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I don't feel as manly as I want to

tommy34

tommy34

Bluelighter
Joined
Sep 13, 2010
Messages
313
Hey everyone, I am a 22 year old, heterosexual male. All my life I have lived with girls and I have never had a significant male influence in my life. My dad lives along way away and we only see him once a year or every two years. We didn't see him much growing up because he was abusive to my mother and she didn't want me to grow up treating people like that. She was successful, I am not violent at all and I am scared of violence. When I see a fight or someone being dragged by security I get extremely anxious and don't like watching.

My feminine side has never really bothered me and I actually embraced it because girls like to hang out with me. I have more female friends that male and I have a girlfriend. All my male friends are non-violent as well and I wouldn't interact with anyone that was violent because I just don't trust people like that. I have come to a point in my life where all my male friends are manly and I don't feel that way at all. I would like too and I have recently considered testosterone therapy but I don't know if it is worth it or if they would give it too me as I am not a female trapped in a male body or anything. Does anyone else feel this way or know any possible remedy? I have been going to the gym lately and I guess the extra testosterone from that helps but I am really weak I think for my size and weight. I also have belly fat like a women, like my body is preparing for a baby. The rest of my body is kinda slim.
 
I think you just need to come to terms with yourself, and your personality. There is nothing that says you need to be a manly man. You're going to the gym, that's great. My boyfriend is a 22 year old straight guy too, he's slightly feminine. He's shorter than average, he's really slim. He's better at fashion than I am. We have all sorts of friends - male, female, manly, feminine, etc. But what is wrong with it???
 
I can relate. I had an abusive dad and I can be very girly sometimes, even more girly than some of my friend girls. I sometimes have a problem with it and sometimes I like it. Being sensitive and not enjoying fighting, sports or spiting on a cube doesn't make you a better or worst person. But the thing here is that it bothers you and that's fine, you just have to do something about it. (for the record, and before I forget about this, testosterone causes body fat to be stored in the belly and makes your face look sharp and thin, whereas estrogens make the fat go to the thights, boobs and face -hence those pretty round faces that girls have-, so if you have a big gut then don't complain cause that jsut means you're biologically manly)
If you don't like your attitude, change it. It's like anything else in life, start small, learn how to grab a woman for example. When you take a picture or just try to get a girl to move out of your way at a party, put that hand on her lower back and do it without hesitating. She will like to be held right and you will like it too. Trust me, that move is very freaking important for people to *think* you're a manly man, and getting them to think you are something is basically half of what it takes to be it. So grab them, chicks dig. When you can take charge, take charge. When you can't, don't. Stepping back is as much a part of being a man as stepping up. Also you are probably needing male contact from older men. Guys your own age won't cut it. You need to show yourself you can put up with "manner" mans. Talk to the old guy in the gym (he needs to prove himself he can be up to talking to a younger male, so it's a win-win).
I'll think of more later. Maybe all these stuff is super bad advice, given that I'm a suer loser and I'm a 20 year old who still enjoys watching rocket power. But whatever. (The grabbing thing is awesome though)
 
Dude I totally get you.

I hae always been a bit of a mummies boy, my dad was working mostly, and so I didn't get a good balance. See it as a plus, coz your gf does. So you may havve a bit of fem in you - women love that (man with a lil bit of fem in them), it's no biggie - there's no need to be manly manly, although fixing stuff, reading maps, and being stronger than most women is a good start. Get there and the rest won't matter, just accept who you are and take time to hang out with older mature peers who can teach you about the things in life you didn't learn about from your dad. That is what I'm doing, and I'm catching up fast.

Peace - keep your fucking head up high boyo!
 
I too have spent most of my life with the finer sex. However, in terms of feeling complete as a man, I don't think there's anything wrong or incomplete about you? That's purely something psychological going on in your head, however what expectations do you feel you're not living up to? If you ask me, you're doing just fine, you seem content to me. It's fine to be non-violent, in fact it's a really good thing. I bet you attract all types of good energy, people, and situations.

Violence isn't for everyone. I have some issues with rage but it's highly selective and is part of PTSD. Violence is not something to be envied. Knowing how to fight, how to completely disable or even further incapacitate someone can really work against you. You can wind up into some very serious legal problems. You don't want to be "that guy" trust me.

Anyways, why are you considering testosterone therapy? Do you know how bad that is for a healthy young man like yourself to be taking?? You should have blood tests done to make sure you don't have Low Testosterone, however chances are you're just fine and this is psychological. Exercise is a great first step for getting in touch with your masculinity, I also recommend you really work the diet, supplements/vitamins, and proper sleep hygiene.

Best of luck to you man.
 
Why would you even want to be a "manly" man?
Violence is shitty, and alphamale behaviour isn't something we all need to aspire to.
Rather than trying to fit a certain stereotype, I think you should work on accepting yourself as you are!
Seems to me that there are a lot of advantages to being a non-blokey (as we Australians say) man.
As others have said, I dont think hormones are the answer here.
If it really bothers you, maybe see a counsellor or read some books on the subject of gender roles?
I'm not a conventional guy, I prefer the company of women, but I am thankful for being the way I am.

Self acceptance is a poweful and underrated thing!
 
^ funny you say that but it's not really alphamale behavviour - alpha make the plans not get too rowdy. Alpha male bahavviour is DEFINITELY something to aspire to, being a beta male is something for those with only a few brain cells to knock together.

OP - even in up by getting a lot of male bonding time - havve you seen that film "I love you man"?!?! see it.
 
Perhaps what I mean is stereotypical, heteronormative male.
I don't think men should aspire to fit a determined role any more than women should. I see gendered behaviours as a spectrum rather than a black-and-white thing.
Then again, perhaps the OP really feels the need to fit in order to accept himself, rather than the other way around.
 
^ I reckon he is too.

We aren't anything but animals AND human beings - speaking in such simplistic terms is talking about yourself like you are just an animal, instead of a highly intelligent sentient being capable of unspeakable things...

And I was never saying it was b&w, I don't think it is either - humans are way too complex!
 
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i see many more advantages in being able to hang comfortably with girls than being 'one of the boys'. that's just me though...
i don't just mean this as a heterosexual male - like "hey ladies" or any shit like that but just that being able to relate to women can be a pretty neat skill for a guy to have.

i guess i'm lucky to have guys and girls in my life that don't care whether or not i can 'be a man' about certain things, but i suppose i came to terms with that a long time ago, and i would quickly put anyone in their place that said i was less of a man than any other guy, just because i don't exhibit a great deal of things in common with 'manly' men. we are who we are, and while i have seen people change from being artistic, gentle and slightly effeminate guys into being masculine blokes, it's not something i see very often - and i'm always a little troubled by it.

i actually think the most manly thing to do in the OP's situation is be defiant about the masculinity thing. the posturing of masculinity pecking-orders is a game, and as soon as you submit to it, you will be put lower in that hierarchy. if you refuse to play the man's man, and just be yourself, your friends will hopefully respect that.
if they don't...well, i don't know what sort of friends they are.

i hope my sleep deprived ramblings are somehow helpful :)
 
max_ said:
I can relate. I had an abusive dad and I can be very girly sometimes, even more girly than some of my friend girls. I sometimes have a problem with it and sometimes I like it. Being sensitive and not enjoying fighting, sports or spiting on a cube doesn't make you a better or worst person. But the thing here is that it bothers you and that's fine, you just have to do something about it. (for the record, and before I forget about this, testosterone causes body fat to be stored in the belly and makes your face look sharp and thin, whereas estrogens make the fat go to the thights, boobs and face -hence those pretty round faces that girls have-, so if you have a big gut then don't complain cause that jsut means you're biologically manly)
If you don't like your attitude, change it. It's like anything else in life, start small, learn how to grab a woman for example. When you take a picture or just try to get a girl to move out of your way at a party, put that hand on her lower back and do it without hesitating. She will like to be held right and you will like it too. Trust me, that move is very freaking important for people to *think* you're a manly man, and getting them to think you are something is basically half of what it takes to be it. So grab them, chicks dig. When you can take charge, take charge. When you can't, don't. Stepping back is as much a part of being a man as stepping up. Also you are probably needing male contact from older men. Guys your own age won't cut it. You need to show yourself you can put up with "manner" mans. Talk to the old guy in the gym (he needs to prove himself he can be up to talking to a younger male, so it's a win-win).
I'll think of more later. Maybe all these stuff is super bad advice, given that I'm a suer loser and I'm a 20 year old who still enjoys watching rocket power. But whatever. (The grabbing thing is awesome though)
Click to expand...

Sorry, but the part I bolded is not correct. Just because you have a belly, does NOT mean you are stocked up on testosterone. In fact, when a male is lacking testosterone they are more likely to store body fat (in general, no specific place, everyone has their 'stubborn' areas).

OP if you are looking for signs of 'low t' they would be more like: Lack of a sex drive, lethargy, excess bodyfat, moodiness, and lack of muscle, along with trouble building muscle.

You should see your doc, one hormone panel blood test would get to the bottom of this. -- I know a few guys who suffer from low T and it's horrible, if that is the case I wouldn't hesitate going on TRT. The guys that I know that went on TRT said its the best decision of their life, they finally feel like a man.
 
tricomb said:
I too have spent most of my life with the finer sex. However, in terms of feeling complete as a man, I don't think there's anything wrong or incomplete about you? That's purely something psychological going on in your head, however what expectations do you feel you're not living up to? If you ask me, you're doing just fine, you seem content to me. It's fine to be non-violent, in fact it's a really good thing. I bet you attract all types of good energy, people, and situations.

Violence isn't for everyone. I have some issues with rage but it's highly selective and is part of PTSD. Violence is not something to be envied. Knowing how to fight, how to completely disable or even further incapacitate someone can really work against you. You can wind up into some very serious legal problems. You don't want to be "that guy" trust me.

Anyways, why are you considering testosterone therapy? Do you know how bad that is for a healthy young man like yourself to be taking?? You should have blood tests done to make sure you don't have Low Testosterone, however chances are you're just fine and this is psychological. Exercise is a great first step for getting in touch with your masculinity, I also recommend you really work the diet, supplements/vitamins, and proper sleep hygiene.

Best of luck to you man.
Click to expand...

Sorry, not trying to pick on you guys; but no, what is so unhealthy about taking an injection of testosterone to get you into the 'normal ranges' for someone your age????
 
To me, your life as you've described it sounds pretty good. You've got a number of mates, a girlfriend and a seemingly good brain on your shoulders, coupled with good morals. I understand your insecurity about this matter, but if this is who you really are, and people like you for it, I wouldn't sweat about it.

Best of luck with your issues :)
 
I dunno, the words "masculine" and "feminine" are so broad and varied as to make them meaningless statements.

What specific trait(beyond those of karotype and testicles), activity, idea, thing, or pursuit, is in of it self objectively implies maleness the human social identity sense?

Muscle? Not per se. All humans have muscle, males tend to have more, but it is by no means exclusive to males, or humans for that matter. Making it not a differentiated trait that can be used to distinguish fuck all.
Being scared of violence of a female only thing?! You seem excessively so, but that's a different issue in of it self.
What else? maybe cooking and cleaning? Is feminine. But being independent is masculine. Being independent does not negate the requirement to eat or have hygiene, which implies cooking and cleaning. Therefore we have an inconsistent system, from which we can derive any conclusion, of course that means we derive completely fallacious bullshit.


I'm not trying to be a postmodernist hippy dipshit who rejects reality. (shit, I'm in the forces and have science degree...furthest thing from being one ya can get) But I think you are attempting to match a vaguely defined, somewhat fallacious, socially constructed image. I'd ignore the concept, and do that which you find enjoyable, or profitable, and which with you are comfortable doing. IMO, One comes off WAY more bad ass as a person when you have an air of not giving a fuck on how people choose to assign you an arbitrary category.
 
OP, you sound like there's nothing wrong with you. Just do you.
 
boltfan909 said:
Sorry, not trying to pick on you guys; but no, what is so unhealthy about taking an injection of testosterone to get you into the 'normal ranges' for someone your age????
Click to expand...

You didn't read my post, or maybe I didn't make it clear enough, I was saying him getting on TRT if he didn't have low testosterone would be a horrible idea.
 
too many xeno estrogens in the environment and in foods these days, quite possible you are low T. Do a 24 hour saliva hormone test for best results.
 
I've been there. I still sometimes worry that I'm not 'macho' enough sometimes. I'm an athlete, I do many extreme sports and 'manly' things but at the same time I have a naturally lean physique and a 'pretty' face.

I'm also very sensitive and attentive, don't really get along with total bros unless they're pretty real dudes. Honestly it's working out damn good for me, with women, work and school.

I'm just learning to accept myself and love who I am. You can change some things, like hittin the gym to get bigger. Nothing wrong with that. But who you at mentally, spiritually and emotionally is so mug more important.

Rock that shit. Whatever it might be
 
rangrz said:
What else? maybe cooking and cleaning? Is feminine. But being independent is masculine. Being independent does not negate the requirement to eat or have hygiene, which implies cooking and cleaning. Therefore we have an inconsistent system, from which we can derive any conclusion, of course that means we derive completely fallacious bullshit.
Click to expand...

+ 1

I would like to say that a relatively universal difference between men and women is their approach to conflict-resolution. In other words, men appear more prone to physical violence, whereas women tend to fight with their words, by spreading rumors, by gossiping, by telling any and every woman who will listen to them just how much of a slut so-and-so is...

I do believe that there may be some evolutionary reason and evidence for this as well, and I do know that, growing up with two women myself and without there being much of a real male presence in my life or whatever, I tend to approach conflicts very much in the same way, with my words and not so much with my fists.

But, then again, my girlfriend is an anthropology major, and I'm sure that she would be able to tell me more about some tribe in who-knows-where and how the women of said tribe are more physically aggressive than the men... (shrugs) so who knows?

Again, I would like to believe that all of this is true, and my observation of the men and women I've known leads me to believe it, but I know that it's likely not a universal difference between men and women and it just appears that way to me.
 
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