Scared I can’t bear life anymore. I may be schizoaffective

[greenlight204]

Typing this has me miserable. I don’t know if I’m schuzoaffective or not. I had a drug induced psychosis in 6 years ago where I minorly hallucinated and checked myself into a psych ward. At this point in 2021 my life is still changed forever. I hate myself and want to die. I abused mushrooms and now it seems my brain is all sorts of fucked up. I’ve been prescribed anti psychotics, have tried 9 different ones, and am currently taking Zyprexa. The side effects are absolutely intolerable. I instantly gain weight and am sometimes so fucking out of it. It has completely ruined my body, my face, and I am now addicted to it. These anti psychotics level me out and make me feel so dull and numb. I am so fucked up. I don’t look young anymore, people are a chore, and I don’t want to do anything. I should be moving mountains at my age. I had so much going for me, a great career, and then this all happened. Taking APs makes me feel like I’m chasing the dragon, getting high. I’ve seen 4 doctors, 2 said I’m probably bipolar one said I might have a mild form of sz and one diagnosed me schizoaffective. I want to kill myself. Nobody talks to me unless I take these fucking pills, when I do it’s like I invite energy back into myself. I don’t want to keep taking fucking pills I want my brain to be normal without them. I’m fat, look so unhealthy. I used to love people now I dread everyone including my family. I’m at rock bottom. I don’t use drugs anymore, just these fucking meds and I want to be able to sustain great conversation, do work well and live life without them. I truly feel like I have been shut out of heaven, doomed and condemned to a life of eternal suffering. Killing myself would 2000000% be the better option than live this hell on earth. I can’t tell if it’s the APs that have made me this stupid anymore or if I actually have a degenerative brain disease. My doc is working to change my diagnosis but I still had the discussion and have thought I’m schizophrenic. I used to have millions of friends, so happy and lived life to the fullest. Now I get no joy out of anything. All I want is to get the benefits I get out of Zyprexa, without actually taking it. I’m sick of eating so much food, trying to exercise it off, feeling disgusting and an out casted fuck up. I really don’t know if I actually am SZA or not I don’t hallucinate but I may sometimes be delusional. It really just helps me with thinking. I can’t subscribe to this life of a death sentence diagnosis.

 

[Asclepius]

Hey man,

Sorry to hear you've been going through the utmost of hell, am sure you are not alone in this - fuck knows have been through it, a few times. Life is awful, but you are not alone in that shared experience, mate.

It's good to read such an honest post, albeit you are in such a pit at the moment.
Go easy on yourself, despite how you feel at the moment - feelings and thoughts are transient - even though it seems like it is taking your head over at the moment - hold strong, try to separate yourself from the quagmire of thoughts and feelings that is in your head right now( as much as you feel a part of it- you can seperate for the time being; to get you through). Read through the threads on here - so many have felt as fucked-up - so, dont feel isolated in it.

Maybe not now but whenever you need to copy and paste; your experience - do go on the Recovery Threads on here - great people on there who can share what you are going through.
You sound like you have been through too much mate, but you are not alone on this - I suggest (above and you will find many who can guide you through advice with similar circumstance.
Look after yourself


Here are links to threads that may meet your specified needs.

BL Recovery Thread: https://www.bluelight.org/xf/forums/health-and-recovery.269/
BL Mental Health thread: https://www.bluelight.org/xf/forums/mental-health.270/

 

[greenlight204]

Th

Hey man,

Sorry to hear you've been going through the utmost of hell, am sure you are not alone in this - fuck knows have been through it, a few times. Life is awful, but you are not alone in that shared experience, mate.

It's good to read such an honest post, albeit you are in such a pit at the moment.
Go easy on yourself, despite how you feel at the moment - feelings and thoughts are transient - even though it seems like it is taking your head over at the moment - hold strong, try to separate yourself from the quagmire of thoughts and feelings that is in your head right now( as much as you feel a part of it- you can seperate for the time being; to get you through). Read through the threads on here - so many have felt as fucked-up - so, dont feel isolated in it.

Maybe not now but whenever you need to copy and paste; your experience - do go on the Recovery Threads on here - great people on there who can share what you are going through.
You sound like you have been through too much mate, but you are not alone on this - I suggest (above and you will find many who can guide you through advice with similar circumstance.
Look after yourself


Here are links to threads that may meet your specified needs.

BL Recovery Thread: https://www.bluelight.org/xf/forums/health-and-recovery.269/
BL Mental Health thread: https://www.bluelight.org/xf/forums/mental-health.270/

Thanks very much, I did

 

[NickyTricks]

My girlfriend went through the same thing my friend. She was either schizophrenic or schizoaffrctive. She thought everyone could hear her thoughts and that everyone including me and her family at times were out to get her. She thought she was an experiment for the government at times or her life was like the Truman show. I know it’s hard to talk about your illnesses’ face to face with other people because of judgements or just having to repeat it over and over again but you gotta stay strong and keep going. She was put on either Haldol or rispiredone I forget but it had the same side effects. Weight gain, sluggishness, ect. Have you looked into amphetamines such as adderall apparently theirs studies that say it helps patients with schizophrenia and high doses of vitamin b I believe. Unfortunately she took her life which hurts me everyday and I get the same thoughts as you. Maybe I should overdose today. Maybe I shoot shoot my self with my dads gun. For me I keep pushing for her. I want her to be proud of me and I want to be proud of myself. I know life is rough trust me it’s still rough for me but find something you enjoy. For me it’s anime. Love watching it and I want to either get involved with voice acting or start drawing.

If you ever need to talk hit me up. I really don’t mind. I have a very soft spot in my heart for addicts and mentally ill because I’m one of you and especially people with schizo disorders because I dealt with it first hand

 

[deficiT]

Hang in there dude. The depression can be gut wrenching. I don't want to tell you to quit your medicine, but maybe evaluate the usefulness of taking it if you're feeling that bad from the side effects. I've been on zyprexa and abilify for a few months now. It does help with some things, but at the same time it makes me feel kinda useless, fat, and clumsy tbh, maybe I'm taking too much.

 

[greenlight204]

Hang in there dude. The depression can be gut wrenching. I don't want to tell you to quit your medicine, but maybe evaluate the usefulness of taking it if you're feeling that bad from the side effects. I've been on zyprexa and abilify for a few months now. It does help with some things, but at the same time it makes me feel kinda useless, fat, and clumsy tbh, maybe I'm taking too much.

It helps me with some stuff but then again it doesn’t. Today I went out without taking Zyprexa for a whole day, talked to people met strangers at the bar etc. I hate the feeling of fat I get same with clumsy. I’m debating if I ever really needed it in the first place. Without meds, I love people, talking, going out and initiating conversation, etc

 

[Asclepius]

Th

Thanks very much, I did

So glad you are fighting,

 

[Shrooms00087]

Hey I had a meth induced psychosis in 2012 and now have schizoaffective disorder. Yeah it sucks but I just want to say that you're still a capable and valued member of society. It's rough but you have to go easy on yourself. Much love, Shrooms.