I dont know what ive done to myself

[xbloodwhipx]

I have been doing drugs for well over a year. Mostly pills, ive only been drunk 9 times, honestly smoked weed 1 time. Im not sure what messed me up, adderall, xanax or nitrous oxide, opiates or alcohol.
It couldnt be the alcohol.... I havent done it enough. Im mostly blaming it on adderall, im addicted to adderall. I think the memory issues came from xanax, i was addicted to it for a few months last year.
So, about my proublems. Basically, my memory is like a fog is over it. Its like there is a thick wall between what i can remeber and how i view it. The best way to explain this would be, i can remeber things, but its like there is no sound, no color to my memories. I can only see certain things in my memories, like lets say i have a memory of walking into target (the store). The sky, parking lot, etc, is solid black, its not there. The target is gray, no detail to it. The cars are gray, they are just a car like shape, people all look the same. There is a "fog" over the memory also. its like i cant really focus on that memory for a long time with it dissolving away. I think this is somehow related to xanax...
Okay, now, i feel like im detachted from reality, slightly. Its not depersonilization, one thing is time. Time goes by so fast. Its so odd. I remeber tripping on acid, i was amazed at how slow time was going. I would look up, and the clock would say 3 am. I would look up what felt like 5 mins later, and it would be 5 mins later!
But when im sober, i look up and its 3 pm, then what i feel like is 5 mins later, i look up and its 15 mins later.
I feel like im detacted, but its VERY hard to explain. I daydream almost constantly, and its very hard to focus on anything without drifting off, i keep doing it but my mind feels like its shut off. I first experienced this before i started drugs, i was having a panic attack for the 1st time, and i couldnt stand how this kept happening... It never went away. Its NOT depersonilization, i can tell, the symptoms dont match what im experiencing, and what im experiencing is very hard to put in words, but if i had to put it into words, its like my brain is filled with nothingness, unless i try to focus, but i always drift off back into that nothingness...
Im only 19, i really think drugs screwed me up, but im not sure, do you guys think i have some deseise like schizophrenia?

 

[stardust.hero]

Drug use and the side effects are complex. Not every text book definition of a symptom or reaction is going to be the same for everyone. There are infinite possibilities for how and why you could be reacting.

You alter your state a lot when you do drugs. People in their early drug using career believe that once they aren't high anymore they don't have any side effects, they are back to normal. This is when the body and mind are strong. Over time they will begin to notice negative effects, often for days and weeks afterwards. People begin to panic because they don't correlate the drug use to the feeling because at first this didn't happen. The way I see it is, you build up a tolerance both in the amount of drugs you use and also the amount a drug will affect you afterwards.

I think depersonalization can cover a broad spectrum of symptoms unique to everyone. Same thing with anxiety, depression, panic, etc. You could also not be experiencing depersonalization to a greater extent but the small flashes of strangeness could be it on a smaller scale.

It doesn't sound like what you are describing is a result of having schizophrenia.

 

[i against i]

what you're describing sounds normal to me

 

[herbavore]

It would be good to get thoroughly checked out by a doctor; have you done that?

 

[xbloodwhipx]

Sorry i took so long to reply, no i havent been checked by a doctor but i will, i forgot to mention depression. That just started, very recently. Like within this month. What triggered it was this girl who i had been dating, broke up with me .
We had been dating for 2 years, then out of the blue she says its over, for no reason...
But ya i will get checked by a doctor...

 

[lars90]

I know with the memory exsacly what you meen I used DXM was addicted to it after the 4th time. In totall I did it like 6 times only. always very low doeses but it really screwed me up when Iw as high for 2 weeks oncew caus eI took a ib-profein before DXM cause I had an headache. so I was high for 2 weeks until it got okay then 3 days later I felt the side effekts kick in whcih was like being high for a nother 2 weeks. My dreams were really strong it was like I was in a closed I visual. I could remeber everythign ogf all drems I dremed whihc wer elike 7 to 20 dreams. Their was so much detail. I had complex though which were greate for the first few seconds because it was likie a though that normal people would ahve had to thinkj about for 5 minutes and I had every little detail not in words but inknowlege (hard to explain. It takes along time to find the right words to froumlate the though inot asentance.), but I forgot the whole thing what I was thinging about what I though about before 5 minutes and had real troubles rembering. Even after 11 fucking weeks absence from DXM I still feel the fucking side effekts their are exsacly 6.

Drifitng away:
into nothing (It has gotten better now I can think during this daze now and I can get out of it if I try hard they last for 5 seconds.)

Muscle tiks:
I get them when I lie down in bed my muscle starts contracting every 5 minutes. Its jsut anoying. But I guess I know I have to wiat until those side effekts past then I can get worried.

Snowy vison/HPPD's:
If I drift away or just look around I knotice static int he air like little particles moving though the air. theri blck and its like watching a tv channles that deont get fiull connection. You can see the black things movinfg in the vorground.

Bad short/long term memory:
This has atually imporven Iuse to forget which show I was watching on tv or what cermeshial jsut came or what video I jsut watched or what Iwanteed to get or what I just thought but it has imporved and I ahrdly get that anymore. For the long term its ahrder to go back and soemthings are jsut lost I cant recall them anymore sadly.

Bad picture memory:
I try to rember faces but I can hardly see them like you explained is liek their gray. I can see some that I know very good for 2 seconds before they turn into blackness. I cant even rember the face of the girl I love


Tinitus:
I sometimes but very seldomly get tinitus it like a very loud ringing in my ears that I get for 10 seconds and then fades.


Depreshions:
Theri the very worst I have ever had. I use to be bullied by my "friends" I hated my life I though about comitting suise but then I rember that their were people like my parents and brothers who loved me and I would hurt them more than anyone else. It was an offel feeling because these kids were so damn mean to me. It almost goes to psot traumatic experinces. They were mean mentally not physicly, It hurt so badly wehn they were mean to me. But those depreshons were nothing like the ones that I felt after coming down from the hard core DXM trip. I though I ahd damged my brain forever and that I would always stay this way. I though that it was all over I had rewined my life. Then new ones came. The no reason for living depreshions even though I love my life and its great cause I have many freinds now and a girl . ut soemtimes I jsut get these depreshions and they feel so horrible.

I do belive in onleys theory that DXm causes little micropsopic holes in the brain ( microbes) that make it functions slower.





You'll get better if you stay away from all drugs. Give your self 3 years to heal and youll be able to use your brain like a normal person again. You defenatly have long term damge. Stop now else it might turn into permanant damage. I feel with you mostly opiates dont cause brain damage caus erthy only give you a body high. Its probaly from the dissoatives and pycadelicas you took.

Don't be scared man if you stop now you'll be fine I promise .

Maybe you should go to a docter or therapist like herbavor meshioned already. But try not letting them perscribe you anything. Try coming down the natural way. Your body will depoison its self and get rit of all the subtances on its own. So will your brain regenrated if you exsersie allot and eat healthy.

 

[DeathDomokun]

I'm not meaning to disrespect/offend you lars, but I don't really think using a low dose of dissociative anesthetics a handful of times is comparable to an amphetamine and benzo addiction.
As for the OP, it doesn't sound like schizophrenia. I also don't think you can pin your depression on drugs, in fact I'm not even sure I'd call that depression. Losing something you're attached to, you care about, love even, is a painful experience. It's natural to be filled with pain after something like that, whereas depression is different. That's not to say a bad experience can't trigger depression, but feeling bad after a bad experience doesn't equal depression.
I mean I've personally never been able to photographically remember things, it's like, I just know that this was like this. For example, I know that my room is a light blue, I just know that, but I could never picture it. I might be able to describe it with words (I can't because my memory is shit) but that's about as far as it goes.
I mean, my problems with memory/concentration/cognition/headspace, just my mind in general, started before my drug use. I've also given up trying to control/interfere with it, and it's quite pointless for me to write out my issues.
I somehow managed to make this reply about me..
The brain is pretty resilient, my prognosis is continuing abusing benzos and stimulants (and dis's) will result in a continuation or worsening of your effects.
I'd recommend laying off the drugs, trying to get plenty of rest, and having patience.