroin, and constantly thinking of hurting myself. most of all, i have to be here for my daughter. she started kindergarten this week. i am no good to her dead. she would never remember anything about me except the fact that her mom died of addiction, and she would always wonder why she wasn't enough to keep me alive. so i think i am going to roll with the suboxone for a bit, and if i have to be on it for a long time, well, i guess that's better than killing myself?

i would love to hear what you guys think. all i know is that i feel a lot better than i did just seven days ago. i hope i make it. i have to make it. i don't ever want to look at a drug again. i know the subs are a drug, legally sanctioned, but i guess it's safer than me risking my life on the street....i don't ever want to feel that frenzy from banging coke all day, being covered in blood, coming down and being suicidal. i don't have another heroin run in me. i can't do the hustle anymore. i just want a fighting chance to beat this depression, which is at the root of my addiction.

thank you again for all the encouraging words. i am so glad i found all of you here, you can't imagine how helpful it has been, to know i am not completely alone. i would love to hear your opinions on my choice.

 

[dognasher]

What I did to quit coke was every time I started craving a line I smoked a bowl of pot. It worked like a charm because pot and coke is a shit combination and the weed made me rational enough to realize I did t really want any coke. Not saying that will be your answer but that's what worked for me.

Crimson, this is so crazy - I have been doing the same thing! Nothing stops a fiend like a bowl of weed. Plus, my fiancee only smokes pot and has the occasional beer, so it's like the one substance we can bond over. It really does work!

 

[Phobicgadfly]

I got on MMT (methadone maintenance) in order to quit black tar heroin after a 7-8 year addiction, and it prevented withdrawal but also blocks the high... so I started injecting cocaine AND heroin. Lost my job a week ago, just finished off the last of my severance check. Don't know how to stop. Just wanted to let you know I'm also in your position. Looking forward to reading the replies on this post.

 

[dognasher]

Phobicgadfly - my heart is with you. I feel great on the subs, for some reason they seem to have nixed the needle fixation, so I've been able to get some space from the cocaine. I am feeling so much better. There is hope - there will be ups and downs, I hope to god this is the last time I have to get clean from drugs. Please PM me if you need to talk - IV cocaine addiction is so awful. I dare say it's worse than just a heroin addiction. I have never felt so out of control from a drug. It really makes you throw all reason out the window. How long have you been IVing coke? I have lost everything to - I am beyond penniless. I am in so much debt, my business is failing. But I am alive. I have to remember that. We can always start over again. Please keep that thought with you. It's never too late as long as you have breath within your body. I feel for you, I really, really do.