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I cut myself today

brandonerr

brandonerr

Bluelighter
Joined
Jan 16, 2010
Messages
179
Location
Milwaukee, WI
It's been maybe 2 or 3 years since I've actually followed through with cutting myself. Almost every time I was stressed out i'd think of it, but didn't follow through.

I'm 19 years old and I live with my aunt. I'm chest deep in fines for marijuana charges and I lost my car and my job.

I do tons of work around the house to help my aunt and she still feels it necessary to shout the most hurtful degrading phrases at me and she makes sure to cut deep. She either thinks it's going to "motivate" me or she really wants me to be as psychologically disturbed as she is. Fucking xanax popping cat bitch..

But I'm upset now. I didn't want to cut myself but it made me feel a lot better. Now I'm worried I'll pick up my old habit where I left off.
 
Ok... first up im really sorry to hear that things are not going well for you, cutting is not the answer theres a thread espesialy 4 this topic for support, I strongly suggest that you head over there and have a read and post for help.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=568585

Nb, ive been there b4 i didnt cut but i burnt once or twice it seems to be a wide and very concerning problem, anyway hope that thread can help you more than i.
Stay strong, all is never lost, theres tonnes of support here<3
 
For a different situation, the same thing happened to me a couple months ago --- did it for the first time in 3 years, and then was afraid I'd keep doing it again. I felt really embarrassed by it, and did it a second time, but haven't again since and its been a few months now. I know exactly how you feel OP, you're not alone <3 The failure feeling tends to hurt the most. Don't feel bad about living with your aunt at 19, I'm 24 and just had to move back in with my dad. Living with family is rough, emotions tend to run higher than when living away from them and just coming to visit, hang in there <3
 
In my experience, once you're addicted to the act, regardless how long you've abstained from the act, the thought it always there. The quick fix, the quick release. But even though the thoughts may be ever present, I think they can be overcome.

Just take time and pause, think about how bad you'll feel after the fact versus how you'll feel immediately after. I've dealt with this for 12 years. Please PM me or IM me if you need support or just someone to talk to.
 
You have to find something to replace those urges. Find something that you love, perhaps something NEW to you and stick to it. Something enjoyable, that is not degrading to your health. I'm talking about healthy things such as making music, taking up hobbies etc. I produce music and create art whenever I am feeling down. It really helps me when I am feeling hopeless.
 
I'm not experienced with cutting particularly but I think just like any "relapse" with substance use, a single incident does not need to lead back to any full habit.

Do you have any alternative living situations? Even will intentioned people may say hurtful things that are not in the best interest of the recipient.

Regardless of your actions, there is no need to feel guilty and guilt is usually an effective way of continuing behaviors in an attempt to alleviate that guilt.

There's nothing "wrong" in a moral sense with what you did, but cutting is likely to not be in your best interest at this point. If you know what triggered this incident then that may help you avoid from engaging in it in the future.
 
I relapsed myself, just this night. I regret it. I wish I didn't do it. But your desires often overcome any rational thinking, like no this isn't right. I am very disappointed in myself.

But this is how it's been...just once in a while. Each and every time you think it'll throw you under the bus...but time happens and it's not the case. I think that when you get older you have more self control and it's only those few breakthroughs where you give in to the sharp nemesis.

I really wish I didn't tonight, really wish I didn't.
 
Legerity said:
There's nothing "wrong" in a moral sense with what you did, but cutting is likely to not be in your best interest at this point. If you know what triggered this incident then that may help you avoid from engaging in it in the future.
Click to expand...

I guess what triggered it was so much built up stress and having no other way to deal with it, I needed something, I had already punched the door and the wall.

I'm also on probation so I can't really smoke a joint or anything. A lot of this is because of legal issues and I feel like my life is fucked.

Every time I get a job I quit because it literally feels like my head will explode the whole time. And when I don't have a job it makes me feel worthless and pathetic.

It seems like I'm stuck in this spot I just wish I could start life over again..
 
^It makes sense that you should feel frustrated like this, considering all that has been and all that is going on in your life right now.<3

Maybe you just need time/space to sort out whats going on for you and what you need and dont need and how to deal with things to suit your needs; before you go trying to sort everything else out?
Are you getting any other support/Therapy brandonerr?
 
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