I cant do this shit anymore.

[Kipo]

Hey guys, if you have seen any of my posts here, you probably know I have a big lying problem. I lied to you guys on two occassions and I wanna clear shit up before I start. First lie is that Im 18, Im not. Im 16, i didnt know the rules for this site, so I lied to stay on the safe side. I've really come to like this place and its been a great help to me. Its the only place I can be completly honest. Second lie, that last thread was complete bullshit. The hallucinations are real, and worse than ever; but the attack was not. It was done out of complete boredom, we even bluelighters?

Now, to refresh your memory if you haven't seen my threads or don't remember, ill give you a story of whats been killing me on the inside for the last 3 years. Ill try to make it short.

I started lying at the end of freshmen year, I lied about doing drugs. I talked to my cousin about it over the summer. We had always had a crush on eachother as repulsive as some of you my find it. We end up having a sleepover, she refuses the bed we put out and goes with me to bed. The next day I lie and say i touched her ass to see how she would react. A few months later and she tells, but says i raped her. Our families fall apart and now Im stuck with half a family.

Not a day goes by that I dont think of that. What I could have done, changed, but it dosent matter anymore and Im done with her and her fucking family. Thats right HER family. They all turned their backs on me.

Lets get recent. Yesterday, my whole family is preparing for memorial day, we are having a big bbq outside. My dad wants me to mow the lawn while in on my way in to the bathroom. He just says "Oh, always an exuse for everything?". I just go inside knowing hes a bit stressed. When i get out of the bathroom hes at the patio door, we start arguing and eventually it turns to fighting. A few times he grabs my hair and i raise my fist. The third time, he attacks me, this is the first time things got physical between us. Lets get this straight, my father is a BIG man. And I am a small teen, this was not a fair fight. And he threw the first punch? What the fuck?!?!

My whole family is trying to break it up, we stop and eventually he goes outside and i go to my room and just fucking ball my eyes out. Im not allowed to use anything, no tv, no computer, no xbox, just stay in my room. I dont come out when guests arrive, but i can still hear. Everybody acts so casual, HOW THE FUCK CAN THEY ACT LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED? Im running out of tears in my room, and they ignore everything? I dont come out at all until everyone is gone. And thats just to piss and eat. Then i shower and go to bed.

My family hasnt said a word to me, exept for more yelling and I ignore it. They blame me (exept for my brother), how the fuck can they? My dad always was verbally agressive towards me. I suggest to cut the back lawn first so we can get it out of the way (its bigger) and he flat out says "Dont tell me what to do". How do i argue against that? I never tried to tell him anything, hes just so agressive. Im fucking sick of it. Ive always loved my parents and family, but now i dont know. The only person I care about is my brother right now. He sees how my dad always starts fights.

I cant live in this fucking house anymore. I didnt even go to school this morning, how can I? Everybody there acts like the world is all okay, and that shit like this dosent happen. Something needs to change, i want to fucking die already. I'd have done it by now too expept theres no painless way avalible to me.

I dont even know what to do anymore, i just baked up some firecrackers and Im eating them now. I probably shouldnt be using drugs like this, but i need to. Somone please help me, if something dosent change by today, im going to kill myself.

 

[PureT3chD34th666]

Dont do iiiiiiiiiiiit!!!!!!!!

duuuuuude i know things r bad but DO NOT KILL YOURSELF, it wont solve anything you will face the problems you have now for eternity if you kill yourself, the universe never gives us anything we cant conquer, YOU WILL CONQUER, it may not be right now, it might not be next month but things will change also you are facing the problemas you r facing now because your soul needs to go through that experience, its called karma and we all have to deal with it. For example my knees cause my extremly large amounts of pain then ontop of that my back also causes me extreme amount of pain, sure i thought about offing myself heaps of times but the thing that always stops me is the fact that everything happens for a reason and that we have to face it or it wont go away, doesnt matter if your alive or dead you will face those problems over and over again unless you face and conquer them.

i hope i have been some help, if u want to email me or chat on msn at any time my email adress is [email protected] i know how hard life is bro

 

[Kipo]

duuuuuude i know things r bad but DO NOT KILL YOURSELF, it wont solve anything you will face the problems you have now for eternity if you kill yourself, the universe never gives us anything we cant conquer, YOU WILL CONQUER, it may not be right now, it might not be next month but things will change also you are facing the problemas you r facing now because your soul needs to go through that experience, its called karma and we all have to deal with it. For example my knees cause my extremly large amounts of pain then ontop of that my back also causes me extreme amount of pain, sure i thought about offing myself heaps of times but the thing that always stops me is the fact that everything happens for a reason and that we have to face it or it wont go away, doesnt matter if your alive or dead you will face those problems over and over again unless you face and conquer them.

i hope i have been some help, if u want to email me or chat on msn at any time my email adress is [email protected] i know how hard life is bro

Thanks, but in my experience, the pain dosent go away. It just keeps on giving. If karma were real, why do some people have a rougher life than others? They girl who's dad just got them a new porche is a hell of alot luckier than me. And im alot luckier than some 8 year old in somalia who is going through 'training'. I dont want to get through this, i want it to have never happened.

 

[Kipo]

Fuck it, i dont wanna think about this shit anymore.

 

[MrAfrika]

I understand a bad parent relationship can be hell at points. I remember my day beat the hell out of me and get drunk then get physical when I was early teenager... then I started fighting back. You know a few semesters of p.e. and a season of football can make you somewhat of a tough ass and egotistical, and one day I finally had it. At the time my dad is 58 but built like a fucking tank and a veteran at that,and one day at 16 I was fed up and try to take him after a heated arguement... I throw a punch to the face and hit him dead center...didn't even faze him. You know what he did? Picked me up and threw me 10 feet into a wall. Never tested him again, and yea there were times I wanted to run away and I tried to commit suicide right in front of him.. he just told me to stop being a pussy..which pissed me off the most. Now I looked back and I can honestly say its made me tougher none the less. what you need to is stop thinking about suicide cause yoiur life is worse than everyone else. Just because your parents didn't buy you a porsche at 16 doesn't mean they don't love you, they are just smart. People have it way worse, some can't find a roof to live under or where there next meal is comming from. This is gonna sound harsh but you need to stop being a pussy and suck it up. It helped me.

 

[Kipo]

I understand a bad parent relationship can be hell at points. I remember my day beat the hell out of me and get drunk then get physical when I was early teenager... then I started fighting back. You know a few semesters of p.e. and a season of football can make you somewhat of a tough ass and egotistical, and one day I finally had it. At the time my dad is 58 but built like a fucking tank and a veteran at that,and one day at 16 I was fed up and try to take him after a heated arguement... I throw a punch to the face and hit him dead center...didn't even faze him. You know what he did? Picked me up and threw me 10 feet into a wall. Never tested him again, and yea there were times I wanted to run away and I tried to commit suicide right in front of him.. he just told me to stop being a pussy..which pissed me off the most. Now I looked back and I can honestly say its made me tougher none the less. what you need to is stop thinking about suicide cause yoiur life is worse than everyone else. Just because your parents didn't buy you a porsche at 16 doesn't mean they don't love you, they are just smart. People have it way worse, some can't find a roof to live under or where there next meal is comming from. This is gonna sound harsh but you need to stop being a pussy and suck it up. It helped me.

I appreciate your honesty, but it feels impossible to stop when hes dragging it along. Every day, he always gives me shit and this was the straw that broke the camles back. I cant fucking deal with it anymore, i dont want to live through this if its going to be forced. I cant even fucking communicate right now..

 

[chr0niclove]

Don't end your life over this. Trust me a lot of us teens go through this. I remember not going to school for a long time because I was done with life. My parents didn't give a fuck about what I was going through. They treated me like nothing happened and everything was my fault even if it wasn't. I feel like the daughter/family member who is unwanted. I have even been told by multiple family members that they hate me. Is there a reason for them to? No, not at all. Are they asses? Sure you could say that. Yet I'm tired of living in this house but luckily I'm moving out in a month or two. I made it living through this hell and you can too. You're sixteen and that means only a little time before you can leave the house and be like fuck you all and move on. The best thing I did when living in this house was spend as much time out of it as I could. Hangout with friends go on walks. Find something. It helps and your parents may not understand whats going on now but hopefully they do soon. Just realize you have much more to live for. Don't give up now. Don't let them get the best of you, you're better than that. I know it.

It took my mother one night to realize she actually didn't want me to go and that she loves me. It's the night I told her I was going to leave and never comeback. That these couple of months would be the last time she ever sees me. She seriously was pulling on me saying no no I don't want that breaking down in tears. She even had a panic attack...sadly the ambulance had to come it was that bad. It's sad that sometimes parents don't realize what they have until it's too late. Maybe you have to do the same (not kill yourself) but move on. Start the life that you want and surround yourself with good people.

 

[MrAfrika]

I appreciate your honesty, but it feels impossible to stop when hes dragging it along. Every day, he always gives me shit and this was the straw that broke the camles back. I cant fucking deal with it anymore, i dont want to live through this if its going to be forced. I cant even fucking communicate right now..

Well man this is what u do. Start focusing on getting the fuck out of the house. Got any older friends that got a place? Stay there and I bet in less then a month ur dad will change his prospective of you. Don't kill yourself, don't let it win. Concentrate on getting the hell out. The day that you dread commingle home is the day you should start preparing to leave.

 

[SawRED]

Hey man sorry to hear about all the bullshit going on but definitely don't do anything drastic. I was arrested for the first time when I was 16 and had a similar experience where my family life went to shit after always having things pretty good. But the fact of the matter is it will get better. You are 16 and pretty soon you will no longer be living with your parents and will no longer have to deal with their shit.

I know right now it seems like your problems with your dad are dictating your life but just think in a year or two, if you don't ever want to see these people again thats your decision and you don't have to. I hope that is not the decision you make because your family is valuable, but you also must remember when your not FORCED to live with each other and your parents KNOW they no longer can control you your relationship will totally change. A lot of the time once the parent/child relationship is no longer there you can actually work on your issues like real adults and make your own decisions about the people you do or don't want in your life.

Also you have been saying how you don't have people to talk to and none of your family understands except your brother, but maybe he is someone you can talk to. When I was going through my own shit me and my brother became very close knowing that we felt similarly about our situations.

As for the whole is my situation better or worse then (insert african child, rich kid, etc.) none of that shit matters. There are happy rich 17 year old kids who got a porsche as the first car who have committed suicide and there a dirt poor children in Africa who live happy fulfilling lives with barely a roof over there head. Emotional pain is emotional and no one can put a label on how much pain your feeling based on your situation. So no you don't have to suck it up and deal with it, but you also must remember no one can help you if you don't take any proactive actions. Anyways I wish you the best of luck, keep your head up and stay positive.

 

[RemyT53]

Dont do it man, suicide is a terrible way out and a terrible idea, you dont wanna give in, not now, the rest of your life can be so much better but you gotta make it through the sketchy BS first. Your a mirror image of me when i was 17 man, its weird how much your story sounds like mine did, minus the cousin part, no judgment passed on you for that though. First off i know it sucks, but drugs are a temporary solution to the problem, gotta cut those off. Idk if you drive or what or have a YMCA around you but working out will, WILL, make you feel better and regulate your life more than you would think. Not only that, but if your dad tries to touch you again lay his ass out, go for the nuts and the stomach trust me. If you cant get through to him then you need to MAKE him deal with you, i mean do somethin absolutely to piss him off, make him respect and listen to you, but first talk to a school counselor about this shit like asap, i know it sounds gay but trust me they can help more than youd think and the best part is it gets you out of class. Best of luck bro and hit me up if you need anymore advice.

 

[ColdNorth]

Being a teenager is pretty chaotic and one of the hardest things we have to do during life. I wish you strength in resolving your issues, things should start to seem more tolerable in a few years time. Life is shit sometimes but you can also keep reaching new peaks as long as you keep trying. I'm 32 and so far the world has been getting better and better after getting through that mess of a brain chemistry you are forced to live with as a teen.

I don't really have any good advice, except don't try to fix things with drugs. I tried that and 15 years later I'm still addicted and living with that mistake. Don't get me wrong, drugs are great but they come with a price that doesn't reveal itself fully right away. I guess you have to decide for yourself if it's worth it for a temporary relief. Your dad might be just giving you shit as a (failed) way to motivate you. You might find that when people act irrationally it's often out of their own fears and not something you did.

I agree with noddinoff, you might never be surrounded by so much pussy in your lifetime again. It'll take your mind off things. Good luck =)

 

[Kipo]

Thanks everyone, things are looking up right now with my dad. I fixed shit with my dad even though he still dosent understand me at all.

But i also learned that my moms side of the family dosent all know. They are only starting to figure it out. I was sort of at peace with things and this just brought it all back up again.

 

[poopymcpoop]

Thanks everyone, things are looking up right now with my dad. I fixed shit with my dad even though he still dosent understand me at all.

But i also learned that my moms side of the family dosent all know. They are only starting to figure it out. I was sort of at peace with things and this just brought it all back up again.

Have you considered coming completely clean with your parents about the whole original incident?

 

[muvolution]

I dont even know what to do anymore, i just baked up some firecrackers and Im eating them now. I probably shouldnt be using drugs like this, but i need to.

I would think about how that statement is impacting your life and your mental state.

 

[Warped Reality]

You want to kill yourself because your parents yell at you?
<You are in The Dark Side, please show more sensitivity and patience with people in here, thanks - n3o>
Your father gives you clothes, food, an education, a place to sleep at night, I'm sure he paid for your computer, most of the shit you have, and you get pissed off and want to kill yourself because he wants you to mow the lawn.
As for the other part, why would you tell your cousin you touched her ass while she was sleeping when you didn't really touch it?

 

[frogboy]

I almost agree with Warped Reality mow the lawn take the shit they dish out to you and all that. I know your dad should not hit you but a lot of us had to deal with it at least that if not more.

As far as the other part you did noting wrong really and it's not that weird. Why (Warped R.) because I'm sure she is a young hot girl in his face all the time maybe flirting with him. You do need to just find a G/F and not be scared of girls because most girls are going to be okay with it if you touch them. Get to it kid it's never going to get this good again. You just can't see this because of your age. Get as much schooling, money and pussy as you can before you leave home.

 

[Mr.WorriedGuy]

I appreciate your honesty, but it feels impossible to stop when hes dragging it along. Every day, he always gives me shit and this was the straw that broke the camles back. I cant fucking deal with it anymore, i dont want to live through this if its going to be forced. I cant even fucking communicate right now..

That's rough man. For one though you need to forgive yourself for any past mistakes, everyone makes them and i'm sure you dad has had his fair share(a few in this incident). Two, your dad may be able to hit you and hurt you physically, but only you can allow him to influence your emotional well being. It's harder at some times than others, sometimes things are rough, but you are ultimately in control of your mind. That's the one thing no body can ever take from you. It's an amazing thing to have control of and in all honesty if you just let your dad's remarks fly by and just keep stride and smile he may lose interest. He may even completely change his view of you.

Also, not sure what a Porsche has to do with karma. If you look back at your life on your death bed and think, I wish I would have bought a Porsche, then you never lived.

One Love

You want to kill yourself because your parents yell at you?
Geesh, grow up and just mow the lawn, that's part of being a kid. Your father gives you clothes, food, an education, a place to sleep at night, I'm sure he paid for your computer, most of the shit you have, and you get pissed off and want to kill yourself because he wants you to mow the lawn. Seriously get a grip of yourself and mow the damn lawn.

As for the other part, why would you touch someones ass while they were sleeping? And why would you have a crush on your cousin? And why would you tell your cousin you touched her ass while she was sleeping when you didn't really touch it?

Maybe it was the part about his dad being a dick about it that bothered him, not mowing the lawn itself? It kinda sucks when you grow up with parents that are dicks to you constantly, it's a drain.

Secondly, jump off your high horse bro. What you've lived perfectly thus far? Hell, you're posting here so.....yeah.

 

[Asclepius]

Maybe it was the part about his dad being a dick about it that bothered him, not mowing the lawn itself? It kinda sucks when you grow up with parents that are dicks to you constantly, it's a drain.

Well said Mr WorriedGuy...It can seem like too much pressure sometimes and be really hard to deal with,especially when your esteem feels like its been steamrolled.



Hang in kipo...these feelings will subside a little it seems things are quite intense for you at the moment, let us know whats goin on for you?

 

[TheAppleCore]

I deal with the same shit with my parents. Probably the only reason my dad's never slugged me is because I just don't have the energy to argue. I just nod my head. Yeah, I'm a "fucking asshole", I'm sorry, you're always right, yeah yeah yeah.

I don't stress over it though. I figure, it's not going to last forever. I mean, you should be old enough now that you're going to be able to leave home pretty soon, right? Just remember that your situation is ultimately temporary and short-lived.