i. am. scared.

[mealltach]

this poem is very long, and i apologise for this. but i need to share it with someone...anyone. perhaps it will strike one of you, and you will know how i am feeling right this minute.
or maybe not.
but just knowing that someone will probably read it does make me feel justified in posting it for some reason. okay, enough rambling. the poem is long enough as it is.
(p.s. to get the full effect of this poem, listen to dj shadow's "stem, long stem" track as you read it.

)
******
The movement seems incessant.
His body twitches like my fingers tap tap
Tapping on the side of his clothes hamper
The one that sits between the wall
And his bed.
Impatient for sleep
Impatient for his words
Which never do come.
Nothing ever comes when I expect it to.
I'm scared of these feelings.
The world isn't spinning quite fast enough
It can't keep up
With my brain my head my thoughts my face flushed with the speed of everything flushed hot.
I don't want to go away
I don't want to go away
I'm alone again
I'm afraid again
The things that happen are just things
Spinning around a bleeding core
Desperately trying to patch up the holes
Trying to catch a million balls at once.
Trying to make everything better.
I want to forgive you.
I can't forgive you.
Why can't I forgive you? Why can't I be honest?
Why do I keep thrusting the past into the present?
Why do you come back to haunt me every time?
You words, your hands…your hands.
No one will ever be able to
Be with me. Just be with me.
No one. You bitch. How can you pretend
That nothing ever happened?
I cannot be with him, or anyone. You have made me impossible to be with.
And yet, it is I who is to blame
For letting you affect me so.
I just want to get away from everything…
I need to
Escape.

 

[cherub]

I am touched by your poem and your pain i can relate too. Just stay true to yourself and be strong.
------------------
"Wings are not what they are cracked up to be. Sometimes they get broken. When you crash then what?"

 

[teodora]

If you want to give any advice at all, at least have it live up to the title "advice". What is he/she going to do with something like "I can relate to that"? how will he or she progress from that? just a thought....

 

[Mellabopper]

^
|
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umm... maybe she wasnt trying to give advice - but more or less comfort the person the author of the work - b/c there is a lot of hurt and anger flowing through this poem and it helps to know that others have gone through or felt the same way... i know at least that having someone else that has gone through the same or similar things helps me cope... its like knowing that you're never alone... some people use the words forum to just share their work - not necessarily get advice/other responses...
but anyway... mealtach - i love reading your work, and i definitely enjoyed this one

keep it up!!!
Mellabopper
------------------
animals are for petting!
"does anyone know where we are? because i think i dont have a clue"
"damn the man, save the empire!" - empire records
Corruption is key.

 

[mealltach]

commence ramble:
mella, you took the words right out of my mouth. i appreciated cherub's response, because it showed me that there are other people out there who are experiencing pain. it's not a justification of my feelings; rather, it is a reassurance of sorts. i also shared my work because i know that it may be comforting for others in positions like my own to know that someone shares their fears, doubts, and all that gravy-type stuff.
but i am very appreciative of any genre of comment which my poetry generates, whether it be advice, acknowledgement, or something else.
teodora: hi!

your opinions in this forum thus far have been different from the norm, and i have found them to be nothing short of excellent. just thought i would tell you that, although i am with mella on this one. please, keep sharing.
mella: i am glad you enjoy my work! someone does...yay! your comments are always very, very welcome. cheers, hun.
feeling a little better today compared to yesterday, when i wrote that poem...things haven't changed, of course. i'm just slowly but surely dealing with them. anyway, back to our regularly scheduled programming...
***
end ramble.
------------------
look closer.

 

[PixieGirl]

I can relate to this more than anyone will ever know. I don't know if I am reading it the way that I should but it seems as though you were writing a poem about my life and my relationships. I wish I could write this way and I appreciate your talent.

 

[mealltach]

pixiegirl: if you ever want to share your story, feel free to share it with me. it doesn't matter if it is similar to mine...
all i know is that i have good ears...if you need someone to talk to, i'm here.
[email protected]
if you are feeling anything similar to what i am feeling right now, it could probably really help you to talk about it...
i'll listen.
but if you would rather not, that's perfectly fine. just thought i would offer. and thank you very much for the compliment...your timing couldn't have been better.
your post made me soooooo happy that i decided to share this poem with the forum...

 

[Lothlorien]

Hey PixieGirl, you gotta not look at it like that. It doesn't matter if your not eloquent, it doesn't matter if you don't think you can write anything that is worthy of the title 'prose'. The thing that gives a piece it's power is passion, and the passion can only come from you. As cliched as that might be its still true, if the reader can see the emotion behind your words then it will sway them more than any beautifully crafted but 'plastic' poetry will.
And anyway, just writing your feelings down into words can release all this negative stuff we keep bottled up inside ourselves otherwise, ans that only does us harm, slowly eating us form the inside out.
Give it a go, no-one worth their words is gonna shoot you down.
Thats what i think anyways

 

[Dagny]

Pixie...I agree with Lothlorien...I think that everyone has poetry/prose in them...write it down, even if it only touches you. Especially if it only touches you. As for reading it the way you should, that's the beauty of it. One of the hopes of many writers is to put something of their own experiences and life into their work, in the hopes that it will help someone else in their time of need - read it the way you want, take from it what you will, and use what you've learned from it in any way that you see fit.

Beautiful writing mealltach...I've felt that pain before, and all of the good things that come before it don't make it hurt any less. Thanks for sharing it with us.