How to tactfully tell my girlfriend that we need to spend less time together?

[Changed]

I've been with my girlfriend for 7 months; our relationship started like a house on fire, and we still do share an amazing connection and have a fabulous sex-life. The problem is, I think we're both similar in that we haven't had a ton of sexual-partners and we both have only had one or two serious relationships. Once we met each other, we were both willing to devote most everything to each other, including our time. For the past month, we've been fighting on a weekly basis, and I think it is because I've been pushing her away based on the amount of time we spend together. I've brought this up before, but she got upset, claiming I was 'bored' of her, etc... which isn't the case; I simply need time and space to be the person that I am. Last week I basically told her I needed a break to see whether we could work out our issues, and she's gone out of town for two weeks. We've been emailing each other in an attempt to overcome these issues...

What is the best way to go about this? If I come straight out and tell her (sensitively) that I need more time to myself, isn't it reasonable to considering moving on if she can't handle it and gets upset again? Is there some other, more round-about way I can make it clear to her that I can't spend my entire week, outside of work, having sex and sleeping with her?

 

[Bearlove]

Its natural that when you meet a new partner that you both want to spend as much time together bonding, enjoying each others company etc It can be all consuming which some people really enjoy but at the same time it can feel quite suffocating.

If you really hit it off with this person then taking an extended break seems counterproductive as you are giving the message your bored with her. You still need some private time or time to socialize with friends and that is perfectly normal and telling her directly, I can't seeing you tonight as I'm going out with friends, I'm doing this that or the other but I can see you tomorrow night. Even if you were both married it still natural for you (or her) to go out with other people, go for dinner, movies and all the other social things without each other.

If she can't handle you having private time then ask her why? Maybe her last relationship her partner was cheating on her and she is afraid that you may do the same thing? Maybe she blames herself for the break up of the last relationship so is trying her best to please you whilst the reality is the opposite. If she really needs to be with your 24/7 and doesn't want you to have any private time maybe that could have been the reason for the previous breakup and she is just really clingy / needy. If you both don't match then there is no point in taking the relationship any further - her needy clingy way will suffocate you. Your need for free time and space could tear her apart.

Maybe the honeymoon phase is over and your looking for more than just sex - why not start leaving the house together? Start finding out what other aspects of your life you both compliment each other on - it could be a case that you actually enjoy her company when doing your own thing. Maybe after you include her in your other activities she may find she rather be with her friends / doing her own thing and you both find your common ground in the relationship.

 

[llama112]

Of course if you take a break, she's going to think you're seeing other people, which is not what anyone would want to hear! If she's away for two weeks, isn't that some good time for you to spend with yourself doing whatever you want? Just without hooking up with other girls?? I don't see why you had to break up just to do this.

 

[Changed]

Its natural that when you meet a new partner that you both want to spend as much time together bonding, enjoying each others company etc It can be all consuming which some people really enjoy but at the same time it can feel quite suffocating.

If you really hit it off with this person then taking an extended break seems counterproductive as you are giving the message your bored with her. You still need some private time or time to socialize with friends and that is perfectly normal and telling her directly, I can't seeing you tonight as I'm going out with friends, I'm doing this that or the other but I can see you tomorrow night. Even if you were both married it still natural for you (or her) to go out with other people, go for dinner, movies and all the other social things without each other.

If she can't handle you having private time then ask her why? Maybe her last relationship her partner was cheating on her and she is afraid that you may do the same thing? Maybe she blames herself for the break up of the last relationship so is trying her best to please you whilst the reality is the opposite. If she really needs to be with your 24/7 and doesn't want you to have any private time maybe that could have been the reason for the previous breakup and she is just really clingy / needy. If you both don't match then there is no point in taking the relationship any further - her needy clingy way will suffocate you. Your need for free time and space could tear her apart.

Maybe the honeymoon phase is over and your looking for more than just sex - why not start leaving the house together? Start finding out what other aspects of your life you both compliment each other on - it could be a case that you actually enjoy her company when doing your own thing. Maybe after you include her in your other activities she may find she rather be with her friends / doing her own thing and you both find your common ground in the relationship.

The last boyfriend she had was 4 years ago, and yes, he did cheat on her.

Of course if you take a break, she's going to think you're seeing other people, which is not what anyone would want to hear! If she's away for two weeks, isn't that some good time for you to spend with yourself doing whatever you want? Just without hooking up with other girls?? I don't see why you had to break up just to do this.

I didn't break up with her: we were suppose to visit her parents in NY, but I told her I needed time to access our situation, etc... She knows I'm not going to see other girls when she's gone. I could, but I have no desire. And yes, I am here doing the things I've neglected (meditation, a lot of reading, etc...) and it makes me realize that I've missed these things and that something has to change in our relationship.

 

[bunnymunro]

Make a list of all the things that you like doing alone, and also one of things that you like to do with her. Try and make sure that they are fairly well balanced. Show them to her so that she is aware of what you miss doing when she is stifling you (for want of a better word).
Encourage her to make a similar list and discuss it with her.
It may just show her that you are both able to grow individually as well as together.

 

[thesameoldfears]

When you're in a long term relationship, you HAVE to just be able to say you need alone time. My bf and I struggled with this - he would make up some ridiculous excuse as to why he didn't want me over, which hurt my feeling because I knew he was lying to me. I finally told him, straight up, just to tell me when he needs time alone, or if he wants to go out without me. Our relationship is infinitely better for it.

Another question is does she have a job? My bf works sometimes up to 60-70 hours a week, so while I'm only seeing him an hour a day or so (not counting being asleep), to him it feels as if every second outside of work is with me. I can understand that even though to me it only feels like an hour or two a day! You just have to be able to be perfectly upfront and honest.

The above post about making a list is a great idea so you can make it. Really clear to her that you still want to spend time with her and involve her in your life, but you need your own time too, and not for an sketchy reasons.

I would say, unfortunately, if she can't understand that and you two have different expectations about the relationship it probably will lead to a break up. I hope you guys can work things out though.

 

[Changed]

Another question is does she have a job? My bf works sometimes up to 60-70 hours a week, so while I'm only seeing him an hour a day or so (not counting being asleep), to him it feels as if every second outside of work is with me. I can understand that even though to me it only feels like an hour or two a day! [...]

She just finished her last semester of Bachelor's nursing school, where she basically studied and worked constantly, while I bartend. She'd come home from work at 7am and crawl into bed, then get upset when I was ready to leave at noon, as if I 'didn't want to spend time with her,' when the case was that I just didn't want (and couldn't sleep all day).

She graduated last month and has had a lot of free time, so we've spent almost everyday together...

'Familiarity breeds contempt'... I guess they aren't lying.

 

[pofacedhoe]

if i finished a night shift to expect my SO to stay in bed all day is a bit much

it sounds like she needs to give you space or she'll end up pushing you away.

the cheating ex is probably the cause of her separation anxiety

sit down and talk to her and tell her how you feel and what space you need and make it clear you are not her ex and you just want time on your own to chill.

everyone needs their own space so they can be themselves to think and chill-she needs to find things in her own life to do outside of your relationship so that when you are doing things she has something to do too

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Forget about tact. You probably have more than enough of it. I was 100% tactless at one point in my life, I'm the person who should be worried about tact.

Just be honest. Being brutally honest is better than lying to spare someone's feelings.

 

[dopemaster]

I usually say I want to play xbox online with a friend all day tomarrow or go to the gun range with my brother. I always pick a man activity and usually women pick up the hint that you want some free time. I usually say I want to do something Im pretty they wouldn't want to participate in if Im not sure if it will work. Once she realizes the virtue of free time and the health of it for the both of you it will get easier.

Does she pick up on hints or blatenly ignore them? Its not good to have someone depend on you for their entertainment and support system entirely.

Another thing to consider is what are you two doing when you are together. Ask yourself are you two going out and doing fun activies or just sitting around watching tv and doing drugs and having sex? Its good to find a balance IME.

If you spend all your time together your relationship could easily burn out. Also its important to fun things together. I know sex and drugs are the quickest and easiest thing to do but even a walk around the block can really cut the tension. Maybe go to an amusement park or the cinema or zoo sometime.

 

[Pretty_Diamonds]

Just have "apart days" every week. Like if you need two days, pick two days (only one could be a weekend)-work it out with her. She can have a girls night/day and you can have a boys day/night. Just explain to her you like your alone time and just want to read or whatever. Just remember to tell her that it's only for the better of your relationship. What's that quote about the time apart increases love? Yeah, tell her that.