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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

I broke my sobriety

jaggedpills

jaggedpills

Bluelighter
Joined
Dec 25, 2010
Messages
188
Location
Canton, OH
I know its only been a couple weeks, but those were the hardest weeks for me. A friend came over (he used to be my dealer) & of course he had shit on him. I just did so much shit, i can't even funtion right now. Its takin me like 10 min to write this. Fuck. I hate that I broke being sober, but at the same time I feel like I needed this & I feel so much better.... :/
 
You can learn from everything man...if you still want to keep trying then by examining what made you want to get high this time you can learn and try to prevent that from happening again. As you remove the underlying reasons for your drug use it should get easier and easier to stay away from it.
 
You can learn from everything man...
Click to expand...

This. Not sure if you were certain that you were unable to control your use, but if you had a desire to quit and used again, then this is an excellent experience. Though it may not feel like it, this relapse may knock that last little bit of doubt away, allowing you to pursue a thorough recovery with no nagging suspicion that you may be able to control drugs next time you pick up. If the illusion of control has not yet been smashed, perhaps it may be wise to experiment with some controlled use. The first step in recovery is admitting that you are powerless, and if you don't believe you're powerless, how are you going to recover? Anyways, this whole paragraph was written with the assumption that the first step was not completed. My apologies if I am incorrect.

So, if you know you can't control your use, and want to stop, good news: there is a solution. I know only a little about other options for recovery, but I can say with certainty that 12 step recovery will work if you are willing to do the work. Not a 12 step fan? I find it useful to apply a utilitarian perspective; the end result is freedom from drugs and peace of mind, so why does it matter what it takes to get there? Once freedom and serenity are obtained, you are in a better position to examine whether the ends justify the means. Anyways, about the solution, that comes from doing a thorough fifth step with a sponsor. After the fifth step is completed, the desire to use is lost. Completely gone. If you haven't done a fifth step, how the hell could you have stopped using for even a day? Untreated addiction is pure torture. Some of the most successful sponsors I know in Alcoholics Anonymous (a 12 step fellowship) believe you can keep using until the fifth step is completed.

If you have completed a fifth step, had you finished making amends? Had you continued to take personal inventory? Had you spent a little bit of time each day defining and constructing goals in life? Had you helped others find a solution to the pain and suffering in their lives? Were you working toward a sexual ideal? It may also be useful to avoid situations/ people with drugs until you are stable in recovery. This is not to say stay away for good, just until you have a solution. I still spend time with friends I used to use with and go to Dead shows as often as I can (read pages 100-101 in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous for more information).

Anyways, hope things get better for you, please PM me for info on how to get hooked into a solid program of recovery, it's a shame I didn't join BL a few days earlier while I was in San Diego going to NA meetings all over the area. Everything will work out though. The first sponsee I ever had complete a fifth step was cutting his wrists every few days until we did his fifth step, since then he hasn't taken anything and is happier than I have seen him before (not cutting anymore either). Try to keep in mind that life will get better- so long as you stop fighting.
 
Thanks. & I've never tried a 12 step program. I've heard good & bad things about it. Plus I'm ashamed of addmiting I need help, so I try to avoid it :/
 
Keep trying because in the end being sober is a great feeling. Even better than drugs once you know you did it. You will need strong will power to do so and friends who do not use. I know its impossible at times to get rid of friends who do drugs ect so if you cannot do that at least set boundaries with your friends. Don't allow them to bring drugs into your house or around you if they want to hangout. If they cannot do that then they must not care about your road to recovery. I hope you find a way to stay clean again. Good luck.
 
Weeks? Pfft, not bad, but it'll take months or years for a true addict to feel good about normal things. I didn't stick to the plan either... now my days are worse again. But thankfully I am not all the way back into the hellhole of addiction, I think. Good luck staying sober, because eventually you won't feel so much better after the drugs. <3
 
I know people say its better to find the route of the problem instead of taking drugs but when the route of the problem is well known & you want to forget what the problem is by taking drugs, then so be it, at least thats how I see it.

Not saying you or anyone else should continue taking drugs but for some people, thats the only escape for the painful reality they lived/live for.
 
TheLostBoys said:
I know people say its better to find the route of the problem instead of taking drugs but when the route of the problem is well known & you want to forget what the problem is by taking drugs, then so be it, at least thats how I see it.

Not saying you or anyone else should continue taking drugs but for some people, thats the only escape for the painful reality they lived/live for.
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Drugs are a great way to not have to think about personal problems; recovery is the time to tackle the problems head on so that there are no longer problems to think about.
 
Drugs help to forget the problems, but like OverDone said.. Eventually it doesnt help anymore & you have to deal with problems & addiction & the additonal problems addiction causes.... I havent talk to my therapist yet no, my mom got in a car accident, so Ive spent all my time babysitting while she is at the hospital or driving my bro around.
 
relapse happens. i know ive relapsed more times than i can even keep track of anymore. i don't believe the saying some people say in AA, that relapse is part of recovery. i know for me, though, i felt like i had to relapse and realllly hit BOTTOM. i just wasn't done yet. and i think you really have to be completely done in order to successfully maintain your recovery. its not easy by any means. its fuckin hard...the toughest thing ive ever had to do in my life. but i found over time, the drugs stopped working. they werent doing what they used to do for me. and being sober at times can be a high that no drug can compete with.
 
The one drug I have been pretty good at staying away from is weed. But today, my theapist & my doctor think I should get a medicinal perscription when I can :/ I don't know about this.. They say if I follow the doses it will help me with some of my other problems, but I'm not so sure.... You have to be 21 for it anyway, right? Or can the prescribe it before then? Cuz they were saying when I turn 18. 0_o
 
What drug was it? The perception that after you used you felt "so much better" might be indicative of a physical or psychological issue/problem which could be addressed with therapy, medication, etc.

All in all, think of how hard it was for you to get where you were right before you used; you still have all of that strength and will power. Take care.
 
Do you normally smoke a lot of weed, and do you find that it causes problems for you?
 
i broke sobriety too, I did H 4 days in a row, to me that is not on (2 at max). I let my guard down, same as you, when I started letting 'friends' into my life again, Im smart enough not to make that mistake again.
I am paying for it now with the most mildest of WD's ever, but it doesn't change the fact that its there & the nightmarish memories!
& ew to bongs! dirty friends attempting to use my belongings to stoke the cone piece.
 
jaggedpills.... I am a fomer addict. Once I admitted to myself that I was an addict I found the rest was easy. But everyone is different. I know you are going through a tough time in your life in a tough situation in your home life. Don't beat yourself up over breaking sobriety, you will quit when the time is right for you. It will come together when it is meant to. But, that in no way means too just wait for it to happen. You have to work on your life as a whole in order to deal with your addiction. It is not like taking off your shoes. It is intertwind with your life, emotions, physically, spiratually etc.... Make sure you treat the whole picture not just the addiction. :)
 
pillzcrusher said:
i broke sobriety too, I did H 4 days in a row, to me that is not on (2 at max). I let my guard down, same as you, when I started letting 'friends' into my life again, Im smart enough not to make that mistake again.
I am paying for it now with the most mildest of WD's ever, but it doesn't change the fact that its there & the nightmarish memories!
& ew to bongs! dirty friends attempting to use my belongings to stoke the cone piece.
Click to expand...

Yea I'm going through that shit to after like a 5 day run at a gram a day. Fucking even mild withdrawal is so shitty because yea it just brings back memories of feeling like ass which just makes you think your worse than you are to. I'm using Kratom to but it's still a bitch oh well at least I didn't cop today. Day 2 tomorrow.
 
broken recovery

I'm afraid I'm in the same boat. I've been off Oxy for over a week now. I have been sleeping like crap. Last night I got about four hours then about four the night before. Today my kids were out playing in the snow and I could not even go play with them. I have noambitions or motivation anymore. I'm taking tons of vitamins and everything. So my disease convinced me I could take a few hydros and get the energy I need to get outside. Well, it worked, but now I'm back in the mindset of do I take more to sustain my energy level, or walk away , but crash. I hate this! I want to have the energy I need on my own! So more then likely, I'm going to be dopesick all over again, just from yet another bad decision.
 
Man, what helped me when I was going through the sickness again after relapse was calling friends of mine that had made it out of active addiction and into recovery. They understand and I was lucky enough that they encouraged me that I could make it through it. Stay hopeful and don't get down on yourself, brother.

I love you, man and I know that if other people can get through it - I'm damn well sure that you can! Stay strong! Much love!
 
It has been a rough few days.. Seems like its been weeks. I can't sleep, but I was just given some more pills for that. I hate that the Dr. keeps givin me pills.. That was the main thing I abused. Ive been trying to only follow the dosage given on the bottle, but I take 2 tablets & still can't sleep a wink. Saw a specialist yesturday for my PCOS. She gave me A TON of pain meds & some anti-depressants. Glad about the AD's, but the pain meds worry me. She said take as needed.. I AM ALWAYS IN PAIN! But I don't know if that is from the PCOS or what. I'm feeling the need to use again, very badly. (Oh, & I took about any pill i could get my hands on, coke, heroin, meth, weed, any & all inhalants) I hate seeing household items & thinking about how 5 min alone with a can of air freshener & I could be high & feel better already. I'm going back to the specialist in about 4 weeks for some testing, then they are going to put me on all sorts of treatment. I hope that & my drug use doesn't interfer too much :/
 
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