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I feel like I'll never be in a relationship.

J

Jimmers203

Greenlighter
Joined
May 15, 2015
Messages
8
I just don't know what I am doing wrong. I am very honest and kind to people, but whenever I try to talk to them, they either ignore me because they're not interested in what I have to say, or they just do everything in their power to shut me up. What's causing this? Am I that much of a horrible person? I am compassionate to people and yet I get absolutely nothing in return. And then when people want to be in my presence, they simply just use me in order to gain something. At this point, I'm just really confused. Am I so bad to people to the point that they want nothing to do with me?
 
My advice, for what it's worth, it's to focus on yourself. You do you - and when you're doing you really fucking well, other people will notice and it won't even be an issue to try and attract people because they will already be attracted to you.

Eat healthy, work out, figure out and pursue your life goals, seek out interesting and novel experiences with other groups of people, and everything will fall into place. Just focus on making yourself happy and be ambitious about creating the future you want to live in.

In my experience it's pretty fruitless to try and find relationships or friendships. Just be yourself in life, have hobbies and interests, be social, talk to people all the time, and when you are confident and happy with yourself other people will seek YOU out.
 
Niceness does not always mean compassionate.

Maybe you're too nice. Maybe you need to get in touch with the fire within you.
 
Jimmers , You might be a smart person but I wouldnt trust myself thinking that I know what everyone else is thinking about me all the time. I learned that lesson for myself. I'm tellin ya... Maybe people don't really feel this way about you and it's in your head.
 
VitamaN said:
Jimmers , You might be a smart person but I wouldnt trust myself thinking that I know what everyone else is thinking about me all the time. I learned that lesson for myself. I'm tellin ya... Maybe people don't really feel this way about you and it's in your head.
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I honestly don't really know that this point. There were a few people in my life that I actually wanted to start a relationship with, and now they just flat out pretend that I don't exist, even when I'm standing next to them. I know that people aren't thinking of me all of the time, but I would like it if I just got at least a little recognition

RhythmSpring said:
Maybe you're too nice. Maybe you need to get in touch with the fire within you.
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But I don't want to be rude to people. Shouting and generally being mean doesn't really accomplish anything and it's a waste of energy. I was at a point in my life where I recognized this, and now I just try my best to be patient and nice to people.
 
Focus on yourself for the time being, improve your self-image and yourself, and keep in mind that relationships take time. Meeting new people will help too. Good luck.

FYI, I used to feel the way you do before I had a relationship, and it's pretty common.
 
PriestTheyCalledHim said:
Focus on yourself for the time being, improve your self-image and yourself, and keep in mind that relationships take time. Meeting new people will help too. Good luck.

FYI, I used to feel the way you do before I had a relationship, and it's pretty common.
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But it gets extremely tiring when you try to put everything in a possible relationship, and yet you get nothing in return. It's happened to me way too many times to count and I still have 0 relationships despite my generous attitude.
 
is this post similar to you in real life? Maybe nobody likes the guy with no self esteem fishing for compliments constantly. its annoying.

"Oh no man I'm sure you're so cool/nice/funny, you're just hanging out with people who can't see it so they're not worth your time."

If not, I don't know what it is. Are you attractive? Do you smell bad? Are you educated/smart? Are you overweight? Are you really short/super tall? Are you weird/talk about things like ponies and video games even though you're 35 years old and all of your peers are just simply more mature?

give us some info on who you are..
 
maybe your "generous attitude" is more like trying too hard?

you don't seem to be comfortable with yourself (been there ;) ), you have to fix that first (done that).
 
I lived with a guy once who made these same complaints. You haven't very thoroughly described your situation, so I'm not sure if this will all apply, but these were his problems (IMHO):


*He was overweight and payed little mind to hygiene. He refused to get any exercise and lived in veritable filth. He smelled a little off, he needed a haircut and a shave (I'm all for long hair and beards, but you should look deliberate to a degree), his room was trashed, his bathroom ought to have been condemned and incinerated.

*He was unambitious and lazy. He worked as a pizza delivery driver and otherwise had no life goals.

*His hobbies were uninteresting and uninviting. He played video games and D & D in his spare time, which is fine, but it certainly wasn't scoring him any puan-tan-tang.

*He had this horribly off-putting self deprecating attitude. He was constantly talking about how he was unlovable and how he wished he was dead.


All of this worked against him in his quest for love. I think he was hoping a woman would come along and fix him. As if some magical lady was going to see something glimmering deep inside of him and actually have the patience and dedication to dig it out of him while nursing him out of his state of self-loathing. Shame was, he was a nice guy. He was sweet and funny and probably quite capable of love, but he really wasn't giving himself a shot.

To him I'd say the following:


*Clean yourself up and consider getting some exercise.

*Keep your shitty job while you look for a better one - free pizza should not be the only deal-breaker when you're negotiating your benefits. Take a class or two. Try and improve yourself and meet other people who are trying to improve themselves.

*Do something with your spare time besides role-playing (or at least figure out some way to leave the house and network through your role-playing). Felicia Day isn't going to read your fan-mail and come running. Take up a social hobby. Take an art class. Take up printmaking.

*Stop acting like you hate yourself. Uselessness is a self-fulfilling prophecy. People get the idea in their head that they're useless, so they give up which in turn makes them useless. (substitute 'useless' with 'unlovable', 'boring', 'uninteresting', 'dimensionless', etc.)
 
Jimmers203 said:
But it gets extremely tiring when you try to put everything in a possible relationship, and yet you get nothing in return. It's happened to me way too many times to count and I still have 0 relationships despite my generous attitude.
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This sticks out to me. What do you mean put everything into a possible relationship but none actually become relationships?

Don't take this wrong but that sound stalker-ish. Like someone who projects what they fantasize to be true on someone. Who usually feels a bit freaked out and puts as much space between you as possible

If you are trying to have a relationship: take it slow. Make a connection first. Then don't seem desperate. Have your own life. Someone will want to be part of it then. Do not cling-- that pushes people away fast. Be a person who knows himself. That draws others.
 
crzydiamond said:
If you are trying to have a relationship: take it slow. Make a connection first. Then don't seem desperate. Have your own life. Someone will want to be part of it then. Do not cling-- that pushes people away fast. Be a person who knows himself. That draws others.
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Words of wisdom.

I sometimes think you have to experience it to learn from it, i did exactly the above with a girl i completely fell for.. ended up forgetting about my own life and clinging to her; even re-arranging my whole schedule to accommodate her. I hated feeling so attached but i just felt totally enveloped with her.. she obviously picked up on this and distanced herself eventually cutting contact, it crushed me in the most spectacular way.. i didn't realize it was possible for emotional pain to be felt so strongly that it surfaced as physical pain.

I do look back on that situation now that i'm older and cringe, but damn did i learn a lot from that single event.
 
@Colonel Contin: Exactly! (Why didn't you tell your friend such things?) I've been to sci-fi conventions, as I used to be a bit of a geek (not a super geek) - and some guys simply don't bathe, maybe in a week or so. But yeah, if you make yourself un-sell-able - then you're causing your own failures.

I went through that "nice phase" in my early 20s. What a waste. But I notice big (okay fat) guys with nice GF... how? Personality, confidence, etc. I also worked out to lose weight (80lbs) and do things to improve my life. It made a difference, getting laid is soooooooooooo (so) easy.

@Jimmers203 : We have questions. Please answer them and it will help...Your problems is vague. As Benwise: Are you overweight, smell bad, looks? Have crappy clothes, etc? Be honest. Nobody knows who you really are. Tell us what you consider your strengths and weaknesses.

1 ) What is your height and weight? Your age (roughly even) Like 18~20? 21~24, etc. Do you wash and wear clean clothes? Lightly use a cologne.
2 ) What is your sexual orientation? Don't be shy. There are straight people, but we obviously have bisexual and gay people here - Most of us don't give a shit. But it will help us to direct you in ways that may help. We assume you are a male. That's it. If you like guys rather than girls - that changes things.
3 ) What do you want in a person you are "in love with"?
4 ) Are you virgin? Even if you are 28yrs old - be honest. The advice we (or I ) would give to an 18yr old would be different for a 38 year old. Yes, there are 40, 50+ year old virgins. In my book, if you're still a virgin at 50+, you will die a virgin.
5 ) Do you drink? Have a drinking or drug problems?

6 ) Learn to go out to club(s) by yourself with ZERO expectations to meeting someone and getting laid. I'm going pretend you are 22 years old (please LET US KNOW) : so dress nicely - look up some clubs with music you may like. Drink no more than 4 beers and do nothing more than people watch all night long.
If anyone starts talking to you (Hi, I'm XYZ - who you are) respond back... be nice. Say you're new and just watching to get the vibe of the place. Even if its a sex or non-attracted-to person.
7 ) Stop expecting that every person you are attracted to, is someone you are going to marry or whatever... you haven't even kiss yet!
8 ) If you can safely get a little drunk - dance. Even if you suck... you could always change clubs. Don't worry - half the other drunks on the floor can't dance worth a shit either - even when sober.
9 ) Be yourself. You want to attract someone who LIKES you for you.
10) Don't plan on any date/whatever to be anything more than a night for fun, with a chance to get laid a few times, if that.
11) If a date bombs. Oh well, try again. Don't be desperate... make the best of ANY date... even if she leaves early (I have a dental appointment - all of the sudden) - then let her go. If you're at a club or bar - enjoy your time. There are other women out there and obviously, she wasn't a keeper. I've had girls cancel dates on me. I still go out and I'll meet someone else to shag. I'm don't wait for SOMEONE else for my life to go forward.
12) Date a lot. Each date is learning experience. They really are. If you feel like you can ask her - call her up and say "I'm very new to dating. I'm not going to bother asking you out for another date. But could you help me out by saying what my issues were?" - thank her for ANY intel she gives you. BTW, if you've have 20 dates under your belt - bullshit and say you are new or she was your 3rd date ever.

Its possible to meet someone and start having sex within a few minutes. Drunk and horny... "Do you wanna fuck?" - actually works some times.

I meet this cute young woman at a club some years ago. I bought her a drink, we danced. Took her to my place for a shag. She one of many of hundred+ women I've had sex with... My expectations is high on getting laid, especially with my hand in her panties while I drive.
We had great sex, we talked. Then we started dating that week. We confessed our love in 10 days. We married 4 weeks after we meet. Yes, everyone was caught off guard on that one. Especially since she was looking for a girl to hookup with, when I bought her a drink.
About 5 years later, kids, house... our love is as strong as that first night we kissed. We talked about our first kiss a few weeks later, and admit that we both had fire-works.
 
I'm precisely the same. The reason I find relationships so difficult to establish and confusing to navigate is because I've an autism spectrum disorder. I don't have a clue about the boundaries of 'small talk', what joke will offend or humor whom, developing a rapport between myself and other people, how much or how little to talk, etc.

I find myself, to an uncomfortable regularity, overbearing people in conversations—talking at them and over them rather than to them and with them. I have difficulties with taking turns in conversations and avoiding interrupting people.

Apart from communicative difficulties, I am ungainly and gawkish; absent-minded and inattentive; stoic and indifferent; callow and socially immature; rude and untactful; obsessed with niceties while oblivious to bigger pictures; nervous and sketchy; eccentric and just plain weird.

By the time of my late teens, I had become indurated by people's impression that I'm simply a thoughtlessly boring and disrespectful asshole, and felt a poignant and depressing sense of ennui about the whole business of making and preserving an interpersonal relationship. I became jaded by the feeling of being an extraterrestrial nobody wants to make contact with.

Once I got to university, things did dramatically change. It seems now that my academic interests—rather than my personality and social skills—attract friends and acquaintances. I much prefer it this way, as I no longer feel compelled to fool with fools for creating my friendships.
 
I think a lot of people feel this way, many people feel alone and unwanted. the world is such a big place and only gets bigger and more anonymous. the only way people feel connections any more is via web like we are doing now but wat u need to see is that, that is ok. being alone sucks it really does but it is ok. it will be ok, u wont be alone forever if u keep doing wat your doing and putting urself out there. be u and dont be worried about how others perceive u because as long as your staying true to yourself then one day someone will see in u wat they see in themselves and neither of u will be lonely any more
 
Raven* said:
hhmmmmm i really cant tell if your being serious
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I mean it, I thought it was poetic.

I was talking to a girl at a party and I felt like I experienced what you were saying. I never find people in real life who think and are interested in lots of the things I'm into, she is about my age and we r on the same level, never shared more than 1 sentence before but conversation was comfortable and effortless, which never happens to me. To be able to look into their eyes and be in entranced while the rest of the world melts away :)
 
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