TDS I can see the exit... but I'd rather sink deeper

[Fornax55]

Hey y'all.
This is a bit of a cry for help. There's a TL DR at the bottom if you don't want to read all my pent up ranting.

I've been having a hell of a time quitting heroin lately, It's an age-old truth that one can't really quit a habit unless they want to, and I'm well aware that I don't want to quit doing heroin. It suits me too well. My problem's not quitting - I have a taper/withdrawal regime so carefully penned out that it's virtually painless - but I can't make it more than a few days because I just don't want to. The prospect of returning to life sober is depressing. I need more reason to quit. (Before anyone says that I should change things so that I have a new life change to look forward to on the horizon after I quit, I've already registered for school in a year. That should be my change. I don't want to be strung out until then, though.)

Recovery sites and rehab centers offer such motivation for quitting as:

you'll be more productive
you'll be a better parent
life is easier sober
you'll do better things

These are all pretty mundane ideas and all of them (at least in my current stage of life) are easily revoked. Respectively -

hell no. I won't be more productive sober. Ever. during sober times, productivity (or lack thereof) is ALWAYS the reason of my relapse. I'll be working a deadend job and be unenthused to the point of depression... early mornings always wake me with serious contemplation of suicide vs. going to work. Once I finally cave in and score, my work ethic and production goes through the roof. Suicidal mornings are now energetic and filled with yoga, writing, making music, and creativity. Twice, I've risen to promotions as a direct result of getting high every day before and at work and being able to simply endure a higher workload than anyone else. This isn't much incentive to quit dope.

I have no kids, so I need not worry about parenting.

If life were easier sobier, then I sure as hell wouldn't be enjoying doing dope as much as I do now.

I'll do better things? Perhaps in the grand scheme, a long-term clear head would enable me to learn and develop skills to explore my true life's purpose. However, in more immediate observation, heroin does, once again, help me do 'better things.' I've always been interested in music production/art/rap, but motivation has always been a huge issue for me. The music was always in my head, but I never could get around to learning how to work a digital audio workstation. Fixing up with dope, even to this day, results in me immediately grinding down to my pen and paper, or my novel writing, or music production.


So as it stands there's a direct correlation right now between my life's productivity, and thus its enjoyment, and heroin. I'm not swayed by getting clean for the sake of getting clean. Heroin doesn't turn me into a lying, thieving, douchebag. It makes me introspective, creative, a bit more confrontational and irritable. I'm okay with this.
I felt I was almost able to turn a leaf today when the thought of being able to help people better, and be kinder to people, would be easier once I've quit heroin - but, again, I'm still a wholehearted person when I'm strung out and I like to help others.

TL;DR
The prospect of getting "clean and sober" for its intrinsic value seems pointless. I enjoy life a hell of a lot more when I'm high (even accounting for the downtime of having to score/wait for dealers) but for a few important reasons I'd like to stop, however the immediate benefits of heroin are (or at least I'm convincing myself) still outweighing the negatives. All my conscious mind wants right now is to take breaks to lower my tolerance and save money, but deep inside I REALLY WANT A GOOD REASON TO GET CLEAN.

Anyone got any driving forces that compelled them to kick the dragon?

 

[Ligaturd]

I think the whole legend or metaphore of musicians "making a deal with the devil" has a lot to do with opioid use and the feeling that people have that they either acquire the ability to write poetry, literature or make music or even any other creative outlet or it allows them to do it better. It definitely puts people in a space that is more easily conducive to creativity or creative output but then once they become dependant on the drug either physically or for that purpose, it gets them stuck and eventually they become useless without it. When they get sober for a small period of time they get anhedonia and lose all inspiration and feel like they need it back to be able to function and express themselves. In this way it is like making a deal with the devil, the perception of increased creative ability but at a great cost. This keeps many people in addiction but I can say for certain that once they get past the hurdle of withdrawal and post acute withdrawal, their brain chemistry returns to a state of homeostasis, these people will create the most coherant, meaningful and genuine works of art that they never thought possible.

 

[Ligaturd]

Striving to be independant and grow, having moments of clarity and being objectively honest with myself have allowed me to really want to get clean and grow into a person who is self sufficient, who's life isn't jaded by selfishness and trying to stay well. There is a lot of deception in being a drug addict and I hated lying to the ones I love. I want to love and be loved and be able to be upfront and honest about who I am. I also know for a fact that after 6 months to a year of being completely sober, writing music becomes second nature to me and the quality of the music goes up ten fold.

 

[Fornax55]

Agreed for the mostpart, honesty is the first doorway to clarity and understanding. A lot of what you said could be great advice to some people, and I wish it could apply to me, but it doesn't.

If I hadn't gone clean & sober for 6 months and more several times before, I'd totally dig what you say - because it's true, dependence does sap motivation from a sober individual. That said, though, even at my cleanest, most sober, neuroplasticified (heh) articulate self, I would look back on the works of art and music that I did during my junkie phase and wonder where and how I could ever find that creativity. I'd hoped it was just nostalgia, that I was remembering fondly the feeling of creating, but sadly... no. Maybe it's just me? People always say stuff like that - "of course you think your music's better, you're high," and I said the same thing myself for the first years of using. It was only once I'd sobered up and realized that my junkie work was actually much better did I begin to think otherwise.

It's not really that far fetched either. Drugs = focus = productivity.

Never have I been at a point where dependency gets in the way of productivity. I'm presently more strung out than I've ever been in my life, and even with 50% of my time spent laying in bed pretending to kick while I wait for dealers to reload, the other 50% of my time is spent being more productive than I've ever been before. In the last 3 nights I produced more songs than I did in the entire year of 2014 when I was sober. :/

 

[Fornax55]

I want to love and be loved and be able to be upfront and honest about who I am.

I wish it were this simple. Opiates allow me the confidence to truly be myself - and, apparently, I'm an asshole. I've ruined relationships because of my self-expression while strung out. This could be seen as a problem and I think of it as thus, but even a clear-headed, six-month-sober Fornax knows that the only reason these relationships are ruptured is because I've been comfortable enough to speak my mind about things I don't like/don't want to be around which apparently makes me a harping, abusive fuck head unworthy of love.

When I'm sober, I'm anxious and insecure to the point where my lack of self-worth belittles me to the point that I contemplate suicide daily. Because of this, I'm non-confrontational and not passive aggressive and - lo and behold - people love me. I form close relationships with everyone I meet except for myself.

When I'm comfortable with myself, they hate me.
''

 

[Burnt Offerings]

If you value the enjoyment of using the drug over the potential benefits of sobriety, you're gonna keep using. period. Keep using until you get sick of it or die.

Personally I got out of it (or trying to get out of it, anyway...only opiate use I've done in a week is a single shot of morphine, and some kratom for maintenance purposes) because I don't like the people I have to associate with in "the scene" & I'm tired of wasting money that could be spent better elsewhere

But if you're not ready to quit then don't quit. One of my best friends in this city has been a opiate addict for over 10 years, and she's only 24. 10 years of addiction & withdrawal, years on felony probation & 36 months in prison for selling heroin didn't make her quit, she still uses to this day. Heroin made her life HELL and she still uses...and you're trying to get us to convince you to stop using, when you argue that drugs have made your life BETTER? Nothing (family, institutions, etc) is going to make you quit unless you, as an INDIVIDUAL, are ready to quit.

 

[Ruby Slippers]

Would you mind telling us how old you are? Have you ever really been sober? Because six months off of a heavy heroin habit isn't enough time for your brain chemistry to readjust. Like someone else has mentioned it doesn't sound like you are ready to quit, you are romanticizing your addiction and the drug. You will get there, maybe you just haven't lost enough yet.

 

[Fornax55]

I'm 23. Yes I've been clean and sober. Not sure if I understand that question - do you mean, did heroin cloud my memory so badly that I forgot what it was like before I ever used? And, yeah, six months is a pretty decent amount of time for my brain to return to homeostatis after my first habit using maybe one bag of shitty street heroin daily.

I don't want to be 'that guy' who's attempting to speak contrary to everything you say but I don't think I'm romanticizing the addiction either. There's lots of shitty things about being dependent on any substance. There's lots of shitty things about sobriety too. Carefully analyzing and weighing pros/cons to achieve an ultimatum doesn't really strike me as 'romanticizing' heroin, and gauging by the expensive price tag on the habit, I most certainly wouldn't continue using if there weren't some damn good immediate benefits.

@burnt offering
agreed completey - the first time I quit doing opiates was because my friend circle had dwindled, my acquaintances were now mostly druggies with no aspirations or talents and I couldn't grow as an individual. This time round, my friend circle's still dwindled but those that remain are fellow musicians and writers and we're able to feed eachother's creativity and productivity, so my associates aren't really much incentive to quit.

prison & probation are the sort of things that worry me, but it also poises a question as to the subjective nature of what 'rock bottom' is. I was arrested a few weeks ago and had all my charges dropped with no punishment. I had, however, been HOPING to get on probation, because I knew it would ground me in my hometown and force me to focus on building my space, my portfolio, and to do more local networking as opposed to being a freelance sort of nomad as I so often am.

I'm glad you offered your perspective though. It does seem stupid dto try and ask you for advice as to why to quit. I'm just used to hearing people, like Ruby Slippers below you, telling me that i'm 'romanticizing' my addiction, or that I don't know what I'm talking about, that I can't possibly know myself well enough to believe that there are some benefits from using this god-awful-life-ruining-chemical and that I must be a delusional junkie determined to live in denial. No matter how often I tell someone that I'm not in denial and I know i'm an addict with a fuckin' habit that I choose to maintain for specific reasons, they don't see the benefit.

(though I'd honestly rather go back to kratom maintenance at this point)