I don't have anyone who really understands...

[LivinInExile]

...So it's to you guys I'm turning


For so long my mentality's been "If you can't......Fake it". It's almost a year since my best friend....my brother died. And this past year has been nothing but a combination of pride and shame. Too afraid, too proud, too stupid to stubborn admit to having the problems I do, and I've faked it long enough that I have know idea what I'm supposed it be doing. I don't even have the stones to speak to friends that know somethings up, and care enough that they truly would want to help if I'd open up to them.....I'm so sorry that I just cannot trust them and so thankful that they care, but it's sooo far from anything I was raised to be that I really just do not know what I am supposed to do.

A year and a half ago I was just flat out a junky and my best friend for as far back as I can remember was the same. I'd long sense decided that I HAD to change, I'd came to that realization that I was destroying everything that I touched. Dan hadn't.... After I'd distanced myself and was tapering myself down to well below a third of what I'd used to use and purposely all bridges to users including my friend, he got a hold of me saying that things had changed, he couldn't do it anymore, he wanted to do what I was doing and clean up. My only response was just "Well do it, and get a hold of me when you're done", I said that and hung up on him. Three weeks later I got a phone call from his father telling me that he OD'd and was dead.

I've been haunted by what I told him since he died.

I've been trying desperately the past year to fake that I'm ok. Fake that I've accepted his death, fake that I'm in control of my addiction, fake that I know what I'm doing. But the reality is that I've never been more lost than I am right now. I'm waking up and just staring at my gun and thinking 'Why not, I've destroyed everything else'. The closer it gets to the day he died the more I just want to crawl into a whole with as much opiates as I can find and never come back out. I honestly feel like I've lost all hope of finding a way out of this whole I've dug myself.




I'm sorry if this seems fragmented, and chaotic it's been a while since I've been able to sleep much

 

[noregrets2011]

Don't reach for the gun! I'm sure he wouldn't have wanted you to end your life, and think of your family and friends, they would be devastated!

You can rely on us here, we're anonymous and we're not here to judge you, but even though we don't know you, no-one here wants you to end your life. It may seem like much now, don't think you can battle coming off drugs and mourn at the same time. I have never taken opiates, but I know people who have gone cold turkey, and I can only just begin to think of how it feels like.

This forum is your first step, it shows you have courage to come out and admit it how you feel. I'm sorry I can't offer you practical advice or experiences, but find some help, in confidence, you may not think you can talk to your friends, but you can. Your friends will always be there for you through thick and thin, and if a selection of strangers on the internet can support you, they most definitely can.

It's not an easy road to go down, but it's better to live knowing you've conquered it than to die having done nothing.

Please find help, and don't do anything silly.

 

[Doomed2pain]

I think you'd be really wise to check out the bereavement thread, lots of people going through similar situations to you in there. They could really, really help you. I'm so sorry you feel this way, but you must never ever blame yourself. It's the same with suicide, people blame theirselves when a loved one dies. My uncle committed suicide last year. He was a long term chronic pain patient, and had bipolar. I now find myself in a very similar situation to my uncle, so I understand why he chose to end his life, which a lot of other family members do not have that insight.

Yes I miss him and I wish he'd have talked to me as maybe we could have supported each other. But I completely and sincerely know how it feels to live that way. So it is much easier for me to deal with. I tend to think about all the times we had a smoke together, introducing each other to music, and it makes me smile.

Be strong.

 

[stellablue]

I know you can't see it from where you are, but once you have accepted the fact that if you would have tried to reach out you could have died with him. No one can make someone stop using, and no one freshly detoxed should be the one to help someone else detox. Are you positive you wouldn't have picked it back up if you had not distanced yourself? You know you were not strong enough to stop his addiction, only he could have did that. It is VERY sad that Dan died. It is always sad to lose someone that you love and care about. Especially when you were so close. Trust me in saying that time will help you to accept this tragedy. You can get through this. Living is as easy as breathing with me. Take it day to day. Don't take on everything in a day, space it out. Give yourself time to heal. You will find that if you end your life then he will have died in vain. Make his death mean something and remember that we all have our own destinies. We make our own choices. So you couldn't have changed this. If this was where he was heading then it is blessing you are still with us and didn't die too. Please stop and take time to heal, and placing blame is just a vicious cycle that needs to stop before someone else gets hurt. Be the one to break the cycle. You can do it, and you have a lot of support here.

I think this is a time where the serenity prayer comes in handy.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

 

[LivinInExile]

I know you can't see it from where you are, but once you have accepted the fact that if you would have tried to reach out you could have died with him. No one can make someone stop using, and no one freshly detoxed should be the one to help someone else detox. Are you positive you wouldn't have picked it back up if you had not distanced yourself? You know you were not strong enough to stop his addiction, only he could have did that. It is VERY sad that Dan died. It is always sad to lose someone that you love and care about. Especially when you were so close. Trust me in saying that time will help you to accept this tragedy. You can get through this. Living is as easy as breathing with me. Take it day to day. Don't take on everything in a day, space it out. Give yourself time to heal. You will find that if you end your life then he will have died in vain. Make his death mean something and remember that we all have our own destinies. We make our own choices. So you couldn't have changed this. If this was where he was heading then it is blessing you are still with us and didn't die too. Please stop and take time to heal, and placing blame is just a vicious cycle that needs to stop before someone else gets hurt. Be the one to break the cycle. You can do it, and you have a lot of support here.

I think this is a time where the serenity prayer comes in handy.

The Serenity Prayer
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr

I understand what you're saying and really do appreciate it but can't help but to feel that it's wrong. How can I say that it isn't my fault, or that there's nothing I could have done, or I'd have just taken myself back down with him, when I didn't even try? How can you not be at fault for allowing something you knew would happen to happen?

 

[stellablue]

^ You also knew if you stayed around him you were going to die. You knew to distance yourself. No matter what we want a person or loved one to do whats right for them and to stay healthy. The facts remain that we can not do that. We can not control the actions of anyone but ourselves. Thats why these things happen and it hurts us so badly. We have free will, and we are able to make our choices but not anyone elses no matter how bad we want too. You tried to help him by not using with him. I wished I could say the say at the time my husband ODed but I can't. Do I blame myself, yes at times I still do. It is human nature to try and make it in our control because it is the uncontrolable that scares us most. In retrospect I couldn't have helped him because I couldn't help myself. You couldn't be the one that helped him until you were strong enough because you would have died with him. So then we start thinking. If we can not control it, or if there is no blame then where do we go from there. To be honest it will take time to get your feelings back in your control. That is the only thing we can try and control. You may need to seek help with councling because this is something you may need help doing. Yes, Dan needed help, but you couldn't have got it for him. He would have had to do that himself. You told him that you would be there for him if he stoped using and told him to call you when he took that first step. Apparently he wanted to but just couldn't. That doesn't make it your fault, it makes you see the reason why you stopped using. That is all it leads to is death, and thats why you worked so hard to stop. Please seek help for this tragedy. It took years of therapy and self help exercises before I was able to help myself with the blaming process. My husband died in 1998, and I am still broken. Who do you have in your life as support? Family, friends? Don't make this tragedy even worse by hurting yourself. Please stop this cycle before we lose you too. Life is a gift, and we need to know that it is easily gone with every decision we make. PM me or please continue to talk to us through this thread. You need support, and if the people around you don't understand, then we are here on this board. I do think you need to seek therapy because a board on the internet can only do so much. We are not professionals and can only support you so much. Please take care of yourself, and know how lucky you are that you are not using, and gone too. You have a chance, you can't change what happen. This is the danger we all have when using. Its no ones fault but the disease of addiction. Blame that, not you.

 

[LivinInExile]

Thank you, and I'm sorry to hear about your husband

As far as people I have in my life to talk to... I burnt all bridges I had when Dan died, and the people I have around now they want to understand or think they do understand, but in reality they don't really comprehend addiction. There is one person who I'm very tight with that does understand, and has been there. But she's really not in all that much better of a place than I am and I'm afraid of dragging her down with me.

Maybe it's that I was raised not to discuss 'personal' problems with people who aren't involved. I've tried before to talk to people, but even talking on here with people I'll never meet in person it is one of the hardest things for me to do. I mean last week I was at her house and even nearly blacked out drunk when she asked what was wrong I just couldn't say anything at all. Sober I end up very defensive and angry even though I know that they're just wanting to help

 

[herbavore]

Living, I know the guilt you feel so much. In my case it was my youngest son, my baby. Although we did not have an exchange like you did with your friend, we had many fights over drugs before he overdosed, many naive and ill-informed things came out of my mouth and even though I know my son knew that I wanted to support him I am sure that he felt that I never could. I have been trying to figure out not only how to face my guilt and live with my guilt, but how to use my guilt to do something good rather than to create more pain.

Initially I, too, felt suicidal. I still struggle with a complete disconnect to what was formerly a rich and full life. I caution you to try to be gentler with your perception about yourself. Calling your actions and words "fake" seems very harsh. I think it is more that you are understandably afraid to open up even a little to friends because the dam will then break and who knows what will happen. I live with this every day, too. It is excrutiating.

This pain you are feeling? Who in your life would you honestly want to inflict it on? I draw strength from this knowledge daily. I let myself daydream of hibernating or running away because it is a release-valve for me but never could I inflict this pain on my other son, my husband, the rest of my family or even my friends. Hell, at this point even on my Bluelight friends that I have never met IRL!

No one can talk us out of our guilt, but there are positive and real ways to combat it taking over our thinking and threatening our lives. Buddhist philosophy is what helps me the most; meditation and mindfulness practice as well. Understanding that each person has their own path and that we do not control other's decisions or lives is important to remember.

I am so glad that you came here and posted this. There are a lot of us right there with you. Get that gun out of your house for now. Much love to you.


Here is a thread I started about guilt that might be helpful. Click on this

 

[Doomed2pain]

I can't add anymore, these two covered it perfectly. Just remember this when you're feeling bad, you're not weak, depression is not a sign of weakness, it just means that you've been strong for too long.

I hope you're feeling a little better anyway

 

[LivinInExile]

Just wanted to come back and thank those of you who've posted in this thread.

I've spent quite a bit of time with Dan's family the past couple weeks, and I'm planning on spending much more time with his daughters than I have this past year. I can't say that I'm good with what's happened or what I've done (or didn't do) in the past, but I think I'm ready to let the past be the past.

Thank you

 

[herbavore]

That is so great to hear! This is all we can do--go on from what happened in the past and try in any way possible to create something positive for the future. Spending time with your friend's daughters will be more meaningful to them than you can imagine. I am really happy for you and for Dan's family as well.

 

[BogusBill]

Its awesome that things are getting brighter for you. I know from experience that losing someone close when it feels like it was so preventable really sucks. Sounds like youre on the right track tho. You just have to take it one day at a time.