Mental Health I don't know what's going to happen...i'm scared.

[Finito]

I am a regular poster here, but am really quite ashamed of all of this. I need help, I need something.

I am in my mid twenties. I have had a very fortunate life up until i hit 21. I guess I'm just not used to the heartache, I can't handle this shit.

My father has been incredibly unstable since suffering brain damage when I was 21. Severe frontal lobe damage. It's hard. He's suicidal a lot, lashes out, does weird shit...let's just say, it's incredibly hard to see. We are all at a point now where we understand that he is not going to get any better. Perhaps it would have been more merciful if he did not survive this. I live at home with my parents, two younger sisters and my boyfriend of five years. I fear for my youngest sister, who is still but a child, as this has been incredibly traumatising on a daily basis for all of us.

Now, my boyfriend has been diagnosed with all sorts of shit. This was about four months ago. He is a fantastic person - everyone absolutely adores him...he's just one of those people. He suffers from mixed affective states, and these are incredibly hard to deal with. He has not been very supportive because the situation is too hard to deal with. I have been with him since I was a teenager. I don't even know what my life would be like without him. Our lives are so ridiculously intertwined, it's going to tear me apart to separate. But I am doing it. I am at a very weak point right now - my family is fucked, and now I am losing the one person I relied on throughout. I am so dependent on him in so many ways. I lost my true support network of friends somewhere along the way...I have no one now. My life has been absolute depression for years now, and I'm tired. I can't watch my family suffer so greatly and be happy. I'm losing my boyfriend - I am sick with fear. I can't deal with this right now, I am too weak and worn from the rest of it.

I have been depressed. I have zero motivation. Because of the daily struggles with my boyfriend and my family, I have completely neglected my own needs. I need to constantly care for my dad and my sisters. My boyfriend is even harder believe it or not. He has been diagnosed with multiple things, and over the last couple of years he has broken. I have to check that he has eaten daily. Financially he is in ruins. He self-medicates with everything, and I have been dragged along for the ride. I have been emotionally, physically and financially worn to nothing, and now I have nothing left. I can't even finish my degree - no motivation, too stressed and depressed. I can't move out now - my boyfriend and I are no longer and I couldn't move in with strangers nor afford my own place. Would abandoning my little sister be the right thing anyway? I don't think so. This household is full of such incredibly pain, you can almost taste it as soon as you walk in the door. There is constant screaming, tears, frustration and anger.

I got addicted to prescription pills at some point too. I'm clean now, but fuck...I need something or I'm going to check out. I can't handle this pain. My boyfriend is coming home tonight and I am going to have him move out. I don't know if this is the right thing, and I am literally sick over it. I am so scared. I can't even imagine it. I am not ready for this, but I can't do it anymore. I love him so much and he makes me so happy, but he just cannot give me what I need. I don't know if I'm going to make it. I cry all the time over him. He disappoints me and lets me down when I need him, and it kills me regularly. He genuinely doesn't mean it or intent to do it though, so after the anger I feel intense guilt. Then he is a mess for days and the cycle continues.

I should have been someone by now, but I have wasted away. I am not the person I used to be, and I have changed for the worst. I am ashamed that I have not realised my academic potential. I am ashamed of the person that I have become. I am a sad, pathetic nobody.

My life used to be perfect...I wasn't ready for this. I don't want to do it anymore. I can't deal with this breakup, I love him too much and I need him. He's the only thing that makes me feel safe and happy. But I can't do it anymore. I can't do anything anymore.

 

[SkagKush]

I am sorry to hear about all of the struggles you are going through right now, and you have come to the right place (TDS). Life can be a challenge and we often have large obstacles to overcome put infront of us. You said you are leaving your boyfriend; it seems as if this is the right choice for you because you do need to give yourself some personal time. It will be hard at first, but with time you will heal and if in the future you were meant to be then you can be together. You must stay strong and continue to try new things, whether it be reconnecting with old friends or going to the gym and getting active. You have started to make some decisions for yourself, and thats a start!

Bluelight is always here for support.

With respect,
Skagkush

 

[Captain.Heroin]

I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through. I can relate how difficult it is to watch someone deteriorate on a mental level, it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through in life because it is incredibly depressing.

Much peace and love.

 

[herbavore]

finito, I am wondering what you are ashamed of? Leaving your boyfriend? Being overwhelmed by what your Dad has become and how he now behaves? Being depressed by all this when you think you should be strong? there is absolutely no reason for you to feel ashamed. Life has dealt you and everyone around you a whole slew of horrors.

What country are you in? If you are in the States, there should be some help through various community groups or social services. Is your mom also depressed? One of the things that you might consider doing is going to talk to your youngest sister's school. Give them a heads up about what is happening at home--both your Dad's medical condition and his symptoms. They may be able to steer you in the right direction for some help. At the very least it will probably help your little sister out for them to know the stress she is under.

Where I live there is a program through the local hospital for people living with severe brain injuries. Your Dad should really have a case worker that you can talk to as well. Your whole family needs more support than you are getting. I know it is hard to be proactive when you are depressed but it sounds like a powder keg environment for everyone.

Has your boyfriend moved out?

If you feel like PMing me with what county you are in if you are in the States, I would be glad to see if I can find out anything about services.

I'm really sorry this has all fallen down on your family. I know it feels insurmountable right now but if you can reach out for some help it would probably relieve a little of the pressure anyway.

 

[grey.ome]

Sorry to hear about what you are going through but you are not alone. I know how it feels to lose the love of your life but when they are dragging you down with them it is the better option to end it. As hard as it may be and as depressed as you feel you need time to focus on yourself and give yourself time to heal. I know you may not feel like you are unable to live without him, trust me I understand 100%, but you don't know that for sure until you give it a try. Leaving him may be the best thing you'll ever do, it will be incredibly hard to get through at first but you you'll pull through and you never know what doors it may open for you. Stay strong and continue using TDS because we are here to help and support you

 

[finito]

Please merge with old anon thread...

Merge with http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/665423-I-don-t-know-what-s-going-to-happen-i-m-scared

Apologies in advance for the long post! I have never gotten this off my chest entirely, and I think it is well overdue. Apologies if this post is a bit disjointed - I'm a little upset at the minute.

Continuing from OP - I stuck to it, I had him move out.

Some background info:

We got together when we were quite young, and our relationship has been amazing. Very intense. We were very close friends for almost two years prior to anything at all happening. We have a strong friendship that still remains.

We had lived together for years. He moved out 7 weeks ago now. We did everything together...which may not have been for the best. But, we always just wanted each other there...it was never forced by either side, or perhaps, we just fell into this...I don't know.

Now, it was quite a serious relationship. We had both expressed that we would marry and have children in the future. We had been looking to buy a house together...we traveled the world together and did a lot of growing up with each other. We were the benchmark for other people's relationships (according to others...blah blah "perfect couple" blah blah). But nothing is ever as it seems...is it?

So, we had always had issues with him being somewhat irresponsible and unreliable. Now, G (what we shall call him) has always been an amazing person. He is the type that absolutely everybody adores and loves. Life of the party, kind, engaging...etc. He also has the kindest heart out of anyone I know. It absolutely destroys him to see me upset, or disappointed in him in any way. G is reckless with money, and self-medicates with going out and socialising. If there is a social event of any kind on, we had to be there otherwise it would negatively affect his mood quite significantly. This progressed in severity as the relationship went on. G can sometimes unintentionally be very selfish when his mind locks on to something...something that he feels he needs in order to feel good. He almost chases it like a drug addict sometimes...an escape of sorts, mediation. He always wanted me there with him though. He is genuinely unable to see the consequences of some of his actions - when he wants something, it's extreme tunnel vision. His logic is very skewed. G has always been very apologetic for any actions that are hurtful, and shows genuine remorse. He has a damaging habit of beating himself up for an extended period of time when he hurts anyone...especially me.

Now, everything was great (other than G's impulsive spending, forgetfulness and desperate need for socialising, and the proceeding arguments) until my father got incredibly ill. Acquired extensive brain injury through an accident. This made life incredibly hard for all of us. G felt the stress of it all, and it absolutely ripped him apart to see me so upset. I felt that he retreated to some extent due to the pain he was feeling. He was also very close with my family, so this hurt him deeply as well.

I lost all interest in sex and socialising during this period, and G was respectful of this. He cut down on his socialising significantly, and was quite supportive. I slowly got back into it all, and all was as it were in those regards.

Over the following year, things slowly started changing between us. G's moods were increasingly down and erratic. It was very hard to manage and deal with. I felt so often that he did not care about me, as he would act so incredibly selfish...that tunnel vision again. Only realising it was selfish and hurtful after the fact. Never kept promises, forgot very important things all the time etc. I took all of this personally, and we had some horrible fights with lots of tears. It was me doing the yelling, and he was always confused, and incredibly apologetic. He could never understand why he was doing the things he was, and swore over and over that he'd try harder. He meant it, and this was all genuine. Still, it was hard to push away the feeling that he just didn't love me enough to make me a priority. G has struggled with choosing a career, saving money and basically managing his life in many ways. He cannot keep track of bills and spending, and is frequently out of money with bills that need to be paid. This was another issue that caused frequent arguments. This caused the development of a parent/child relationship, that is obviously incredibly bad for a romantic relationship. Anyway...sorry, I'm rambling.

For the last year, G has lost feelings for me. He finally broke down hysterically in tears and told me. He expressed that he had lost feelings for his family also...lots of things, all characteristic of some underlying issues with both his mental state as well as the state of our relationship. G is at the point where it almost physically hurts him to see me hurt or upset. G has INCREDIBLE guilt. G started experiencing intrusive thoughts of me being on fire etc. He could not have sex with me any longer (and he had a very, very high sex drive) as he felt too guilty doing so...as though he didn't deserve it he said. We persisted, and started doing the rounds with some doctors hoping for some improvement. The same issues recurred...we could not escape the cycle of him accidentally doing something hurtful, me getting sad/angry/crying, him getting down about it and feeling guilty, then me feeling guilty also and apologising and trying to make him feel better. I tried so so hard to control my reactions, but the frustration and hurt was just too much for me, and when something happened, I just cracked. I tried so hard.

We are now on a "break." G had expressed prior to this that he wanted to go and live with his brother, and I got upset and said that if he left, it would be the end - "we either work through this together, or not at all." G has now moved out - I asked him to out of frustration and tears (as outlined in my first post), after when questioned he advised me that he still wanted to go and live with his brother. I told him to leave. It killed me. I wanted a break up (well, I didn't, but this is what I had asked for) and he begged me not to do that. He said he wanted to be together, and that him moving out would help our relationship, and help his feelings return. I agreed, and then he told me a few days later that he needs time to decide whether the relationship is what he wants or not. Ugh.

As it stands, G has been diagnosed with severe ADHD, bipolar disorder with mixed states, mild depression and OCD. We received this diagnosis approximately 7 months ago now. The diagnosis explained so much, and once he was medicated and started receiving appropriate follow up care, we were optimistic that things between us would improve. They didn't, and here we are. His bioplar hasn't been managed too well, and I feel he is manic. Mania and ADHD have overlapping symptoms, so his next psychiatrist appointment will be looking at the bipolar side of things a bit more. He's currently on dexamphetamine, an SSRI and Seroquel. I feel the SSRI could be making him manic, as without the Seroquel, he notices a huge difference.

Whilst on our break, G and I have stayed in close contact. We have slept together a few times, gone out and had fun etc. G has expressed that he loves me more than anyone and anything, and that he wants to get better for us, for the sake of our relationship. He says that he cannot handle a relationship now though, that his mental state is just not up to it. That he has such incredible guilt in relation to me, that he absolutely cannot hurt me anymore, as it is damaging for his mental state. He is not sleeping nor eating well as it is. When we were together, I ensure that this happened to an extent...sleep and food. We set a month limit in place for this break, but he had made no progress at all in regards to making a decision as to whether we were to be together or not. He didn't want to end it, either do it. We are still here now.

I just don't know what to do. I have supported him in every possible way I know how. I have waited for so long for something to change...for him to be able to give something back...to contribute to the relationship, to show love again. I know he is unwell. I know it is not his fault. I love him more than anything - he is amazing, truly. I have never met anyone like him, and so many people that meet him comment on his personality...he is a really kind, special person. I am so scared of losing him. He doesn't want to break up, but he doesn't want a relationship because the pain of disappointing me is too much...he is so confused and lost.

This is killing me. I don't want to lose him, but how long do I wait? How long do I sit in limbo, wishing that he were here with me? Waiting for him to call? He has said he wants nothing more than for us to be able to be happy together, and that is his aim. But he cannot be in a relationship with me at the moment due to fear of hurting me, and the resulting impact it will have on his mental state to see me upset due to his actions. He is very down on himself. He is committed to his treatment for his mental illness, and we are going to our first relationship counseling session on Tuesday.

I do not want to lose him, I am deeply in love with him still, but this confusion and uncertainty is killing me. I have tried to just live my life and move on whilst allowing him time to decide and work on himself, but I cannot move on until I know either way. I am getting very tired, and starting to get really stressed and emotional about it all. I am terrified that he will be gone forever, and I don't think I have it in me to end it properly. I am also terrified of how long I'll be sitting here like this for...with no idea whether my partner and best friend is ever going to come back to me or not. I can't live in this weird in-between phase, it's horrible. The fact that he doesn't want to see me, but I want to see him all the time is ripping me to shreds.

What would you do? How long would you wait? It would be so much easier if he could show me love, and we could work through this together, as a team. Doing it separately like this is tearing me apart. I love him so much, and it destroys me to see him suffer like this. But I can't do this for much longer, it is not good for me

I love him so deeply, and he has never been nasty or violent towards me or anyone else...only himself. He is incredible, and the qualities he has weigh out the negatives in my opinion...or at least, once his illness is managed they would. I have faith that his illness can be managed effectively. He is an amazingly kind and caring partner. I am scared that I am taking on something that will negatively impact me for the rest of my life, but, I am too in love with him to do otherwise.

I don't know. This whole thing is just so hard...I wish I didn't love him, but I do - more than anything. I want him around forever. Fuck mental illness.

Please, advice or help would be amazing. Thank you to anyone that read this far, and apologies for the gargantuan post!