I don't feel like I have any love in my life anymore and I don't how much how long I

[Speed King]

I realize I don't feel any love in me anymore. I don't believe that the love I receive is real and the love I want, I don't feel is attainable.

 

[Erikmen]

This sort of questioning happens with us eventually.
I don't know how old you are, but this is pretty common when we feel we are not that young anymore or sometimes simply due to lower testosterone levels.

From my experience I can tell you that might not be entirely true. People obviously love and care for you. The moment you start to question whether love exists in you it might be related to the feelings we have about ourselves, and if this is not enough we tend to project this image.

Try to see what has changed in your life. Give yourself sometime as this might be only a phase.
In case you are really worried about it and this is in connection with physical symptoms, look for a doctor and make some exams. If this is only what you think but others don't really see it, you might want to look for someone to talk to. Either a trustable friend or to a therapist.

 

[Speed King]

Thank you

 

[DixiChik]

Idaknow, SK...Is it that you are over-medicating to avoid deeper issues? Could these feelings of loss of love be med-related? Are you looking for escape through your meds?

I'm not judging, nor would I ever do so.

As Erich said, there are pivotal points in our lives where we take our own inventory, so to speak. I know that I personally feel like I have given much more of myself than I have ever received in return. I've always been more invested in the happiness and well-being of others than of myself. I've suffered through much, physically and emotionally, in hopes of better days ahead. I've sacrificed my own well-being to attend the needs of others. I have a hard time saying "no" so I tend to be the one folks count on. Yet, those same people show no hesitation in saying NO to me, or making lame excuses, or just not showing up. Most of these share my DNA.

I find solace in the love and devotion of my husband of 35 years. That has not always been the case, as he betrayed me @ our 15 year mark. We separated, but through counseling (and the grace of God) we reconciled. The devil is always on my shoulder, as I will never truly trust him again.

I've tried for 20 years to forgive, knowing that hatred only poisons ME. There are days when I allow myself to go to that place of heartbreak and primal anger...I wish I had killed them both, and then myself. Pathetic, isn't it? There is no drug, no substance that will erase the pain and betrayal. I know he loves me and I love him, but there will always be that sense of loss.

I don't know your story, but I think you suffer with some chronic pain, as do I, right? You also "seem" to use recreationally or seeking the "high" or "escape". I can't know your heart or your mind. I do know that drugs aren't the answer if you are medicating to feel numb. I read (forgive me if I'm wrong) that you used some synthetics recently. Do you have a death wish, my brotha?

My pain and suffering, which does not cease with meds, is exacerbated by the choking of my bowels and bladder. I'm cluster-fucked, with no hope in sight. I'm steady looking for the EXIT myself. I tell myself "not yet"...but I know the time will come for me to choose whether I continue to exist in pain, or end it all.

Not tonight, friend. There are many here who care about you and want to see you pull yourself back together. You can do it. We're here for you, SK. You can PM me if you want my email addy. Try to get some rest. Perhaps things will seem clearer in the morning sunlight.

 

[Speed King]

Yea, DC and anyone intrested( just had a breakthrough) a bit of it all. Okay, no suicide, but major, major changes are coming drastically fast( with the Lord by my side) in a good way, but as much as I'm told, it's not my fault, I feel that some part of everyone else's issues are due to me being first in line of four siblings. I have three sisters. Two of them are getting married, three months apart. The third mentioned she is next. I on the other hand had my wife leave two days before my son was born. He will be 16 years old this year. Okay, I had cancer. Yay, the Lord immediately healed me. At the end of treatment, the cancer was gone, but I had a hard year of rehab, in some way, shape or form, ahead of me. Then my f***ing/awesome insurance decides to try to get me disability after the cancer clears. On top of no power or energy, I couldn't work or I'd blow the outside chance of disability. Then every health issue( okay a number) hit me. So I can't really work out, I have no money and the year off didn't pay. I'm not crippled, but it sure feels like it. Now, I transferred to a so/so pain doctor from the best one IMO, on earth. The good news is I have a most excellent physical therapist. The bummers are slowing down a bit. I got a spinal epidural. Btw, no body mentioned they hurt like a bitch. I wake up at night in extreme pain. It feels like a month and it's been two weeks. So, by default, I've been pushing up the doses a little by little. Mainly for pain, somewhat for recreation (don't they go hand in hand to a point?). I'm afraid to mention this to my psych doc( favorite on earth, atm) but she gave me a cheek swab , gene test. Good news, I'm most sensitive to Valium(good shit). Bad news, in the past two months, I went through roughly 3600mg of Valium and I'm 20 days / 600mg, in the red Atm. The good news about accidently getting into noids, is if you have any brain or hope, you get scared straight off. Not scared, but you wise up. Plus, I would take a tiny bit and sleep for 12 hours. I started the tripping part by finding and eating like 5200 mg of DXM in a course of two weeks. It helped with the pain. That's where I am now. Pain both mental and physical, the fear of not finding a woman that will love you back, and 25 years, changing within a month. Oh, Percocet, Valium, Temazepam and dextroamphetamine all in excellent quantities when not abusing, don't hurt either. Comeback?

 

[Moreaux]

You've been through a lot of traumatic events over a long period of time, I can certainly understand how mentally and physically exhausting it is. I can also understand how frustrating it is to be stuck doing nothing because you have no other options...I was stuck like that for two years and had some of the darkest thoughts of my life during that time, not to mention it devestated my ego. By the time I was able to go back to work, I had zero self confidence and could barely function. I don't know what your situation is now, but if you want to work but are not allowed to try volunteering as it gives you a way to productively pass your time without messing up disability. As for wathcing other people find love while you are alone and already feel low, I understand how it makes you feel even worse. I used to ask myself numerous times a day what is so horrible about me that I have to be alone. It sucks. I think other people can sense when you feel low, and subconsciously, it pushes them away, sort of like an invisible red flag. When I finally pulled myself out of that hole and started feeling better and working again, I ended up meeting the man that I would eventually marry. Ironically, I wasn't looking for a relationship at that time.

I can relate to so much of what you say, but I can't help but to think that some of the meds/drugs you are taking may be making your depression worse. At the peak of my terrible feelings I was using a lot of benzos. I had a lot of depression and related anxiety, and I thought benzos were one of the few things that made me feel better. In hindsight they were making me feel worse. They were contributing to the depression and amplifying the anxiety. You are on a lot of substances right now, and in fairly high doses and it makes me wonder if they are doing more harm than good to your mental health right now. Have you considered dropping any of the doses, particularly the DMX, and maybe the Valium?

I can tell you the doses are not healthy, and it's really hard to begin a new healthy relationship with a healthy girl when you are not healthy. Healthy emotionally stable people are not attracted to addicts and substance abusers, which is why I was alone for so many years in my young adult life, and that caused me to be very resentful and bitter. It wasn't until I got sober that realized why I was alone, and I can't fault anyone for not wanting to be with me back then. I wouldn't date someone with such a hectic life and dour attitude towards life. I am not saying that you are not worthy of being loved, or that nobody will be interested in you. I'm saying that I think you need to leave the past in the past, and focus on getting yourself in a better headspace, lessen the amount of substance you consume, and then appreciate how better you you feel. I think once you get to that point l, love will happen.

 

[Speed King]

Benzo, would light benzo and a little weed, compared to currently how I feel, be all that bad? Btw, I'm building up the courage to ask this girl near me to go to a Widespread show as friends.im willing to dial stuff down.

 

[Moreaux]

Benzo, would light benzo and a little weed, compared to currently how I feel, be all that bad? Btw, I'm building up the courage to ask this girl near me to go to a Widespread show as friends.im willing to dial stuff down.

That's very encouraging! Fingers crossed for you! Light benzo use and a little weed would be a lot healthier than what you're doing now. Just be careful with long term benzo use in any amount - they work and you feel great until they stop working and then you exist in one of the worst hell's imaginable.

Please let us know what she says!

 

[Speed King]

Thanks for the encouragement x benzo girl. I can tone it down. I'm tired of the noise. Your a positive example. Thanks.

 

[Foreigner]

You are love. It's how you were born and what you were born to be. It's not a resource you go out and catch. You're a fish that's forgotten it's already in water.

 

[Speed King]

Wow. That's deep for me at the moment. I'm going to have to forgive and forget. I can't trace where the negativity set in. I'll be happy to move forward from here ?