Addiction I enjoy being sober so why do I still use?

[mirrorgirl]

I use coke every 4 weeks or so but a lot at time (big out of control binges), it's not recreational it's abuse, it's compulsion.

Every time I swear I'll never do it again, like a stuck record I and my family are sick of hearing.

The fact is when I'm not using, I'm not unhappy, I'm not missing it and I enjoy feeling in control of my life and being normal, spending time with the kids etc.

So why do I still use? I don't understand... it's not even fun anymore maybe the first few hours but after that it's just out of control, guilt, shame, money...

It feels like 'it' won't let me go... but I feel ready to move on and embrace a drug free life. I want nothing more to be the kind of person who doesn't need drugs, who gets pleasure from non drug activities and I feel I can be that person 90% of the time... then a big bender comes along and spoils it.

I deny to myself that I can't control my use - which must be the addiction talking because i will use whatever is in the house and go back for more.

It doesn't even excite me to score anymore, it's just going through the motions now.

Not sure how to stop, I've said a few times 'this is it' but then an excuse will come along- a party, christmas, and I talk myself back into ti.

Thinking of making a commitment not to use during 2017 and see how I feel at the end of that, hopefully continue. I was going to have 'one last time' at new years but I actually think I need to start my commitment now to prove I am serious to myself and my partner... he's sick of hearing me say I'm never doing it again only to go out and score a few weeks later so I need to show him some action.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

 

[Captain.Heroin]

You have to avoid triggering situations. It sounds like social situations are a trigger for you.

 

[simco]

My fist thought is this... Even if it seems like overkill, try diving into your recovery fully and with all the energy you can muster. Your situation sounds a bit tricky in that (at least as far as your coke use goes) you haven't 'hit bottom' in an obvious, familiar, desperate sense of the term. And of course, that's a good thing!! But that doesn't mean that quitting isn't going to be hard. Go ahead and bring everything you've got to the project of claiming yourself back from the drugs.

Sorry, this isn't as clear as I'd like it to be. Basically, I'm trying to say: get committed to your recovery and start working on it with everything you've got.

Keep asking questions, too! But this is my first thought. Best luck!
Sim

 

[Jabberwocky]

I feel like making a commitment to not use for an entire year is asking a bit much. Too much pressure, I mean. If you've been struggling OP, why not just committing to not using for a month? Then you can commit to three months, and then six months, and in such a way work your way up, slowly to committing to a year without using. Food for thought.

I know that when it comes to coke and myself, I cannot stop myself from using once I start. That is, regardless of what I do, once I take that first hit or do that first line, I won't be able to control myself until either all my money for that day is gone or all the coke for that day is gone (normally both). Coke, like heroin, is one of those drugs I just can't take a hit or two and put it down. They are simply too habit forming for me, too hard to control.

So the question becomes, what is leading you to feel the need to use coke. I would explore your needs grounding why you use, because using isn't some irrational or random coping mechanism. It is a calculated, logical move that one takes in order to attempt to regulate one's mood state and control one's emotions.

The question then becomes, what is it that is so disregulating you emotionally speaking that leads you to feel like using is a viable option (when clearly it isn't)? Once you have begun working to identify that, you can correct your experience(s) such that you don't find yourself in as many difficult situations where using seems like a reasonable option.

 

[subotai]

If you really want to stop using cocaine you need to have your partner hold you accountable for buying it. If there are no repercussions for an individuals use of drugs, I'm of the belief that nobody would ever "just stop" using their DOC

 

[dopemaster]

You have to want to stop for you.

I will say this, after some time the urge to use coke passes. I find it more of a compulsory drug than an addictive one except when you are on it.

I always just slept it off. As far as if I still use, it's been a long time but I am sure I will do it again.

I like club drugs and if coke is all I can get and I am going out I do a bit of powder. I really don't care as it doesn't cause me problems.

If a drug is ruining your life you should stop. Its just dope versus your real life.

 

[withlove]

you might like the drama of it. the highs and lows are hard to give up.
also if total abstinence is your goal, at least from cocaine and you never actually get there, you get to kinda stay stalled where you are, which might feel safer.

the cycle of stopping, feeling relief, getting my shit together and then having it blow up again, getting to feel horrible and shame and scared became its own compulsion for me a few years back, i didnt see it while i was in it but i can see it now.

 

[CfZrx]

I use coke every 4 weeks or so but a lot at time (big out of control binges), it's not recreational it's abuse, it's compulsion.

Every time I swear I'll never do it again

This is cocaine in a nutshell. One day you have to walk away and never touch it again or eventually lose everything.

 

[jdfisse]

I feel like making a commitment to not use for an entire year is asking a bit much. Too much pressure, I mean. If you've been struggling OP, why not just committing to not using for a month? Then you can commit to three months, and then six months, and in such a way work your way up, slowly to committing to a year without using. Food for thought..

This is on the right track from my experience. I realize there are many who are not fond of 12 step recovery, but it has and continues to change my life for the better on a daily basis. I only have to not use today.

There are so many ways that I am different today from how I was the day I got clean. I will share one with you. When I got clean I really sucked at doing NOTHING. Today I am really quite good at doing NOTHING. I have discovered that if I want to get good at doing SOMETHING then I had to become good at doing NOTHING, because it is the easiest SOMETHING that there is to do. Yeah that may sound convoluted, but addiction is a convoluted affliction. I am ok sitting with myself today. I don't have a pervading urgency to fix or destroy anything and everything that crosses my path. This hasn't come by mere abstinence, but rather by a persistent and concerted effort to be a little better every day. An noted Economist once told me, "Kid, All models are wrong!" It was so freeing for me. What I awoke to was that I no longer had to be "right". I just had to be less wrong.

I owe everything in my life today to abstinence and living the principles of the 12 steps. Not one thing has been accomplished without the involvement of other recovering addicts.

 

[Jabberwocky]

This is on the right track from my experience. I realize there are many who are not fond of 12 step recovery, but it has and continues to change my life for the better on a daily basis. I only have to not use today.

There are so many ways that I am different today from how I was the day I got clean. I will share one with you. When I got clean I really sucked at doing NOTHING. Today I am really quite good at doing NOTHING. I have discovered that if I want to get good at doing SOMETHING then I had to become good at doing NOTHING, because it is the easiest SOMETHING that there is to do. Yeah that may sound convoluted, but addiction is a convoluted affliction. I am ok sitting with myself today. I don't have a pervading urgency to fix or destroy anything and everything that crosses my path. This hasn't come by mere abstinence, but rather by a persistent and concerted effort to be a little better every day. An noted Economist once told me, "Kid, All models are wrong!" It was so freeing for me. What I awoke to was that I no longer had to be "right". I just had to be less wrong.

I owe everything in my life today to abstinence and living the principles of the 12 steps. Not one thing has been accomplished without the involvement of other recovering addicts.

That is some really awesome advice jdfisse! I am really pleased to see you decided to stick around SL You clearly have a lot of wisdom to offer our community!

What you describe about getting more skillful at dealing with boredom or not having external duties or obligations structuring every waking minute is actually exactly what mindful awareness meditation is all about. It is always very refreshing to hear from someone who has done some significant work overcoming one of the biggest challenges to anyone's recovery - dealign with the obstacle of boredom.

I guess it is different for everyone, but not being able to work skillfully with boredom & my leisure/free/down time was and is one of the biggest - if not the biggest reason - motivating me to use.

Good on you jdfisse! I totally understand your gratitude for the 12 step community, as I feel grateful beyond words for the support the communities I've relied on to get started and now maintain forward momentum in my recovery have provided me. However, please let me say this:

You might have had help, but ultimately YOU are the one staying sober. You are the one doing all the hard work jdfisse! I hope you are appropriately grateful, kind and generous will yourself for being able to stand up to your challenges and work on accomplishing your (meaningful) goals!

 

[Stargazer]

Boredom. That's what got me. I really love being clean too.

I had a support system in place and told them I was falling down the about to fuck up tree-but they didn't reach back. So-I need to build an EFFECTIVE support system. And become active in the things I love.

 

[simco]

Is mirrorgirl (our OP) still watching this thread? I'm curious to hear how you've been doing.

 

[Mylifeofsecrets]

I'm like you but with meth. I don't need it, I only do it once in a while. The last time I didn't really enjoy it after the first day. I'm already on amphetamine for adhd.

The only way I got to where I was clean for 12 years was taking away my ability to obtain it. When the urges hit, I had no way of contacting anyone to get it because all numbers were deleted and since it wasn't a quick easy access I wouldn't bother. You have to get yourself away from the sources, anyone that does it. Just like you said, if its there you are going to do it..me too.. I really hope you have found your way of reaching the point of freedom from coke..

Btw now after the12 years I have done some maybe once every couple months.. Its not what I remember though..just the initial high.