I don't know what to do anymore...I'm at the end of my rope.

[HerbConnoisseur]

Hi all,
I recently posted in the recovery thread with my plan to change my life around. I was super excited about it, and totally ready to commit to it. I still want to stop more than ever... but some things have changed.. and I know it's no excuse. Recently I was laid off from my job. I was told I would return in 6 weeks, it sucks, but I was stable enough to where I could afford to go 6 weeks without working. Well, I was supposed to start work this Monday, back to 84 hours. My boss called me recently to tell me all has changed, that he doesn't know when I will be able to return to work, and that it's best for me to find something else...and not wait around... I truly love where I was working, the place, the people, the work, the hours, all of it... it's not just losing a job, its like a losing a family, I've worked with these guys for 84+ hours a week, for years... You begin to get pretty close to these people... It sucks.. So as we all know, it's tax return time, so I figured, hell, I'll be okay, I got my tax return to hold me over until I can find something.... WRONG... for private reasons, my expected return of 7-8 grand, has made its way down to a few hundred dollars... I have a family that depends on me, I take care of my grandparents, my younger brother, my mother, and my fiance. I'm in a position of "what in the fuck do I do now?" This dwindling depression I find myself in, is not helping me on my road to recovery... Its actually making it worse... If I didn't have a family, sadly I would of just put a gun in my mouth and called it a day. I am up to my eye brows in debt, and so heavily addicted to painkillers... I just needed to vent... I am in a very dark state of mind... just today I've taken almost 30 10/325 hydrocodone, trying to numb my thoughts, nod out and forget it all... I can't even face my family, I'm so embarrassed with myself... They were convinced we're gonna be okay because I have all this money saved up... well little do they know.. that money has disappeared due to my habit.. close to 40 grand of it... I don't get it... I was in such a solid state of mind just days ago, so motivated to make a change...now this...I guess when it rains it pours. I don't know what to do anymore, I am usually very strong willed, and have dealt with much bullshit in my short life, but this is a new low for me. I know this forum isn't about financial problems, but this mostly has gotten to become this way due to my opiate abuse. I don't know if there is light at the end of this tunnel, will I be able to get back on my feet? will I be able to kick this addiction? Will I be able to find happiness again without the help of opiates? Being in the state of mind I'm in, makes it so difficult to put the pills down... I know some of you have been in my shoes, and maybe you lived to tell about it. I just wanna wake up and have my life back... The reason I come here to post my thoughts, is that usually it helps me tremendously, I can't afford a therapist right now, and have no insurance. So coming here to type out whats on my mind is like getting a enormous boulder off my chest. I'm still very new here, but I have received nothing but positive feedback, which at the end of the day, contrary to belief, really helps me. It gives me the boost to do something about it, instead of whining about it on the internet... anyway, sorry for the depressing post, I just have a lot on my mind and needed to get it off my conscience. Thanks for taking the time to read what I had to say.

-Herb.

 

[Ligaturd]

Do you have health insurance? Get on suboxone if you don't think you can quit and stay quit right now. If you have health insurance to cover it, it will keep you stable and stop affecting your finances. There is a downside to it, you will feel the depression and anxiety that youbwould get from quitting anyways, but it offers stability and a blockade effectively making it impossible to use. You can work/find a job while on it and get back on your feet with the added support of a counsellor. You can approach recovery and finding therapy or help with managing debt while on it.

There are many benefits to maintenance, quitting for good is best left for a time where you can actually dedicate the time to it. Just a suggestion. You aren't going to start feeling better until you start taking steps to correct your problems, right now you are just fully embracing the drugs and falling victim to self destruction and compounding the problem. If you are proactive now you can break the situation down into small steps and start moving forward. Coming out and telling everyone the truth can potentially break your family apart but you should think about how much better you will feel just halting the progression of this downward spiral and not continuing to live a lie. The constant lies really wear at your soul, the farther you go the more you will have to lie and the worse it will become when they do find out about it.

I hate the 12 steps but kaybe check out a meeting and just unload, you will meet others who will have been in similar situations and perhaps they can offer you guidance or just meeting other people who are struggling and hearing about the various ways that they are coping with their problems and trying to move forward.

Whatever you decide to do, I really hope you can find it within yourself to just be honest and start moving in a different direction, accept whatever consequences there may be and work hard at getting everything back in order. It's okay to admit that you fucked up and were too proud to admit it and that you found comfort through escapism with drugs.

 

[P0kemama]

Herb
Just want to let you know that I have read your post and offer my support at such a difficult time. I had a similar experience my first time in recovery, years ago where it seems like everything kinda just came crashing down.

My experience was to go to 12 step meetings. I had to stop the chaos, and I knew it all stemmed from my using. I focused on getting clean, and eventually, things, especially finances, became manageable again. By no means was it an overnight fix, but the daily meetings were a place to be able to find friends who weren't using, to find solutions to my problems and a place to vent, since at that time I did not trust my therapist enough to tell her I was using drugs. ( I didn't want to risk losing my children to Child protection, and therapists are mandated reporters).

Feeling like putting a gun in your mouth is no solution.. that is a sign it is time to stop the madness with the drugs, gain some clarity and get a better perspective on life.
If you do feel seriously like you might self harm, please call your local hotline and get help...there is info here on BL as well. It sounds like a lot of people depend on you.. so that tells me you have a lot of good qualities and are loved.
By the way, every night, 7 days a week, there is an online NA meeting.... 10pm Eastern time, 7pm Pacific time, and you can listen and share there. Just know that the meetings are very structured and take it with a grain of salt. (You can't share about specific opiates, ie percs or vicodin, and you have to signal you want to share, and then get called on). I like to hear about other people's experiences, and so I "attend" several times a week.

Hang in there... I am sure others will be along soon to offer their ideas and encouragement.

 

[My3sons]

I totally understand your financial worries. This will make you feel better about yourself! I decided to blow my entire retirement acct of 125,000 in two years IVing H. Not only did i blow it but i didn't pay proper taxes on it and now am in debt to the IRS! So it could always be worse! I did start mmt in nov and am doing well, however, i have this financial nightmare waiting for me! I am scared to death. I am divorced and also have to take care of the bills alone. Addiction sucks! I recommend trying some sort of maintenance like subs or methadone. You are not alone!