I am screwing for some opium right now.

[Muzda Jonxx]

Ooo ooo am I going through the cravings right now. Totally out of the blue, I've had this mostly under control for 3 months now. I came down with a stinking cold yesterday, went to the chemist and bought a bottle of Gees linctus.

Is only a tiny tiny dose of opium, but opium none the less. Certainly not enough for a high, but it took the edge off the cold. But today, wow! I actually felt slightly withdrawy, although most of that is probably just the bug I've caught.

Biggest problem is that it's reawakened the craving beast, and quite savagely. Think I might throw my Internet away so I don't order poppies. I could go get heroin right now, but that stuff is small fry compared with a good opium hit.

So, yeah - I'm a wally. And make no mistake, all you mini opialings out there. Pods might seem like they're not that big a deal, somewhere just above dhc and below oxy perhaps. But once they really get under your skin, absolutely nothing else will do.

I'm off to sulk in a corner now, man flu sucks.

 

[Moreaux]

Man I'm sorry to hear that. It doesn't take much to awaken the beast. I was at a sports event a couple of years ago that also had a full bar, doing quite well with sobriety, and ordered a water. They didn't have bottled water and the bar tender used the beverage gun to pour the water...somehow there was alcohol in my water. It was a hot summer day and I was pretty dehydrated and immediately began chugging the water before I realized it tasted of booze. I had cravings for about a week :/

Try to keep yourself occupied and maybe start doing some of the stuff you were doing in early recovery to stay focused. I hope you start feeling better and I hope the cravings go away soon. Do you have access to non-narcotic cold remedies (I'm in the states, any thing narcotic is by prescription only). Good luck!

 

[Moreaux]

Actually, I do have to ask...why would you select an opium based medication in the first place, regardless or strength. Also, how did you feel when you got it, were you a little excited? Please don't take this as me trying to be condescending as I'm not, just wanting you to analyze your decision so you can better safe guard your sobriety in the future.

For instance in my case since alcohol was such a problem for me to quit (more difficult than opiates), I have to stay away from alcohol base mouthwashes and cough syrups. Even cooking ingredients like vanilla extract of the alcohol isn't going to be cooked off because it triggers my addict brain.

 

[DixiChik]

DO NOT SEEK THE "TREASURE"...Your DOC will be like those "sirens by the river". Ask Pete coz "they done loved him up and turnt him into a T-O-A-D"...

Starve a craving, feed yourself some chicken soup.

I cannot speak from an addict perspective, but I care about you. You make me laugh! My remarks are intended to reciprocate the favor. But then I guess not everyone finds "Oh Brother Where Art Thou" funny, much less...quotes the lines.

 

[RedLeader]

It's especially tough when it's something that is readily available. You can be strong as ox 23.5 hours of the day, but those other stubborn minutes will get ya. This is why despite having my major problems with heroin, it is the kratom that can be harder to avoid.

I think you just have to be extremely honest with yourself regarding those weak moments, when they happen, where they happen and why they happen. For me it is usually late at night (which I manage by working night shift, so I avoid that tired and depressed late-night feeling on a typical schedule), when I am riding the bus in certain parts of town (places where I am used to riding high or on my way to get high, so I feel empty if I try and do it sober, which I manage by trying to not take those buses or just stay focused on my phone the entire ride). I also get triggered by stress over work and women, which I manage by choosing not to do romantic relationships. Work stress, however, is extremely hard for me right now. Sometimes certain foods trigger it too. Some coffees taste like black tar heroin, some plants have a similar texture and smell as kratom.

But ya, don't panic when you are triggered. We all get cravings and triggers. Those people who claim to never get them any longer are liars. It's totally normal to miss something that made us feel better. And it's not easy turning the recognition of being triggered into a rational strategy to not give in, as the mind is gonna want it so freakin' bad once the seed is planted. But it does get easier with practice.

 

[herbavore]

Sorry to hear you are sick, Muzda--it probably makes it just that much harder to deal with feeling vulnerable when you are actually feeling physically weak from a virus.

Good on your for starting this thread to face it and figure out how to deal with it.

 

[deadendgame]

hey, sorry to hear that Mudza. You're a good fiend, and I seen you post a few times. Don't beat yourself up over it. I admit that I am not that strong either. If someone offered me a hit of weed or meth, I'm pretty sure I would give into the temptation. I'm afraid of relapsing too. None of us are that strong, but we're here for you. The struggle is for real but we're here with you every step of the way.

 

[Moreaux]

It's especially tough when it's something that is readily available. You can be strong as ox 23.5 hours of the day, but those other stubborn minutes will get ya. This is why despite having my major problems with heroin, it is the kratom that can be harder to avoid.

I think you just have to be extremely honest with yourself regarding those weak moments, when they happen, where they happen and why they happen. For me it is usually late at night (which I manage by working night shift, so I avoid that tired and depressed late-night feeling on a typical schedule), when I am riding the bus in certain parts of town (places where I am used to riding high or on my way to get high, so I feel empty if I try and do it sober, which I manage by trying to not take those buses or just stay focused on my phone the entire ride). I also get triggered by stress over work and women, which I manage by choosing not to do romantic relationships. Work stress, however, is extremely hard for me right now. Sometimes certain foods trigger it too. Some coffees taste like black tar heroin, some plants have a similar texture and smell as kratom.

But ya, don't panic when you are triggered. We all get cravings and triggers. Those people who claim to never get them any longer are liars. It's totally normal to miss something that made us feel better. And it's not easy turning the recognition of being triggered into a rational strategy to not give in, as the mind is gonna want it so freakin' bad once the seed is planted. But it does get easier with practice.

This is not necessarily true, while most people donget cravings some don't. Assuming everyone who says they don't have cravings are lying is unfair and a little offensive. The first time I got off booze I had horrible cravings the entire time I was sober. The last time I got off booze almost three years ago I got the Vivitrol shoot for 8 months and legitimately haven't had cravings. I have known people for whom addiction was a bump in the road and once they got into recovery they were able to put it behind them and they don't have cravings. We are all different and the way we process addiction is different which makes me against global blanket statements involving addicts as those statements can be harmful. Not all treatments work for everyone and what worked for me may not work for others. Outright calling someone a liar for their experience is unfair and counterproductive, and alienates people that fall into that category. I haven't had cravings yet, but my addiction is still present and will never go away, I may get cravings in the future, who knows. What I do know is that I am an addict and still have to practice mindful behavior and thoughts, and still have to minimize exposure to triggers and safeguard myself because I don't want to go back to addiction. my recovery experience is unique to me just like your experience is unique to you. Nobody in recovery is better or worse than anyone else.

I'm not trying to be argumentative - so many people say similar things and it hurts when I read that because I am brutally honest about my addiction and recovery. I fought a long hard seven years coming from a place where I had no privacy or dignity and it was traumatic, to get to where I am today, and quite honestly I am very lucky to not have cravings. I feel like my integrity is called into question when I those statements, and my recovery and the work it took to get into recovery is dismissed or minimized because I do not have cravings. Getting sober was one of the very few accomplishments I have as an adult and something worked very hard for...I have valid insight to share and don't feel like my credibility should be questioned based upon what symptoms of recovery I experience or don't experience...just like medication side effects, the list is one of possibilities not a checklist of certainties. Please remember this post the next time you meet someone who says they don't get cravings and don't automatically assume they are lying Hope
You have a good weekend RedLeader!

 

[Moreaux]

Muzda - how are you doing today?

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Thanks for all the replies guys. Love this place and love all of you.

Moreaux - the reason I bought the Gees was slightly because I was feeling really ill but much more because it was there, simple as that. It really is a teeny tiny dose of opium, 0.083% of 200ml. For someone of my tolerance it's a drop in the ocean, even after 3 months clean. Really, in terms of comfort the 4 shots of alcohol in there would have had more effect.

However, I did buy and abuse that bottle, there's no escaping that. It's as simple as that. I'm doing fine today, back to fully sober business as usual. It does prove that i really need to stay on my guard, because that greasy withdrawal feeling mixed with slight shame yesterday really did suck.

In a way it was a positive thing, because it proves to me how difficult maintaining sobriety is really going to be, and how vigilant I've got to remain. Nothing worthwhile in this life is easy to do, and this is going to be one of the most difficult. I've failed so many times in the past, I guess I've only got to succeed once.

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

I cannot describe how relieved I am that the seeds I used to buy are no longer available, that's made this process infinitely easier. Even if I was inclined to buy another bottle of Gees they wouldn't sell it me, they soon learn your face in a chemist's and it's rare as rocking horse crap to find these days anyway.

 

[Moreaux]

Thanks for all the replies guys. Love this place and love all of you.

Moreaux - the reason I bought the Gees was slightly because I was feeling really ill but much more because it was there, simple as that. It really is a teeny tiny dose of opium, 0.083% of 200ml. For someone of my tolerance it's a drop in the ocean, even after 3 months clean. Really, in terms of comfort the 4 shots of alcohol in there would have had more effect.

However, I did buy and abuse that bottle, there's no escaping that. It's as simple as that. I'm doing fine today, back to fully sober business as usual. It does prove that i really need to stay on my guard, because that greasy withdrawal feeling mixed with slight shame yesterday really did suck.

In a way it was a positive thing, because it proves to me how difficult maintaining sobriety is really going to be, and how vigilant I've got to remain. Nothing worthwhile in this life is easy to do, and this is going to be one of the most difficult. I've failed so many times in the past, I guess I've only got to succeed once.

Muzda - I'm glad you gained more insight from this experience. I do want to reiterate that I was not trying to give you are hard time or anything, I just want you to consider the situation. I haven't abused opiates in twenty years, but I know at the beginning of this year when I scheduled my surgery a part of me was super excited about the prospect of pain meds and an altered state of mind. At first I wasn't honest with myself but caught it at the last minute and requested a non-narcotic pain reliever and when that didn't cut the pain requested tramadol. I didn't know if your situation was similar and just wanted to you to consider

I can relate with you feeling that overall it was a positive experience, I found that to be the case as well. It's far too easy to get over confident and complacent regarding sobriety and in realty many of us are still on that line even if we are doing well.

You've been doing so great Muzda and I really hope you are proud of yourself!

 

[Muzda Jonxx]

Noone needs to worry about giving me a hard time, at the end of the day I make my own decisions and I'm not someone who tries to blame my mistakes on anything other than myself. I'm much more appreciative of honesty in this life!

Thanks so much for all the support, really means a lot..

 

[RedLeader]

Apologies for the comments about people lying. If I delivered the statement in person, I think it would be easy to interpret it as an exaggeration for emotional effect, to make OP feel less alone and not to accuse any third party of wrongdoing. I don't literally believe it holds true for each and every last person; it was not meant to be technical. I understand that stuff is easily interpreted wrong online, though, and I wish I could do it over so as to not offend you. Hopefully we can move on.