Pagey
Bluelight Crew
Hey,
So I had a rather life-changing experience last night and I really wanted to share it with you.
As some of you may know, I've been struggling with an opiate/heroin addiction for the better part of this past year. I thought I was fine. Sure, my finances were suffering. Sure, I looked different, I was losing weight at an alarming rate and it looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. Sure, I wasn't really talking to people much anymore. But so what? Nothing really mattered so long as I had heroin, right?
I'd be able to notice when things got bad. Things weren't bad yet, it'd be obvious when heroin actually became a problem. And then I'd stop. Simple as that.
I was miserable. I was angry at everything and everyone, especially myself. I hated everything. I hated everyone. But it didn't matter because I had heroin - and the reason I hated them was because heroin was just so much better. Heroin was better than everything, and nothing would ever be able to compare. So why bother with anything else?
People kept telling me I needed to get off this path, now. That there was only way I was headed if I continued using, and it wasn't nice. But what did they know? Clearly heroin didn't make them happy like it did me. I didn't care about going down that path, because it would be a path with smack. I pretended to understand what they were telling me. I said I was trying to quit, because I wanted them to believe it - and I wanted to believe it myself. But I wasn't really.
Last night I got to try aMT for the first time. This isn't at all about the drug - it's about the feelings and emotions it let me finally access. It didn't create those feelings, it just gave me a nudge to unlock them myself, and I think last night is going to save my life.
I've realised exactly what's been happening this past year, and I've truly, honestly opened my eyes to everything. You know how everyone says heroin makes you lie to yourself? I didn't believe that. I've always considered myself very good at introspection and understanding my thoughts and feelings - no matter how irrational they may sometimes be - so I was sure that I'd notice the presence of alien thoughts in my head. Not at all. I've been convinced for months that if I do quit, it'll only be to live a bleak and miserable life because nothing will ever live up to heroin, nothing will ever feel good again now that I've tasted it. That's not fucking true.
It really is a lie. It's maybe the most powerful lie you can tell yourself...because you truly believe with every particle of your body that it's true, and it's coming from inside you. I really can't believe I finally saw past it. It's hard to explain really - it just suddenly hit me. It was almost like an out-of-body experience, I was seeing myself from somebody else's eyes and I was seeing what smack has turned me into. I was seeing - and I now see - how cold and distant I've been to absolutely everything and everyone. How fake all my displays of emotion have been. I thought I was doing a good job at keeping up the charade, but now I can see how obvious it was to everyone. I looked empty. I was empty.
And I was so miserable. Heroin doesn't make you happy, it makes you...nothing. It sucks the life out of everything, including yourself. Be honest - do you even enjoy it? Are you actually happy on it? I wasn't. I HAD to use, but I had no idea why. I just had to. But truth is it hadn't made me feel good in a very, very long time.
I now see just how big the illusion heroin creates is. It changes absolutely everything about you. It makes you believe there's no way out, and that anyone who thinks you're in trouble just doesn't understand, just doesn't know what it feels like. It makes you feel like it's the only thing worth thinking about. It's always there, in the back of your mind - how am I going to score tonight? How am I going to afford my next hit? When am I going to be able to use again? How quickly can I get out of here to shoot up?
But truth is it only does that because it's such a miserable pisspoor excuse of a drug. It lies to you because it knows it's shit. Lying to you is the only way it can make you love it. But you don't have to love it. I know quitting smack will be a long road. It'll be difficult, and I'm terrified, I honestly am.
But heroin had taken 'me' away - it had turned me into an angry, miserable, violent, mean, secluded person, which is simply the complete opposite of who I actually am. And I want 'me' again. I started abusing opiates about the time I actually started to become my own person (~16-17 years old), so I don't really know who 'me' is...but I know I want to know her. I can't wait to discover who she is. I know that whatever she is, she's better than this imposter who's been masquerading as her all this time.
I feel overwhelmingly calm for the first time in a very, very long time. I'm at peace with myself. I'm not angry with myself for falling into heroin's clutches - I made a mistake, but it's okay. I accept what happened and I accept that it's time to move on now. I'm not angry at heroin, either. I just want to calmly wave goodbye and part ways. I'm not angry at anyone or anything anymore. I'm feeling very sad - about wasting this past year, about not making the most of this new city I've been living in, about not truly appreciating the people I've met...but this sadness is incredible. It's a true feeling. I can't remember the last time I'd felt sadness and regret. But it's alright. It happened, and there's nothing I can change about it now - it's just time to move on without looking back. It's time to show people, and to show myself, who I actually am.
To anyone who is struggling with heroin, or any other opiate - there is a way out. Opiates change your brain chemistry and the way you think. Reading this, I'm sure some of you must be thinking I'm wrong, and that your experience is different, and in your case heroin really is the one thing that'll ever make you happy. All I'm asking is that you give me the benefit of the doubt. It's difficult, but it's possible for us to move on from this. We will be so much happier once we do, once we learn to love the world, others, and most importantly, ourselves.
Once the aMT wore off I immediately started having the usual feelings about heroin, I immediately jumped to the obvious conclusion that I don't need anything else in the world...but now I know that's not true. Feeling happier without heroin for just a few hours was all it took to make the illusion crumble. I know it'll be hard, and I know it'll be overwhelming, but I'll also always know that once, for a few hours, I felt so much better without heroin, and I saw a way out.
Don't give up. Be you again. You're so much better than smack.
So I had a rather life-changing experience last night and I really wanted to share it with you.
As some of you may know, I've been struggling with an opiate/heroin addiction for the better part of this past year. I thought I was fine. Sure, my finances were suffering. Sure, I looked different, I was losing weight at an alarming rate and it looked like I hadn't slept in weeks. Sure, I wasn't really talking to people much anymore. But so what? Nothing really mattered so long as I had heroin, right?
I'd be able to notice when things got bad. Things weren't bad yet, it'd be obvious when heroin actually became a problem. And then I'd stop. Simple as that.
I was miserable. I was angry at everything and everyone, especially myself. I hated everything. I hated everyone. But it didn't matter because I had heroin - and the reason I hated them was because heroin was just so much better. Heroin was better than everything, and nothing would ever be able to compare. So why bother with anything else?
People kept telling me I needed to get off this path, now. That there was only way I was headed if I continued using, and it wasn't nice. But what did they know? Clearly heroin didn't make them happy like it did me. I didn't care about going down that path, because it would be a path with smack. I pretended to understand what they were telling me. I said I was trying to quit, because I wanted them to believe it - and I wanted to believe it myself. But I wasn't really.
Last night I got to try aMT for the first time. This isn't at all about the drug - it's about the feelings and emotions it let me finally access. It didn't create those feelings, it just gave me a nudge to unlock them myself, and I think last night is going to save my life.
I've realised exactly what's been happening this past year, and I've truly, honestly opened my eyes to everything. You know how everyone says heroin makes you lie to yourself? I didn't believe that. I've always considered myself very good at introspection and understanding my thoughts and feelings - no matter how irrational they may sometimes be - so I was sure that I'd notice the presence of alien thoughts in my head. Not at all. I've been convinced for months that if I do quit, it'll only be to live a bleak and miserable life because nothing will ever live up to heroin, nothing will ever feel good again now that I've tasted it. That's not fucking true.
It really is a lie. It's maybe the most powerful lie you can tell yourself...because you truly believe with every particle of your body that it's true, and it's coming from inside you. I really can't believe I finally saw past it. It's hard to explain really - it just suddenly hit me. It was almost like an out-of-body experience, I was seeing myself from somebody else's eyes and I was seeing what smack has turned me into. I was seeing - and I now see - how cold and distant I've been to absolutely everything and everyone. How fake all my displays of emotion have been. I thought I was doing a good job at keeping up the charade, but now I can see how obvious it was to everyone. I looked empty. I was empty.
And I was so miserable. Heroin doesn't make you happy, it makes you...nothing. It sucks the life out of everything, including yourself. Be honest - do you even enjoy it? Are you actually happy on it? I wasn't. I HAD to use, but I had no idea why. I just had to. But truth is it hadn't made me feel good in a very, very long time.
I now see just how big the illusion heroin creates is. It changes absolutely everything about you. It makes you believe there's no way out, and that anyone who thinks you're in trouble just doesn't understand, just doesn't know what it feels like. It makes you feel like it's the only thing worth thinking about. It's always there, in the back of your mind - how am I going to score tonight? How am I going to afford my next hit? When am I going to be able to use again? How quickly can I get out of here to shoot up?
But truth is it only does that because it's such a miserable pisspoor excuse of a drug. It lies to you because it knows it's shit. Lying to you is the only way it can make you love it. But you don't have to love it. I know quitting smack will be a long road. It'll be difficult, and I'm terrified, I honestly am.
But heroin had taken 'me' away - it had turned me into an angry, miserable, violent, mean, secluded person, which is simply the complete opposite of who I actually am. And I want 'me' again. I started abusing opiates about the time I actually started to become my own person (~16-17 years old), so I don't really know who 'me' is...but I know I want to know her. I can't wait to discover who she is. I know that whatever she is, she's better than this imposter who's been masquerading as her all this time.
I feel overwhelmingly calm for the first time in a very, very long time. I'm at peace with myself. I'm not angry with myself for falling into heroin's clutches - I made a mistake, but it's okay. I accept what happened and I accept that it's time to move on now. I'm not angry at heroin, either. I just want to calmly wave goodbye and part ways. I'm not angry at anyone or anything anymore. I'm feeling very sad - about wasting this past year, about not making the most of this new city I've been living in, about not truly appreciating the people I've met...but this sadness is incredible. It's a true feeling. I can't remember the last time I'd felt sadness and regret. But it's alright. It happened, and there's nothing I can change about it now - it's just time to move on without looking back. It's time to show people, and to show myself, who I actually am.
To anyone who is struggling with heroin, or any other opiate - there is a way out. Opiates change your brain chemistry and the way you think. Reading this, I'm sure some of you must be thinking I'm wrong, and that your experience is different, and in your case heroin really is the one thing that'll ever make you happy. All I'm asking is that you give me the benefit of the doubt. It's difficult, but it's possible for us to move on from this. We will be so much happier once we do, once we learn to love the world, others, and most importantly, ourselves.
Once the aMT wore off I immediately started having the usual feelings about heroin, I immediately jumped to the obvious conclusion that I don't need anything else in the world...but now I know that's not true. Feeling happier without heroin for just a few hours was all it took to make the illusion crumble. I know it'll be hard, and I know it'll be overwhelming, but I'll also always know that once, for a few hours, I felt so much better without heroin, and I saw a way out.
Don't give up. Be you again. You're so much better than smack.
Last edited:
