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Husband has a mistress - Crack Cocaine HELP

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onlee4carol

Greenlighter
Joined
Nov 9, 2013
Messages
4
Location
Georgia
My new husband of 5 months is driving me to the breaking point with his crack addiction. He has spent over $500 this month alone and keeps pawning items to get more money. He most recently took off my wedding ring while I was sleeping and had a drug dealer hold it. It's value was over 5 grand, so I am blessed to have gotten it back for $360. We got into a horrific fight and I ended up in a mental hospital for evaluation because I wanted to kill myself or him for all the hurt and pain he has been causing me. I was released in 2 days, but usually the minimum is 3 days. It was a living nightmare for me. We are now seeing psychologists individually and in marriage counseling, but the events that led up to this are hard to forget even though I have forgiven him. We are trying to find anything to control his cravings; any ideas are most welcome. Don't tell me to leave because I won't. Every other aspect of our relationship is great except for the crack binges. I know there is a vaccine on the horizon, but may be years. Also, alcohol and weed use are out because they increase the cravings. Thanks and please be nice. I've been through enough- Just looking for some help.
 
I honestly think this is a thread for The Dark Side. I think you will get a lot more sensitive and helpful advice in your time of need. I am going to move this thread to The Dark Side. I am going to advice you to make another thread in NMI so we can continue to welcome you and hopefully to help you with your situation at home. I know you will find a lot of support.
 
Hey onlee<3 welcome to Blue Light wish it was for something better. I know this may seem a little harsh but I would run and dont walk for a place away from your new husband until he gets the help he needs. It looks to me like he has almost no control over this and I would distance yourself with the serious plans of dismissing him from your life until he starts working a real program and is showing real results. Sorry that you find yourself in this<3
 
Onlee4carol, that is quite a story. For only five months of marriage you have been through so much. But there's a few things not said: had you any idea that your husband was using crack before you got married? Also have the two of you ever used other substances together? The reason I'm asking is to gauge his level of addiction and not to judge by any means. I think it's good you are both in counseling, don't let this send you over the edge again and don't blame yourself. I've known people who have recovered from crack addiction and though cravings are inevitable, it can be overcome.
 
if you wanna be stubborn and not leave you need to as much marriage counseling as possible and if that doesn't work out it seems like your only option is too leave
 
I'm with neversickanymore on this one op, your husband has a serious addiction that needs to be resolved. Wait it out and see if things are going t o change and get better and help him out as much as you can and hope that he will make an effort to get clean to save your marriage.
 
No, I never used drugs/alcohol. I knew he had a history, but thought he was clean. I am trying to learn all I can about addiction so I can figure all this out. Everything else about him is a perfect fit, so I really want to help him and save our marriage. We are now being open to our friends at church and this personal support has healing properties. It seems that keeping this secret had empowered his use and he is involved with men now that have beat their addiction for many years. This is encouraging.
 
The trouble with cocaine, especially crack is that it's so mentally addicting. I admire you for having the courage to try and salvage your marriage but it's going to take a lot of work. You will literally have to become like a policewoman: ensure your husband has absolutely no access to cash, getting ten bucks in his pocket is enough to get him right back to it. Plus get rid of any paraphernalia he might have stashed away and watch him like a hawk. It's no easy task and even if he does quit and appear to bounce back, it stays in the back of your mind for a very long time. Let us know if you need some help or just want to talk! <3
 
He never used at home, but I did find a glass crack pipe and he broke it. I am a retired Registered Nurse. He said I should have been in the FBI. I tracked his main dealer and informed him I would pay what he owed with his promise to cut him off because he had no access to money. The dealer has kept his word. His money is directly deposited into a bank account that requires both our signatures and no option of a debit card. We take all of it out and I deposit into my account as soon as it is deposited. He gets a few dollars for coffee at college. I drive him to school and anywhere he goes. He is aware I monitor his calls and texts numbers online and watch him on Find-My-iphone. He agrees with this monitoring. I also keep bank cards, PIN numbers, jewelry and car keys hidden. I understand that this isn't foolproof, but I can tell when he has used. It has been working for a few weeks now. I wish there could be some trust but I know that I can't give an inch and may have to spend years with this approach. We are going to try this and if it doesn't 't work, he will go to Teen Challenge for at least a year.
 
I think the idea of you becoming responsible for keeping him sober is both an Idea that wont work and one that will cause allot of heartache. Since you guys are religious I would think that the fellowship of Narcotics anonymous would be a really good option for him.. There is also a fellowship for you called al anon. Here are some links that you may find helpful.

Twelve-Step Addiction Recovery Support Groups

Support For Those Affected by the Addiction of Others

Addiction Guide

The Brain and Addiction (under construction)
 
Sorry OP, I do hate telling you this, but this isn't going to work. You're no longer treating your husband like a husband, you're treating him like a teenager who the cops found with drugs and brought home. The thing about addiction is you're not going to quit until you're ready to quit, and the way it is your husband doesn't seem ready. You say all other aspects of your relationship are great, other then the crack binges; are they really? How does he really feel about how you're treating him? I can assume probably not the best, even though he agrees to it, it may be out of fear of loosing you.

Crack, and all cocaine for that matter, is extremely mentally addicting. It's what you want to turn to when things upset you, leave you feeling low,when anything goes the slightest bit wrong, and this could be how he's feeling. I don't want you thinking that you're pushing him towards drug use by this type of treatment, because that's not necessarily what I'm saying either but some things to think about.

Now-- To answer your what to do question. I think the first thing you need to do is have a long talk with your husband, as an adult, and figure out if he's really ready to quit. If he isn't, it won't work. He could go to rehab for a year, two years, five years, and within a few days, weeks or months of getting out he'll be using again.

Next, you need to start finding things for him to do, maybe together even if you're not ready to trust him yet that make him feel fulfilled. On a chemical level happiness and fulfillment are the same thing, and both cause the same release of brain chemicals ; a cocktail of serotonin, dopamine and other 'feel good' neuros, which the brain reads as a 'reward'. The action of this 'reward' giving your brain all the things that make you feel good teaches your brain to seek this out.This is very similar to what happens in your husbands brain when he smokes crack, as cocaine acts as serotonin–norepinephrine–dopamine reuptake inhibitor, and effects the mesolimbic pathway (a dopamine pathway which effects feelings of reward and desire). So, in simple terms, addiction is a form of learning gone wrong, due to lack of natural chemicals being released as much as they should be from lack of fulfillment, and the way to beat it is to teach the brain other ways to get the same kind of chemical releases without the middle man, in this case crack. (Which is, admittedly, easier said then done.)

Lastly, OP, you have to give your husband his freedom back. As a drug addict working through the long hard road of recovery, I know that having people who SUPPORT you is amazingly important, there is nothing more so important during it. Having people trying to force your recovery, or control it, is not. I suggest maybe a program like narcotics anonymous for him, and al-anon families for you might give you two some chance to get some support, and also some space. I know that it'll be hard for you, and I defiantly agree boundaries need to be set, especially in relation to family finances, but what you're doing will only make you resent each other in the end.

I'm sorry this is so long, it's my first post, I have to learn how to cut this down, but I hope it helps. Best of luck.
 
I can't tell you how much I appreciate and respect your input. His addiction goes back over 20 years with history of prison. He is on parole and probation. If he gets in any more trouble, he is facing up to 20 years. Also, when he used and was MIA for 6-8 hours at the time; He ignored messages and phone calls. This left me not knowing if he was dead or alive or locked up. He says you can easily get drugs at NA meetings and that is why he avoids this group. He is actively involved in an Insight group that stemmed from Teen Challenge, a Veterans group, marriage counseling, Overcomers, and church 3x a week. He starts individual psychological counseling this Friday which will be a new resource for him. He also started attending Promise Keepers yesterday and plans to attend Monday-Friday each week. He says he really likes all the meetings. He said last night that he has felt more happiness in the past two days than any he can remember. He has been in many treatment programs and like you said, used shortly after getting out each time. He believes in God now and this is a totally different approach to obtaining the freedom "he" so desperately wants. It's not just me that wants this. He realizes he is making a choice of life over death. He eagerly attends and always feels good about his new friendships with men that have overcome their addiction for many years at this point in their lives. He also realizes the potential problems with close association with those men who are at the place he is in the recovery process. We have excellent communication in all aspects of our marriage. We believe what we have is worth any price to maintain and grow. We have been to Jacksonville twice, Boca Raton, Charleston, and to the mountains twice in the past 5 months and enjoy these vacations and mini-vacations immensely. We love to fish and have plenty of things we enjoy doing together. We plan to golf and play tennis very soon. Our solution was discussed and agreed upon at the onset. He admits that his ego is not as important as his success this time. He keeps apologizing to me for taking so much of my time to drive him, but it is a pleasure for me. This is because trust, worry, and fear is on the back burner for now. I am a retired RN, so I have the time, energy, and desire to help him any way I can. During all his many past attempts to be free of his addiction, God was not invited to give him the strength and mindset for victory. I totally believe God brought him into my life for a purpose and that was to how him if I can love him being human how much more God loves him. I believe he has had a difficult time believing anyone could love him. He hasn't seen his two sons but once in 20 years. Everyone had given up on him. I know that must have been a cold, empty place in his spirit and has made it hard to believe and accept that I truly love him. I feel better telling him I will no longer keep his secrets and have opened up to close friends that have personally gone through this, and have an appointment made to begin seeing a psychologist myself. He realizes this is his decision to change and I can't do anything except support his efforts. Life is too short for me to suffer the way I have, and he knows this is his last opportunity to get it right. I discussed with him that this motivation must come from himself, and every day's choice is his to
make. His commitment is promising and he is happy realizing that there is light at the end of this very black tunnel he has been hiding in. Thank you again for your concern; It is truly much appreciated. :)
 
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