Jabberwocky
Frumious Bandersnatch
- Joined
- Nov 3, 1999
- Messages
- 84,998
I can’t run everytime I’m scared, God has put it on my heart to try Brazilian jiu jitsu. And to make an extreme diet change and workout plan. I make post an I exert my shadow (jung) on people. I do it in real life, I have this need to be a real “man” and I’ve always thought that meant being the scariest thing I can be. It was a mirror. To keep this mirror up I deflected my issues and filled the void with drugs. I will not blame mental healthcare, in the end it’s my fault. I’m still the one taking pills, and requesting them. I don’t want that anymore. I have a written plan to discuss with my doctor that I plan to find a BJJ studio near me that can tolerate my belief in Jesus and that the instructor himself believes Jesus is Lord. I won’t judge and most likely won’t even inquire unless I love it and really want a one on one but I’ve lacked positive male role models. My role models was Gucci mane. Gangstas and Thugs 561 dvds. Rip Spro. Shout out dem damn dogs tho. 56 bitch we ain’t the 1.. for those that know. Now you know str8 Lyke dat. But that’s not a real man. I heard an old rap song on gta San Andreas los santos radio radio. A gangster is a humble man that takes care of his family, a single mother of 3 raising them the best she can, a gangster is someone who gives their best clothes and humbles themselves.
I watched this
I realize I became prideful, arrogant, and started feeling in my heart that if people don’t like me do something, if people argue ima argue to a point you just shut up, I have tortured my mother mentally up until a few years ago with the fact that my dads suicide was cause she took me from him. I will not blame no one but myself anymore.
it’s my fault that my music doesn’t reach who I want it to, I show up half ass fucked up and record without half effort. Some tracks I give it my all on. Those are the ones that mean the most. I break promises to everyone mostly myself.
Ima quit nicotine gum next month
Ima stop oxycodone after this pill (thankfully though I’m over 1 month no oxycodone and minus me finishing small bag of kratom I’m 2 weeks sober from all opiates)
but I’m tired of saying I need a pill (doesn’t matter) to make me me. Everything Good in my life I done sober, I took Ritalin all Friday in hopes I would be ready to fix my SO car. ( although we are deciding about me leaving) I made a promise and Idc anymore if I don’t like you if I promise you something ima follow through.
Ima cut the lil peep and bones off for a while. Maybe not bones. But lil peep I need to stop listening to. It fuels me to continue to wallow instead of do anything about it. Then I wonder why I’m so angry, when I’ve sat in front of a screen all day playing violent video games, watching garbage moral rappers flaunt their wealth.
And it’s skewed my view.
So for now on plans on leaving are on hold
I’m talking to my doctor tomorrow ima ask for a stim for the month. Just to try if not then I understand, but my goals are mma Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and. Ima put myself through Bruce lees training regiment (beginners) not his advance 8 hour a day thing. But I have assured income by Gods blessing. I have idle time and I plan to get off the screens and do something about my life.
Instead of blaming my girl my mom the doctors. It’s all my fault, and no pill will teach me how to love myself. I have to learn that on my own. I thank y’all that pray for me. Even if you just send wishes
I feel them. Currently relaxing today playing a little ufc. Did my first workout Saturday so I got me a nice little chest soreness. And I cut the difficulty on hard. If you got PS4 I’m just learning I usually just throw it on medium so I can have a legendary career. But I’d like to have someone to play this with although I don’t plan to be on much. I’m also getting back into volunteering. Last week I worked for free for my uncle just cause he’s helped me so much when I was a bigger POS then I am now. I don’t forgot those who help me ever. And it’s time I stop focusing on hate all the time and start to focus on love. Whatever’s good Focus on That. I hope I can get some adderall tomorrow but if anyone knows about tyrosine and if that can be prescribed. I’m thinking about asking him about an oxytocin pill.
Either way as you can tell I’m very fragmented in though. Ritalin helps me direct it. Albeit I’m not using it at the doses probably needed. Ima going to ask him. Last time I got Wellbutrin then I had a 30 hour insomnia episode and mania after 3 pills. I stopped it immediately. Maybe I could persevered through the side effects but I chose not to. I’m definitely bipolar, but I’m treating it how I want it. Or nothing at all and I respect his decision either way, but just cause he’s a doctor doesn’t mean he knows what works best.
I’m just going to source if not and I pray me asking again for it won’t get my klonopin cut off. I may not mention any stims but supply is running out and I’d love to still have some of this drive when I’m walking into the Gym. But my SO pointed out I don’t need to be going to train on a bunch of adderall. I just think maybe 10 mg in the morning and 5mg at 2. Along with diet change. (Magnesium intake going up, cutting back carbs and meats to avoid hormones and to save animals) and I plan on volunteering with my left over time. I got stock and assured income for time being. I think this is Gods plan for me to focus on being a disciplined leader. That’s all I ever wanted was the feeling that I wasn’t “shorty” what I was called all throughout grade school
And I wanna feel like a man with or without a weapon.
I think this is best.
I watched this
I realize I became prideful, arrogant, and started feeling in my heart that if people don’t like me do something, if people argue ima argue to a point you just shut up, I have tortured my mother mentally up until a few years ago with the fact that my dads suicide was cause she took me from him. I will not blame no one but myself anymore.
it’s my fault that my music doesn’t reach who I want it to, I show up half ass fucked up and record without half effort. Some tracks I give it my all on. Those are the ones that mean the most. I break promises to everyone mostly myself.
Ima quit nicotine gum next month
Ima stop oxycodone after this pill (thankfully though I’m over 1 month no oxycodone and minus me finishing small bag of kratom I’m 2 weeks sober from all opiates)
but I’m tired of saying I need a pill (doesn’t matter) to make me me. Everything Good in my life I done sober, I took Ritalin all Friday in hopes I would be ready to fix my SO car. ( although we are deciding about me leaving) I made a promise and Idc anymore if I don’t like you if I promise you something ima follow through.
Ima cut the lil peep and bones off for a while. Maybe not bones. But lil peep I need to stop listening to. It fuels me to continue to wallow instead of do anything about it. Then I wonder why I’m so angry, when I’ve sat in front of a screen all day playing violent video games, watching garbage moral rappers flaunt their wealth.
And it’s skewed my view.
So for now on plans on leaving are on hold
I’m talking to my doctor tomorrow ima ask for a stim for the month. Just to try if not then I understand, but my goals are mma Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and. Ima put myself through Bruce lees training regiment (beginners) not his advance 8 hour a day thing. But I have assured income by Gods blessing. I have idle time and I plan to get off the screens and do something about my life.
Instead of blaming my girl my mom the doctors. It’s all my fault, and no pill will teach me how to love myself. I have to learn that on my own. I thank y’all that pray for me. Even if you just send wishes
I feel them. Currently relaxing today playing a little ufc. Did my first workout Saturday so I got me a nice little chest soreness. And I cut the difficulty on hard. If you got PS4 I’m just learning I usually just throw it on medium so I can have a legendary career. But I’d like to have someone to play this with although I don’t plan to be on much. I’m also getting back into volunteering. Last week I worked for free for my uncle just cause he’s helped me so much when I was a bigger POS then I am now. I don’t forgot those who help me ever. And it’s time I stop focusing on hate all the time and start to focus on love. Whatever’s good Focus on That. I hope I can get some adderall tomorrow but if anyone knows about tyrosine and if that can be prescribed. I’m thinking about asking him about an oxytocin pill.
Either way as you can tell I’m very fragmented in though. Ritalin helps me direct it. Albeit I’m not using it at the doses probably needed. Ima going to ask him. Last time I got Wellbutrin then I had a 30 hour insomnia episode and mania after 3 pills. I stopped it immediately. Maybe I could persevered through the side effects but I chose not to. I’m definitely bipolar, but I’m treating it how I want it. Or nothing at all and I respect his decision either way, but just cause he’s a doctor doesn’t mean he knows what works best.
I’m just going to source if not and I pray me asking again for it won’t get my klonopin cut off. I may not mention any stims but supply is running out and I’d love to still have some of this drive when I’m walking into the Gym. But my SO pointed out I don’t need to be going to train on a bunch of adderall. I just think maybe 10 mg in the morning and 5mg at 2. Along with diet change. (Magnesium intake going up, cutting back carbs and meats to avoid hormones and to save animals) and I plan on volunteering with my left over time. I got stock and assured income for time being. I think this is Gods plan for me to focus on being a disciplined leader. That’s all I ever wanted was the feeling that I wasn’t “shorty” what I was called all throughout grade school
And I wanna feel like a man with or without a weapon.
I think this is best.