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I don't get it.

Tude

Tude

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Aug 20, 2011
Messages
11,204
If a "healthy" relationship is defined as a partnership between equals, and you're not supposed to "keep score" in a relationship, how the hell do you go about having a good relationship?
 
If you want to be in a healthy relationship with someone, you need to make sure YOU are healthy within yourself, first. And part of being emotionally-healthy is not needing to "take" from others, or to rely on others for your own emotional wellbeing. It's also about being comfortable giving of yourself to others without expecting equal amounts back.

Then, when you find the right person, you will be more than happy to give them ALL you've got, without expecting or even having to worry that you'll get the same treatment back, because they will do the same for you :) So no-one will need to "keep score" because it will just naturally feel equal.

In my opinion this is why good healthy relationships are so hard to come by, because a LOT of people don't understand this concept....

Here's a song, while we're on the topic :)
Gotye - Learnalilgivinanlovin'
NSFW:
If you're always trying to get to the top
You don't get to the bottom of nothing
Then you're gone before you know it
You'd better stop (stop)
Learn a little giving and loving

It's been done before
C'mon, do it again
'coz if it's good
Then you should share it round
What's the use of keeping
All the good things that you've found to yourself?

Learn a little, learn a little, learn a little giving
Learn a little, learn a little, learn a little giving and loving

You don't gotta keep no other man down
For you to get up
There's no need to worry
Just don't give away your self-respect
'coz if it's all you've got left
The rest don't really matter now anyway honey

But give away love (give it)
And give it for free
No strings attached
Just don't ask for it back

Learn a little, learn a little, learn a little giving
 
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But if people were content without having relationships, the only relationships we'd have would be from impersonal interaction (business and such)
I agree that looking to others for validation and all that shit is silly, because the cornerstone of your wellbeing is fleeting and it's just a bad idea, but with that said, others do/can make you feel good.
I mean I don't even know, I really don't. I'm very alone, so I don't know whether
Fuck I can't even think. I had something to say, but it's gone
Fucking fuck.
Like if you don't have anyone, you get lonely sometimes. So it's about finding that balance between others making you feel good when you're with them and depending on them for those feelings.
Whether you take it, or it's given to you, if there are no others it's extremely hard to be healthy. It's like the chicken and the egg, you can't just rely only on yourself and not have anyone else and expect to be capable of building a relationship, but at the same time if your whole world view is dependant on having someone else with you to make you feel good. They can make you feel good without becoming attached and engrossed.

I don't even know. I don't have the experience to give an opinion.
 
Interesting. If one partner feels like he or she is giving too much, or doing too much, then that is the sign of an unhealthy relationship. But relationships should include both giving and taking. If you feel like you're doing too much giving then that may be the time to re-evaluate the relationship.
 
The original post is implying that one must keep score? I guess looking at a romantic/pairing type relationship as an ongoing transaction with some expected short and long term benefits is more honest than anything else.
 
cheerio said:
The original post is implying that one must keep score? I guess looking at a romantic/pairing type relationship as an ongoing transaction with some expected short and long term benefits is more honest than anything else.
Click to expand...



I'm not implying one must keep score. I should've been more clear. I'm confused as to how an equal relationship works.

Thanks to everyone for their input. Y'all gave me good stuff to think about.
 
if i feel as if ive invested more into the relationship than the other person is that a flaw on my part?
 
GenericMind said:
Relationships where both parties are truly equal are almost non-existent.
Click to expand...

Agreed. I don't think it is about equilibrium as much as compliment. Each person accentuates the other by simply being who they are. To sort of piggyback on what n3o said, this works best if each person is reasonably fit in each area of life.

Furthermore, it isn't about dependence or needing a person, but thoroughly enjoying a relay point for your life.

For me, it is natural to "keep score," line myself up to the accomplishments/qualities/transgressions of another. I have to be conscious of when I am using another person to qualify/condemn myself. Using a mate as a character barometer makes me insecure and a far less enjoyable and accountable boyfriend.
 
if you have a good relationship you would not feel the need to keep score, you just know.
 
GenericMind said:
Relationships where both parties are truly equal are almost non-existent.
Click to expand...

That is very VERY true. And sometimes it switches, who gives more than the other. There are times when my boyfriend does soooo much for me and I'm not doing much for him. Then there are other times when it is the opposite.
In my previous relationship, I noticed that I was doing a LOT for him and he just wasn't doing anything back. And then I realized he never did. When you start to really notice it, and it bothers you, then that's the clue that is isn't really an equal/healthy relationship.

I think that, as long as the difference isn't noticeable by either partner, then it can be a healthy relationship.
 
To piggy back off what some of has been said, a relationship is not solid. Well it is, but it's not-
First, you've got 2 different people who have both acted in a way that brought them to the same place in the same time, and then they've talked and said the right things and yada yada.
Then you kiss and do other shit, all the while time is progressing and your relationship is changing.
This is a progression of moments, and if each one were filled with the same it would be shit.
The balance isn't about that, the balance is about experiencing extremes and variations whilst you try to work out a subjective balance based on your genuine notions about things.
Well no, balance is whatever you make it to be. What I mean by this is, there are no rules on how to attain balance, but if you have balance the means by which you achieved it are frivolous.
Anyway, just some thoughts from an ignoramus.
 
Oh yeah and all those moments are like a mountain. They're yours, and you can look back on those moments at any time. You will see the beginning, the valleys and peaks, all that shit. Those moments will always be there, they would have happened and there is nothing that can take that moment away. Except for shit memory, then you're just left with this vague, messy, unclear, filthy clusterfuck of cornerstone notions and disgusting residual emotional and psychological problems. The moments are still there, you just can't recall them, and it's just a matter of how much you value the clear recollection when you have a firm certainty on the occurrence of those moments.
 
There is a big difference between people having synergy and bringing balance to one another, and people acting 'equal'.
I really think the former is what you should have, as the latter would have no beef like noodles ;)
 
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