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I fail at everything

ish675

ish675

Bluelighter
Joined
Jun 13, 2012
Messages
140
Location
Waiting on my "dude" in a parking lot
I fail at everything I try to do. I can't hold a job, get a girlfriend, move out of my parents house, or do anything good. I have no self esteem, I don't want to get up in the morning because I have nothing to look forward to. I don't have any friends, nobody cares about me, and I can't even stand to look at myself. I've always been told that I would never go anywhere; that I was useless and unattractive. Sure enough, I'm pretty fucking useless. I've been alone for so long I don't know what its like to be normal. I just want somebody I can talk to, somebody who can listen to me. Whenever I see a happy couple somewhere I try to accept that I will never have that, I just want to be happy. I'm broke because I can't hold a job and even if I were to make friends I could never go out and do anything because of my lack of money. My only solace is drugs, I long for a real relationship with a person but I don't think that will ever happen. Every night I think about ways to die, an OD on morphine seems more and more peaceful every time I think about it. If I were to kill myself I really have trouble imagining anybody caring. The only reason I don't do it is because I don't want too bother anybody. I welcome death, sometimes when i'm driving hope somebody veers head-on into my lane and hits me, or i have a blowout and smash into a tree at high speeds. I would never want to hurt anybody tho, which keeps me from doing anything. I'm such a pussy. If it was not for drugs I would have ended my life a long time ago. Most people say drugs ruin their life, for me they are the only reason to live. While most people are out at parties or out with friends, I'm at home, high, staring at my ceiling listening to music wallowing in my own self pity. I want to change but I don't know how. I hate myself, I feel like I'm crawling in my own skin. Even if I were to go out I don't know why anybody would want anything to do with me. I don't see any reason for anybody to even talk to me. I'm supposed to see my family for Thanksgiving but I feel so out of place, all of my cousins are in college and have healthy relationships, everybody has their boyfriend or girlfriend there and I've never brought anybody. Everybody in my family knows I'm an addict because of my moms big mouth, and I definitely get treated differently because of it. Last Christmas I left early to go shoot up in my car and sit in a parking lot alone, I told everybody I had to go eat dinner with my nonexistent girlfriend. Everybody knew it was a lie, I didn't care I just needed to leave. I've never been invited to a party or even to hang out with anybody. People only call when they need something from me. I don't care about anything, I have no hobbies or things I like to do. Drugs are the closest I've ever been to having a relationship. At least they're always there for me. I want this to end so bad. I just want to be normal but I guess that's impossible for me. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time but I just need to put that out and maybe somebody will understand.
 
I can relate to you in so many ways. You did a better job explaining exactly how I feel then I would of been able to do myself. My main problem is trying to get off the drugs now.. I gave up everything good going for me to fucking get high. Recently just started going to NA (narcotics anonymous) to hopefully meet some solid people I can learn something about what it takes to finally realize drugs will ruin my life. I probably shoudlnt be browsing a drug focused forum.. but at least people here might relate. Have hope. My only hope to save myself is believing there's a greater glory.
 
Buddy, I can relate to you as well, on just about everything u said..its like nothing is good enough, no matter what I do..

I'm a loner, not by choice. I can't keep a man to save my life bc of my in securities( I just ran my man out of an 8 year relationship)
I think I'm the black sheep of the family, have a job but its menial. I won't go anywhere in it.
I also have the same fantasy about a head on or something similar happening to just end it..
Drugs are my best/only friend.
I'm so lonely, and also just want it to end..

We have a lot in common friend, pm me anytime and we can swim in our misery together, maybe even help each othr out..
Much <3 bud..
 
Don't we have something in common , all i can say is we just got to live the best way we c an , always searching for that happiness in life .
 
Sounds like you are going through a very tough time. Sometimes it's good to just offload what's in your head to clear the fog and kick start new beginnings. Be kind to yourself for the time being and talk to people here on BL, you will find that will help you.
I've been there too so know how important it is to reach out and get help, if that help is here then so be it.
Sorry my meds are kicking in big time and I'm conscious that I'm not as coherent as I would like to be.
<3
 
Reading your paragraph made me think and relate, a lot to my life dude. I'm 23 and I'm going through it hard also.
We're all on bluelight for a reason, just remember your never alone. Suicide is something that any person should never even think of.
But I can feel and understand, why people would think of it, being the easier way out in hard times.
Life is really hard and stressful, I ain't going to sugar-coat it because sometimes even the little things kill.
Everything turns around, trust me I've been right in your shoes (with a terrible addiction, depression and feeling trapped) (twice or 3x), But I put in the hardest time of my life and the black cloud passes.
I promise.
 
I've been there too many times. When feeling my only way out was some tragic accident because I couldn't suicide though I wanted to. A car would crazily cut me off and I slammed on the brakes to avoid an accident. Then thinking "Why didn't I just plow into him?" It's self preservation mode kicking in. As shitty as you feel, you don't really want death. You feel like dying but know you need something better. Try going to meetings and you can meet people who can listen and help you get off the drugs. There's a better life waiting for you.
 
Ish675 and sconnie 420 i can relate to how your feeling. I suffer with nasty depressive cycles, crippling anxiety and a drug dependance. Id like to say im availiable to talk to anytime, talking really is the best way to change the bad thought cycles and affect real life changes. Someone who doesnt know can be good for that because they act as a mirror for you to really see yourself, unlike people who know you whos view is tainted by memories and expectations. From what ive read on this site your in the right place with empathetic and intelligent people whoarewilling to listen and can offer real advice. Please dont hurt yourselves, suicide isnt a solution just a very final way of avoiding the problem and i feel that anyone who can produce the clear concise and emotional posts that you have, are strong enough to stay in the game. You dont have to fufill anyones expectations but your own and you can do that in your own time bit by bit, piece by piece. Your not alone in stuggling with life and your not alone here, things can get better.
 
Also cant agree more with what furry mouth said: be kind to yourself. Its the start to feeling better and gaining back your self esteem.
 
I'm 21. I've thought about recovery but I've come to believe as of right now (maybe not forever) that I'm better off using. It isn't crippling my health or wallet (too bad) yet and I don't think I can handle sobriety right now. I've been clean before and it was terrible, my life is so boring. I feel better knowing that other people have the same personality as me. BL is the best, you all always have an awesome insight to my mind.
 
So many have the same problems on here and are dealing with them in different ways, some better then others, that you will find some people who can help you. Remember deal with the issues bit by bit, it doesnt have to be done all at once.
 
ish675 said:
I'm 21. I've thought about recovery but I've come to believe as of right now (maybe not forever) that I'm better off using. It isn't crippling my health or wallet (too bad) yet and I don't think I can handle sobriety right now. I've been clean before and it was terrible, my life is so boring. I feel better knowing that other people have the same personality as me. BL is the best, you all always have an awesome insight to my mind.
Click to expand...

Yeah, BL is pretty clutch. Just one thing - what you're describing isn't a personality, it's classic signs of deprrssion. The way you feel right now isn't psychatrically normal. You deserve to have a thought process whose spine is suicide. See if you can find any free mental exercises online spexifically tailored to alleviate depression - you don't have to take your brain revolting against you any longer.
 
I went thru the this is me and thiz how it is mind fuck. Remember, people reinvent themselves and their lives all the time bt it must come from inside your own head first.
 
And you wouldnt be here in the first place if you didnt still feel some hope even if its just a smaller flicker. Plus your talking about how you feel and that is right road to feeling better.
 
Depression lies. Don't believe a word that asshole says.
Go to therapy. Tomorrow morning. GO! Now. This is critical, you must start getting professional help, only after that things will start get better.

And then you will realise that you don't have to be in a relationship to "be normal". That you can be happy the way you are. And all that stuff. In the meantime share, share, share. Only in this thread you can see how many people care ALREADY, take the chance and find support.

Because we've all been there and it sucks and it's fucking hard and hopeless but it will get better if you take the first steps.

You have taken one step creating this thread. Take another step.
 
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