SinisterMuffin
Bluelighter
I think the anxiety for me, like OP, comes from previous negative trips. The whole things weren't necessarily negative, but there were bad parts to them.
For example:
First experience with acid - I took 3 hits...didn't feel anything after 1 - 1.5 hours, so I took another. When it hit, boom! Kaleidoscopic visions, and flowers and amazing! Until the hours wore on and it was 3am and I had to go to work the next day for a seven hour shift, and omg what if I'm still tripping when I have to be at work, etc, etc... So it was fine, just a bit too long that time. I never trip when I have obligations to worry about or anything anymore, but I still get super anxious that I'll get anxious and have a bad trip. Or I get anxious because I don't know exactly how much I'm taking since it's in micrograms and invisible and stuff... ><
First experience with weed - Friend brought a special brownie and a special muffin with him from his spring break trip home, and three of us shared the brownie. We were feeling good, spacey, giggly, euphoric...hungry. Went to eat some food at the dining hall on campus. Started coming down a little bit, so we decided to break into the muffin. Then it went to hell. I would think something (like, "I'm thirsty.") and then act on it, but not realize I was acting on it until after the fact (suddenly holding a glass of water in the kitchen, without remembering moving from the couch) so I spent the rest of the night hugging a pillow on the couch, refusing to move or think for fear of being out of control again.
First experience on salvia - Apparently had a huge hit and was immediately transported to who knows where; where the world was only made up of repeating images of the wall I was staring at; that the images just repeated so quickly or so densely that we weren't aware of it in our day-to-day lives. That everyone was just made up of this one, single being, and that we aren't individuals at all. It was my second experience with drugs, period, and it was earth-shattering to me.
So, yeah...I think the fear of unwillingly being out of control of myself and my actions is what has held me back from a lot of things. I try not dwell on these things, and try to remind myself of all the good experiences I've had with drugs and tripping, etc... but it's like memories, dreams and nightmares, y'know? We always remember the worst things instead of all the good. Maybe it's because I suffer from PTSD and so the simplest negative experience sticks with me harder than it does other people or something...but I don't know how to work past it. It's frustrating.
For example:
First experience with acid - I took 3 hits...didn't feel anything after 1 - 1.5 hours, so I took another. When it hit, boom! Kaleidoscopic visions, and flowers and amazing! Until the hours wore on and it was 3am and I had to go to work the next day for a seven hour shift, and omg what if I'm still tripping when I have to be at work, etc, etc... So it was fine, just a bit too long that time. I never trip when I have obligations to worry about or anything anymore, but I still get super anxious that I'll get anxious and have a bad trip. Or I get anxious because I don't know exactly how much I'm taking since it's in micrograms and invisible and stuff... ><
First experience with weed - Friend brought a special brownie and a special muffin with him from his spring break trip home, and three of us shared the brownie. We were feeling good, spacey, giggly, euphoric...hungry. Went to eat some food at the dining hall on campus. Started coming down a little bit, so we decided to break into the muffin. Then it went to hell. I would think something (like, "I'm thirsty.") and then act on it, but not realize I was acting on it until after the fact (suddenly holding a glass of water in the kitchen, without remembering moving from the couch) so I spent the rest of the night hugging a pillow on the couch, refusing to move or think for fear of being out of control again.
First experience on salvia - Apparently had a huge hit and was immediately transported to who knows where; where the world was only made up of repeating images of the wall I was staring at; that the images just repeated so quickly or so densely that we weren't aware of it in our day-to-day lives. That everyone was just made up of this one, single being, and that we aren't individuals at all. It was my second experience with drugs, period, and it was earth-shattering to me.
So, yeah...I think the fear of unwillingly being out of control of myself and my actions is what has held me back from a lot of things. I try not dwell on these things, and try to remind myself of all the good experiences I've had with drugs and tripping, etc... but it's like memories, dreams and nightmares, y'know? We always remember the worst things instead of all the good. Maybe it's because I suffer from PTSD and so the simplest negative experience sticks with me harder than it does other people or something...but I don't know how to work past it. It's frustrating.
