I can't handle it - petty relationship stuff I guess

[Chazzout]

The first girl I ever really, really loved, after living together for almost a year (after another year long distance dating) started spending a lot of time with one mutual friend. My concerns were brushed off as jealousy, even though she was borderline cuddling him in front of me some nights. I'm not the type of guy that would ask a lover not to hang out with one of their friends, so I only ever brought it up because it made me uncomfortable and when she told me he was her friend and that's how she treated friends I had to trust her. It hurt then and it hurts more now, because eventually throughout one week she flipped the story, was in love with him, wanted to be polyamorous with him with no primary, and broke up with me when I told her I just couldn't handle it.

3 months on and I just can't fucking handle it. I had some periods of barely getting out of bed, anxiety, depression, and tons of self harm. I started cutting WAY more than I ever had. Occasionally, occasionally I get a week where it's like "okay, I'm good now" and then things just go straight to shit again. I can't stop thinking about her and him. If I do, I start having dreams about her.

I wasn't like this before the breakup. I hadn't been like this in years. This is not how I was while dating this woman or during my happy months before meeting her.

I'm in therapy and it is helping maybe at a snail's pace. Ativan is barely curbing my anxiety. I ended up face down in a parking lot crying last time I went out to an event that involved one of our mutual friends.

I don't want to this to be part of my life but it doesn't seem to be leaving. I barely have any regular friends in this city anymore and I wish I had a group of people I could just hang out with and be supported by. The anxiety attacks occasionally happen when I'm biking - usually my favourite activity!

I have this new girl, not committed yet, and I feel like we're already doomed because I can't bear the thought of committing to another person. Also I keep noticing how she is different from my ex and feeling so empty realizing that I'll never find someone like that again. I can't handle this happening again. BUT I DON'T TALK TO ANYONE ELSE to try to sleep with other people because I'm WEAK.

I keep thinking about suicide but rather resolutely don't want to do it. But I kind of wish I did want to? Because my music career is FAILING HARD, I got HARDCORE BETRAYED by someone I loved more strongly and passionately than I ever had, and I just don't have a lot to look forward to except releasing my next EP but even then I can't find a FUCKING BAND after 3 YEARS to play my shit live.

I hate myself and I hate that I've made such stupid choices, and I hate that I will continue to. I hate that something so STUPID as a fucking relationship just keeps barging back into my thoughts and ruining weeks of my time. I hate that I can't achieve the things I want and that my life is so boring and lonely. I don't know what to do but something needs to change or something has to break ahhhhhhhhhh

thanks for listening bluelight, sorry

 

[herbavore]

Hey, no need for apologies--most of us have probably had our hearts taken out and stomped on a few times and can relate.8( I have a couple of things to say, especially as it was your first true love. First love has a whole added layer of excitement because not only is it the endorphin rush of love, it's a brand new experience. Before you find out everything that can go wrong even between two perfectly great people you tend to attribute that to the person you are in love with when at least some of the that soul deep comfort comes from the fact that you have just opened up your heart for the very first time. So it's easy to over-romanticize the first love of our lives. I've seen this so many times with people my age (60's) that decide that the true love of their lives was that girl or guy they first fell in love with back in high school. Then they reconnect, it's all wonderful as they see each other through that lens until the person starts to be a real person with flaws like everyone else and then they crash and burn. So I guess the moral of that story is to appreciate the wonderful experience that was your first love but don't fall into the trap of "there will never be another like her". You'll change as life changes and so will your tastes and desires and what you value in a person.

That brings me to the second thought I had:it sounds like you need time to grieve and you are trying to jump into another relationship when you are still mourning the loss of the last one. As hard as it can be, try to do things to feel good about yourself regardless of whether or not you are with anyone else. When I was in my twenties someone really broke my heart for the first time and I thought I wanted to die over it. Everything in my life looked like a failure to me and I felt really alone. I made a decision to be celibate for a year, to start a relationship with myself--one in which I developed my interests, made real friends, learned new things, pushed the comfort envelope. You don't have to go that far (celibacy) but do try to focus on you. You can learn how to be sensitive without falling apart, how to deal with anxiety without substances and how to just feel that you have a center than no one can really shake no matter how much hurt you may feel at losing them.

Keep up with your biking and the therapy and maybe try getting involved in some volunteer work that gets you around new people. One of the things I did was to start doing things with people that were a lot older than I was. It helps to get out of the paradigm of just our own peers and just a very narrow group of them at that! Good luck. I know it hurts but I know that a person that embodies both sensitivity and strength is the luckiest person in the end. Strength takes time and patience and compassion for yourself. most of us that are born with sensitive natures sometimes wish we weren't quite so sensitive but I've found that just adding that core strength makes the balance of the two the sweetest spot to be in.

 

[Listening]

First of all, give yourself a break. I know you want her out of your mind already, but you're allowed to be upset for as long as you need to be (even if you wish you weren't). This will pass. Accept it as something transient.

I have this new girl, not committed yet, and I feel like we're already doomed because I can't bear the thought of committing to another person.

Why do you need to commit right now? Stay in limbo a while. It's uncomfortable, but you might learn something about yourself during this time.

BUT I DON'T TALK TO ANYONE ELSE to try to sleep with other people because I'm WEAK.

Can you explain what you mean here? If you're thinking that you're weak because you don't want to "make yourself happy" by sleeping around, that's bullshit. It can wait.

I got HARDCORE BETRAYED by someone I loved more strongly and passionately than I ever had

Were you married? Because, if not, I don't think you got betrayed. I think something happened that you wish hadn't happened and you lost someone that you love. That's a tough one, but it's something everyone has to go through at various points in their lives for various reasons.

I hate myself and I hate that I've made such stupid choices, and I hate that I will continue to. I hate that something so STUPID as a fucking relationship just keeps barging back into my thoughts and ruining weeks of my time. I hate that I can't achieve the things I want and that my life is so boring and lonely.

Hating how it feels now is normal, but don't hate yourself. It's ok to feel this way right now. It is temporary. It will pass. You wish it would stop right here, but the reality is that it hasn't. Keep with it. Continue making music in spite of your lack of enthusiasm right now. Can you channel some of your anger or sadness into your work? Give it a try.

Good luck.