Eyes On the Roll
Bluelighter
i just cant. If I have money i blow it all. I can't make class my first priority, I can't study or focus, its always a month into the semester I get discouraged and give up.. then the next semester I tell myself I'll give it my all, then after a month it's clear that my head isn't stable enough to keep anything going for myself. I'm 20, in my 4th semester, and i'm beginning to realize this life isn't for me. I don't have anything to live for. Death intrigues me, and has for pretty much my whole life. I can remember being a 9 year old kid with a knife, and a blank piece of paper and pen in front of me preparing to document my legacy, I remember being in 10th grade barred out, with my dads gun to my head (no one has ever known about this), and i remember a few months ago, standing on a bridge with cars whizzing by, starring into the tempting end. It's clear to me that I can't kill myself. I know I have a great mind, but my mental health hinders me from a normal life.
I'll never be able to fit in with society. I don't have anything to live for, but I do have something to die for. I'll die for my dad, for my country. I've been contemplating joining the armed forces for YEARS, which is why I've never gotten a proper psych evaluation since i've been a legal adult, because the results would kill any of my chances at ever getting in. I want to be a pilot in the air force, or some sort of worker on a navy submarine (solitary reasons).
After I complete my probation in the next few months, I'm going to go to an airforce recruiter and see if i can score high enough to get the job i want, if not I'll try for the navy. I hope that the armed forces can break me down, and force me past my illness and to fulfill the demands of the country. I also figure that this country could use me, a person not scared of death, and that i could be a great asset in combat.
I'll never be able to fit in with society. I don't have anything to live for, but I do have something to die for. I'll die for my dad, for my country. I've been contemplating joining the armed forces for YEARS, which is why I've never gotten a proper psych evaluation since i've been a legal adult, because the results would kill any of my chances at ever getting in. I want to be a pilot in the air force, or some sort of worker on a navy submarine (solitary reasons).
After I complete my probation in the next few months, I'm going to go to an airforce recruiter and see if i can score high enough to get the job i want, if not I'll try for the navy. I hope that the armed forces can break me down, and force me past my illness and to fulfill the demands of the country. I also figure that this country could use me, a person not scared of death, and that i could be a great asset in combat.