i cant function in the real world

Eyes On the Roll

Bluelighter
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Jun 26, 2010
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Heaven
i just cant. If I have money i blow it all. I can't make class my first priority, I can't study or focus, its always a month into the semester I get discouraged and give up.. then the next semester I tell myself I'll give it my all, then after a month it's clear that my head isn't stable enough to keep anything going for myself. I'm 20, in my 4th semester, and i'm beginning to realize this life isn't for me. I don't have anything to live for. Death intrigues me, and has for pretty much my whole life. I can remember being a 9 year old kid with a knife, and a blank piece of paper and pen in front of me preparing to document my legacy, I remember being in 10th grade barred out, with my dads gun to my head (no one has ever known about this), and i remember a few months ago, standing on a bridge with cars whizzing by, starring into the tempting end. It's clear to me that I can't kill myself. I know I have a great mind, but my mental health hinders me from a normal life.

I'll never be able to fit in with society. I don't have anything to live for, but I do have something to die for. I'll die for my dad, for my country. I've been contemplating joining the armed forces for YEARS, which is why I've never gotten a proper psych evaluation since i've been a legal adult, because the results would kill any of my chances at ever getting in. I want to be a pilot in the air force, or some sort of worker on a navy submarine (solitary reasons).
After I complete my probation in the next few months, I'm going to go to an airforce recruiter and see if i can score high enough to get the job i want, if not I'll try for the navy. I hope that the armed forces can break me down, and force me past my illness and to fulfill the demands of the country. I also figure that this country could use me, a person not scared of death, and that i could be a great asset in combat.
 
Eyes, have you met with a doctor about getting on antidepressants? Some people don't like to take Prozac et all for whatever reason, but I would explore your options there.

I would encourage you to explore ALL your options before committing suicide.

I'm glad you posted.
 
Eyes, have you met with a doctor about getting on antidepressants? Some people don't like to take Prozac et all for whatever reason, but I would explore your options there.

I would encourage you to explore ALL your options before committing suicide.

I'm glad you posted.



He said he cant commit suicide but doesnt wanna live at the same time, hence the miltary route. Anti-depressants dont always work & sometimes make things worse.
 
Try and find the things that make you happy and do them each day. It can be little things like going for a walk in the morning sun, speaking to a neighbour, completing a crossword puzzle or doing gardening. Small tasks, with positive results will help you find yourself. If you are not working, try finding a part-time job in the area to help you meet people and use your time.

Study can be daunting and difficult, especially when you are young. I spent my years between 19-22 failing half my papers a year, and changing degrees three times. Now, at 24 I have finally finished my degree. If you asked me two years ago I would have said I would never have made it.

Its amazing what a little time and perspective will do. If you can't finish your studies, it may be a better option to work and get experiences in the world and return to study later. You are still very young even though I know you feel like time is slipping away.

Please don't join the military, if you are smart enough to enter college the military could be a soul destroying and painful experience. There are better ways to serve your country than dying for it. Try a community outreach program, plant trees in the weekend, volunteer at a homeless shelter, sing in the choir at your local church.

One way of finding yourself and your direction is to spend time alone with yourself in a quiet and peaceful place. If there are woods nearby, go for a walk and allow yourself the time to reflect and let your thoughts run, without getting down on yourself.

My last thought is, look up the training requirements for the army and set yourself a goal of reaching them. You will be fitter, feel better and will be ready if you decide to enlist.

Good luck and keep finding the light
 
It's okay to not fit into society. It is often the people who do not fit into the mold that create change because they do not have the same priorities or perceptions as the rest of society. You can value yourself as you are and figure out what sort of life you want rather than thinking there is something wrong with you.

To be honest, avoiding a psychiatrist evaluation and going into the military does not sound like a wise decision. Not fearing death is one thing, but intrigue and plans of suicide are another. This seems especially dangerous in an environment where other people's lives are at risk.

Why don't you focus on getting some form of therapy and changing your outlook? Don't let your current state of mind control all of your life decisions. If you are able to improve how you feel then your priorities may change.
 
You are definitely suicidal. I know you said you wouldn't be able to kill yourself, but you can't know that for sure. Many people who kill themselves don't even have suicidal ideations before hand.

See a therapist and for god's sake don't join the military!
 
WOW, you are awesome. If I were you I would try a MAOI. If that doesn't work, I'd join the army. Piloting an aircraft is probably the coolest thing a human can do.

But please don't follow my advises I'm insane.
 
i abuse substances to keep me happy, but in the long run it ain't going to make me normal, because to be normal you need a clear head and with drugs you can't have this, always wondering where your next fix is coming from. bad road to go down but if it gets ya through
 
Wow. It is as if you witnessed my life and posted it on BL. I have had issues my entire life too. I have had major depressive disorder and severe social anxiety since I was 6. Death has always intrigued me and I still feel the same. I encourage you to follow your dreams. I'm 25 and I only dream of drugs. And lemme tell ya. It's no way to live.
 
I read everyones posts and i can say that this thread is mind opening and i hope you find yourself a good path
 
Wow. It is as if you witnessed my life and posted it on BL. I have had issues my entire life too. I have had major depressive disorder and severe social anxiety since I was 6. Death has always intrigued me and I still feel the same. I encourage you to follow your dreams. I'm 25 and I only dream of drugs. And lemme tell ya. It's no way to live.

Story of my life, Begbie.
 
"Lookin all fuckin biscuit ersed'. What's the hard cunt do? Shites it!! Puts down the que, turns, and gets the fuck outta there. And well, after that. The game was mine."

If I could die and come back as anyone, aside from being reincarnated as a spoiled golden retriever. I would be Francis Begbie. ;)
 
Yeah its pretty rude to live with such memories. to say the least. I've been there. SOUNDS LIKE A DAMN COOL PLAN!!! Try out for the marines they treat you much better than any other class. You gotta earn placement there. Get the SAS combat manual and hit up military history sections in book stores. Train for your departure wherever you go buddy. You'll be alright just try to get your drug use out of the way and make sure that's what you want to do.
 
hey, for all of you that are in this situation..
Yall arn't the only one's out there, and that's what keeps me goin!
By god if drug's keep you happy, Keep on keepin on! I feel you man, Soberiety and everyday life is a truley evil and disgusting thing! but honestly some of the drug's make it worse..
<incriminating -OverDone>

by the way, it's called being "self made". one love
 
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Bro maybe not the military. Theres all sorts of things u can do where u go over seas and build/ get involved in shit. The peace corps? Some stuff like that. Piloting a fighter jet or w/e would b fucking awesome too. Ud have to b pretty dedicated for that though hehe.

Often people like u and me just need a job that we really like. For instance I love training dogs. maybe if I got my w/e I need in that and started a company training dogs, I would be just peachy.
 
Hey I policed up my bros old password when I saw this,im pretty recently out of the military myself (11b was in ISAF),I just wanted to offer my input..
As for people here advising you to join the military when you are suicidal and in the mental state you are describing..
First I want to say this is a really bad idea..first of all you would most likely not get past the entry level psych evaluation..but if you should slip trough the cracks and somehow make it trough basic without washing out,it is not what people make it out to be or what you see in the movies..

The military,and this goes for every branch in every country so to speak..is regardless of MOS(job) comprised of 90% boredom and repititive task (95%+ if your a non combatant) also you WILL be required (speaking from an infantrymans view) to integrate with others,you will have little to no privacy..you live ,eat,shit,jerk off etc with a bunch of other guys wich also needs you to be 100% dependable ..all this for simply being in the infantry..there are a multitude of other jobs wich doesnt involve combat..but rotting behind the hesco in some FOB performing repetetive and boring tasks are putting enough people over the edge.

For flying jets..well,nedless to say this takes a long time to achieve,and you have to be pretty damn motivated..

I would recommend putting any plans of enlisting in any branch on hold for a while until you got your head straight..find something you have a passion for and do it,training dogs as i saw someone suggested is an exellent suggestion..but the sky is the limit..get a girlfriend,and if you already do..scrap her(cause she aint doing you any good) and get someone you like:P..or just plain go crazy and get a lot of girls:P live a little

Bottom line is,nobody wants you to kill yourself..and attempting to enter the service with a head full of suicidal toughts will most likely ruin your chances of a career in the military later..plus its a very bad idea generally if you are not at your 100%

Ive had some rough patches myself as a teen,and some now recently..not suicidal but people are different..we all have our ups and downs..good luck my friend ,wherever your path may lead you in life:)
 
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