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I feel at a disadvantage as a male in polyamorous relationships; thoughts?

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Bluuberry

Bluelighter
Joined
Oct 18, 2014
Messages
526
To put it simply, I feel like no matter how attractive I am as a man, my female partners will always have an easier time attracting partners, and will have more to choose from. It seems to me that all a woman has to do is bat her eyes at a potential partner, and if she's even somewhat attractive it's likely she will have his attention. Is this just delusion, insecurity, or conditioning? Or am I correct in thinking that women will basically always have the upper hand when it comes to attraction?

I want to be happy for my partners when they find pleasure in others, but I'm finding it pretty difficult to stay positive about it when I think about how much easier it seems for a woman to fulfill her desires, than it is for me as a man.
 
Most guys will fuck just about anything. Women do have a lot more choice and can afford to be a lot more choosy thats for sure

Perhaps think of it more as quality over quantity when you do get laid.
 
Bluuberry said:
To put it simply, I feel like no matter how attractive I am as a man, my female partners will always have an easier time attracting partners, and will have more to choose from. It seems to me that all a woman has to do is bat her eyes at a potential partner, and if she's even somewhat attractive it's likely she will have his attention. Is this just delusion, insecurity, or conditioning? Or am I correct in thinking that women will basically always have the upper hand when it comes to attraction?

I want to be happy for my partners when they find pleasure in others, but I'm finding it pretty difficult to stay positive about it when I think about how much easier it seems for a woman to fulfill her desires, than it is for me as a man.
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If you feel this way about being in an open relationship, or open marriage tell the woman who you are in the open relationship/marriage with that you now want to be monogamous.
 
Maybe I was unclear. I don't want to be monogamous. I was monogamous for a decade before I realized that I am actually polyamorous, whether I like it or not. I was hoping for other people who are poly to perhaps share their thoughts. I am trying to understand if this is something I can grow past, or perhaps my thinking is just clouded.

It's not really jealousy that I feel. It's the feeling that it may be impossible for me to be as desirable as any of my female partners are. It seems even if I was the embodiment of perfect male attractiveness, any woman who is even remotely attractive would still be more desirable (to others) than myself.
 
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Trust me; you're observing correctly.

Women have the upper hand when it comes to attracting a mate, I personally believe it has much to do with social conditioning; the men pursue the women. This means that a woman has the ability to choose from the men she wants to reciprocate or even break the status quo and make the first move with most men being willing to reciprocate and is treated like an "easy catch"
Why do you think girls who sleep around are talked down about, being called "easy" and "Sluts" and when a man sleeps around he is generally regarded as a stud.

It's fucked up man, but it's true.

I just left my semi-monogamous relationship of 7 years (We experimented with being poly, but she can't handle it properly. Not really why we broke up.) and I've decided that I'm curious about true polyamorous/open relationships. I'm not sure where to begin to be honest =/ The whole dating thing is very alien to me but I am begining to understand that even though I am moderately attractive; I am going to have to modify my behavior towards women if I am to have a chance at intimacy.
 
A lot of women don't know how to flirt or even try and hit on a guy. Women have options because if a guy doesn't make an effort they'd never get laid
 
To put it simply, I feel like no matter how attractive I am as a man, my female partners will always have an easier time attracting partners
Click to expand...

TL;DR this is biology. Polyamory is degenerate and only ends up denigrating and hurting both the male and female "partner," whether each one sees it or not at the time. This is the central problem of the "sexual revolution," sheer hedonism isn't the point of sexual relations, but rather, social order and procreation, anything other than this is bound to create nothing but misery. This is an iron law of human nature.
 
SKL said:
TL;DR this is biology. Polyamory is degenerate and only ends up denigrating and hurting both the male and female "partner," whether each one sees it or not at the time. This is the central problem of the "sexual revolution," sheer hedonism isn't the point of sexual relations, but rather, social order and procreation, anything other than this is bound to create nothing but misery. This is an iron law of human nature.
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It also does this to bisexual and gay men who are obviously the same sex/gender, who get into an open relationship or even an actual menage a trois or other combination like a love triange, square/quad, etc. :\
 
SKL said:
TL;DR this is biology. Polyamory is degenerate and only ends up denigrating and hurting both the male and female "partner," whether each one sees it or not at the time. This is the central problem of the "sexual revolution," sheer hedonism isn't the point of sexual relations, but rather, social order and procreation, anything other than this is bound to create nothing but misery. This is an iron law of human nature.
Click to expand...

I definitely disagree with this viewpoint but I appreciate your input. So far my polyamorous relationships have been less hurtful than my monogamous ones, and certainly more honest and respectful. Polyamory is not about sheer hedonism for me, it's about exploring my needs and desires freely, without allowing someone else to define the boundaries of my love.

I'm not really interested in discussing the ethics of poly though. I'm just curious what others think about the power of men to attract partners vs the power of women to attract partners. I'm especially interested in hearing from others who are/have experience with poly, what they feel about this subject.

One Thousand Words said:
A lot of women don't know how to flirt or even try and hit on a guy. Women have options because if a guy doesn't make an effort they'd never get laid.
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Interesting thought.
 
Considering that its usually the man who asks women "whats you name" "May I buy you a drink" - she only has to say "no" to shut it down... or get the drinks, for the free drinks. Its the same for non poly-people as well, so its really no different.

But IMHO, being honest is usually easier in the long term when talking to her your goals and desires. vs. the player who bullshits about "you're the one" who are then gone after they get hit it and quit it.
 
Bluuberry said:
To put it simply, I feel like no matter how attractive I am as a man, my female partners will always have an easier time attracting partners, and will have more to choose from. It seems to me that all a woman has to do is bat her eyes at a potential partner, and if she's even somewhat attractive it's likely she will have his attention. Is this just delusion, insecurity, or conditioning? Or am I correct in thinking that women will basically always have the upper hand when it comes to attraction?
Click to expand...

It's not a delusion. But just because attractive females have this 'upper hand' doesn't mean they go around sleeping with everyone who wants to be with them. I think it is important to keep that in mind if in poly relationships if you are male. If you want to look at things from a statistical glance, then they are the ones that really have something to worry about since males generally acquire more sexual partners in their lifetime than females.

I want to be happy for my partners when they find pleasure in others, but I'm finding it pretty difficult to stay positive about it when I think about how much easier it seems for a woman to fulfill her desires, than it is for me as a man.
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Hmm, I'd think about the context of those words. I'd say a woman fulfilling her desires is much more difficult than it is for her to get laid. If she desires you, you should try to find it in you to set aside your anxiety.
 
Poly dating kind of sucks in general. You're not pulling from a large pool, regardless of the genders involved. FWIW, I am not male and both my loves are, and they both get more dates than I do. One is a minor celebrity and quite charismatic and gets all kinds of action, in fact. The thing is, it benefits me - he's great fun in bed and always learning new tricks.
I think this is one of the things you have to come to terms with if you want to be poly and happy. You will have partners who have an easier time dating than you, just as you will have partners who are smarter than you, more successful than you, and so forth. Keeping score will make you miserable and poison your relationships. Focus on the joy that your loves add to your life.
 
deano88 said:
Poly means open relationship right?
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It depends. Definitions can vary from person to person. The consensus is "poly" means multiple i.e. multiple partners. However, that doesn't necessarily mean the relationship is open. The people involved in a poly relationship still have exclusivities to the other members of the group. They have as many (if not more) boundaries as a monogamous relationship, the difference being there are more than two people involved with one another.

Open relationships really vary from couple to couple, but it becomes increasingly difficult to call it "open" the more boundaries the couple sets.
 
So you have to work more to get laid, so what? That makes it challenging and gives a greater sense of accomplishment when you succeed. Next to that, it's not a contest, is it? Though, if your wife / girlfriend is having sex with another stranger everynight, there might be something wrong in your relationship, because that's not the goal of a non-monogamous relationship, if I'm not mistaken.
 
@deano88: Poly doesn't mean "open relationship". But poly is in the Open Relationship (OR) group... or non-monogamous.
A poly group can be 2~10 whatever amount of people. They date, they have non-sexual social interactions, they care about the other person as just two people would. Its not easy thou, you're dealing with more emotions and intimate bonding with additional people. They also use letters to describe the relationships. Like V and N. A "V" would be the woman at the bottom with two guys... but that doesn't MEAN they are doing threesomes. Or you have a husband with 2 girlfriends while his wife has 3 boyfriends. Or you have a wife with a boyfriend while her husband is monogamous with just her. Depending on the dynamics the people, they may also all be friends or have limited interactions with each other. You may have a triad in which 3 people are in a relationship with each other ie: He's got 2 girlfriends, each of those girl considers themselves having a boyfriend and a girlfriend. And there are the "poly house" in which 4~6 whatever adults live under the same roof, share the bills and take care of children as one big family.

Basic "Open relationship" would be a couple in which one or both will go out to get laid, but that's it.

Swingers are a married couple who has sex with other married couples and a bit more. More old people do this than young. When you have those places in Florida in which dozens of old folks are partying, they are usually swinging. There is not many years left. Of course, there are swingers in the their 20s. They aren't the same as poly because they may only have friendship at most - but are separate non-sexually. They wife-swap or group sex / orgy.

I'm going to post the actual chart that apathiest shared the link to for those who don't like to click on links.

nonmonogamy.gif


This one better explains things in a fun way (4th version):
nonmonogamy2.5.1.gif
 
Men have a tougher time ultimately I think simply because men tend to have much stronger desires for regular sex while women in general can more easily get by without having sex for longer periods of time before being distressed by it. It's biology and biology is one of those areas where it's almost impossible to 'make' things fair. It's not fair only women have to endure childbirth, or conversely men don't have the ability to get pregnant if for whatever reason they wanted too. Women tend to be less strong then men and so have a harder time physically defending ourselves against a male aggressor than the opposite scenario. Lifes not guaranteed to be fair, biological differences perhaps least of all.

Having said all that though, the situation isn't as simple as it sounds, some women have difficulty finding a man they want to have sex with simply because they're perhaps not as good at socializing, or feel the pressures of stigmas against female promiscuity. Men may find it harder to attract a woman in general, likewise in general women have a harder time getting away with it without risking a negative social stigma.

What I'm trying to say is man up and stop whining. :)
 
SKL said:
TL;DR this is biology. Polyamory is degenerate and only ends up denigrating and hurting both the male and female "partner," whether each one sees it or not at the time. This is the central problem of the "sexual revolution," sheer hedonism isn't the point of sexual relations, but rather, social order and procreation, anything other than this is bound to create nothing but misery. This is an iron law of human nature.
Click to expand...

Oh and no, that is not biology, what's more biology is mans tendency to irrationally dislike what seems foreign to it. It is in fact not particularly abnormal at all for our species to engage in polyamory, it has existed for as long as our species has. Monogamy is not defying our biology either.

I'm not polyamorous myself, I'm very much a monogamous person like I assume you are, but you are still wrong and acting like a dick. Really it's very hard to say humans are doing almost anything against our biology, if we saw uncommon behavior in any other animal we wouldn't call it unnatural or defying biology. It's only to ourselves do we have this second guessing our nature. Everything we do becomes pretty natural once you view humanity as simply another species of animal.
 
Thanks for getting into the various types of nonmonogamy in more detail, Clitnhawk. It drives me crazy when people equate polyamory with polyfidelity (= usually MFF triad) but I get really tired of explaining it all. My only quibble with Veaux's charts is that they're still a bit too couple-centric, but then I lean toward the solo-poly/relationship anarchist end of things.
 
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